Brainwashing my child

[worriedmom]

actually ordering supervision is my next step if mediation dosent work, and he has been taking him on a regular basis for a year. However none of this behavior started until I got married. I personally think its all vengeance and hes using my son to get back at me for not getting back with him

[worriedmom]

His psychologist hasnt really said much but she did tell me to take legal action which is what i am working on but lawyers tell me there is no case for legal action at the moment because hes 5. I have told her all my concerns that have arised since hes been seeing her. She is a certified child psychologist but he has a hard time telling Anybody what he tells us. Im not sure if he would prefer a male, I might try that if she doesnt pan out but i think shes doing a good job and my son seems to be warming up to her a little more each time he goes.
 
I have sent him a certified letter about my concerns and offered to attend a parenting class specially for split parents. He didnt respond but another letter will be sent because if he refuses mediation a 2nd time then I am going to take legal action to force him to go.If he refuses to volunteer he is in violation of the court order we currently have. The most she has given us basically is some parenting skills we need to work on to help our son with his situation. Answers we could give him about something his father said and stuff like that. Thanks Im going to need luck to take on the state to make them listen to me

[joni]

How long has your son been going to this therapist?  If it's been a while and he won't open up, you may want to consider changing.  It seems your son doesn't trust or feel safe enough with the therapist to share.

[ocean]

Will the therapist have a family visit with father? What would you ask for in mediation? Do you have anything in your papers that state mother/father will not talk badly about each other in front of child? If you do, highlight that paragraph and send it to him and maybe the therapist can make a phone call to say the same thing and if it continues she advises you to go to court. You will have to deal with this for a long time. You need to pick your battles and tell you son that nothing will happen to you and if dad or anyone hits him, he has plenty of people he could tell. I think that Dad probably go very mad about hearing that you son calls your DH Dad. It is a hard pill to swallow. In your next discussion with dad, I would tell him that he usually calls him by his first name and that sometimes he slips because you have two other children in the house calling DH dad. Reassure him that you make sure your son knows sho his father is. Good luck!!!

[worriedmom]

He has been going to her for about 7-8 months and he is starting to open up a little bit. He likes her and its going to take time no matter where I go.

[worriedmom]

The psychologist has asked me about bringing his father to sessions but 1. He doesnt know hes going to one bc i am afraid hell try to ruin everything weve accomplished( he is THAT vengeful) and
2. If it doesnt say it in the court papers then he dont do it.
Probably in mediation im going to inform him of the psych and talk to him about coming to a few sessions but I doubt it will happen.

I mediation I am just going to bring up a lot of points about whats been going on and im going to inform him that if nothing changes then i will ask for supervised visitation. I may get it i may not but its worth a try.

I think we have that in the court papers. I know the fact is in there about not using the child as a messenger,  i got to check that out.  Ive tried to tell him that he doesnt call him dad all the time but hes stubborn and pigheaded and just hears what he wants to hear and does what he wants when he wants.

With his dad,it doesnt matter what I do. Im nice and i get crapped on, I am mean and he starts picking fights I give him an inch he takes 12 miles, he continously lies to me ( like about being arrested in front of my son) I cant trust him at all to be where he says when he takes off and is late bringing my son home, he used to be on heavy drugs and is an alcoholic. Its worthless to try to find a common ground with him. I try to talk to him and he starts a fight automatically getting defensive about anything.

[dsm]

It is typical for kids to clam up when they are talking with people they don't know/trust.   How long has he been seeing the psychologist?  It takes awhile to build that up and if she is worth anything, she will find ways to build the trust - talk about other things for awhile to put your boy at ease with talking with him.  And then one day, he will just open up like he does with you.   The state is not likely to step in.  You are going to have to gather your evidence and get your documentation together and do this on your own.   The psychologist can be a great asset for you - get recommendations from her on how to handle the situation.  You talk of your concerns and always in the sense of what is best for your son - how you don't want him to be anxious and worried of getting spanked.   How often is he supposed to see his dad?  Bring it up to your ex that your son is having adjustment issues - he is anxious, etc.  (don't say that your son is worried about being spanked, or talks to you about things that happens over there - because that may lead your ex to further intimade your son and then your son will have issues about talking to you and you want that line of communication to stay open).  Ask him for suggestions on dealing with it all - this is giving you the chance to document that you are trying to work with him.  If he reacts the way that your posts lead me to believe, he will probably refuse to work with you, deny that there is a problem, deny that there is anything going on at all.  But again, that gives you power and ammo to use - you would be showing that you are trying to cooperate and work with him and he refuses to work with you.  So therefore, changes would need to take place.  And, if your son starts to open up to the psychologist, she hopefully will agree that placement should be modified in some manner to help your boy.

This is a long battle, and you need to make sure that you get your ducks in a row and gear up for the long haul.  Be extremely professional and businesslike with your ex.  Give your son a bit of leave-way and benefit of the doubt for now - but also instill in him that you have expectations for him in your house - he is to treat others with respect, and love, etc.   Keep your documentation together.  By your ex already not responding to your letter asking to discuss concerns you have, this is helping you - hurting him.  Keep asking.  And bring it up with the psychologist - which maybe you may want to consider a counselor for him instead of a psychologist.  How long has your son been seeing her?  If it's been awhile and he still is not opening up - and there is nothing happening at the sessions, you may want to consider talking with someone else.  Just be careful not to switch too many times - because that could look like you are fishing for things to be wrong.

There's alot to consider and alot to take in.   You need to stay strong and focused - not get down on yourself or the situation.  Because if you are down and feeling guilty or depressed, then you are not helping anything.  Do you see that?

Keep talking....it helps.....figure out a plan and then go for it.   That's what is so nice about this site - throw your ideas out here and we'll help to fine-tune and give you the shoulders to cry on and lean on for support.

Keep your chin up mom.


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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
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2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[dsm]

You should inform him that your son is seeing this psychologist.  This will come back to bite you big time if you don't - even though I think you are doing what needs to be done to help your son; your ex will be able to twist it that you are looking to force him out of your son's life.  This way, by you telling him now that your son is seeing Dr. X and it would be helpful for him to get involved in the sessions, you are inviting him to help parent.   You've got to give him enough rope to hang himself.   Show that you have tried everything you possibly can to work with him and he does not cooperate with you.

Ignore his attempts to argue.  If he starts fighting with you, ask yourself if the fight is worth anything - is it about what is happening right now, today, or is it about something that happened in the past, or how it's not fair that your DH is in the picture.   If it's not something that needs to be dealt with right then and there, then let it go.  Walk away from him, tell him on the phone that when he's calmed down to call you back and hang up.  Don't engage him, and then there is no fire.   Then when you are alone with your DH in your bedroom - scream into the pillow, rip up a magazine, pound a teddy bear.  Run a mile.  Whatever you need to get the anger out of you.  You have to keep a calm demeanor and keep yourself and your actions under control.

I posted this above, but it is worthy of posting again here.  The state is not - NOT - likely to get involved.  They have no party in this instance.  You have to make your case.  You have to present it (either on your own or through a lawyer).  And I understand that you've been told that you don't have a case to stand on right  now.  Keep talking with lawyers as you gather your documentation.  It very well may be that you don't have ENOUGH of a case to stand on - YET.  Keep building.  And get the recommendation of the psychologist for how your son can cope with things while you build your case.  Is the psychologist on board with you for limiting the visitation?


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dsm - 34
DH - 38
SD - 15
LO - 9
BB - 2
------------------
2 Cheap Entertainment cats - Snoop & Dagger - 5 years and counting.....

[ocean]

I agree with dsm....you need to let the father know....I would hope that if you send it in a letter that he is see XX dr for divorce issues and that the dr would like to have you at the next visit to discuss some of your and child's concerns.....he might back off knowing someone else is listening on it. If the three of you are in the same room with therapist and she says.."mommy and daddy have agreed that they will not say anything mean when you are around and that everyone loves him and wants what is best for him".  If father does not show up, therapist should call him and have a telephone conference to state the same things. If you want to post a letter, some of us can give you suggestions and to take out any emotion in it. If he does not do this, then you  have a paper trail plus the therapist. I also agree with DSM....I do not think mediation will work now....you need major proof to get supervised visits...they do not do mediation to talk about what can be done...that is what the therapist is for. If son, comes home from a visit and states something then tell him that you will talk to Dr.XXX next time we go and she will tell us what to do. Good luck....PS take a deep breathe and do something for yourself everyday or this will drive you crazy... :)

[worriedmom]

Thank you for the advice. I try my hardest to keep calm and lately ive been very civil and doing good with that. The psychologist thinks he has problems that need to b dealt with and she said that she agrees with me to ask for supervised visitation.