Using the same attorney

[nicole_80sgirl]

I live in Missouri and me and my husband are going to get a divorce. We have 3 children together. We know an attorney and we have used her in the past for custody of my husbands daughter and she said she would do our divorce for $500 and we pay the filing fee as long as it's not contested.  

The judge in our county does not grant shared custody. My husband has talked about having joint legal and physical custody and I explained to him that I thought one of use would still be the primary one with physical custody and he doesn't like that. I have been that one that has had most of the responsiblities of taking care of our children and I would want to be the one with primary physical custody. Honestly, I think he just doesn't want to pay child support. I'm not worried about child support because I know I can support our children by myself because I'm doing it right now.

My husband is also in the middle of a huge mess. His 16 year old daughter accused him of raping her and he has been to jail and has an attorney. I don't think he did it. I know that sounds crazy, but I'm really confused about what to do. Does anyone have any suggestions?

[Kitty C.]

If you both want to use the same atty. to save money and it's not contested, then you don't go to court to dispute it.  It doesn't make any difference what the judge thinks...if that's the agreement you come up with, that's what you get.

But I think you are confused on this 'joint physical custody' issue.  Many divorcing women automatically think that if the father wants joint physical and legal custody, it's because they don't want to pay support.  Did you ever stop to think that maybe he loves his children and wants to have equal say and effort into raising them?  And what makes you think that if he doesn't pay support, he's not taking care of his kids financially?  

The idea of support is to make sure that BOTH parents are equally supporting their kids financially, regardless of whom the kids live with.  So if you share physical custody equally, you would still be paying equally.  The other financial details to work out would be in who carries insurance, how OOP medical and dental expenses are handled, and how to split costs that are over and above normal, every days expenses (extra-curricular activities, high dollar toys, etc).  Then you have the special custody issues that must be worked out, like where the kids spend the holidays and how vacations are worked out.

Sorry if I sound crass, but that old dig that fathers who want to share in raising the children that they love are ONLY doing it to get out of paying support is just plain ignorant.  Just because you carried them for 9 months and gave birth to them doesn't mean he loves them any less than you do or would take care of them worse than you.  He may not take care of them EXACTLY the way you want him to (within legal limits), but that's not for you to say once you split.  His way of parenting will not be like yours..........the reason why God made it possible to have children ONLY by having a male and female come together, because children MUST HAVE the influence of both to grow up as well rounded individuals.  

The best possible outcome for your children is to have constant and continuous contact with both parents, and having a 50/50 split with physical custody and joint legal will ensure that.  But ONLY if you are willing to put any differences you may have with each other aside and be willing to co-parent with him.  You must have thought enough of him at one point to have 3 children with him, now you will still be in each other's lives as long as those children are alive.  For your children's sake, you both need to be the better person and put their needs first.  And what they need the most is BOTH their parents.

Again, I apologize if this sounds crass, but this is a sore subject with me......my SS suffered for years because his mother hated DH so much, she thought she could make him pay for the supposed hurt he caused her by limiting his contact with SS to the absolute minimum that the court would allow.  And we only live 2 blocks apart.  Can you imagine living so close to your child and only seeing them 96 hours a month????  Thank God for SS's sake, she went through another divorce and 'saw the light'.....now we see him at least every weekend, since DH now works out of town all week.  And SS relishes EVERY minute of it.

[mistoffolees]

>If you both want to use the same atty. to save money and it's
>not contested, then you don't go to court to dispute it.  It
>doesn't make any difference what the judge thinks...if that's
>the agreement you come up with, that's what you get.

Be careful. This is not always the case. In some jurisdictions, the judge will not allow an agreement that the parties work out if he thinks it is not in the best interest of the child(ren). Best to ask the attorney specifically if he/she knows any reason the judge might not approve the deal they've worked out.

Even more importantly, they could work out a deal and go to the judge with it, but either party can change their mind at the last minute - creating a huge mess.

Personally, I think it's best to have separate attorneys even if the divorce is agreeable. Less surprises that way. And if they truly HAVE agreed on all issues, it won't be that much more expensive. However, in this case, it doesn't appear that they agree on all issues - which makes a single, shared attorney an even worse idea.

>
>But I think you are confused on this 'joint physical custody'
>issue.  Many divorcing women automatically think that if the
>father wants joint physical and legal custody, it's because
>they don't want to pay support.  Did you ever stop to think
>that maybe he loves his children and wants to have equal say
>and effort into raising them?

I agree with everything else you wrote (trimmed for brevity).

[Kitty C.]

:-)

[nicole_80sgirl]

Well, my husband doesn't have a job and has told me he won't be able to pay support. He is trying to get disability and has been trying to for 4 years now. He's been turned down 2 times with an attorney he is waiting on the 3rd appeal. I'm really not worried about the support and I wouldn't keep the kids from him because he's not able to pay.  He does what he can to make money on the side which I know is illegal but I can't stop him.

He has been staying with the kids while I work through the week and when I call home he is always laying on the couch and half the time he is sleeping or he isn't even there and left the 12  and 9 year old home to watch the 2 year old. Then he was supposed to have them this weekend but decided he needed a break. Yet, he tells me he'd like to have custody of them.

I really don't think the same attorney will work anyway. It's like a roller coaster with him, everyday is a different story. I don't know, there is so much confusion right now. There's no telling what tomorrow brings. Thanks for the responses. :)

[Samson2005]

Depending on the state, either parent may be able to refuse to let the court make decisions concering the raising of your children. That is a fundamental right under the US constitution. Never let them get involved one Tad, or else you give them jurisdiction over you all.

[Samson2005]

Depending on the state, either parent may be able to refuse to let the court make decisions concering the raising of your children. That is a fundamental right under the US constitution. Never let them get involved one Tad, or else you give them jurisdiction over you all.

[mistoffolees]

>Depending on the state, either parent may be able to refuse
>to let the court make decisions concering the raising of your
>children. That is a fundamental right under the US
>constitution. Never let them get involved one Tad, or else you
>give them jurisdiction over you all.

I think you're confused. I don't believe you have any rights to tell the court you don't want them to be involved. If the court gets involved (and they ARE involved if you file for divorce), they have every right in the world to set limits.

Of course, you're free to exercise that alleged constitutional right from your jail cell if you wish.

[Samson2005]

mist, you are misguided here.

you can get a divorce and refuse to give the court jusidtiction over your children. they will not be discussed.

[mistoffolees]

>mist, you are misguided here.
>
>you can get a divorce and refuse to give the court
>jusidtiction over your children. they will not be discussed.


I'd like to see you tell the judge he can't get involved. By its very nature, family court has the right to get involved essentially any time they wish. Admittedly, if no one ever approaches the court about the kids, the court isn't going to stick their nose in it. But it doesn't take very much to bring it to the court's attention.

Furthermore, if you don't resolve custody issues at the beginning, they only get worse. This board is full of stories about people who have messes on their hands that could have been averted if they had resolved issues up front.

IMHO, trying to settle these issues without getting court approval is a sure-fired route to disaster. And telling the court that you aren't interested in their opinion is even worse.