Christmas Visitation

[sere030932]

My husband's ex (never married) moved out of state to Ohio approximately a year ago.  They have a parenting plan, joint custody, where he gets her for every other thanksgiving, a week at Christmas, longer visits in the summer.  His 6 year old daughter has flown here about three times using the unaccompanied minor program with the airlines.  We pay for all of the plane tickets and one time she and her husband had to pay the minor fee and they flipped out.  There is nothing in the parenting plan to outline how transportation is paid for.  Anyway, we had purchased his daughter's ticket for the Christmas visit this year in October/November.  When the daughter flew back to Ohio after Thanksgiving the mother and her husband were late to the airport to pick up the young girl.  The birth mother then got angry at us and decided it was no longer safe for the daughter to fly alone unless one of us flew with her.  We basically can not afford this, we pay at least $1,500 a year in tickets alone and then pay $400 a month for child support.  The mother is now saying she will not send the daughter for Christmas unless we fly with her.  Besides the fact that we can't afford it, there are no seats left on her flight.  What are we supposed to do?  We have tried to contact the person who was un charge of their parenting plan and she says there is nothing we can do to make her come out here.  We don't want to go to court because we don't want to make the daughter have to deal with legal proceedings and having her parents fighting.  We want the best and easiest thing for the daughter, but are tired of being stepped on by the mother - she has pulled various stunts like this in the past.  We aren't interested in causing huge problems, we are actually fine with paying for the tickets (even though we didn't move away) we just can't afford to keep catering to her whims.  Do we have any rights?  What do we do if she doesn't send the daughter?  I want to make sure we follow everything right according to law.  Thank you for your help

[sere030932]

I posted this after the guidelines, I apologize, would you like me to re send it?  

[socrateaser]

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[sere030932]

My husband's ex (never married) moved to Ohio approximately a year and half ago.  We live in Colorado which is where the child was born and the parenting plan was drawn up.  They have joint custody of their 6 year old daughter, but the ex has physical custody.  

The parenting plan they had drawn up stated that we would have visitation with his daughter every other Thanksgiving, a week at Christmas, and longer visits in the summer time.  There were no specifications as to how the travel arrangements would be worked out.  

The mother told us that it was our responsibility to pay for all of the plane tickets if we wanted to see the girl.  Becuase it wasn't stipulated in the contract, we did whatever we needed to to get to see her.  We also pay $400 a month in child support.  They have demanded that we repay them for unnacompanied minor fees as well because the ex does not believe paying for travel is her responsibility.  

Recently when we sent her home from Thanksgiving, his ex was late to the airport to pick up his daughter.  The mother then decided that it was now unsafe for her to fly alone.  She stated that she would no longer send her daughter on flights unless my husband flew with her.  She stated that she would not send her for Christmas unless we came out to get her.  We purchased the tickets for this Christmas trip at the end of October or early November.  

Besides the fact that we can't afford to buy all of these plane tickets, her flight is sold out anyway so we are in a lose/lose situation.  

My questions are the following:

1 - Most important, what do we do if the ex does not send her daughter?  (I want to make sure we do everything correctly)

2 - Does the ex and her husband have a responsibility to pay for some of the travel related expenses because of their great distance away?  

3 - Can we change the parenting plan to stipulate how travel is paid for?
  3a - How do we go about this?

4 - Becuase this is not the first time she has made stipulations on travel arrangements that we pay for, can we file a petition to have them move back to CO or to get physical custody?

5 - Can we get make up time with the girl since we will likely miss out on Christmas with her this year?  

6 - Finally, is air travel with an unnacompanied minor safe?  Are there statistics or anything?  It is nerve wracking to have her travel alone, but it is sort of our only option becuase we can't afford all of the tickets.  

We are both very concerned about making it hard on the daughter.  We don't want it to get ugly and make it harder for the girl - so we want to do the right, upstanding thing in this.  

Thank you

[socrateaser]

>My questions are the following:
>
>1 - Most important, what do we do if the ex does not send her
>daughter?  (I want to make sure we do everything correctly)

You need to go back to court and obtain a clarification order on the issue of transportation incident to your exercise of parenting. I don't know if you ever objected to the move to Ohio, but you should have if you didn't. Nevertheless, the other parent's move has created the additional cost, so it is fair that she bear the additional burden, and that is what I would argue to the court, i.e., she is using the distance and the absense of a court order to frustrate your exercise of parenting, which is not in the child's best interests.

Send a letter, certified mail, to the other parent explaining why you believe your position is the more reasonable, and then state that if she does not voluntarily stipulate to a court order providing for these changes, that you will be forced to ask the court to order it, causing an unnecessary expense to both of you and a waste of judicial resources on an issue that should not require an adversarial proceeding (this last sentence is legal magic words and a judge who later reads the letter will note that you attempted to resolve the matter in good faith and not waste the court's time, and this will set you up for asking that the other parent pay your legal fees for bringing an unnecessary action to the court.

>
>2 - Does the ex and her husband have a responsibility to pay
>for some of the travel related expenses because of their great
>distance away?  

See above.

>
>3 - Can we change the parenting plan to stipulate how travel
>is paid for?
>  3a - How do we go about this?

See above.


>
>4 - Becuase this is not the first time she has made
>stipulations on travel arrangements that we pay for, can we
>file a petition to have them move back to CO or to get
>physical custody?

If you give in to the other parent's demands, then you lose your bargaining position. Forget about the past and deal with the future. You let the other parent move without a fight, apparently, so you impliedly consented to that move.

>
>5 - Can we get make up time with the girl since we will likely
>miss out on Christmas with her this year?  

Maybe. Hard to predict.

>
>6 - Finally, is air travel with an unnacompanied minor safe?
>Are there statistics or anything?  It is nerve wracking to
>have her travel alone, but it is sort of our only option
>becuase we can't afford all of the tickets.  

Air travel using the airlines' unaccompanied minor services are routine. Air travel is safer than car travel, and you don't need to prove it. The judge will recognize that this is all just a control issue.

>We are both very concerned about making it hard on the
>daughter.  We don't want it to get ugly and make it harder for
>the girl - so we want to do the right, upstanding thing in
>this.  

There is no "right, upstanding thing." There is only what you want and what the other parent wants, and what the court believes is in the child's best interests. If you want to win in family court, you must prove that the child's best interests favor your conclusion on a particular issue.

It's hard to think this way, but it's the way the court thinks, and if you try to impose your personal sense of what is right or wrong when attempting to decide what to do, you will usually lose and never understand why.

If what you want is better for the child than what the other parent wants, then you will probably win. If it's not, then you will probably lose. It's as simple as that.

In this case, what you want is reasonable time with the child per the existing orders, and the other parent has made this a financially untenable situation, by her move and subsequent failure to cooperate. So, you need to ask the other parent to "help resove the issue without resort to litigation," and if that fails, then you can litigate and the court will tell the other parent to stop being an ass and think about her child's best interests.

That's how it's done in the major leagues.

[sere030932]

Thank you, I appreciate your advice.  I'm new to all of this so I guess I still have all the moral highground thinking that doesn't apply.  Thank you.  

[Giggles]

Hi...I just wanted to comment on the Unaccompanied Minor travel.  My 3 kids are serious frequent fliers and they have NEVER ever had a problem with flying alone.

That BM has some nerve to dictate to you that it's unsafe due to HER irresponsibility!!  Every time my children has flown and is returning I make sure I am at the airport just the same as if they were flying out (typically 2 hours early)...I know it's over kill...but we are talking about MY children and I'd rather be safe than sorry!!!

OH...one other thing...you may be able to get a reduction in your child support due to the cost of the transportation that you are providing.   My X got this...HE was the one who moved away so the judge told him he had to pay for ALL transportation and gave him a slight break on CS

Good Luck!!!

[sere030932]

Thanks for advice, I really appreciate it - have a great holiday.