Evaluation question!!

[BellaDi]

Okay, to give you some background in regards to my issue. My ex has had custody of my daughter (age 7 almost 8) for the last two years. I had custody for the first five years.  He is remarried, and up until the point he got remarried we got along just fine. I allowed him to see our daughter whenever he requested, and in most cases would drive my daughter eight hours to see her father. (we lived in seperate states at the time). Now we have a reasonable and liberal custody arrangement, that due to the new wife is not working at all. I have requested for a modification and the judge has ordered an evaluation before he makes any decisions. My first visit is this Friday, and there's is the following week.

The sMom will not allow me to talk to my husband at all in regards to our daughter, she denies me all visits, communication, and any request to see my daughter. She states since she is the one that takes care of my daughter I will speak with her and not my husband. If I write my husband a letter, she calls me to respond not him. She is verbally abusive to me, and just downright nasty.

My questions are as follow:

#1. The Smom has decided that she needs to sit in on all evaluations with my ex, and be a part of them. Will the evaluator allow this, and if so will he include her in his report (generally speaking)? Also, if he does will the judge consider this in his decision making? The reason that I ask is because she has a very controlling personality, and I believe narcissistic,  and I have a firm belief that if she included she will make it known by her attitude and actions that she is the one that is truly causing the frustration of the relatioship between my daughter and I.  

#2.  During the evaluation with my daughter, does it normally span several sessions where he will encourage her to talk about all of her feelings, and will allow her time to open up..Or is the most emphasis generally placed on the "play sessions" and psychological tests? My reason for asking is I am scared that based on things my daughter has been told, by the Smom that when it comes time for the play time she is not going to want to participate with me.

#3. In this type of setting since a divorce has already been established will they still require/allow collateral contact to be given?

I love my daughter very much, and all of this is just very difficult. I just want what is truly best for my daughter. I know she deserves, and needs both parents in her life. Any answers you can give would be greatly appreciated. I have already read the Evaluation Guide and that was extremely helpful.

[socrateaser]

>My questions are as follow:
>
>#1. The Smom has decided that she needs to sit in on all
>evaluations with my ex, and be a part of them. Will the
>evaluator allow this, and if so will he include her in his
>report (generally speaking)? Also, if he does will the judge
>consider this in his decision making? The reason that I ask is
>because she has a very controlling personality, and I believe
>narcissistic,  and I have a firm belief that if she included
>she will make it known by her attitude and actions that she is
>the one that is truly causing the frustration of the
>relatioship between my daughter and I.  

It's not up to the sMom or the evaluator. If you don't want the sMom involved, then you can reasonably refuse to participate in mediation until she leaves, because sMom is not a party or an attorney in your case.

If sMom wants to participate, then she should agree to be joined as a Party, and to be legally responsible for the child's custody AND SUPPORT.

Put on this basis, how long do you think that the sMom will want to remain involved? Answer: not very long, because if you get custody back, then sMom will have to pay your child support.

>#2.  During the evaluation with my daughter, does it normally
>span several sessions where he will encourage her to talk
>about all of her feelings, and will allow her time to open
>up..Or is the most emphasis generally placed on the "play
>sessions" and psychological tests? My reason for asking is I
>am scared that based on things my daughter has been told, by
>the Smom that when it comes time for the play time she is not
>going to want to participate with me.

I can't answer you, except to suggest that you ask the evaluator for an agenda, and an explanation of the proposed procedure. But, if you're concerned that the child is being manipulated, then express your concern to the evaluator in a nonadversarial manner.

The most important thing is that everything you say and do appear to be motivated by the child's interests, not yours. It's never about your rights and your needs. If the child isn't playing with you, then you're sad ,hurt, dismayed, and you seek understanding. You're not angry with the other parent for manipulating the child's emotions, or with the child for being bad.

>#3. In this type of setting since a divorce has already been
>established will they still require/allow collateral contact
>to be given?

I don't understand the question. Please rephrase.

>
>I love my daughter very much, and all of this is just very
>difficult. I just want what is truly best for my daughter. I
>know she deserves, and needs both parents in her life. Any
>answers you can give would be greatly appreciated.

Tell the evaluator the EXACT words that you have used in this last paragraph above, because it is a perfect expression of what an evaluator wants to hear from a parent.

[BellaDi]

It's not up to the sMom or the evaluator. If you don't want
>the sMom involved, then you can reasonably refuse to
>participate in mediation until she leaves, because sMom is not
>a party or an attorney in your case.
>
>If sMom wants to participate, then she should agree to be
>joined as a Party, and to be legally responsible for the
>child's custody AND SUPPORT.


#1.  In regards to this response: If she be legally joined as a party does that mean that she will have legal rights to my daughter, or just to the current case?

#2. To rephrase my question: The Evaluation Guide it seems is written in the context that the couple in evaluation is currently in the midst of the divorce. My ex and I are already divorced. If there is no divorce issue pending will the evaluator still ask for collateral contacts (or this this only when there is a divorce still pending)  in regards to issues having to deal with my daughter, and any other issues they have question about?

[socrateaser]

>#1.  In regards to this response: If she be legally joined as
>a party does that mean that she will have legal rights to my
>daughter, or just to the current case?

The reason to join someone in a case is to make them a party. The point is, that the smom is attempting to assert an interest in a case where she isn't a party, i.e., she has no legal interest in the case. She may have some emotional interest, but that's irrelevant.

If she wants to get her face into the proceedings, then she should ask the court to join her as a party, and she can attempt to fight for whatever she thinks she's entitled to. If she's not interested in doing that, then your position should be that only parties to the action and attorneys should be involved in the mediation, because it's no one else's legal business. Period.

>
>#2. To rephrase my question: The Evaluation Guide it seems is
>written in the context that the couple in evaluation is
>currently in the midst of the divorce. My ex and I are already
>divorced. If there is no divorce issue pending will the
>evaluator still ask for collateral contacts (or this this only
>when there is a divorce still pending)  in regards to issues
>having to deal with my daughter, and any other issues they
>have question about?

Oh. The fact that you're divorced is irrelevant. If the evaluator needs more info from third parties, then he/she will ask for it, and if you want third parties to supply testimonial evidence, then you can offer those parties as witnesses.

[cowboy crazy]

We just finished our portion of our evaluation - ours is for a custody of both children.  I am the step mom and the evaluator made it mandatory for me to be a part of this.  I had to attend the play session with my DH and the children then I had one session by myself with the evaluator.  Then I had to take the tests - we had to pay for my portion of the evalution and then they split the rest 50/50.
The evaluator said to make a fair decision he had to speak with and test all people who would play a major role in the childrens lives.
We did not have any sessions with the ex, they are all done on an individual basis.

Not sure if this helps but this was our experience and we just did ours last week.

[socrateaser]

This is good feedback, however it is a misstatement to say that the evaluator made it "mandatory" that the stepparent be involved, because the evaluator cannot order the involvement of a non-party to the action, except by a direct court order, and after valid personal service of the order on the third party.

So, while the evaluator could refuse to evaluate unless he/she received the involvement requested, this is not the same thing as forcing a person to be involved, under the threat of contempt and possible monetary sanction or imprisonment.

[cowboy crazy]

All I know is that the court order was for the father, mother, and both children to be evaluated.  When I made the appoinments for my husband they said that I was to be evaluated too, I disagreed and said that I was not a part of the court order.  The evaluator said that unless I participated a possible decision in our favor would be impossible.  Our attorney told me that I was to make "any and all necessary" arrangements to be there for this and to cooperate in my fullest with whatever they needed from me.  This was another $825 on top of the $3000 that we had already paid.  So basically to us it was mandatory if we want a fair shot of gaining custody of the children.

[socrateaser]

>All I know is that the court order was for the father,
>mother, and both children to be evaluated.  When I made the
>appoinments for my husband they said that I was to be
>evaluated too, I disagreed and said that I was not a part of
>the court order.  The evaluator said that unless I
>participated a possible decision in our favor would be
>impossible.  Our attorney told me that I was to make "any and
>all necessary" arrangements to be there for this and to
>cooperate in my fullest with whatever they needed from me.
>This was another $825 on top of the $3000 that we had already
>paid.  So basically to us it was mandatory if we want a fair
>shot of gaining custody of the children.

No, it wasn't mandatory. You could have had the evaluator disqualified for prejudice, and the judge disqualified, similarly, if he/she subscribed to the evaluator's mandate, because the evaluator expressly stated that a favorable decision without a nonparty's involvement would be impossible. That is the essence of pre-judging a decision before the facts are presented.

This doesn't mean that I think that your involvement was a bad idea -- only that it wasn't mandatory, which is the issue that the original poster raised.

[BellaDi]

I just wanted to thank you for all of your help! Your advice is invaluable!

I went to my evaluation today, and the Dr. was extremely wonderful!

He said that he is going to recommend the following things.

#1. I do not have any contact with the Smom, being as she is the one frustrating the visitation. That I speak with my ex, and him with him only. But, that for the time being he feels my contact should be limited to my daughter.

#2. he suggested I purchase a cell phone with only my number can be called.

#3. He is going to recommend immediate visitation. That he does not see any reason why I should have even had to come to his office for the evaluation, and that I am clearly not a destructive mother!

#4. He also gave me the number to a lawyer, that he said he highly recommends I retain. That she is one of his good friends, and to just tell her that he referred me!!

All in all, I feel it went wonderfully. My ex, and his wife have already made and cancelled two appointments with him!!  I just wanted to thank you for all of your advice. It helped me to be comfortable, prepared and helped me to accurately and calmly explain my position and desire!

[socrateaser]

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