How can we get BM to support children's activities?

[junglechicken]

the issue seems to be that bm won't ask for help in getting the boys to their soccer.

Did bm agree to putting the boys in soccer, or was it simply something she went along with because it's in the order/agreement that each parent would support the boys' activities?  I think I might balk at that clause, because to me it seems like the boys have control.  What if they said they wanted to do all sorts of things, and one parent was all for it and one wasn't?  Suddenly they're going against the agreement.  But maybe that's just me.

But the agreement is what it is, and it doesn't define waht "support" means.  Here's a longshot idea.  Maybe it's hard for bm to transport all the time.  What if your dh offered to do 100% of the transportation, in lieu of the bm maybe contributing a little extra financially to the activity?  Some sort of compromise along those lines.

[littlebitt]

unless BM can come up with some really good explanations of why the events are NOT in the best interest of the children.
Forget about your schedule, thier schedule, family time, etc.  That is just clouding the point.  

Ask yourself, What would the boys be doing if Mom and Dad had stayed together and had a healthy family relationship?  Well of course, they would be doing practices, camps, etc, and they would progress up the ranks as much as possible.  Mom & Dad would not be bickering over who's "thing" it is, or how inconvenient the schedule is.  THAT'S JUST WHAT PARENTS DO!!!!

Soooo, that is what the court wants the kids' life to be like as much as possible.  Not concerned with Mom & Dad's life, it's the kids' life that is the issue!

....We went through the same thing with son's football.  BM actually wanted the court order to state that she did NOT have to take him to his events!  (Needless to say, that didn't happen)  I did have more leverage than you though, because I am son's primary residence.  

But BM did not take him to practice once, so I would not let him go with her the next time.  When she ran to her attorney, the attorney actually scolded her and said she had better start getting son to his events in the future!  Another time, she scheduled a siblings birthday party on top of his football game, and again, she could not pick him up until after the next game was over.  Both attorneys and the GAL supported my position.

Good Luck to you!
LittleBit

[stepsoccermom]

Thanks, LittleBit! Your words are encouraging. I do think the court will side with us on this for the very reason you stated -- it's what's in the best interest of the children and the parents need to make it work.

I'm interested to know how your son was reacting to the BM when she wouldn't take him to his events? I think our kids downplay it because they don't want to go against their mom, even if they wish she would support them with their soccer. They know how she feels about it and don't want to upset her. My husband feels like he needs to fight for them since they aren't standing up for themselves.

We're waiting for a call from our attorney on how best to proceed. My husband wants to take her back to court. Our youngest has a game on Friday night and it's an away game (40 mins from her house) and it's the BM's responsibility to get him there. We're interested to see what happens.

Thanks again and I'll keep you posted!
StepSoccerMom

[stepsoccermom]

Hi there-

Thanks for the suggestions! The BM actually started them in soccer at the age of 6. We would be happy to handle all transportation, but she would never do that because she would be giving up control of the situation and she would feel it cuts into her time. We already pay for all the dues for them, including tournament fees, new shoes, etc. Money isn't the issue -- we take care of everything because we know she's struggling financially. All that is on her part is a time comittment that she's not making. Unfortunately it seems she forgets about the boys and is only thinking about how it all affects her.

StepSoccerMom

[stepsoccermom]

Hi Erika-

We would be more than happy to handle transportation for the boys, but she won't let us do that as she feels like it would cut into her time. She does take them to practice 2x week (usually) after school as it's fairly close to her house.

We've definitely offered to switch weekends with the BM when there might be an out-of-town tournament so she can have them when it's just a regular-game weekend. We haven't come to that bridge yet, but we will be in a couple weeks for our youngest -- his team is competing in the State Championship tournament. Needless to say we're worried as it falls on her weekend and it's a 2+ hour drive and the rest of the team is staying overnight on a Friday before the Saturday tournament. We'll see what happens....

StepSoccerMom

[junglechicken]

My sisters and I didn't do activities growing up.  It's too bad, we wish we had, but it was expensive and it was inconvenient.  It's not "just what parents do".  I think the bm in this situation has a legitimate complaint...however, it's a complaint she should've made BEFORE making the commitment.  It would really be a shame to waste a court's time over this, imho.

[junglechicken]

*Is* she suggesting anything?  Or is she just complaining, like our bm does about things, expecting the problems to be solved for her, but not to her satisfaction so that she has something else to complain about?  :P

[littlebitt]

>>>I'm interested to know how your son was reacting to the BM when she wouldn't take him to his events? I think our kids downplay it because they don't want to go against their mom, even if they wish she would support them with their soccer. They know how she feels about it and don't want to upset her. My husband feels like he needs to fight for them since they aren't standing up for themselves.

Exactly!  Son would be very disappointed about missing the events, but never blame BM for it.  Once she told him she had a stomach ache and couldn't take him to practice, another time he missed his game because of his half-brother's B-day party.  The party was at BM's house, with NO guests; but she couldn't have cake and ice cream at any other time than his game time!   ARGHH!!!

I made it a point to speak to BM in front of son, and offer to get him to and from any event that she was unable to.  No matter the reason, no problem, I don't mind.  Also mad sure to say that her and her family always welcome to attend his events, etc.  Really laid on the niceness.

Son is just now starting to speak up for himself to BM (he is 12).  But it is still in very small ways, and more times than not, he doesn't.  That's were I come in.  One wknd, Son told me he wanted to stay here so I could get him to game.  I said OK, just make sure it's OK with your Mom.  He said (and I quote) "I just don't have big enough balls yet to tell her that."   So I told him I would handle it until his grew some more, and all was well.

BM is a great big drama queen, and more.  She tries to make son feel guilty about not seeing or talking to her more.  The more he ages, the more he is seeing the real picture, and tries to avoid any incidences.

Always take the high road and do the right thing.  Time will take care of the rest!

LittleBitt

[stepsoccermom]

Ha! Well the only "suggestion" she's made is that the boys play recreational soccer for the local park district "because it's so much more convenient for her". The boys have told her they don't want to do that as it would be like going from the Major Leagues to a Minor League team and pretty embarrassing. My worry is that they'll quit altogether if she continues to make it difficult. Then what are they going to do? Roam around the neighborhood looking for trouble because they're bored? ;)

[stepsoccermom]

Seems your BM and my BM were seperated at birth. ;)

Well, unfortunately our boys haven't grown the cojones yet, either, but like you said, we just keep telling them we support them 100% and it's OK to speak up for what you think is right.

We've got another test this Friday -- away game at 6:30pm that BM needs to get our youngest to. It's sad because now the coach is saying he's not sure what to do about our son as he can't count on him to be at every game/practice and it's not fair to start him when there are other kids (albeit not as talented) who come to all practices and games. The coach really wants to start him, but he's got to think about the committment to the team.

Nice to know there's someone out there who is going through the same thing. I'll keep you posted on Friday's events...

StepSoccerMom