When the child acts like the BM............LONG POST !!

[msme]

The child definitely needs discipline. BUT & it is a big "but", from the sound of the ex, any attempt at discipline will be met with more PAS and a call to CPS. My son, his wife & I lived in fear of the "knock" at the door that might be CPS. Now their file has been marked as "victims of harassment, investigate fully before contact."

Granted, blending 8 children is a much more daunting task than blending 2 but the principles are the same. The children have an excellant therapist who is so helpful & that is what makes it work.

The first thing he reccommended was that spanking be reserved for very serious offenses. The children were told what constituted a very serious offense So there was no doubt that if they got spanked, they knew it was coming, the counselor approved & CPS couldn't argue.

He suggested that other offenses be treated by writing positive statements about the offense. It can be as simple as, "I know I must do as I am told", to something more complex.

One of my grandaughters, 9, finds writing simple sentences a joke & a challenge to see how quickly she can get it done. A while back, while spending the weekend with me, she was bullying the 2 little ones. I had her write 25 times, "I must try harder to treat all my brothers and sisters in a much nicer way, because I love them & they love me. That took all the fun out of it & that was the end of the bullying, that weekend.

The other part of the punishment is that until the writing is finished, they are in what he calls bootcamp mode. There is no time limit but the child is not permitted to do anything, except eat, sleep, go to school & church, & do homework & chores, until the assignment is finished. No friends, no fun, no nothing.

When they are not engaged in one of the above things, they sit at the kitchen table, with the paper & pencil in front of them. If they decide to sneak off to do something else, the amount goes up, by 25, each time.

I realize that it would be hard to work this on weekend visitation but a counselor will help find good solutions & their butt will be covered from the undermining by the other parent. Also, sooner or later, the child is going to let the counselor know that her mother is filling her head with all the crap & he/she will make a great witness in court.

Children crave discipline. When they do not get it, they continue to get in trouble trying to force the parent to act & give them the guidance & control they are lacking. That is why she is getting in trouble at her mothers home & in school.

They also need to work with the school counselor. They can also be a great asset to you & your child.

Good luck & God bless.
You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[sherrie ohio]

I dont know what will become of this child,she doesnt think of what will happen if she does something.She isnt getting any spankings for enything she does there.And I truely think the only thing she see's wrong out this is she got caught.When my husband would talk to her you can actuly see she was tuneing him out.
We make a big deal out of anything she does well,just like our child.My husband always try's to encourge her as much as possible.
She is a child that see's your love through how much you buy her and let her get by with.She doesnt like it when Dad sets limits,make's her clean up after herself,and try harder.
And i am afraid one day BM will get mad and try something.And most info we get on SD is from third party's.And she and BM are amazed that we have found out.And it's usealy some time after the fact.
We are on a very limited income,and lack the money to pay a lawyer.And if we go on our own the state pays for a lawyer for her.
And iv'e seen SD work people just like her mom does.She will lie to your face and keep lieing even when caught.Man i just dont know how much more of this i can take.It's an every viset ordeal.

[Kitty C.]

....the Love and Logic program.  It allows for 'natural consequences' and, if applied properly, will totally keep you off the hook where CPS/DHS is concerned.  The ONLY person that SD will realize she can be pissed at is HERSELF, becuase she caused the 'problem' in the first place.   Even if DHS were to be called, and you explain to the what you were doing by applying the program, they will understand immediately where the real problem is.  Because there's no loopholes in this program, it's that tight.

One thing to remember with this program is that you MUST be consistent and equal in your use of it.  Both paents in the home must be on board with it and it applies to all the children in the home, not just for the one who needs it most.  Most certainly, she will try different ways to 'engage' you to get her way, but if you effectively shut the door, she has no one to answer to but herself.  DS had been trying to pull one over on me regarding getting to school early (ie. me taking him instead of him riding the bus) and supposedly staying late.  When I caught him in a lie about staying late for a teacher, I e-mailed ALL of them and said they had to contact me ahead of time before he would come in early or stay late, then I informed DS.  He hasn't even bothered to try since then, since he realizes that we and ALL his teachers are on the same page with him.

I highly recommend this program!