Request opinions

[backwardsbike]

HI Olanna,

A lot of the time the kids are there and will talk tome.  Their dad is very crafty and would never do anything so transparent.  It is just when they do get on the phone they give me only one word answers and sound like they don't want to talk.  I was thinking I was calling at times which were inconvienient for them.

Since I began this thread a lot has changed with the kids and I.  They still aren't calling me.  Except that on Christmas Eve my son suggested they call and daughter intiatied the call.  It ws the best Christmas gift I could have been given.  I made certian that they both knew how much this gesture meant to me!  We worked months in family therapy on this phone call issue and the counselor had told me to give up hope they would ever call.  But, I'm not one for ever really giving up.

Anyways, since Christmas they have been a lot more forth coming.  I called my son last weekend and he talked and talked and talked.  His BD and SM weren't home, of course.  But the point is that I now know he wants to talk to me.  I had begun to doubt that!

We continue to work on it in therapy.  I also have stepped up my efforts with the kids. I call them more often.  If they are short with me I just cut the call short.  I am making contact!  I also send cards once or twice during the two weeks they are gone.  My theory is more contacts-shorter durations.  I am hoping they will again get used to me being in their lives on a daily basis if even over the phone.

I am making sure they know that I love them and I am giving them tangible evidence of that.  Maybe in my case loving them is more important that being loved by them.

Yesterday my daughter asked my advice on a relational problem she was having with some friends.  For me this is huge.  Before their dad got custody of them they would have asked me something of this nature like they would breathe.  But then they never asked my opinion on anything anymore.  Now the pendulum is swinging back.  I hope to keep that momentum going!

[olanna]

I posted that because I do know how difficult the CP can make it on the NCP when it comes to long distance, phone contact. My ex on the eastcoast is the king of interference...along with his bride.  They do everything in their power to make sure I don't have any contact with my son, and yet, tell him what a loser I am because I never call him.  When I was paying an astronomical amount of CS, they weren't happy...when I got my CS reduced, they tried to convince my son it was because I didn't love him and didn't want to support him...I sent him phone cards to use, even when I was paying about $1000 a month in CS, and they took them and used them for *their* long distance phone calls, so when he tried to call, the minutes were gone.

There comes a point when the NCP says f#$k this and gets creative...

and that is what we had to do so we can maintain contact...he calls his sister, she conferences me in, so we can talk.  But he has to make the call, as a call initiated by me simply won't get through...

Oh yes, they have my cell phone number blocked...but I have yet to let them know what my other numbers are..

[Hardware Queen]

http://www.deltabravo.net/custody/reportcards.htm

You as CP are entitled to a copy of ALL communication that goes to your children's home from their schools. This includes emails, if they discuss the child. The link above gives examples of letters to send to the school office. They worked for me. I was getting a copy of the newsletter, and that was all - even though I had asked to be put on the mailing list. However, I understand how hard it sometimes is to get communication from teachers, whether you are CP or NCP. I never saw copies of permission slips, picture orders, etc. while son#3 lived with his dad, but at least I got a copy of his grades. And I work for the school district!

Good luck with the communication issue. Let us know how it goes.

[Forthelittleones]

My SS is the same way when he is with his mother.  We are custodial now and when he is here with us, he is loving and talkative.

When he visits his mother for the breaks, etc - He is mean, spiteful, I hate you, one word answers or - Hi Dad, I cant talk, we are going to the movies, etc and then hangs up on Dad if Dad tries to talk to him.

When he had a therapist she said that he projects mom onto Dad and Dad onto Mom. he hold himself to be as an adult with mom and an equal to her.  

Kids react to the stress they are under and they also want to please the parent they are with.  SS will get in trouble with his mom.  although she relinqueshed custody, she will tell SS all sorts of stories and promises, for instance she told him he had to come home as his sister needed a playmate - He said that is what our older sister is for - mom said no- that is what you are for...

Or he asked her when she was going to see him in Jan - she said you wont be living with him in Janu - he siad okay mom when are coming to see me in January?  She made a couple more stupid comments to him and he redirected her.  

Since when did I think a 11 year old would be able to redirect mom!

Hang in there and know that your kids love you!

[backwardsbike]

That is creative!  How lucky you are that your child calls.  Mine genrerally do not call.  I have even told them they can call collect from school etc.  Still the phone doesn't ring.  It was just that once on Christmas Eve!

[backwardsbike]

It sounds like the thearpist knew his/her stuff.  I know that they are many convoluted dnyamics going on here.  My concern is that they aren't healthy.  Unfortunately the judge doesn't care. Until one of the kids tries suicide or gets arrested for drugs or pregnant then he doesn't want to hear it.