Threats On My livelihood

[erhardra]

My wife and now ex wife is constantly threatening me because I went to a pornographic website two years ago. She calls me a pedophile and says the world will know, that she has proof. I really wouldn't care, but I'm a high school teacher, and just allegations could cause problems.
Her son attends the school where I teach and she has dropped names of his friends and alluded that tthey know all about me.

She's told me that she has "my life in her hands" and that "I should enjoy my last year teaching".

We still live in the martial home as it hasn't sold and neither of us can afford to move out and support the marital residence too. Though she constantly berates me to move out.

I've filed an informational report with the police detailing her threats, told my boss, and keep a detailed log of when she does this and what is said. I carry a tape recorder and am trying to get her to threaten me on tape. So far, no luck. I also made my attorney aware of this. His idea is to journal everything and see what happens.

I'm trying to hold my head up but I feel she is out to destroy me.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Or could someone offer a suggestion(s)?

[mistoffolees]

I've been in a similar situation - not exactly the same, but close enough. All you can do is document everything, listen to your attorney, and hope for the best.

If all you've done is visit a pornographic web site (and don't spend hours a day there), I doubt if she can do anything. There's nothing illegal about an adult visiting a porn site. If it's a site with underage minors, then you might have a problem on your hands - but stick with your attorney's advice.

In the end, the more time that elapses, the less it matters. If she's living with you (and your children, if there are any), that's an implicit acknowledgement that she's not really all that concerned (your attorney would ask her on the stand "if you were so worried that he was dangerous, why did not not file a report and why did you continue to live with him?") Her actions speak louder than words.

Oh, and if there are children involved, make sure to remind her that you won't be able to pay child support if you don't have a job and will probably have to ask the court to make her pay support to you.

Finally, talk with your attorney to see about getting a non-disclosure clause in your divorce decree. It's not easy to get it worded in a way that the judge will allow it (they generally don't like blanket 'gag' orders), but you can probably find wording that prohibits her from talking about her allegations. If you get that in the agreement and she talks, anyway, then you could sue here for damages.

Good luck.

[erhardra]

Were you ever advised regarding a PPO to try to stop the unsubstantiated threats?
 I'm hearing two things; my attorney says to document and wait, because she might just be blowing smoke. If she starts, then go for a PPO, etc. Using my documentation to support my case.
The police tell me to go for the PPO now, take the first step, be proactive, rather than waiting around to see if she does anything. My fear with this advice is escalation.
I wish I had visited this site earlier, as I'm already divorced, but we still live in the house as it hasn't sold. Your suggestion on asking for a gag on allegations was right on. Unfortunately, all we got from my ex and her attorney was a verbal promise that the issues and allegations were erroneous.

I feel caught between a rock and a hard spot.
Hopefully, evrything worked out for you?

[mistoffolees]

Everything worked out fine for me, largely because I had a good attorney.

In general, my advice is to go with what your attorney is telling you (unless you have reason to think that he's incompetent, in which case you should get a different attorney). They know the laws in your state as well as how the judge(s) will react to different situations.

[Samson2005]

I hope that you have been letting close friends know that you are clashing with a person who may not hold any punches, and even spread false rumore.

Word does gets around.  If her accusations get around before before people are aware that you in a nasty mess, who will they believe or be inclined to suspect?

It isn't fun or funny.

It happened to me. I moved across the USA to be able to have time with my child. I was a stranger here. The mother and her sisters and friends went on a non stop campaign to make me appear as though I deserved no less than to be run out of town on a rail.

They called my lawyers office constantly, court clerks, judges, any staff they could find phone numbers for at a university i was attending (whether they knew me or not), doctors, nurses, preachers, practically everyone in the entire town with horror stories about me. None of which were true, but indeed some of them listened.

It made life quite hard. After a few years, some people are still figuring out what and why that family did what they did, concerning the gossip.

You need to have friends (hopefully professionals) who understand your situation and trust you. They need to understand that your ex is NOT mentally balanced.

Maybe your lawyer should petition the court to order a psychiatric evaluation for your wife and hopefully uncover the real cause of her hostility. More than likely, even if she does not let it be known, she has feelings like that toward others as well.

good luck.

[mistoffolees]

Since children were not mentioned, it isn't likely that the court would simply order a psychiatric evaluation. That is generally only done in custody cases.

Rather, I would focus on BEHAVIOR, not her mental state. You're going to find it almost impossible to prove anything about her mental state because you won't get a court to order testing (again, unless there are children involved). Besides, there's nothing illegal about being a nut case in this country.

What IS illegal is some of the behaviors he's described. I would document everything and see an attorney to see if it's sufficient to get a restraining order. It may also be sufficient to sue her for libel. Unfortunately, either of those is going to require hard evidence or people who are willing to testify - and that's not easy to get.

In any event, it's the behaviors that should be the focus of attention, not her mental state.

And, yes, he needs to build a support network.