I dont know everything, here's what i do know.

[olanna]

What advice would give her on how to better handle her bf jail for non-support of his kid? Tell her how to bake a cake with a file in it to get the guy out?

When she needs some real advice on how to get the arrears off the credit report and how to get CS amount reduced, please send her back here for real advice...

[okcowgirl1974]

I came here as a resourse on how to deal with this.  If I had wanted your kind of advice I would have listened to my mom when I first told her.  Im a level headed person,  I dont drink or do drugs.  I obey the law I can pretty much tell you I would never have to go to jail.  I'm not promiscuous.  I really do not have to defend my self or him.  I never said he was perfect or did everything right. Maybe he should be where he is. That's the Law.  I just need help dealing with it.  I made a commitment to him to be faithful to him, I have done that.  I feel partly to blame for him being there.  He came to OKto be with me, and left a really great job with a major auto auction.  He had a job here when his step dad died of colon cancer.  He had to go back to help his mom and so he could keep better contact with his kids.  I moved to TX with him.  He got a job there with a BBQ shop.  I encouraged him to move back to OK where i help my dad on a cattle farm, I encouraged him to not get a regular job and help me on the farm, and I would give him 1/2 of what my dad pays me. That would have covered Child support.  He moved here got a temp job and was helping me.  But he missed his kids too much and had to move back.   That was when he had trouble finding a job.  He got his child support taken out of his check regularly.  His kids are covered by medicare.  There would be no way he could cover the cost of her meds alone.    He made his choices and he is paying the consequenses and so am I.  I dont need anyone to tell me if i/he did the right thing or wront things.  I in the end make my own choices.  I follow what my heart and mind tells me to do. Im just needing help.

[knoot7]

I am fairly new here as well...but I clicked onto your name and then clicked to send an email - I don't know exactly where it sent.....

as for LOL defend herself....olanna - she has made her choices and those are her choices . Yes no need to make her defend herself...but give her sound advice on how to go forward with her choices is the advice she is looking for. AS MafiaMom and Genie did in a more supportive post afterwards How to deal with what is going on and perhaps get advice on how her BF can handle things going forward...but to talk about getting tested for HIV - she is aware of that - OBVIOUSLY! So why need to give advice on that? Why assume that her BF had made no attempt or has never done anything for his daughter and EX?? Did you read the first post at all??  That is what I am saying. There is a harsh way to put things to sound like you are barading her and telling her that things are bad and to walk waway instead of providing sounds advice she so much needed!  and then the latter posts as states above were MUCH more of what she was looking for and needing!

[olanna]

For starters, I haven't given you any advice. I believe in letting people find their own way to hell.

Did you happen to read this?  This will give you a better idea of what "help" is available here and what you can expect in the form of information from the SPARC site.

Welcome to SPARC, the Separated Parenting Access & Resource Center.


SPARC's goal is to ensure that children of divorce continue to have meaningful relationships with both parents, regardless of marital status. We advocate on behalf all non-custodial parents to ensure they get equitable treatment in court and continued access to their children. In addition, we work to promote gender equality in Divorce and Custody issues.

SPARC recognizes the value of fatherhood and supports the concept of true joint custody, where parents work together for the best interests of their children. When joint custody is not possible or workable, we often advocate for fathers as custodial parents. Statistics show that custodial fathers are the most likely to encourage a positive relationship between their children and the other parent and to raise happy, healthy children.

We support parents who have the best interests of their children in mind, and who understand the importance of participation by both parents in the children's lives. Unfortunately, many custodial parents see no value in the presence of the other parent (often fathers) in their children's lives, and some actively work to sabotage any involvement. This psychological warfare is a form of child abuse that frequently causes serious and permanent harm to children. We actively oppose those who engage in this kind of child-harming behavior.

To accomplish our mission, we serve as a provider of information and support resources, and we provide our services without cost. The information and services available through SPARC can be used to great effect, but they will not help a parent "cheat" their way to custody. We work to promote fair and equitable treatment, not to give one parent or the other an unfair advantage.

One of the more recent advances in Family Court litigation has been the recognition of what is referred to as a "Parenting Evaluation". This is exactly what it sounds like- an assessment of each spouse's parenting skills. In a proper evaluation, a comprehensive investigation into each spouse's psychological makeup, parenting skills, and other factors is conducted and the results are weighed in an attempt to determine the best custody arrangements.

We support parenting evaluations by impartial evaluators who are truly concerned about what is best for the children, but we also offer many other avenues for managing and resolving divorce and custody-related issues. If you're a recent arrival, we suggest you start off by leaving a message about your situation on the SPARC Forums. The users and Moderators on the SPARC Forums will be glad to assist you in finding the information you need.

[okcowgirl1974]

     Since I may be a step parent one day it may be best I find out how to deal with the issues I may be facing.  
     I am willing to accept his children it took me 2 years to convince his children I didnt want to replace their mother or take their dad away from them.  Just before he got the summons, we were able to spend a whole weekend with his kids.  I took SD shopping with me,  i was trying on new dresses and she was critiquing each dress for me.  In the end i bought one dress, then I allowed her to pic out a t-shirt under $10.  That shocked her no one not even her mother had went shopping with her like that.  And we were able to talk by our selves for once nothing serious just chit-chat.  When I she had to go back, she did something that shocked me and touched me deeply.  She put her arms around me, gave me a hug, and said "now I know why dad likes you so much.  and said "i love you if he does".  I was speechless, I was so closed to tears.  I just said "I love you too and I will always want you and your brother to be a part of the family we create together."  If anyplace could help me deal with the separation maybe this site could help.  If there is another site that deals more with my specific problem I thought this site could direct me.  I was up front when I signed on to this site,  they allowed me in so I'm staying.

[olanna]

Allow me to play devil's advocate here for just a moment....

"Since I may be a step parent one day it may be best I find out how to deal with the issues I may be facing. "

And you might not be a step parent one day. But there is nothing that can prepare you for that outside of the experience itself. Like saying, I am going to read every book I can find so I can learn how to snow ski.

"I am willing to accept his children it took me 2 years to convince his children I didnt want to replace their mother or take their dad away from them."

It isn't about you. It's about them accepting you and even under the best conditions, they may *never* do that. Please don't kid yourself. Standing by him will mean little to nothing to young children. As with any relationship, there has to be a chemistry and connection and a desire to make it work.

" she did something that shocked me and touched me deeply. She put her arms around me, gave me a hug, and said "now I know why dad likes you so much."

Spending money on most any kid always gives them a warm and fuzzy glow. I must get 100 hugs from my own kid when I take him out for a new video game. It's called retail therapy.  It has the same affect on some women, as well.

"I just said "I love you too and I will always want you and your brother to be a part of the family we create together."

Word up...the kids are already his family and will always be his family, whether you want it or not. It's you that actually will have to work on being accepted; not them.  Harsh but real.

"If anyplace could help me deal with the separation maybe this site could help."

What kind of help do you want? You need to explain exactly what it is you are looking for here.

" If there is another site that deals more with my specific problem I thought this site could direct me."

This reminds me of a scene from a Crocodile Dundee movie I saw. The gal was explaining to Dundee what a therapist does...she explained it to him, telling him that is was someone that was paid to listen to your troubles...to which C. Dundee responded..."ain't you got no mates?" IOW, don't you have a friend you could have a beer with or coffee and sit down and talk about your feelings? Just seems to me that this kind of thing is better addressed in the analog world and not the digital world.

" I was up front when I signed on to this site, they allowed me in so I'm staying."

There are no questions asked for signing up for this site, other than creating a username, password and giving a valid email address. There is no screening process here for deciding who gets to come in and doesn't, unless of course you violate the TOS.  And no one is asking you leave, so I guess I don't get what you mean in the above statement.

[MafiaMom]

Re: the HIV testing. In her first post she stated her bf doesn't have it because he "isn't sick" like they are (or something to that affect). That's why the issue of HIV testing was brought up again. She didn't say he doesn't have it cuz he was tested...she said he didn't have it cuz he wasn't SICK.

As for why I posted re: her seeming to be young...because we all know that with age comes experience, and it seems to me she has no experience re: cs and stepparenting. She has the illusions of grandeur that many young women have.

If this poster wants support...sure, we can give her support. HOWEVER, in my years on the boards, and it's been a LOT of years...I've seen women like this. I've even seen MEN like this. Those who think the world or the ex wife/husband is "out to get" the ncp. In reality, most ncp's get put in jail because of their OWN actions. That's the first thing she needs to learn IF there is going to be a decent relationship all around (meaning with the kids, the bm, and her). She needs to put blame where blame DESERVES to be laid.

In order to have a good relationship with the kids, no matter how much we dislike the bm, we cannot show those feelings of hate towards the bm. The kids WILL pick up on that. If she thinks the bm put her bf in jail, that will come across in her relationship with the kids. They WILL pick up on that. And if the ncp is the one who was wrong, we need to be able to say, "Look, it wasn't what bm wanted...it's what ncp did HIMSELF that put him there." Because if we DON'T, and we see only the "wrong" that's been "done" to the man we love, we're fooling ourselves. And in fooling ourselves, we tend to dislike the bm...and that's not where the blame should be laid. So the "first step" in accepting the situation she finds herself in, is to accept the fact that her bf is the one who put himself where he is now.

I read her post to Olanna...where she hopes to someday be a stepmom to those children. I've been a stepmom, and like everyone I thought life would be great...that I'd have a great relationship with the kids. However, that's NOT REALITY in most situations. There are a ton of websites for second family troubles. Reality is NOT what we  dreamed it would be or those websites would not be necessary. If reality were as wonderful as we thought, there would be no need for second wife message boards.

To this poster, because of that, I've put the truth "out there" for her to see. I can't say I feel sorry for her bf. I also can't feel sorry for HER because she hasn't accepted "reality" yet. Once she accepts reality, she will have a totally different view of her situation...and she won't NEED support because she'll know what happened was a direct result of her bf's actions, and not bm's...and at that point, like the other poster stated, she'll be able to look at her bf and say "this is the choice you made, and this is where it got you" rather than, "Poor bf! BM put him in jail!"

 

[olanna]

She also hasn't heard from her bf since August, so there is a grand chance she has nothing to hold onto or worry about anyway.

[okcowgirl1974]

Sorry I've been having puter problems, something about cookies...
Crazy how things can change in a couple of weeks.  I was truly in dispair about my situation.  This forum has helped tremedously.  My b/f called me two weeks ago.  What some of you said was true it wasnt his ex but the DA that called him into court, because he missed 4 months out of faithfully keeping a job and getting child-support taken out of his checks.   He was in "lockdown" for a couple of weeks.  He was then in a sort of "half-way house" where he was allowed to find work in the community.   He went to a temp agency that got him a job with the city.   He is fixing water mains that sort of thing.  He did really well.  He paid off the 4 months he missed ahead of time.  They let him out on parole in middle of Dec.  He called me when he was on his feet and into his own appartment.  He told me he had $2K left of the $40K he owed. (his ex filed for abandonment while he was still living in the home, while he was at work, before the divorce was final.  The gov't paid her $40K which he had to pay back) Here is the kicker...  He didnt realize and no one told him that they charged interest on that $40K.  He now owes $40K.  Isnt that GREAT!!  He is on parole untill he pays it off which is about 10yrs.   There is a good part though.   He now gets to see his kids every day.  They can see him when ever they want because they are in the same town.  My b/f's mom moved there too, so not only do they get to see their dad all the time, but the get to see their grandma too.   When his daughter gets sick he can be there with her.  
      He has asked me to move there with him.  He's going to be hired permanently soon,  then he will get benifits, and all those goodies.  I told him I still love him and care about him,  but If he really wants this bad enough he will make it happen.  I spent a fortune previously driving back and forth between OK and TX to see him.  I only go if he provides gas money.  And Ive been kind of on this roller coaster ride and didnt really didnt know what i was getting my self into when i met him.  I told him this was his last chance with me.  I've got to see proof that he's getting his stuff together once and for all.   He also quit smoking which was a big problem between us.
    olanna, I really dont know enough about you to judge you and you could have given more constructive critisism.   But I think you were the most help full of all in your own way.   I am an added member to their family.  That is a good way to thing about it.  Allthough, that doesnt mean I or any children I have with their dad are second class citizens.  I didnt mean I the way I wrote it.  With your help I can be more affective in the way I relate to them.  I know you are probably find more ways to critisize me or him.  Go ahead I will probably learn from it.   And I have always had trouble making and keeping friends.  I have found 1 friend through this time that has listen to my problems, and didnt judge me or him or the situation.   I told only a few people about this.  The few that did blasted me or him the same way I was here.   I have found my first real friend at 30.  guess what she's only 19 and she showed more kindness to me than some of you  at what ever age you guys are at whatever ages some of you are-- amy
   

[knoot7]

WOO HOO- this is great to hear! I am gald that you took what ever was spoken here and learned from it - that makes you a truly unique person and someone special.  

Some people are pesimists and others optimists which of course is very apparent. I am really glad you found a friend and someone that you can count on for the future. You can find the support you need and I hope that you know that with the other site you just joined....trust me - you will find good friends, good advice and certainly no judgement what so ever. Also you will find positive relationships with step children. I never got into a response as I didn't want to add more drama to your post...but not all kids show their affection just because they are bought something..... they are genuine feelings and words that are spoken. As children are honest. Some people really do have EXCELLENT relationships with their Step Children and it is possible to turn relationships around to become what is most defnitely a wonderful parenting experience!

I hope your B/F will provide everything you deserve!

Good luck!