Mediation and parenting plan questions

[lacey_3000]

Hello. I am in California and have an 11 yr. old daughter.  My ex and I have joint legal and I have primary physical cusody.  He currently has every 2nd and 4th weekend and one overnight a week visitation.  He wants to change to 50/50, every other week, visitation.  He has asked me to go to mediation.  For many reasons I am againt the 50/50 parenting plan idea at this time.  

What is mediation?  Is it binding?  Who pays?  What happens if I refuse to go?  

Second, we have the Right of First Refusal and we have to give written permission to the other to take our daughter out of state.  I want to take her to a weekend conference in an adjoining state.  He is refusing.  He says I should leave her with him due to the Right of First Refusal, even though it is my custody weekend.  I am reluctant to do this as he is showing signs of being vindictive.  

Recently, I asked him to trade his week day parenting night for another night during a specific week in May so my daughter can attend an awards ceremony where I have been nominated as employee of the year.  He is angry with me as I have recently told him I am in  a same sex relationship, so he has become vindictive and angry, and is refusing to allow her to go.  He is calling questioning my sex life and other issues.  

I am afraid if I leave her with him and go to the conference without her (which I have done in the past) that he will use it against me as I know he is gearing up to take me back to court.  I am afraid he will use it to show how much more he cares for her even though I have given up quite a bit of my time in the last year for him to have her for his parents visiting and camping etc.  Until I came out recently and he got a live-in girlfriend (which by the way, is in direct violation of our parenting agreement) we have co-parented very well and made changes frequently and easily.  

If I don't go, I am afraid I am empowering him to control me and my actions in the future.  Plus I am being honored at this conference so it will be hard for me to miss. I travel a few times a year for conferences so this will be an ongoing issue.  

Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated.  

[Ref]

I have some advice based on my experience.

1. Mediation: In mediation you would sit infront of a mediator who is usually also an attorney. You will both plead your case and he/she will try to put you guy in middle ground. At the end you will sign a statement stating what you agree on. If no agreement is met, no statement will be signed. The statement will be filed with the court and then it will be binding.

If he is simply asking you to go to mediation, you can refuse. He would then be forced to either accept the agreement as is or take you to court for modification. In the same breath, you can agree to go but ask that he pays for the costs. Who pays is up to negotiation.

If the court orders it, it is the same process except the costs are usually split unless it is a financial burden and you file to have your side waived. It is then required that you go or you will be in contempt.

If you ex decides to take you to court, you are likely to end up in mediation first by order of the court.

2. All the other headaches:
 You actually might be looking a gift horse in the mouth. If you go to mediation you can negotiate going out of state as part of your conditions to approve parenting time.

How about this as a possible solution:

1. Ask him to have the out of state taken out of your paper
2. Ask that as part of the consideration, that you can have your daughter for that day that you want her fo the ceremony.
3. Offer to have him be residential for a block of time over the summer and have you have the weekends and weeknight.
4. Offer to have the live-in clause taken out.

It is possible to do this in writing w/out a mediator, you just would need the document signed infont of a notary.

I don't know the whole story about why you don't want 50/50 so I can't be sure my advice is solid.

Being a gay parent's ex: My sister was about your daughter's age when my dad came out. It caused my mother a lot of pain. She became extremely spiteful and vindictive. Before she was tolerant and had friends that were gay. Afterwards she cut those bonds and commonly used (and still does) words like Fag. Your ex is probably dealing with some insecurities right now and he really needs to be treated like a wounded animal. Be cautious of him and be kind to him.

Good Luck
Ref

[socrateaser]

Please observe the mandatory posting guidelines in the future or I will not respond.

>Hello. I am in California and have an 11 yr. old daughter.
>My ex and I have joint legal and I have primary physical
>cusody.  He currently has every 2nd and 4th weekend and one
>overnight a week visitation.  He wants to change to 50/50,
>every other week, visitation.  He has asked me to go to
>mediation.  For many reasons I am againt the 50/50 parenting
>plan idea at this time.  
>
>What is mediation?  Is it binding?  Who pays?  What happens if
>I refuse to go?  

Mediation is the use of a third party who attempts to bring the adverse parties to an agreed settlement of the dispute. It is non-binding unless you agree in writing, or your mediation agreement states that anything that is orally agreed upon during mediation can be reported to the court by the mediator -- then the agreement is binding.

If you are asking about court-sponsored mediation where the court assigns a goverment paid social worker to attempt to mediate your dispute prior to trial, the mediator will make a report to the court that you either came to an agreement or you didn't, and if so, then the substance of the agreement will be binding on both of you.

Generally, the parties pay for mediation 50/50, but a party can ask the court to order the other party to pay the entire amount. Court sponsored mediation is generally inexpensive (i.e., $50-100). A private mediator will cost you $200-400 per hour, depending upon where in CA your case is being heard.

>
>Second, we have the Right of First Refusal and we have to give
>written permission to the other to take our daughter out of
>state.  I want to take her to a weekend conference in an
>adjoining state.  He is refusing.  He says I should leave her
>with him due to the Right of First Refusal, even though it is
>my custody weekend.  I am reluctant to do this as he is
>showing signs of being vindictive.  

>
>Recently, I asked him to trade his week day parenting night
>for another night during a specific week in May so my daughter
>can attend an awards ceremony where I have been nominated as
>employee of the year.  He is angry with me as I have recently
>told him I am in  a same sex relationship, so he has become
>vindictive and angry, and is refusing to allow her to go.  He
>is calling questioning my sex life and other issues.  
>
>I am afraid if I leave her with him and go to the conference
>without her (which I have done in the past) that he will use
>it against me as I know he is gearing up to take me back to
>court.  I am afraid he will use it to show how much more he
>cares for her even though I have given up quite a bit of my
>time in the last year for him to have her for his parents
>visiting and camping etc.  Until I came out recently and he
>got a live-in girlfriend (which by the way, is in direct
>violation of our parenting agreement) we have co-parented very
>well and made changes frequently and easily.  
>
>If I don't go, I am afraid I am empowering him to control me
>and my actions in the future.  Plus I am being honored at this
>conference so it will be hard for me to miss. I travel a few
>times a year for conferences so this will be an ongoing issue.
>
>
>Any help you can give would be greatly appreciated.  

Unless you have been ordered by the court  not to remove the child from the jurisdiction, then if it is your time to exercise custody, then you can exercise custody and there's nothing he can do about it.

As far as the relationship issues, that stuff is likely unenforceable even if you agreed to it, unless there is credible evidence that the new relationship will cause the child irreparable or great harm. A same-sex relationship could annoy a conservative judge and cause you to receive an adverse ruling, however, legally, the judge has no authority to discriminate against you on this ground. But, you still need to recognize that judges sometimes exceed their authority or cover their biases with a different reason for their decisions, so it's not cut and dried.

Nevertheless, if your ex were to raise this issue in court, the judge would be obliged to cut him off unless there was proof of irreparable or great harm to the child.

Of course, you can't "unring" a bell, so if the judge is biased and hears the allegation of the relationship, then there's a chance that the bias will work against you, so it's a risk.

I suggest that you try to mediate your problems and focus on what's good for the child, rather than what's good for you. Judges want to see parents taking the high road under every condition, and they are usually surprised when it occurs, because most parents fight bitterly over everything.

That's about all the advice I can give. Settlement is almost always better than letting a judge decide your fate. At least you have some control of the settlement terms and conditions -- with the judge -- you have no control over anything -- it's a crap shoot.

[lacey_3000]

Thank you for taking the time to reply.  I will be taking all this under consideration and greatly appreciate the input!