Kinda called BM Liar(Sorry Long, need advice!)

[bleemom]

I am a a SM to an 8yr old SD.  My husband and I have been married for five years.  BM and I usually get along pretty well, sometimes exceptionally well.  DH and I have had and still have large disagreements with BM over things such as taking SD to the dr., paying for her school lunch, involving her in activities, giving her the asthma meds, not smoking around her, etc...

That said, in Sept. SD had an accident where she severed her Achilles Tendon.  Had to go from ER to surgery to repair, etc.  Even though we had, for the most part, always been civil with each other something seemed to change that day.  In the past we would go through phases where things with BM seemed wonderful, but every single time that happened and we gave her the benefit of the doubt she always did something to mess it up and we would have to start from square one.  But after the accident, things were different.  For the better.  We kept telling ourselves, maybe this time it is different and she won't skrew up again.

WRONG!  Dh and I get a copy of our credit report every year after the first of the year to be sure nothing is on it that we might have missed, etc.  Well, this year their was a collections account on DH's.  Come to find out that BM had taken SD to the Dr. over a year ago and had ignored the bills.  Since Dh has to cover SD on his insurance the bill was in his name, but had BMs address on it.  Now, the amount wasn't that large, but it is a big deal b/c she is messing with our credit here.  It was strange that she didn't just ask us for our half, and pay it.  

Anyway, you will probably disagree with this part b/c I am only the SM and have no rights/responsibilities.  Well, not in our family.  I am the mom.  I take care of the finances, picking/dropping off SD to BMs most of the time(Dh doesn't get off work til 5), I go to most Dr. appts. with BM and SD, BM calls me instead of DH, etc.  DH usually never has to deal with BM.  BM would rather deal with me instead.  She knows he won't put up with her crap.  She is finding out, however, that I am no pushover and I won't put up with it either.  Actually, I am a very passive person, but not when it comes to her.  I guess that is why she might have thought she could get away with things with me and I wouldn't say anything.  I started dealing with BM mainly when my DH was in Iraq.  It was my job while he was gone, ya know.  Then when he got back after a year, we just kept it like it was.  He didn't have to deal with her, and I didn't mind it.  DH thinks she takes advantage of me sometimes.  He told me how pathetic it was that I am not SD's mother and she doesn't even live with us, yet I am the one that knows when her Asthma meds need a refill, etc.  Her own mother whom she lives with just depends on me to do it, but that is BM for you.  I am not going to get into that.  I have strayed from the subject too much already.  I will get back to it.

Back to my problem.  I called BM Thurs. night on the Feb. 15th.  I told her about the collections account.  Of course, she didn't know anything about it b/c she never received anything from them.  (Ya right, they said they had mailed her notices at least 3 times, and they had her correct address.)  So, she told me she would go the very next day to the Dr. office to take care of it.  I told her that we may have to pay the collection agency now.  She said she would see if they would let her pay it in the office and if not she would mail a check.  I said ok, that it just needed to be taken care of.  She did apologize that it happened, so I thought it was all ok.  Well, I went to pick SD up the next day and BM acted kind of weird.  She usually asks me in, especially if it is cold outside.  It was freezing, but she stood in the door and we were outside on the porch waiting on SD.  She almost hurried us out the door, I later find out it was probably so I wouldn't have time to ask her about the bill.  So, SD, DS, and I left.  It is about a 45 min drive home.  I thought it was very strange that she didn't say a word about it, and I wasn't going to ask her in front of SD.  Well, the more I thought about it the more irritated I got.  I finally called her on the way home, SD didn't know who I was talking to.  BM didn't seem pleased to hear from me.  I asked, "did you find anything out about that balance?"  She said, "yes" and that is it.  Just sat there, well I just sat their too and she finally said, "it's taken care of."  I said, ok.  Thinking how weird it was that she was being so short about it.  If it were me I would be explaining my rear off.  Called her the minute I paid it.  Anyway, I said, "so they let you pay it in the office?"  She said, "yes".  Then I asked her if they said anything about why insurance didn't pay for some of it.  She said, "no""  and that is it.  I waited again til she said, "actually I didn't even think to ask, I will call them Monday or Tuesday and ask."  I just said, "ok, thank ya much."  Then we got off the phone.  I practically had to drag any information out of her.  Keep in mind this was Friday the 16th.  The day after I told her about the bill.  I blew off the strangeness of the conversation.  It had been paid, so I thought, and I was going to let it go.  

Well, Monday came and I called the lady at the collection agency (we are on a first name basis now) to see if it had been paid and how we go about getting it taken off Dh's credit since it wasn't his fault.  She said, that it hadn't been reported as paid to her yet, but she would call the Dr. office to find out if it was paid and if they will let her take it off the credit.  Well, she called back the next day Tues.  the 20th and said that the Dr. office had not been paid and that they can't take it off of DH's credit until it is paid.  Oh, I was fuming!  Dh was too.  He called the Dr. office and explained everything.  They told him they were sorry and he paid it over the phone.  They were going to get it off his credit and they too had sent BM several bills that had been ignored.  

So, DH was going to call BM about it, but she called first to tell DH something.  I felt like she was avoiding me, b/c like i said, she usually calls me.  Every now and then she will confuse us and call him.  No biggie.  Anyway, he told her that the Dr. office never received a payment from her, so she may need to check on that.  Well, she told DH that she had mailed the payment and that was why they didnt' have it yet.  He was winking at me the entire time, knowing that BM was lying.  But he just let her lie.  He was too nice.  I would have called her out right then and there.  She told DH that she would just call and have them apply that to another account.  She would send us our half.  I was telling DH that she owed us for SD's meds also.  So she was going to send us a check for all that.  Dh got off the phone with her and he told me she said she mailed it, I said, "she told me they let her pay it in the office Friday."  He said, "well, I didn't know that."  MEN!  I told him that.  Anyway, BM was supposed to send us money to pay on SDs surgery bills also, but since she usually only talks to me DH didn't know to remind her.  I called her back to see if she was still sending that money also.  She asked if she could talk to her husband and call me back the next day.  This was Wednesday night, so she was supposed to call me back Thursday.  Well, I talked to the Dr. office Thursday to be sure they had our address for future bills and the lady in accounts said she still hadn't received anything from BM nor had she heard from her.  The lady also said that had she mailed it Friday when she was supposed to have taken care of it they would have already had it a few days ago.  I knew that too b/c we paid the bill on the phone on Wed. and had the receipt from them the very next day in the mail.  BM never called me back Thurs. like she was supposed to.  I was ready for her, believe me.  THen I talked to the Dr. office again on Friday about how to be sure the credit bureaus are reported to, etc.  The accounts lady told me she still had not received a payment from BM nor heard from her.  I made sure to call just before they closed and so there mail would have already have run.  That way BM couldn't say she talked to them and they had received it.  Ya know?  I never even mentioned BMs name at the Dr. office nor did my husband.  Don't want you to think we were bashing her name or anything.  Just wanted to have our ducks in a row.  I was ready again Friday for her to call about the other bills, but she never called.  She didn't call Saturday either, gee ya think she is avoiding me?  I knew I had to call her Sunday or she would have another day to say they got her payment.  I had several other things to discuss with her besides money and her lying anyway.  

Well, I called her last night.  She was nice to me when she answered the phone, I was nice, but not my normal perky self.  But when I started talking about the other stuff I needed to discuss with her she got real short and I sensed some irritation in her voice.  Maybe she picked up on mine.  Anyway, I waited until I had discussed everything else with her first before mentioning the bill.  Then I said, "you told Dh that you mailed that payment to the Dr. office?"  She said, "yes."  I said, "but you told me they let you pay it in the office."  She said, "I meant they told me I could mail it to the office and I called them on Friday after I talked to DH and told them just to credit it to another account."  That was weird b/c she talked to DH on Wed.  I said, "that's funny b/c I  talked to them Friday right before they closed and they said they hadn't received any payment from  and that DH and I are the only ones that they have talked to about this account.  She said, well I called them.  I told her the Dr. office also said that they would have received it had she mailed it on Friday.  BM said she didn't mail it on Friday, she mailed it on Monday.  I said, they why did you tell me they let you pay it in the office on Friday.  Then said said, "what I meant by that was that they let me mail it to the office and not have to pay the collection agency."  I said then why did you tell me it was taken care of on Friday then.  She said, what does it matter it was paid and she was mailing us her half.  She asked me if I was saying she was lying, I never called her a liar (in those words), I just said, it just doesn't add up.  she said she didn't appreciate being called a liar.  I told her it just didn't make sense and I was sorry but I had a hard time believing that since the Dr. office still hadn't received a payment and they had only talked to dh and I about it.  She just, understandably, got mad and said she would mail the check to us and see one of us when we picked SD up on Friday.  I told her that I would love nothing more than for her to prove me wrong and that she has to look at it from our end.  What it looked like.  She said she understood that, but she was telling me what happened.  Then I started to tell her that it was just disheartening to me b/c we seemed to be at such a good place.  She interrupted and just said she was going to go and she would see us Friday.  I just said, ok thanks.  She just hung up.  Now, I said I never said lied or liar, but I may have said I didn't appreciate feeling lied to after she said she didn't appreciate being called a liar.  

Now, I know I could have just let it go w/o saying anything b/c it was taken care of.  But it was bad enough she ignored the bills and had an account that we knew nothing about turned over to collections as bad credit, but she can't think she can just lie to us and we won't ever say anything.  Ya know?  I kind of took it personal b/c she told me one thing and Dh another.  Even if she had mailed the payment on Monday it would have been there long before Friday.  I know I also could have handled it differently and still confronted her about it, but I am not good with words especially in an arguement.  There were lots of other things I could have said that would have helped me prove it, but I don't think quick enough.  

What is bothering me now, is that tiny chance she really did mail it and it really did get lost in the mail.  I hate the thought of me calling someone a liar and be wrong.  I also hate when I know someone is mad at me, but what did I expect?  I keep saying I, but Dh thinks she is lying also.  He just told me he didn't want to argue with her.  I didn't either, but she can't thinks he can lie and we would just look the other way.  I hate thinking that things will be awkward now, and it wasn't my intention to make her hate me so much that we can't talk civil anymore.  I almost wanted to call her back last night and apologize, but that was how it looked to us.  But I didn't want to make it worse.  Doesn't everything I have said make you think she is lying?  Or are we reaching?  I still in my heart feel like she was lying.  The fact that she was avoiding and how short she was with me.  Ok, this had turned into a novel.  WOW I am so sorry.  

Do you think I should say something with the means of mending things, not saying I believe her, but calling a truce of some kind?  If so, what do i say and when?  Or, should I just drop it and she will get over it eventually?  I am not a confrontational person, I sware.  I would appreciate any advice, suggestions, or opinions.  

Thanks in advance!

Smiles,  :-)
Bleemom

[topnotchdad]

Are you and I the same person?

I say that, b/c I have an 8yo SD and I am "the mom" in our situation, too.  Except we have 50/50 custody, every other week we switch off.

Anyways, our BM has a real hard time telling the truth.  Basically, if words are coming out of her mouth, you should pretty much think of the opposite thing, and that's the real story.  It is actually pretty funny....or anyways we have to laugh about it b/c we're tired of being mad at her all the time.

If I were you, I certainly wouldn't try to mend things, unless of course the Dr office calls you and says that they got a check in the mail, it was addressed wrong or something.  But basically, BM knows she lied to you, and she will get over it, b/c probably it's not the first time she's been called on a lie before.  And it sounds to me like she "needs" you, so she probably won't hold it against you.

Our BM gets incredibly mad when you call her on a lie.  But, we really think she has a mental disease, and she doesn't realize that she's lying.  Lies become the truth for her, and so she gets incredibly mad when you call her on it, even if you have solid, physical proof that she lied.

For example, she told us that she had been taking SD to the dentist, and had been paying all the bills, so we should pay all the Dr bills.   So when SD showed us the huge cavity hole in her tooth, we asked BM what was up, why hadn't she been taking her to the dentist?  And she told us "I just took her last April....let me look it up....it was April 12th (or whatever). "  And then she made this big deal about how it was $XX.xx and she hadn't even asked us to pay for part of it, and how the dentist had said she's lucky she doesn't have teeth like her brother's, and how the dentist was her second cousin or something like that.  She even gives me his name and phone number, FROM MEMORY.

So we call the dentist to see what's up with this cavity and to make an appointment for SD, and guess what?  He's never seen SD.  "Are you sure?"  we ask.  He says, "Well she was in my office about 6 years ago when she was real little and her brother had an appointment.  But I've never looked in her mouth before.  He even writes a letter saying so.

So we ask BM about this and she says, "I don't know why the dentist would say that!  He's seen her dozens of times."  Really.  As if the dentist, her cousin, would lie about it!

Anyways, I'd just carry on business as usual with her, and remember that you can't try to rationalize the thoughts of an irrational person.

[bleemom]

I had my first interaction w/ BM last night since I pretty much called her a liar. SD had a program at school last night. I knew one of three things would happen. 1. Be mean to me. 2. Not say a word to me. OR 3. Be sugar and spice with me. Well, it was #2. Being the passive, easy going person I am, I still wasn't going to let her walk all over me or make me feel as if I was the one that did something wrong. I was determined to make eye contact with her and not let her think she intimidated me. I guess I did ok. Like I said, she didn't speak to me. There were grandparents from both sides and cousins, so there wasn't really a chance to say anything or even really look at her anyway. SD started getting upset b/c she wanted to go eat w/ DHs parents. Well, SD didn't know it but she is spending the night with them Sat. night. BM was telling her no, she had things to do and it was a school night. So, to help out I interrupted and told her she would see them Sat. night anyway. BM told SD,"see you will see them this weekend." That was the closest we came to speaking to each other. DH, on the other hand, is outspoken. Walked right up to Bm's husband and said, hey man whats up. Her husband was friendly and asked DH about his broken ankle. All BM said was hey. See DH knew she was lying too, but I was the one that pointed it out, so she hates me. :-) DH just hates arguing with her, well anyone for that matter. Anyway, DH is going out of town this weekend and it is our weekend w/ SD, so I am going to pick her up. We will see just how mad BM is at me today I guess.

That brings me to my question. Those of you that read my previous two posts may remember that BM told me (the night I confronted her about lying) that she was going to mail us a check for SDs meds, this collection bill, and SDs ankle surgery on Tues. or Wed. Well, guess what! We still haven't gotten it! If she mailed it Tues. It would have been here yesterday at the very latest and if she mailed it Wed. it will be here today at the very latest. But, whenever I mail anything to BM she gets it the very next day. She told me that herself. So, I am pretty much betting she never mailed it and if she did it was after Tues. or Wed. when she said she was going to. Question is, how do I confront her about this? DH will be gone. Here is my thought, let me know what you think. I thought about calling her when I know she is on her way home from work and SD is not with her and saying "We still haven't received that check you said you were going to mail on Tues. or Wed. and I just wanted to check on it". How does that sound? What I really would like to say is, "We still haven't received the check you were supposed to mail us on Tues. or Wed., did it conveniently get lost in the mail too." LOL But, that would start trouble and I like to try to be a bigger person than that, although, sometimes immaturaty (sp) gets the best of me. :-) Any ideas or suggestions would be greatly appreciated. I guess, we still have the chance that it comes in the mail today. But if I waited to post then, I wouldn't have time to get advice. I hate feeling like a child and having to be told what to say in a confrontation b/c I am terrible with words. Now wordiness I have no trouble with as you can very well tell. I will shut-up now b/c I didn't intend for this to be near as long as it is. Thanks agian. Look forward to hearing from you.

Smiles, :-)
Bleemom