How to proceed. Please help!

[twisted]

I live in CA. I have been married for 10 years, and have two girls ages 4 & 8.

My husband is emotionally abusive towards me and has on occation hit me to the point of causing bruises. This happens maybe 6 times a year. He doesn't "beat" me though. We fight all the time and unfortunately it happens often in front of the children.

I have become increasingly unhappy in my marriage and feel that I am setting a poor example for my girls by teaching them it is okay for them to allow a man (or anybody for that matter) to treat them the way my husband has.

Yesterday I found porn on my computer. The models were underage, several of them clearly underage to the point of being between 12 and 15. I confronted my husband and while at first he denied it, he eventually admitted that he had been looking at this stuff on a regular basis. He at first told me it was all my fault he looked at this stuff, then claims he is sick and needs help.

I am sick at the idea that he is looking at children doing disgusting things with grown men. I am concerned for my children's safety. I am tired of being treated like dirt by him.

He has told me if I leave him he will take away my kids from me. I don't work, have no income to speak of, and therefor no money to retain a lawyer. I want to file for a divorce but am scared that as soon as I do he will take the kids and I will never see them again.

I have removed the computer from my home and a friend is keeping it for safe keeping. I don't know if I can use anything on it for evidence or not, but it also has all of his financial information on it as he is self employed.

My kids love their father and I don't want to take them away from him, my friends are telling me I need to or at least get supervised visits for them. I'm not sure I am ready for a divorce yet, but I was thinking about filing for a legal separation in case he can get help and we can work this out.


1) Is there any disadvantage to me filing for legal Seperation instead of Divorce?

2) How can I keep my husband from taking off with our kids?

3) Can I keep him out of our house? Like change the locks and stuff?

4) I would appreciate any advice on how to proceed as I really don't have a clue.

[socrateaser]

>1) Is there any disadvantage to me filing for legal Seperation
>instead of Divorce?

No, but I think legal separation is basically just a waste of time and money, because it's extra paperwork and court appearances which will eventually be discarded in favor of a divorce.

>2) How can I keep my husband from taking off with our kids?

If your husband has abused you, even emotionally within the past two years, you can go to the courthouse tomorrow morning, ask to speak with the family court facilitator, and he/she will help you fill out an ex parte order to show cause for domestic violence, which will order your husband to leave the home for the next 21 days and stay at least 300' away from the children.

However, I suggest that you find an attorney, first, and if you own real property with equity, the attorney can obtain a lien which will secure his interest in attorney fees. The attorney can also ask the court to order your husband to pay his fees. The attorney can prepare a petition for dissolution of marriage which will include a restraining order on all of the bank accounts and other property, so that you can have the banks/investment companies freeze the assets, and then no one can run off with the dough.

Even if you were never employed during the marriage, in CA, you are entitled to one half of the marital estate, which means whatever property acquired by either spouse during the course of the marriage, except property acquired by gift or inheritance, and the income, rents and profits, therefrom derived.

I would make copies of the most recent bank and/or brokerage account statements, and copies of any other title documents, cars, home, insurance, safety deposit boxes, etc., that you can find, and take photos of anything of value in the home, so that you have a good record of everything that you own.

In relationships such as you are describing, your spouse is likely to immediately try to secret away as much property and money as possible, so that you can't ever know it existed. If you have account authority, I would remove a significant portion of any available cash, so as to prevent

>
>3) Can I keep him out of our house? Like change the locks and
>stuff?

If you get the restraining order, you can have him arrested by the police if he comes near the home.

>
>4) I would appreciate any advice on how to proceed as I really
>don't have a clue.

Yes, I see that. When your husband goes to work tomorrow, find a babysitter and then find a family law attorney. Preferably, you are looking for one who has the California CFLS designation (certified family law specialist). There are lots of qualified family lawyers who don't have this certification, but you can usually count on a CFLS to be good, whereas you may accidently stumble onto a regular lawyer who's not so good.

Also, if you have friends who have been through a nasty divorce, then they may be able to recommend an attorney who is good.

I wouldn't talk to to many people about what you're planning -- you don't want it to get back to your husband, until all the paperwork is in place and he is served with the petition and restraining order.