Extracurricular Activities

[gemini3]

My husband and I have been debating this issue and trying to determine what the best course of action is, so I thought I would get some opinions from others as well.

My husband has visitation every Wed from 5-8P and 3 weekends per month, in addition to summer and holidays.  Ever since the kids were old enough, they have expressed a desire to be in different extra-curricular activities: dance, scouts, karate, soccer, etc.  BM has always denied all requests - giving the kids a myriad of excuses as to why they can't do these things.  Since we feel that these kinds of activities are good for kids, we found a couple of things that they could do during my husbands parenting time that didn't affect BM's time or require her commitment.  We paid for everything in full, including the costs of uniforms, etc.  We also notified BM that the kids would be participating in said activities.  To our surprise we had no problems with it.  Until now, that is.

For some reason, BM has recently become super-interested in the activity the kids are in now, and has decided to start coming to practice, cam-cording it, etc.  Besides just being completely weird an out of character for her, it's becoming burdensome for us because the practices are during my husbands parenting time - so he is now basically sharing a portion of his parenting time with BM.

We don't know what to do because we know it's good for the kids that their mom is participating, but it's not fair that she's shouldering in on his time with the kids.  She is less than cooperative, and she doesn't speak to (or even look at) us while she's there, so it's kind of an uncomfortable situation.  There are also other practices available during the week that she could choose to take the kids to if she wanted to be involved, but for some reason she's only coming during visitation - which just makes it feel like she's doing it on purpose to be disruptive.

Any suggestions?

[mo7818]

Why don't you just ignore her?? She is there for the kids and so are you so just focus on the kids. If she did take the kids to these things on her time; wouldn't you want to go?

There is nothing you can do to stop her from coming so just ignore her.

You mentioned that she doesn't speak or look at you guys when she is there; why do you want to talk to her? Better to leave her to her own devices and you to enjoy the kids.

[gemini3]

We don't think that ignoring each other in the presence of the kids is the best thing for them.  It makes them uncomfortable when we're on one side of the bench and she's on the other and they have to decide who they're going to be with.

If it was a friendly situation there wouldn't be an issue, but it's not.  It's extremely difficult for my husband to have hatred spewed at him on the phone or via e-mail and then ten minutes later have to attend the same function as her and pretend everything is hunky-dory.

Also, BM doesn't spare the kids her feelings about their dad or myself, so they feel very uncomfortable showing us affection when she is present.  When she's there neither he or the kids really get to enjoy their time together.

[Kitty C.]

Though the 'relationship' with my SS's BM has drastically changed in the last few years, it used to be like your situation.  SS had ball games that I actually attended without DH, since he worked out of town all week.

BM would put on a big show......to the point of forcing her then husband to be a coach for SS's team and, prior to that, making him video all the games.  BM's husband's parents would be there, too, which I thought was way over the top, but who knows.  They divorced only a couple years after that, so I knew it was only a 'show'.  I know that she was doing all this to throw it in my face, but I ignored it completely, even to the point of sitting as far away (and still be with our team group) as possible.  Didn't stop me from cheering for him and his team!  I even was able to 'rub it in' a little myself.  I usually sat with some of the other parents (whom I knew much better than BM did) and talked to them a lot.  Occassionally I swear I saw smoke rolling from BM's direction, LOL!

As for DS, during all that time he was actually 'punished' for even acknowledging our presence if he was with BM or SD.  He was between 7-11 all this time.  Yes, it was hard on him, because he didn't even think he could look in my direction, for fear of retaliation later.  But when we did have him on DH's weekends, we talked about it when it bothered him and he understood that it didn't change the way we felt about him.  After a while, it actually made him mad and would talk to me anyway, showing his own defiance.  She finally figured out that she couldn't stop it, so she gave up!

Yes, it is rough on the kids.  No, they can't outwardly show you affection, at least not during that time in particular.  But you can show each other affection away from BM.  I think by now the kids understand that quite well.  It certainly takes some of the fun out of playing for them as well.  But this is such a short period of time in their lives... that they will likely remember ALL their lives.  And there is NO way you can stop the BM from coming or change who she is.  All I can tell you is give the kids lots of reassurance before and after each game or practice and ignore anything she does.  Literally, sit as far apart from her as possible, to lessen the possibility of interaction between you.  Go to the games and practices and do what you came there to do....support your children and cheer them on.  Keep the focus on them.  What the BM does is strictly up to her.  If she goes so far as to create a scene, you can look at it this way...you will have LOTS of witnesses (hopefully she understands that, too and won't try anything).  And keep talking to the kids.  Even if they have difficulty acknowledging you while she is there, tell them before or after that, no matter what, you are there for them.  That's all they care about.

Look at it this way..........the only other choice you have is to take them out of the activities, and I think participating trumps any temporary discomfort associated with the BM being there.

[mo7818]

It all sounds pretty petty to me. Who cares who she brings to the games and what she does while she is at the game. Why does it have to be about you, isn't she there for the kids - just like you.

I am also in a similar situation. My ex signed my son up to play ball in a city that is very far, every weekend I would drive my son 45 minutes so he could play his baseball game.

Baseball is my ex and his wife's thing, he is the coach, she is the team mom and they go to all the team functions and they sit with the parents on the team. I go to the games and sit away from them and cheer my son on - neither one of us say a word to each other or even acknowledge each other.

My son loves when I go to his games and is upset when I was not able to make it to some of his week day games. I go for my son and only my son. My friends, my parents and my husband would attend his games because we knew my son likes when his family is there at his game. My son would regularly have many family members from both sides cheering him on at every game. Just as my nephew gets this smiley smirk when he sees his family at his games - kids just love people to watch them play sports.

Sometimes a duck is just a duck - why can't a child's mother cheer on her child without it having to be about you and your husband.

One more thing, kids are much smarter than you are giving them credit for, they know how you guys feel about each other. Even though you say you keep it from the kids. My ex and his wife would tell me that my son is hesitate to be around them when I was around but at home he would talk about them all the time and I encouraged that but my son wouldn't tell them things about me - maybe he knew that they didn't like me and would make comments when he did. The day my son found out his stepmom was pregnant he told me and my whole family but I was the one that told my ex I was getting married months after we were engaged, my son didn't tell them, I wonder why.

I'm just saying that it isn't always what you preceive it to be, it sounds to me that you have a great relationship with your husband and his kids, just focus on that. And when the mom shows up to something than be happy for the kids that their mother has taken an interest in what they do. You don't have to like her or what she does but re-adjust your focus to the kids and what benefits it has for them.

[gemini3]

>It all sounds pretty petty to me. Who cares who she brings to
>the games and what she does while she is at the game. Why does
>it have to be about you, isn't she there for the kids - just
>like you.

That is exactly my point, we don't think she's there for the kids.  We think she's there to get on my husbands nerves.  She has no interest in taking them to anything, or going to anything, UNLESS my husband is going to be there.  This goes for all activities, extra-curricular and school.  Even doctors appointments.  (She refuses to take them when they're with her, but will show up if he takes them.)

>I am also in a similar situation. My ex signed my son up to
>play ball in a city that is very far, every weekend I would
>drive my son 45 minutes so he could play his baseball game.

I don't see the similarity.  They go during my husbands parenting time, and she isn't required to take them during hers.

>Sometimes a duck is just a duck - why can't a child's mother
>cheer on her child without it having to be about you and your
>husband.

I would agree, if not for what I just pointed out.  That she's only interested if my husband will be there.  It seems that she's doing it as a way to interfere with his time with the kids, which we don't think is fair.  Especially when she is provocative when she's there - e.g. pointing the camcorder at us when the kids aren't practicing, bringing a friend and laughing/pointing at us while they're there, being rude to my husband in front of the children, etc.  This is his parenting time, and we don't think he should have to endure this kind of thing when he's trying to spend time with his kids.  The whole reason that we're having a hard time figuring out what to do is purely because we know it's good for the kids for their mom to participate in their activities.

>One more thing, kids are much smarter than you are giving them
>credit for, they know how you guys feel about each other. Even
>though you say you keep it from the kids. My ex and his wife
>would tell me that my son is hesitate to be around them when I
>was around but at home he would talk about them all the time
>and I encouraged that but my son wouldn't tell them things
>about me - maybe he knew that they didn't like me and would
>make comments when he did. The day my son found out his
>stepmom was pregnant he told me and my whole family but I was
>the one that told my ex I was getting married months after we
>were engaged, my son didn't tell them, I wonder why.

I don't recall, or read in my post, saying that we feel anything towards her, other than it's hard to deal with the current situation.  I feel that you may be projecting your own feelings from your situation onto mine.

[mo7818]

Please don't take this as if I am trying to attack you.

You're right about one thing, our situations are different. I am REQUIRED by my ex to have my son at his games even though I did not agree to sign him up in his city. I do not enjoy driving 45 minutes to get him to the game when it takes the ex and the other parents 2 minutes to get to the field. And if I do not have my son at the games than my ex and his wife tell my son that "mommy is mad at them and that is why he can't go to his game"; they say they need to tell my son the "TRUTH" about their mother.

And when I get to the games I have my ex, his wife and my ex's mother sitting with the other parents pointing at me and saying stuff. Not one parent talks to me or even acknowledges that my son is playing on the team. In fact, at my son's last game I had the new wife and her mom staring me down as I walked past them. I didn't receive a single email letting me know about team stuff or team parties. I am extremely disappointed by the way things are happening but since it is for my son I suffer through it for my son even though my family tells me I should not allow my son to participate on my days of custody.

So for my son, I deal with all this crap and I am not very happy about it but I still do it - so I guess in that sense our situations are the same. We are both stuck dealing with people we would rather not deal with for the sake of the kids. I feel that I completely understand what you are going through and how you feel about it. It would be so much easier if all of you could just go to the game and watch the kids play.

I try my best to STOP complaining about all this crap. In the long run, I am the one that suffers because of their actions and I want to stop doing that to myself. I said TRY, I'm still working on that one - obviously LOL

Please don't think I am trying to attack you, I just think we both should focus on what is best for the kids. Let her act like a fool when she goes to the games, when she turns the camera on you - SMILE, WAVE and maybe even blow her a kiss. Hopefully she will get bored of it.

As far as her only doing things with the kids ONLY when your hubby is there, I would say not to tell her when there are doctor's appts until after the fact. My ex brought his issue up in court and lost. He said that he had every right to be there for drs appts and asked the judge to ORDER me to schedule the appts around him, the judge laughed in his face and said that appts are made around the drs schedule. But I do have to notify him after taking my son to the drs giving him general info. This worked out best cause - really - I didn't want to sit with him at a small drs office waiting for the drs. So if she doesn't want to take them on her time than don't let her be there on your hubbys time - that you have control over - exercise it!!!

So, even though our situations are different, they are still the same. We are two people dealing with impossible people for the sake of kids. Trust me I know how hard it is but IGNORE her. All you can control is yourself and don't let her get to you - it is only more stress on you. I am trying more and more to practice this same advice.

Hang in there, sadly I feel it will only get worse :( I have been dealing with this for 7.5 years and each year it gets worse.

[Crockpot]

I may be in a similar situation soon.  DH and I plan on sending the kids to swimming lessons on our weeknight visit this fall.  

I agree it's not fair she's shouldering in on dad's time.  She didn't give a rip about activities until dad signed them up.  

I really think that if my DH's ex did this we'd stop telling her about the activites.  I'm sure that's not a popular choice, but Dad gets one night a week, let him have it!  I'm assuming most kids don't have both parents at every game etc.

Did the kids ask BM to come?    

[gemini3]

Sometimes the kids do ask her to come, but not regularly.  Usually they ask her only if there's something big happening.

My biggest thing was that there were more practices than just the days we had the kids, and it would be good for them to attend them... yet she won't take them to practice when they were with her.  If she wanted to be involved she could take them to practice on Monday, Tuesday or Thursday - or on the weekends they are with her.  She doesn't.  She only shows up during my husbands parenting time.

The good news for us is that the novelty appears to be wearing off for her.  I guess not getting a reaction out of us took the fun out of it.  She hasn't come to anything in a couple of weeks.

[Crockpot]

>yet she won't take them to practice when they
>were with her.  If she wanted to be involved she could take
>them to practice on Monday, Tuesday or Thursday - or on the
>weekends they are with her.  She doesn't.  She only shows up
>during my husbands parenting time.

OK that's annoying!  She's obviously trying to prove something.  Granted the kids might like her to be there (then again, they might not), but come on!  

One thing I've learned about my husbands ex is if we ignore her she 'goes away.'  Like a child, it's usually for attention.

Take care!