Talking about the Divorce with young kids

[clayberg]

I am going through a divorce which has been dragging on and on. We are still in the same house and have 2 young children aged 3 and 6 years old. From time to time, the eldest talks about what he is going to do when he is living with mommy in a new place... One time even told me he didn't want me to go away....

Both kids obviously know something is wrong with Mommy and Daddy, but I have never mentioned anything about splitting up with Mom to either of them. Stbx on the other hand, talks to him every now and then about what is going to happen in the future. Like she is going to get him this when they move to the new place. Or Grandma will come to visit when they move to the new place, the list goes on.

Is it OK, for me to start talking about the future in this way ?

How much is it OK to talk to the kids about divorce ( my gut tells me as little as possible , considering their ages ).

We'll be having a custody evaluation in the coming months, should I be making notes about what the eldest is saying ??

Thx

[Jade]

>I am going through a divorce which has been dragging on and
>on. We are still in the same house and have 2 young children
>aged 3 and 6 years old. From time to time, the eldest talks
>about what he is going to do when he is living with mommy in a
>new place... One time even told me he didn't want me to go
>away....
>
>Both kids obviously know something is wrong with Mommy and
>Daddy, but I have never mentioned anything about splitting up
>with Mom to either of them. Stbx on the other hand, talks to
>him every now and then about what is going to happen in the
>future. Like she is going to get him this when they move to
>the new place. Or Grandma will come to visit when they move to
>the new place, the list goes on.
>
>Is it OK, for me to start talking about the future in this way
>?
>
>How much is it OK to talk to the kids about divorce ( my gut
>tells me as little as possible , considering their ages ).
>
>We'll be having a custody evaluation in the coming months,
>should I be making notes about what the eldest is saying ??
>
>Thx


The kids do need to be told about the divorce.  They don't need to be told the details of the divorce.  Here are some good books:

"Helping Your Kids Cope with Divorce the Sandcastles Way" by M. Gary Neuman

To read to the kids (I don't know the author's names):  
"Dinosaurs Divorce"
"I Don't Want to Talk About It"  This one was specifically requested by my then 6 year old when he wanted to talk about his feelings.  
"It's Not Your Fault, Koko Bear", I am not sure that this is the correct title, but both of my kids liked it.

And keep reassuring them that both of you love them and will continue to take care of them, just in separate homes.  

[clayberg]

Thansk for the reply, and thanks for the book references.

Could you elaborate on what you mean when you wrote "They don't need to be told the details of the divorce".

I can understand we don't talk about going to court, what both sides are alleging etc, but where does talk such as "when the divorce is over we'll do this , or we'll do that" fall into >

Is it OK talk ? Bad for the kids ?

I would think it is upseting for the kids to a certain degree, until we actually do physically separate. Until then, while we're both living in the same house, I have tended to keep away from such talk.

[Jade]

>Thansk for the reply, and thanks for the book references.
>
>Could you elaborate on what you mean when you wrote "They
>don't need to be told the details of the divorce".
>
>I can understand we don't talk about going to court, what both
>sides are alleging etc, but where does talk such as "when the
>divorce is over we'll do this , or we'll do that" fall into >
>
>Is it OK talk ? Bad for the kids ?
>
>I would think it is upseting for the kids to a certain degree,
>until we actually do physically separate. Until then, while
>we're both living in the same house, I have tended to keep
>away from such talk.
>
>


They don't need to be privy to the financial side of divorce (all it will do is worry them) or the reasons for the divorce.  It just makes it harder for them and makes them feel like they have to choose sides.  Unfortunately, my children know the reason for my divorce as they were there everytime my ex assaulted me.  I try to minimize it by saying that my ex took anger management courses to help him.

Talking about what will happen after the divorce is over is okay as long as it doesn't involve blame of either party.  Keeping away from talking about the divorce isn't going to help prepare them for the time that you don't live together anymore.  And may make it harder on them to deal with the eventual separate homes.  

Believe, from my experience, just springing it on the kids is harder for them.  I wish I had had more time to prepare my kids, but given the circumstances around my separation I really didn't have a choice in the matter.  You don't appear to be in the same boat, so while I wouldn't constantly harp on it, I wouldn't avoid discussion about it either.  

[Mamacass]

If y'all have already figured out where you and stbx are going to live, and what schedule you are going to set up for each of you to have the kids that's awesome.  In that case, I don't see any problem preparing the kids for that.  
However, don't tell the kids "you will live with me and see mommy on the weekends" if you don't know that for sure.  If there is no schedule set up, and you and your stbx can't agree on when the kids will be where, then it is more stressful to them when they are promised one thing and it ends up something entirely different.

We went through this with my SS's BM.  Long story short, she convinced SS he was going with her when she moved to NC.  She kept telling him NC was a definite and we kept telling himhe may go there, he may stay here with us, but nothing was definite yet.  BM had made it such a big deal that he was going with her no matter what, that SS would look at us like we were nuts when we told him that no one was really sure what was going to happen yet.  He would tell us that his mommy had decided and that was that.  We tried not to be confrontational, and I think it was a big surprise to SS when after 2 weeks in NC, the courts ordered his mom to return him, and awarded us custody.  It took a little adjustment time, and I honestly think it would have been much better had BM been honest from the start that living with us was a possiblity.  
So the moral of the story is, don't set your kids up for something you can't guarantee.  You'll end up confusing them more in the long run.  
Sounds like if you are still all living in the household that things are pretty amicable, so maybe hold a family meeting and answer any questions the kids have.  If you don't have all the answers right now, tell them you'll get back to them.  This will also let them know that the door is open for them to come with you about their concerns.  I'm sure they know a change is coming up, so it can't hurt to acknowledge that there will be some changes and help them prepare for it.