Funeral for Grandmother

[DadOf_LnR]

Is this worth trying an ex-parte to get permission to go to the funeral?
How would it look to a court if I went to the funeral and left the kids?
How would it look to a court if I missed the funeral because of this?

I'm the dad, and our two children live with their mother and mother has full custody. We live 3 hours apart. I have visitation ever other weekend, alternate holidays and all but two weeks of summer.

My Grandmother died and the funeral is this Sunday.  I asked to take the kids to the funeral and because of the driving distance to grandmother house we can't be back till Monday night. Our kids would miss one day of school so the mother refused.  

This funeral weekend is my regular alternating weekend with our kids and their mother also insists that I provide arraignments to care for our kids.  I've asked her to be flexible. She refuses.  I am upset and sad.  I have to make the choice between giving my last respects to my grandmother and being with our kids. I am trying to find someone to watch the kids, but it's an hour and half drive to pickup and drop off.

I've been flexible and currently I'm "owed" for two weekends that the mother requested to switch for previously this in September and October.  Last weekend could have been a make up weekend but the mother refused because she said she was leaving town. I have given up arguing with her logic. It turns out she is out of town all this week and the funeral weekend as well, returning Monday night. I only learned of this when I called to talk about the funeral and the kids told me that mom and boyfriend were gone and a paid sitter was watching them.  

All this is true. Please give me your honest advice. What is the best course of action for our children's sake? Don't sugar coat.

Thank you.

[socrateaser]

>Is this worth trying an ex-parte to get permission to go to
>the funeral?

You can try. The court may consent.

>How would it look to a court if I went to the funeral and left
>the kids?

Like you were looking out for their best interests, which doesn't include going to a funeral.

>How would it look to a court if I missed the funeral because
>of this?

The court doesn't care whether or not you attend the funeral. The court's sole interest is the child(ren)'s welfare.

You have a court order that requires you to bring the kids back for school. If you violate it, you could be found in contempt. This assumes that the other parent will file a motion and request contempt. The court could decide that the issue is de minimis (trivial), or it could fine you -- depends on the judge.

I suggest that you either ask for the ex parte order, or don't exercise visitation for the entire weekend. Simple as that.

[DecentDad]

Applying common sense and a parent's perspective, I think a court's reaction may depend upon the ages of the children and their closeness to the deceased.

If these are kindergarteners, they have no place at a funeral.

If it's teenagers who saw the deceased many times per year for their whole lives, I would think it'd be reasonable that it's in their best interest to attend the funeral, mourn their loss, seek solace from fellow mourners, and have the last opportunity to say goodbye.

If it were my kids in the latter situation, I'd do what I could to get them to the funeral.  Having the opportunity to grieve for loved ones is a healthy part of life.

But, if it was only my personal loss, and the kids were largely unphased by the death, then I wouldn't have them attend the funeral-- not only out of their interest but also knowing how much more solemnly I'd be able to mourn and pray without my kids' presence distracting me.

[mistoffolees]

Or take them as much time as you can.

The geography isn't clear, but if the funeral is late on Sunday, you can probably take them and take them home earlier on Sunday (although if the mother isn't there, that might be a problem). You'd still have Friday night and Saturday. At the very least, you could drive there, spend the day with them on Saturday and then drive back.

OTOH, if the funeral is early on Sunday, you may be able to take them and get them home Sunday night (you might have to stay Sunday night in their town and drive back on Monday, though. (Consider whether they're old enough to belong there, though).

It seems that your time with them is limited enough that I'd hesitate to miss out on an entire weekend.