Brainwashing my child

[worriedmom]

I am a happily married mother of 3 boys. My oldest boy (lukis) is 5 and visits his biological father every other weekend. I have tried to get his father to go to mediation and parenting classes but he refuses and is 900 dollars behind in child support. My son has been coming home telling us that his dad says he doesnt have to listen to us and that we are not his family. My ex and I were never married (in fact) he didnt even want to be in his life until my son was 4 yrs old. Just recently my son told us that if he calls my husband dad then his dad will spank him and take his toys away. He has also been extremely violent to my 2 yr old and tells me that if he doesnt hurt his little brother that the "bad guys from jail" will come "kill" him. I dont know what to do. Ive contacted state, they wont help and lawyers tell me i have no case. What am I supposed to do, just sit around while my son is being mentally and emotionally attacked by his father? Anybody been through this that can give me some insight in this? I lose sleep, getting depressed I just feel alone....

 

[Kitty C.]

First, I recommend that you take him to a psychologist or therapist who specializes in pediatrics.  If he reports any abuse to them, they are required by law to report it.  And reporting by an objective 3rd party ALWAYS gets investigated, rather than a parent doing it and making it sound like a custody dispute.

Second, he should NOT be calling your husband 'Dad', since he's not your son's father.   Your son has ONE father and ONE mother and think of the opposite..........how would YOU feel if he remarried and your son called his new wife 'Mom'?

[kitten]

Third, you can have have child support and mediation ordered.  Call or visit your local Family law court and they will walk you through it.  If he truly is being abusive, you owe it to your children.  

[dsm]

#1.  Your son should not be calling your DH 'dad'.  He has a dad, as much as you and he don't get along, he's still your son's dad.  Your DH is not and should not be expecting to be called dad.   My SD has never called me mom and I've been involved in her life since she was a toddler - and been more of a mother to her than her own, but still I don't expect to be called mom.  She calls me dsm.   Her mom holds a special place in her heart - and that is how it should be.  Don't expect your son to divide his loyalty or love.

#2.  Your son is old enough to understand that he should not be mistreating anyone.  And I think that you need to instill in him that it is never right for anyone to hit anyone without due cause.  If he seems to be having trouble grasping this concept, and is under stress with it, look into a child counselor who will help him to realize that there is appropriate behavior.   Your son is also old enough to be in a discussion with you about family - explain that family doesn't have to be by blood - that he can love all people involved in his life - neighbors, friends, aunts, uncles, step-family members the same as he loves you or your ex.  And when he says that his dad says that no one in the step-family is his family, you say that his dad is entitled to his opinion but that you believe differently and that he should consider the people in his life family.

#3.  Don't involve your son in the matters of child support and what his dad owes.  Take that up with your local child support enforcement office and let them handle it with your ex.  

#4.  Reinforce to your son that there is no one that will come and hurt him.  

How often does your son see his dad?   You mentioned that until your son was 4 his dad was not involved in his life.   What you can do is send your ex a letter asking for him to stop discussing child support with your son; ask him to bring questions to your attention versus expecting a 5 yearold to answer how things run in your house; that you are bringing up your son to take value in important people in his life and that while your younger sons are not 100% blood relative they are in fact brothers and you are bringing him up to be a caring young man.   Don't expect that your letter will do anything to change things, but at least you will have it documented that you tried.  


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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[mango]

I recently went to a counselor and she advised me on this issue. She said that it should be entirely the childs choice how she/he address step-parents.

They may prefer to call step parents mom/dad, to fit in with the family, especially if there are other half-siblings are involved.

They may prefer first-name.

But at any rate the child should do what makes them comfortable, not what any of the parents want.

As for the brainwashing, I would try to find a counselor that is familiar with PAS in your local area.

[worriedmom]

Ok well first off, my husband does not make him call him dad neither do I. His real dad doesnt want anything to do with him beyond his visitation and my husband is always there. He most of the time calls him by his first name but every once in a while he will call him dad. The thing that is aggrivating me is that my ex is threatning him over my sons choice, not mine. I let my oldest choose what he wants to call him. Whether its right or not, you still cant Threaten a 5 yr old. Thats my whole problem with this situation. My son used to come home scared to death, shaking and would bury his face in my lap for about an hour and then be stand-offish for a couple of days, I contacted state and they didnt do anything about it.

[worriedmom]

1. My son does not call him dad all the time. Every once in a while he will call him that but I gave him the choice of what he wants to call him. No 5 yr old should be threatened by a father that didnt want anything to do with him until he is 4 yrs old anyway. He shouldnt be threatened by Anyone.

2. My son is going to a psychologist but he wont talk to her like he talks to us. We ask him and he tells us everything. She asks and he clams up and just says he doesnt like his father and he doesnt like going over there. I have told this to the state...nothing happened at all.

3. I have never brought up the child support around my son nor do I ask my ex where its at. I was just stating that because he thinks he has the right to do all this to my son but yet cant support him like hes supposed to. He does nothing for him out of love, he does it because the court order says so, and half the time doesnt even listen to that.
 
4.I asked him to attend parenting class for split parents, he refused. I asked him to attend mediation, he refused. I sent him a letter experessing my concerns about Lukis ( I did not point any fingers) I just said we need to discuss some concerns I have. He didnt respond...

5. My son told me today that he is scared of getting spanked by his dad that is why he doesnt listen to my husband. My ex told him he will get spamked if he listens to him. Those are my concerns that no higher authority will listen to...

[worriedmom]

My son did make his choice of what he wants to call him. 95% of the time he calls him by his name but every once in a while will call him dad. We do not by any means force him. The issue I am concerned with is that his father is threatning him. No child should be threatened by their parent or anybody. But im not getting through to the state about it, thats y i made the message board.

[wendl]

Does dad have court ordered supervision, how long has he been taking visitation on a regular basis.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[ocean]

What is his counselor saying? Did you voice your concerns to her? Maybe it is time for another counselor....is this one a child psycholgoist? If not, then ask around for a good one...ask at school too. Would he prefer to talk to a male? I would send him a certified letter stating your concerns and that if it continues that you will ask the court/psycholgist to intervene. (but your therapist now should have soem solutions that you and your son should be trying) Good luck!