Need Advice Please

[nicole_80sgirl]

I live in Missouri. My husband moved out Saturday.  We have 3 kids together and his 16 year old daughter lives with us. She went with him. She was also the one watching our 2 year old son for the summer.

Now I'm looking for someone to watch him. I asked him if he could help out on daycare and he said no because he has to figure out what he is going to do and find a place to rent. I also asked him when he wanted to see his kids, either on the weekends he has his daughter or the weekends he doesn't have her and he said he didn't want to worry about that until he figures out what he is going to do and that there isn't any room at his moms house for them to come and stay a weekend.

He works for cash and I bring home close to double what he brings home. I also pay $76 every two weeks for me and him to have medical insurance.

He fixed the air conditioner Monday and then again on Tuesday and paid for the parts to fix it (around $100 I think).

I asked him today if he was going to pay half the cell phone bill and he said no and that he would give it back. Then he told me that Rent n' go wants 30 dollars to move his big screen tv from our house to his moms and I asked him if he was planning on keeping it and continuing to pay the 108 dollars a month for it and he said yes. So I said, "You can't help with daycare or pay half the cell phone bill but you can keep your tv and pay 108 dollars for it?" and he said yes.

One minute he calls or comes over and he is real nice and the next he is saying mean and hateful things. He is the one who chose to leave. He says we just don't get along anymore and then the next day he acts like it was my decision for him to leave and wants to know if want to try and work it out and then in a matter of minutes he can change his mind and start being sarcastic and saying things to try and get under my skin.

He shows up at our house whenever he wants and walks right in, yet he refuses to help me with daycare, his cell phone, or any other bills. I've only asked for half the cell bill and help with daycare. I know he fixed the AC but he asked me if I wanted him to and I told him I would call someone, so yeah he did save me the money I would have had to pay someone else.

Anyway, now that I've rattled on I was wondering what I should do. I want to be nice and not have an ugly divorce. But I think he needs to at least have visitation established and not just show up when he feels like it. All we do is argue when he is here anyway and it's not good for the kids.

Thanks

[mistoffolees]

The one things I've learned about this process is that it's best not to think about the other person's behavior or to try to rationalize it. You have to worry about your needs and those of your children.

That means getting a court order in place ASAP for temporary custody and support and work towards a permanent solution. If the two of you are willing to work together, mediation is typically much faster and less expensive than court, but it doesn't always work. But don't even think about mediation until you have a temporary order in place.

I would not let him walk into your house whenever he wants to. Check with your attorney on whether you can change the locks. Certainly you can do that after you get your temporary order in place.

Depending on the jurisdiction, that can sometimes happen quickly (although in my case the permanent order was settled before we ever got a temporary order finished, so YMMV).

Bottom line is that you can't control him, but you can control your own actions. Try to stay calm, and leave his personal life out of it as much as possible. If the court orders him to pay you $xx per week, then as long as he's paying that amount, then it's really none of your business whether he lives with his mother so he can afford to pay $108 per month for a TV. If you approach it with a non-confrontational attitude and do your best to separate yourself from the situation if he tries to get you worked up ("I'm sorry, but I can't listen to abusive comments like that, so I'm leaving. Call me when you want to talk calmly"), then you have a chance of things going reasonably smoothly. OTOH, there's no guarantee because a hateful, vindictive person can make it miserable for the other person no matter how hard they try to stay calm.

Best bet is finding a good attorney and working things out through them.

[notnew]

Mist has given you good advice. Also, don't cancel any insurance or change locks before you know it's ok to do so by an attorney.

He has abandoned you. You need to consult with an attorney to get papers filed asking for a divorce based on his abandonment and for an emergency hearing setting temp. CS, and to make decisions on joint bills.

Different states have different laws regarding divorce fault, etc., and I am not a resident of your state so I don't know what they are. An attorney will and don't forget to ask to have him cover your fees since it's his action that has brought you to the court.

It sounds like you are doing things like you should for now. You need to protect yourself financially. Do you have tax returns, etc., establishing his income? If I were you, I'd get all financial paperwork etc., out of the house and into a safe deposit box at a bank to make sure he doesn't take them.

Good luck.

[mistoffolees]

>Mist has given you good advice. Also, don't cancel any
>insurance or change locks before you know it's ok to do so by
>an attorney.

That's an additional good point (the insurance).

In my state, there's an automatic temporary injunction as soon as one party files for divorce. If you take any money out of any accounts other than for personal needs or make changes in insurance or investment accounts, you can be found in contempt. In fact, if you take money out even in the days or weeks (or months!) before divorce is filed, you can also be found in contempt.

[nicole_80sgirl]

Will an attorney ask for money up front? Because I don't have it and I know my husband doesn't. I would have it at tax time but that is so far away.

I'm just so confused, one day he talks about making it work and the next day he has changed his mind. We've done this many times and this has been the longest he has stayed gone. 5 nights now.  I really don't think we will ever stop fighting about the same stupid little things and I think I've made my mind up that it won't ever work, but then I feel sorry for him and consider taking him back and trying to make it work.

I don't want to piss him off by getting a temp order because I know it will, but I guess that's what I need to do.

[nicole_80sgirl]

My husband has worked for cash for the last 4 years. I'm the only one showing income.

[mistoffolees]

>My husband has worked for cash for the last 4 years. I'm the
>only one showing income.

Then you would use your tax returns.

If he never declared his income on tax returns, you definitely need to see an attorney - since you could both go to jail over the matter (especially if you filed a joint return or claimed him as a dependent on your return).

[mistoffolees]

Some attorneys want a large retainer up front. In fact, I would guess that most do.  However, many attorneys will give you your first consultation for free and a few will work out payment schedules.

If that's not an option, explore legal aid that might be available through your employer (some offer legal aid plans) or through your state. Some law schools will provide students for pro bono work where necessary.

As for the rest, I will recommend a book that helped me a lot. It's called "Too Good to Leave, Too Bad to Stay" by Mira Kirshenbaum. The subtitle is "A Step-by-Step Guide to Help You Decide Whether to Stay in or Get Out of Your Relationship". It's well worth reading and may help you focus your thinking.

Good luck.

[nicole_80sgirl]

So basically I'm SOL either way? If I mention he has been working for cash for 4 years I go to jail...if I say he hasn't had income then it will probably mean I have to pay for the divorce and won't get the child support amount my kids are entitled too?

[nicole_80sgirl]

Thanks, I really appreciate the replies and the book you recommended.