psycological problems with the kiddos

[thesmithfamily_5]

*sigh*

My DH & I are currently in the process of suing for custody of his 2 boys, 6 & 10. I believe this problems are not new, they've just gotten worse over the years. I'll start w/ the oldest.

SS10 has issues with food. He started gaining weight after his parents separated. At first it wasn't too bad, he was 6 when I met them and he was wearing 10R. Looking back at the pictures he looked like a healthy kid! Now that he's 10 he's wearing mens' pants, size 32" waist. He has a pot belly, he gets short of breath with a little exertion. He's got the self-esteem of a slug and he puts himself down so he knows the reason people laugh at him (class clown). Last time he was down he was caught taking a half-eaten burger out of the trash, he put it in his pocket and was planning on eating it later. DH & I went nuts, didn't know what to do! Finally we sent an email to everyone we could think of, principal, teacher, councelor, school nurse his mom & our atty. The principal contacted us and said they see the same problems (he also has issues with anger & accepting responsibilty w/ mistakes) and they're doing what they can, but with only 10 days left in school, there's not much they can do. When his mother was asked, she said "yeah, he did that here last week. I yelled at him for a long time!"

Now, SS6 (almost 7) wets his pants. This weekend he wet 5 times. Now, I'm not talking wetting the bed or just little dribbles that boys sometimes do. He is soaking wet, from the crotch to his knees. We do what we can to remind him, but even still, he will lie & say he just went or go to the bathroom and just sit there & not pee (yes, they both have to sit to pee, cause their mom's mother tells them it's "dirty" to stand.) Now, I know that it sometimes happens when kids play, they're "too busy", but it's not just that. On every single website I found it says most kids stop doing THAT by age 5. And he doesn't wet just a little and run to the bathroom. It's like he actually doesn't care what happens to him! Or what will happen to him! And again, when we informed their mom she said "he's just hard-headed".  (She calls him Brat all the time, like it's her pet name for him.)

I believe both of their problems are much deeper than she realizes or wants to admit. I don't know, I haven't figured out if she's too ashamed to ask for help or just blind to their needs. DH & I are planning on putting them in counceling this summer, despite the fact that he doesn't have that right, according to his divorce decree. But that's only 2 months out of 12! And our case isn't progressing as quickly as we'd hoped....... know what I mean?

Anyone have any advice? suggestions?

[Sherry1]

then you shouldn't, otherwise, you could be found in contempt and lose visitation rights.  Additionally, most psychologists will not treat a child without consent from both CP and NCP, or court orders stating that the parent has sole custody.  

I know you are concerned about the kids, however, one child being overweight and one child bed wetting are probably are not grounds for reversing custody.  Has your lawyer led you to believe that these are grounds for reversing custody?

More then likely, the court will hire a lawyer for the kids and require evulations for the kids to determine the best interest for them.  This could run into several thousands of dollars, and since you are the party suing for custody, you would be responsible for paying most if not all of it.  A custody battle could cost upwards of $50,000 if the other party contests.  

[hagatha]

Have DH contact mother and tell her that he is arranging therapy for the boys and if she has a problem with the kids being in therapy to take it up with the court.

Those boys need to be in therapy and they need to start yesterday!

What you are describing especially the youngest's problem are classic signs of abuse, usually sexual. The children feel unworthy and/or unclean and their appearances and demeanor reflects their self-image.

Call your local mental health facility and ask for a referral. At the very least they boys should be evaluated to be certain where the problem originated. Trust me, the divorce, while tramatic might be a contributing factor, but not the sorce of the real problem.

If the mother refuses to agree to any counselling, petition the court to order immediate therapy.  

The Witch



Remember . . . KARMA is a Wonderful Thing!!!!!

[catherine]

I am not a doom and gloomer but I have to tell you that what you have mentioned is so NOT out of the realm of kids with emotional problems.  Quite common really.

I am sorry to say, that sometimes kids older than 5 DO pee their pants.  (I have an 8 year old SS who does it sometimes still).

My oldest SS, who is 12 now, gained 17 lbs with his Mom during her 6 week visitation last year.  He wears 34 men's pants.  He has always had a pot belly but he is currently having a growth spurt and is growing into his skin.  The more you pressure him with eating, the worse he will be.  He will have a growth spurt soon (puberty starts from 10 -12 years for boys) and it's common for boys to get super chubby right before their legs start growing.

Hang in there - I have to say that those are not reasons to get custody at all.  Why don't you work on the current custody order and ask to have the right to take the kids to the DR or counseling, and always, always, ask for more time.

[catherine]

peeing one's pants past the age of 5 is common for boys with emotional problems, not strictly a sign of sexual abuse at all.  It's a regression technique kids use when they are dealing with stress and anxiety.   Or it could be a major medical problem for all they know too.

[catherine]

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[thesmithfamily_5]

Sorry, I tried to post this last night but it wouldn't let me...

I'm sorry if I led you to believe these were our reasons for filing for custody. It's because she left the kids with her parents for 9 months last year while she went and worked in another (not close) town.

But their problems are more than just being fat and wetting. It's the eating disorder that he's starting with stealing food and cramming it down his face as fast as he can because it makes him feel better. And the fact that he can't deal with life so he has to pull his sweatshirt over his head to hid from you in a public place (or the teachers at school). And when he crys, not just a coulpe tears, but he sobbing because the McDonalds crew forgot to put lettuce on his burger. Those are the reasons we think he needs to speak with somebody.

And it's the not caring that every kid in the playground is laughing at you becuase your entire front is sopping wet with urine MOST OF THE TIME. or because your mommy has to bring pull-ups to your school and you're 6yo. That's just not right.

Yes, we know we need to get BMs permission. And we will attempt to do that to the best of our ablilty. But their phycological wellbeing is at stake. And we can't sit by and just let them go to hell in a handbasket because their mommy says no. Shoot, if it comes down to it I don't care if any of the councelor stuff is even seen by a judge. I don't see it as fighting the battle with mommy, but really doing what's best for our children.