Help with dental question?

[dadinva2006]

I have written to you before but just to give you a quck background:
I am in the middle of a custody battle with my ex (we were never married) for my 4 year old daughter. She is refusing me all contact and all information related to my daughter. I was able to get temp. visitation of every other weekend, but ex will not allow me to speak to, see, or give me any information about daughter's school, appointments, etc.

My daughter had a dentist appointment scheduled for Sat. (she is under my insurance) to get two cavities filled. I got a call from the dentist to day saying my ex had called and moved the appointment to tomorrow mid-day and was that ok. I told them no, to please leave it for Saturday (The only reason they called me for permission is because I told them when I created the account to please inform me of all changes and appointments made without my knowledge).

I them called BM and asked why she did this and informed her that I told them to leave the appointment as was. She proceeded to cuss me out and told me that she would then find a different dentist who was willing to do the work tomorrow and hung up.

I received a call back and she told me she had made an apoointment for tomorrow. I asked her for the location and she hung up. I followed up by sending her an email with the same request.

Questions:
1. What should I do? Can a dentist fix cavities on a child they have never seen before? I thought the procedure was you first have to go for a check-up and then they schedule a later date for the cavity filling?

2. I told her in the email that any appt. that is made that is out of network with my insurance and I am not made aware of, I would not pay for. Can she make me pay for this? There is no court order yet.

3. Should I call around some dentists in the area and try to locate where she is taking her or just leave it alone?

[socrateaser]

>Questions:
>1. What should I do? Can a dentist fix cavities on a child
>they have never seen before? I thought the procedure was you
>first have to go for a check-up and then they schedule a later
>date for the cavity filling?

Unless I misunderstand, the child's mother called you to inform you that she had moved the appointment ahead one day, and you objected for no particular reason. If this is true, then I find your actions quite unreasonable and uncooperative. Why would you stir up trouble when it appears that the mother was merely trying to make the appointment at a more convenient time?

>
>2. I told her in the email that any appt. that is made that is
>out of network with my insurance and I am not made aware of, I
>would not pay for. Can she make me pay for this? There is no
>court order yet.

She can probably make you pay for half unless your temp order instructs that she is to use the insurance available, in which case she should be responsible for any amount that the insurance doesn't pay.

>
>3. Should I call around some dentists in the area and try to
>locate where she is taking her or just leave it alone?

Like I said, I may be missing some important fact, but from what I read, you should be calling up and appologizing for being unreasonably controlling. If this is the way you've been operating so far, then you have a really long and hard road ahead of you.

[Miller]

I think that perhaps this post caused some confusion.  My understanding is that the mother cancelled the appointment that he had scheduled and has rescheduled for a day earlier with a completely different dentist.  And, won't tell him who the new dentist is.

I also think that perhaps the Sat. appt. was scheduled when he would have his child with him and he was taking her to the appt.

It seems to me that there is a horrible case of control going on here.  A sad game that so many of us have participated in especially early in the divorce process.  It's a difficult thing to do, but the best advice I can ever offer anyone is to take the high road and not argue over such things.  I know...easier said than done when you just want to feel like an involved part of your child's life.  If you are shut out of your child's life at every step, then you have a case.  But, you can't go to court over a dentist appointment.  However, I do know how this poster feels because I've been down that path and reacted in ways that I'm ashamed to admit now.

Note...these are only my thoughts and opinion and should in no way be understood as legal advice.

[socrateaser]

>I think that perhaps this post caused some confusion.  My
>understanding is that the mother cancelled the appointment
>that he had scheduled and has rescheduled for a day earlier
>with a completely different dentist.  And, won't tell him who
>the new dentist is.
>
>I also think that perhaps the Sat. appt. was scheduled when he
>would have his child with him and he was taking her to the
>appt.
>
>It seems to me that there is a horrible case of control going
>on here.  A sad game that so many of us have participated in
>especially early in the divorce process.  It's a difficult
>thing to do, but the best advice I can ever offer anyone is to
>take the high road and not argue over such things.  I
>know...easier said than done when you just want to feel like
>an involved part of your child's life.  If you are shut out of
>your child's life at every step, then you have a case.  But,
>you can't go to court over a dentist appointment.  However, I
>do know how this poster feels because I've been down that path
>and reacted in ways that I'm ashamed to admit now.

I could be reading it wrong, and if I am, I will apologize for the misunderstanding. But, what I've read, so far, indicates that first of all, the father doesn't have legal custody -- just visitation. So, he really has no legal right to be involved in any healthcare decision at this point.

All he has is the bare right to visit the child and the obligation to pay for support and healthcare.

So, if the mom wants to take the kid to the dentist on a different day, that's her right.

I realize that none of this seems fair, but it's legal based on the poster's stated facts, so I'm just interpreting the law. If the poster wants joint legal custody and the attendant authority to make healthcare decisions, then he needs to file the required paperwork with the court and try to obtain a different order than the one he currently has.

Otherwise, his complaints of the mother's overbearing control may be absolutely true -- but, they are also absolutely legal.

[dadinva2006]

Soc, you misunderstood my post.

Daughter is under my insurance and I created an account for her at a pediatric dentist covered by my insurance.

I received a call from the dentist yesterday since the account is in my name and they told me  that BM had called and changed appt. and was this okay with me.

BM did not notify me at all, in fact the reason she changed it was so I would not know about it and would not be able to go.

She has been playing a cruel and painful game of keepaway with my daughter and myself.

I am a very reasonable person, if she had simply called me and said a certain time worked better for her thats fine, but her intentions weren't that at all. Her intentions were to take my daughter without my knowledge (as she has been doing with all medical appointments recently) and then have me find out after the fact.

[socrateaser]

>Soc, you misunderstood my post.

No, unfortunately, I do understand your post, and you are misunderstanding the law. At present you have no authority to consent to healthcare services for your child. However, you have been ordered to pay for them, regardless.

The mother has the sole authority to consent or withhold consent, so while you may be angry at her control, that control at this moment is completely lawful, and what you are attempting to do is unlawful.

If you want the authority to consent or withhold consent for healthcare services, then you must obtain a grant from the court. Otherwise, you have no legal reason to complain -- even though you may believe that you have a moral jusfication.

I don't get involved in the morality of family law actions. I just interpret the law, and at the moment, you have no legal grounds to complain -- at least not based on the legal issues stated in your posts, thus far.

If you have joint custody, then that would change my analysis. But, if all you have is visitation, then my analysis is a correct statement of law.

[notnew]

As painful as it sounds, Soc is right about the legal right thing. I am in the same position and it sucks.

All e-mails you send, make sure you mark it for a read-receipt. That way, when and if she reads it, you will get an e-mail showing that she got it. Keep all of these for evidence in court.

Continue to send the certifieds and document her refusal to sign for them. It is more ammunition for you in the long run.

Do not argue with her. Also, be careful about involving doctors, dentist, and school with this type of back and forth stuff. You will find all of these types will become very wary and stand offish due to the legal implications of what they are being dragged into. If BM has sole custody or you have joint with her having decision making responsibility, you will have problems.

I would suggest requesting the court issue an order stating clearly that you have the right to medical and educational records, etc. (you can request any stipulations you desire and hope that you are able to get them but you will most likely get less).

You should be careful about what you agree to now - whatever you agree to cannot be changed without material change and you not liking it is not a material change.

Good luck!

[dadinva2006]

I was told that here in VA, since once you sign birth certificate you are established as father, both parents have equal rights to the child unless you have a court order and it states otherwise. We have not been to court for our trial. I have raised my daughter her entire life up until her mom took her and moved out of state in January. The only reason I have visitation now is because I went to court for a temp. order since BM was not allowing me to see her at all.

Will this game of keep-away harm her in court? Because it is surely not acting in the best interest of our daughter.

[socrateaser]

>I was told that here in VA, since once you sign birth
>certificate you are established as father, both parents have
>equal rights to the child unless you have a court order and it
>states otherwise. We have not been to court for our trial. I
>have raised my daughter her entire life up until her mom took
>her and moved out of state in January. The only reason I have
>visitation now is because I went to court for a temp. order
>since BM was not allowing me to see her at all.
>
>Will this game of keep-away harm her in court? Because it is
>surely not acting in the best interest of our daughter.

Whatever your rights and authority may have been before establishment of your temporary court order, the court has granted you visitation, and that is all you have, in my opinion.

You keep calling this situation a game of "keep away." It may indeed be just that. Nevertheless, my interpretation is that it is a completely legal game and that you are losing it at each and every turn.

So if there is an issue as to the exact scope of your rights and authority, as compared to the other parent, then you must file a motion for a clarification order on grounds that the current status is too vague for the parents to deal with the child's best interests as to his/her health, education and welfare.

Explain the situation to the court, and ask the judge to clarify each parent's rights and duties.

[dadinva2006]

Why am I "losing it at every turn" (the game)?
Am I doing something wrong?