Looking for some advice and support

[pmichaels]

Hello,
I'm just getting started so excuse me if I have newbie syndrome.

I live in NJ and I have been married 13 yrs much of it rocky but certainly a lot of good times also. I have a 9 yr old son who is mildly autistic. My wife does not currently work. I have significant assets and make a pretty comfortable living. Over the summer my wife told me she wanted to separate, but we are still living together.

My wife has a lot of emotional problems tied to her own screwed up life as a child. She also has a drinking problem, mostly with binge drinking. She has recently gotten a better control on her drinking but at one point she was getting falling down drunk several times a week.

My son and i have a great relationship and I definably "get him" on levels no one else does. When he wakes up at night i am the one he calls for. I am also the one he wants to put him to bed. He loves his mom also but I think he connects with me a little better even though I am the sterner parent.

I would like to find a way to keep my family together but that does not seem likely. My wife would like me to move out. I don't know if that will hurt or help our situation but I am concerned about the impact it may have if we do get divorced. I get a lot of mixed signals from her so I'm a little more confused than usual.

I had a consultation with a lawyer who seemed very aggressive but also seemed to focus on how I should protect myself by moving quickly. If I can't keep my family together I guess I would like to share a significant portion of my son's time for all the obvious reasons and to make sure my wife's drinking does not become a problem in his life.

I live in a town where lots of my family is within walking distance so my son has very strong ties with his aunts, uncles and cousins. Fortunately he has also made some good friends even though his autism makes this harder than it should be. We have also had good success at school and the system now knows him and his needs. My wife has said if we get divorced she might chose to move to another town because she would be uncomfortable with so many people in my family being in town and her feelings would impact my son. She is of course assuming I will be an every other weekend dad. Moving him, I believe, would be disaster.

My wife has lots of plans to change her life. Quit smoking , quit drinking (although she has fallen off both these wagons at least once in the last 60 days), she's also talking seriously a bout a boob job. She wants to go back to school, get a job or preferably start a business. All of these things (although some I think are pipe dreams) require a lot of time and I'm not sure it would be wise for her to have custody, even if for the time being it might make sense, in the long run, she will likely have more demands on her time than I do or worse resent my son for preventing her from fulfilling her "dreams". Because of my family situation it would not be difficult for me to arrange for care while I'm at work and I do have a fairly flexible job where I can work from home at times.
I'm really disappointed that my wife is going this route but I'm not sure what I can do. I like to avoid a mudslinging contest because no matter what I think it's important for my son that my wife and I get along. But I don't know how you avoid a battle if you're asking a mother to give up her kid. I guess I'm hoping someone will read this and offer up some opinions or at least some support.

[ocean]

Do not move out of the house until you have an order in place. Be careful with your money situation too. Close accounts with both of your names or take your name off if possible. You can ask that you stay in the family home with the child in your custody because your wife can not afford it and that your son has special needs and the school he is in now is addressing them. See if you can get the school/therapist will put it in writing that he is doing well and that a move will not be in the best interests. IF your wife does get custody, you can have it stated that the child will not move school districts.

The drinking you are going to have to prove. Has she gone to AA or be hospitalized or police involvement? You saying so will not do anything in court.  

If she is willing, maybe you can split the week and use your address so he can stay in the same school (with that stipulation that he will not change districts)?

A lot going on here. Meet with another lawyer and compare stories.... You can do a lot before court to make your life a little easier. I am sure you will get more responses/ideas ...
Good luck!

[mistoffolees]

All good advice - it also sounds like you're getting good advice from your attorney. You will definitely want to take the initiative.

My case was similar in some cases. My daughter was close to the age of your son but with different needs (extremely gifted). She was always much closer to me than her mother and I was the one who did all the doctor's appointments, put her to bed most nights, etc even though my ex didn't work outside the home. I was ALWAYS the one she wanted if she got scared at night.

Her mother had some emotional issues, but not really at the level that I could say she was unfit (just not a very good mother). We decided to share custody 50:50 which means that we need to stay in the same area (a major problem right now, but I'll have to deal with it).

One thing to watch out for is that your stbx may try the same thing mine did - she made all sorts of bizarre accusations and even threatened to get me fired from my job. Even though we had a written agreement that we would share custody 50:50, she filed for sole custody. The court ordered a custody evaluation which came back just as I expected - both of us are good enough parents to share custody, but she has some emotional issues she should deal with.

You should talk with your attorney about a custody evaluation if your stbx tries for sole custody. It's a less expensive way to resolve the situation than to litigate and less painful in the end. Of course, that assumes you have a good custody evaluator, but your attorney can help there.

The bad news is that with a comfortable income, it's going to be expensive for you. I've got 4 years of heavy alimony and VERY substantial child support even though we're 50:50 and my ex earns about $70 K. Adding her salary, alimony, and child support, her total available cash is considerably higher than mine every month. Just figure that you'll struggle financially for the alimony years and then things get better.

Good luck.

[pmichaels]

Thanks for the feedback! I'm very glad I found this forum.