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Are you excited!?  I'm so happy for you!

We had gone from NCP household, with only having visitation every other weekend, to a shared %50 physical custody situation.  A lot of it was due to major issues between my ss and his mother.

During our %50 physical custody situation (every other week) we had the same exact issue with homework, school work, behaviors in the classrooms - and even so far as physical appearance, attendance, tardies, healthy lunch choices and snack choices.

During our weeks ss's homework was done after school every night. ALL of it.  He had a behavior report "blue book" that came home with him every evening, which was to be signed by parents, and notes could be added to address issues of that day, OR, if he was having a rough morning before school I would warn the teacher by writing it in the book.  Every night this book was supposed to be signed, that way the teacher knew that we cared and had concern for what was going on with ss during the day.  Also, homework sheets were sent home each night and parents were supposed to sign them so the teacher knew we were keeping tabs on student's work expectations.

When ss went to school from our home, his homework was always done.  He had studied for his spelling quizzes and he had done his 30 minutes of reading per night.   His behaviors were much better in the classroom, he had healthy snacks and lunches and he was dressed nicely for school, having showered and brushed his teeth before exiting the house.  All of his papers and school stuff was neat and orderly and his days really started out well - what he did with them from there was his own doing.  He didn't turn into an angel during our weeks, by any stretch, but he certainly improved enough for the teacher and school counselor to tell us there was definitely a remarkable difference in the child depending on which home he came to school from.

From his mother's home he missed much more school, he was late so many times we had to have the front office print out the "late" schedule - he had so many marks on the "late schedule" it was really a sight to see.  He did poorly in classes, didn't study for his tests, he was doing his homework during recess times EVERY SINGLE DAY because he wasn't doing it while at home.  His clothes were often too small or too tight, and he got picked on a lot. He didn't shower as often and would come to school with his hair all tussled.  He ate hot lunches but his mother wasnt paying for the lunches so she had a huge bill, which was actually sent to us twice before they realized it only pertained to his mother's weeks.  Ss's behaviors were atrocious during his mom's weeks, so much so the school was calling us because they knew little would be addressed by ss's mother.

At one point, ss's mother was being called every day by the nurse's office because ss was going to the nurse's office every day by 11:00 am complaining of belly-aches.  The nurse finally realized that it was due to hunger pains, because ss didn't have breakfast and didnt have snacks.  It came to a point where, instead of sitting her son down in the morning to eat breakfast to make sure he wasn't in pain in the day time, ss's mother told off the nurse, telling her to NOT call her about this matter again, if ss didn't eat breakfast he's going to have a stomach ache and that's the end of it.  He either eats, or he doesn't.  The kid was 8/9 years old.  I mean, c'mon.

So that went over well with the school. Not.

I feel your frustration, entirely.  It's very hard to watch a stepchild go through this stuff, I can't imagine what it's like to be a parent seeing your flesh and blood having issues that are detrimental to their lives.

My advice is to do what we did, and that's to document EVERYTHING.

I volunteered in my ss's classroom, for him, and for the teacher, because the teacher was having such a difficult time with ss during his mom's custodial weeks.  If ss knew I'd be inthe classroom during certain days, the teacher told me he was far more apt to behave.  

Pick up the slack where dad leaves off, if you can.  Volunteer if you can.  ( I was a stay-at-home stepmom, so it was easier for me to do that for ss)  

Have the children enter counseling at the school if you think it will help.  Outside of school if you have the authority to start that.  

We started counseling for ss outside of school and were very adamant that his mother also attend.  The counselor eventually realized what was going on and how detrimental the living environment was at ss's mom's house, and we ultimately got custody of ss.

You gotta do what you gotta do and right now, it's more like you have to work double-time to do what's right for your kids.

without dad's consent, if he has court ordered visitation, he should write to her... certified return receipt, and in the letter tell her very explicitly that he is in agreement with her, since has not been given a choice, so his opinion really doesn't matter, that son can go to camp for this session and stay through Saturday, missing his first day of summer vacation with dad, but that dad will make up this missed day at the end of summer vacation.

>Child used to say she wished she could spend the same amount of
>time with both families ... Since filing for custody child now says she
>doesn't want to visit dad anymore, she hates him,  and that she loves
>mom's side of family more.  

Been there! ... DONE that!!   Mom's working overtime on the kid, and the kid is buying it, hook, line, and sinker.  My ss was 6/7 when it happened to him, and he reacted the same way.  This same kid who'd been saying, on his own, that he wanted to live with us, since he was 4 years old was now saying, at age 6/7 that he ... eh hemmm "never want to come see you again, not even 'til I'm big, and I told my lawyer that too", then he told us he'd need to be gathering up all his toys and clothes and stuff so he could take it all back to his mom's house... sheah.  He told his guardian ad litem this little ditty as well.  WE hired the GAL, INSISTED on the GAL being appointed because we knew ss was being alienated (among other things) and still, even when the kid told the GAL this, it still didn't ring a huge bell for the GAL (I really have nothing good to say about this woman).

We knew that if the GAL didn't admit what was going on in front of her eyes, that the only person we could appeal to, was ss.  So we told him what was going on with HIM.  Not between parents.  

He was getting all sorts of new clothes, new toys, which - at the time, Star Wars Episode 1 and Pokemon were "big" deals.  His mom, who, until that time, spent a lot of time/effort complaining to us about how poor she was and how she NEEDED the child support and how %50/%50 custody would work but only if we signed a child support order paying her MORE than what we would have paid normally if we'd only had Every Other Weekend visitation... She's a real peach, but I digress...

She was spoiling him with new shoes, new clothes, pokemon cards left and right (at that time they were upwards of $5.00 to $7.00 a PACK), Star Wars Ep. 1 toys - which are still expensive, movies (she NEVER goes to the movies), candy, soda (frequently letting ss drink a liter bottle of Mountain Dew or a can of Jolt right before his visitations with us, but surely no soda while at home with her, as she believed it made  him too hyper, but why the heck not spoil him right before he leaves her, eh? Give him a "special treat" of Jolt before he goes to daddy's house...)  

It was really amazing.  And we approached it in the only way we knew how.  We told him he was being treated great right now, but when the GAL is gone and court is over, things are almost assuredly going right back to the way they were... when he had no new toys, no candy, no soda all the time, no movies, no... nothing, and he had to realize that.  We didn't want it to come as a shock to him, but he had to know that he was being paid off... bought to say the things his mom wanted him to say.

He was saying, often, that he didn't want to be with us - neighbors were telling us ss's mother was putting on "shows" for witnesses to see... setting ss up to throw a fit before he left her apartment/car - crying, throwing a fit because he didn't want to come see us on our weekends.  (We lived VERY close to ex-wife, in the same apartment complex.  It was huge, but still, we had similar neighbors.)  She'd set up ss to know that she was doing something that weekend, something special, and he'd cry because he dind't want to go with us, he wanted to do what she was doing that weekend.

During this time, my ss, who's a boy with a lot of "troubles" emotionally and behaviorally... could do no wrong.  He was lying, cheating, stealing, physically abusive and violent with other children... and whenever someone would bring it to his mom's attention, she'd play it off and not punish ss.  There were so many issues the apartment complex manager had given ex-wife "warnings" for her son's behaviors (like the time he was caught urinating right outside in public view, or the time he threw rocks and cars, or the time he threw rocks at windows...)  Ex-wife did nothing other than tell ss he had to stay inside for a while because the apartment manager was mad.




> She has ADHD

Yeah (and I scoff)  So did ss... sheahright.  Ss had symptoms of ADHD but did not have ADHD.  He was a child with ADHD symptoms -

1.  Often fidgeting with hands or feet, or squirming while seated.

He was a 6 year old BOY with a lot of energy, who was living with a woman who has/had NO concept of how to parent and set limits and boundaries.  YES he fidgeted and squirmed while seated.  Did anyone bother to ask WHY he was fidgeting so much? DId anyone try alternative therapies to see if he could learn to sit still and learn that sitting still in certain situations was appropriate behaviors?  No, they drugged him first, and ... asked questions later? no one asked questions until my husband threw a huge hissy fit... but that's another posting.

2.  Having difficulty remaining seated

Show me a 6 year old boy who doesn't and I might fall out of my chair.

3. Being easily distracted by extraneous stimuli.

Personality.  My ss is a very intelligent boy with a lot of energy.  He loves to see how things work (by taking things apart ... aka "BREAKING things") he's also a visual-spatial learner, which, by nature, is all about the eyes and less about the ears.  When I say he's a very intelligent boy, I'm not just being flattering.  He tested as "highly gifted" at age 8 years.  He just needs to see everything around him and know all there is to know about it.  Doesn't make him ADHD.

4.  Having difficulty awaiting turn in games or group activities

We never saw this problem.

5.  Often blurting out answers before questions are completed

Never saw this problem - but if a kid does this, maybe it's because they're freakin' BORED and already KNOW the answer... if they're super smart, it's their way of telling the adult "Move on, let's get to some HARD stuff!"  (I taught in classrooms with some super intelligent Asperger's kids, lol... I loved'em, if anyone was to the point, it was definitely my AS students, but they taught me a LOT, this being one of them.)

6.  Having difficulty in following instructions.

My ss is a visual spatial learner, he does NOT do things in order.  Visual Spatial Learners do NOT think in linear sequences, meaning... "order means nothing".  A classic example, for him, is when doing an incredibly complex math problem at age 7 (before we realized something was "up" with his brain power)...  I showed him the process... he was NOT paying attention to it, so I lost my patience and said "fine, you do it, and when you get it wrong, you'll be asking ME how you do it and I'll be less than pleased to have to repeat myself..." reminding him he was NOT to get up from the table until he had it completed.  I was sure he was not going to get this problem correct.

Sure enough, a few minutes later he presents me with the answer.  No writing, no scrap paper work, nothing.  The answer was correct.  I asked him if he cheated or something, because I couldn't figure out how he came to the answer... so I asked "HOW in the world did you do this?" and he explained it to me... and it was far more complicated, to me, than I care to write here.  I'd have done it in a sequence of "the process of finding the answer to the problem" but he? he was ALL OVER THE PLACE in his brain... multiplying numbers I never would have considered, adding in places I wouldn't have thought, and since he hated division, he worked around it.  I was stunned.


7.  Having difficulty sustaining attention in tasks or play activities. Often shifting from one uncompleted task to another.

Because he was not taught to apply himself!  If a child is not taught to do these things HOW can they LEARN to do these things? Some kids just "do", other kids just "don't" and you have to teach them.  When you have a highly gifted kid who wants to learn everything about everything and who fills in the blanks of what they do NOT know, with their own logic and reasoning, if not simply so they can move on to the next unexplored adventure... y'know?  I mean, that doesn't make them ADHD, it makes them curious and thirsty for more information and new things to sink their teeth into.  Guidance and direction are needed, not medication and labels.  (can you tell I'm a bit of a fanatic about this subject? because ADHD was also used against my husband when considering the custody situation)


8.  Having difficulty playing quietly.

C'mon.  I mean really.  6 year olds playing "Quietly"?  Kids don't play quietly until they're adults.  My mom had a rule at the apartment complex she and my dad owned back when I was a kid, ok? lol.. the rule was "NO NOISE BEFORE 9:00 AM!" and she was VERY disdainful of kids being outside, playing, before 9:00 am because ... Kids - can't... play... quietly! lol ;) Y'know?

9.  Often talking excessively

Yeah? well gifted kids often talk excessively, and if you have a kid who has a verbal processing issue, who has ONE thing to say but can't get it out, then you see the kid talking in circles trying to say what they really want to say.  FOr my ss, a visual-spatial learner, he does NOT have a huge vocabulary, so he can't use 1 or 2 strong vocabulary words to wrap up an entire sentence.  He needs to speak in very juvenile terms, he just doesn't pull into his brain, those big words, to express himself.  He'll put you to sleep in a matter of minutes.  It's sad, and it's annoying, but it's a part of life.  Does it make him an ADHD candidate?  No, it makes him a kid who would rather draw you a picture ot express himself than to use $2.00 vocabulary words he "SEES" rather than "hears".

10.  Often interrupting or intruding on others

And doing these things could be a sign of a child who hasn't been taught proper social graces.  My ss interrupts - less now than before, but this was definitely a problem for him.  However, when considering the source of his parenting at the time, it was not a wonder at all.  The problem was, when considering the ADHD diagnosis the only person that was looked at was ss.  His family? the way they lived, the things they did, the expectations they had of each other?  NONE of that was considered... and so? he was put on drugs, because HE was defective.  I could get into the dispicable nature of his mother, but I just won't go there.  (I may sound as though I'm coming down too hard on her, so I'll say that we got custody of my stepson due to his mother's abuse and neglect of him)

11.  Often not listening to what is being said.

My ss also has this issue, but he's also highly manipulative and makes it appear he's not listening, when he really is.  Again, it's the parents responsibility to teach their kids HOW to listen.  Teach them eye contact and an opening of the ears and a closing of the mouth.  If there is doubt the child is listening?  THe child should repeat back to the parent, what the parent said, or asked.  (For kids with bona fide ADHD, this is a hard issue for them, and I *do* completely sympathize)

12.  Often forgetting things necessary for tasks or activities

If you have a visual spatial learner, they will do this because they don't think in sequences.  If you have a gifted kid, they may do this because "hay, I can do it without that" ;) lol.. it's entirely frustrating for the rest of us... eh hemmm "NORMAL" folk.    I swear it, my ss could be a McGyver in the making.  He could make an atom bomb out of a toothpick and a stick of gum.  

13.  Often engaging in physically dangerous activities without considering possible consequences.

Again, visual spatial kids don't think in sequences... "If...then" statements may not apply so emphatically because that would be sequential ;)  "If I touch the hot stove, then I will get burned".  They think "If I touch the stove, which is white, and the burner is red... why's it red? oh, and it's a circle too, isn't that neat, there are FOUR circles but only one's red... the knobs are red too !!!OWWW I BURNED MYSELF!!!! "  y'know? lol  They aren't necessarily higher risk takers, but then again, some are.  My ss would have jumped off the roof of a building with nothing but a blanket as a parachute, as a kid. Now?  He rarely risks much of anything.   It could just be personality at that age.  Point being, long term consequences, or consequences which are NOT immediate, to some kids (like my ss) aren't necessarily as impending as they should be because the risks are worth taking. They don't think of ONE final consequence, they think of FIVE POSSIBLE consequences and it's worth the risk that he won't get the WORST of those 5.  It's a far more complex way of approaching life, which is what makes it so frustrating for us, adults, at the time, and which also makes it look like - to us - that he doesn't have any control over his decisions or he doesn't think about the consequences... that he's without the ability to do so in OUR TERMS... making him appear ADHD.  (when in fact, he's "gifted" and gifted kids learn in completely different terms... their own.  We just... watch... and hope they don't break something or hurt themselves, or gawd forbid, "have pieces left over, dangit". ;)  )





>and her child psychologist supposedly said that
>because of child's current clingy behavior to mother it would
>be detrimental to give the father any more time.

The problem I have with this is, this is the child's ADHD psychologist?  The psychologist should be a separate individual, who is a FAMILY counselor, not a counselor who's begun counseling for a different reason relating solely to the child's ADHD and "Ohh we'll just keep going and go the route of family counseling now..."  No.  A new, UNBIASED counselor should be considered.  I would motion the court for such a counselor, asap.  




>He has
>supposedly written a letter for court to that effect.  (The
>psychologist has had only a few brief meetings with both mom
>and dad present to discuss child's ADHD and treatment and dad
>didn't talk much.  

ADHD and that diagnosis has little to nothing to do with family dynamics in terms of parenting time.

There's a pretty significant amount of data out there that shows that children without father's in their lives tend to show symptoms of ADD/ADHD more often than those who DO have their father's in their lives.  Girls without dads are more likely to become pregnant as teens and boys without their dads in their lives are more likely to be violent/aggressive and show signs of ADHD/ADD.


>The psychologist has never talked with us,
>father and I (stepmom), about what our home life is like.  He
>has been interacting with mom's side of family and child for
>two years.  Dad had no formal custody rights and no access to
>medical records)


Based on what you said, I would motion the court to appoint a non-biased NEW counselor.  Ask the court for a list of court approved counselors who none of you are associated with, in any way, and for the court to also ORDER both parents to attend family counseling.

I would also motion the court for shared legal parenting with visitation.




>
>What are common visitation arrangements with very involved
>fathers and will the psychologist's recommendations be
>applicable in court?  

The psychologists recommendations COULD be taken seriously by the judge if you do not bring it to the judge's attention that this counselor is the child's ADHD counselor and NOT the "family" counselor... I would motion the court to allow the choosing of a new counselor, a "FAMILY" counselor, which is a non-biased party which neither parent nor the child, are familiar with, so you can ALL start fresh in determining what is in the best interests of the child in terms of parenting time.  


THe most common visitation arrangement you'll see is, "every other weekend with one night on the off week and..." a split of holidays, summers, birthday, mother's day, and father's day.  All of the non-every other weekend and one night on the off weeks' are really specific to the indivual cases.  Not everyone has the same visitations outside of the every other weekend with one night on the off week.

Generally, I'd say this is normal.

Every other weekend, One night on the off week. (1st and 3rd weekends, and months with 5 weekends, the 5th goes to the NCP)

Dinner night on the off week is right after school until 1 hour before bedtime.  (Unless you are close enough to have it be an overnight, then SOME people get the overnight, but NOT all, not even the majority)

Long weekends, if NCP's weekend, the NCP gets the Monday holidays.

First Right of Refusal - meaning, if the custodial parent at the time of visitation or custody, can't watch the child, the other parent will be asked BEFORE a secondary care provider is sought.  The child may be left with stepparents without being in contempt of the First Right of Refusal.


Christmas Holiday - if you are close enough, split the day right in half.  If you are not.  One parent gets Christmas Even, the other Christmas day.  Alternating years.  If you are REALLY far away, then you split the weeks, or you alternate the entire break year to year.

February break -  Either split in half OR, one parent gets it one year, the other gets it the other year.

Spring Break -  Same as Feb. break, only NO parent gets BOTH in the same year.

Summer vacation -  Week on, Week off,

We also had a random vacation clause which said that either parent may have 2 weeks of vacation time with ss IF that parent is leaving the state or otherwise "going away from home".  




>Also, the fact that the child was well
>adjusted and wanted more time with dad before the filing of
>the custody papers be a factor?

Been there, done that.  My advice would be to appeal to the child's sense of self, and right/wrong.  If she's a smart cookie, she's going to grasp the sense of justice and injustice, and you may lose this battle, like we did... but when she's on the arse end of the sh*tst*ck, she's going to remember who was up front and honest with  her, and it  will NOT go unnoticed.  She'll know who to turn to when a good dose of reality's in order.



> I'm worried we are going to lose because of this "doctor's" bias opinion.


You very well could :(  Sorry to be so black and white, but if you don't play your cards right, you very well could.  There's more than just the psychologist as well, there's going to be a whole lot of mediating through all of this, and I'd certainly work that angle as MUCH as I could.

I'm a stepmom of a wonderful 12 year old boy, and ... he, his father and I have all been through some tremendous ordeals over the past.  Having the experiences I've had, and through the help of many people - a lot on SPARC - have helped put things into perspective for me.


First off, you need to file for temporary custody ASAP.  Get that done NOW, because your ex could come and take your daughter for visitation and not return her to you, and then SHE can file custody of her and it would all be more than legal.

Do NOT allow visitation again until you have a custody order, especially not after she has let you know she's filing for custody.

Next, it's important that you know that her lack of involvement in your child's life is a SIGNIFICANT reason she should NOT be given custody, and in fact, her visitation should be closely guarded and eased into VERY slowly. If it's been a long enough time between visits (meaningful visits) and the child's relationship with her mother is significantly strained or estranged, you can ask the court to order "reunification" counseling between mother/child.  This process should take a while, if the mother has been out of the child's life for 5 years.  We're talking a very slow easing process, closely guarded by a counselor at the start, for the first couple of months, and then moving into a gradual lessening of "supervision" until she finally gets overnights.  A QUICK process would end at about the 6 month mark.  So I'd expect this to last quite a while, for the sake of your daughter.



As for the "jealous of her own daughter" thing... been there in about a hundred different ways.  

Do you have custody of the child, LEGALLY, right now?  You said she gave you custody, but did you both sign legal papers attesting to the fact that you are the custodial parent?

Does she have a visitation order?

How active has she been in the child's life?  It doesn't sound like she's been that active at all!

I would say the answer to her would be "what are you? High? NO you can't have custody!" gee wizz.

No, don't agree to custody unless it's in the best interests of your child.  I would say that she sounds very undependable, self-centered, and irresponsible, just from her past actions alone.  I would also say that if this woman had custody, with her past behaviors, I would fear for your visitation rights.  Meaning, I would fear she would not take them as seriously as they need to be taken, ESPECIALLY since this child has been residing with you, solely, for almost all of her life.  To send her to live with her mother would be... a HUGE life change for her.  I would NOT recommend it unless she's had frequent and intense "custody" time with her mother.

Again, I would say "NO" based on:

1.  Mother's parental abandonment

2.  Mother's lack of involvement in child's life over the past 5 years

3.  Mother's lack of financial assistance in child's welfare/well being

4.  Mother's unstable living arrangements (moving, etc...)

5.  Daughter's stable life with father has been such for the past 5 years

6.  Change of custody would be traumatic to daughter, at this age.

7.  Daughter has strained relationship with mother, having only seen mother "infrequently" in the past 5 years

8.  Mother has shown no desire, or ability, to provide for child as a custodial, or non-custodial parent, over the last 5 years


Just to name a few good examples of why "NO" should be the answer.

"significant change of circumstances". There's really no doubt in my mind your petition would be taken quite seriously, especially if the case workers do not want this child in foster care placement long, or an institution.  

There is NO reason a child should be in foster care, AT ALL, if there is another parent waiting to take custody.  This, right here, right now, what's going on with this child's life RIGHT NOW, is wrong.

I believe if it is brought to the attention of a judge, the judge will find IMMEDIATE wrong doing in this case.  The child should be with his father, unless he is in a juvenile detention center for the commitment of a crime.

You need to get your butts in gear and get a lawyer ASAP before even more damage is done. If you cannot afford a lawyer due to income level, seek legal aid.  If you do not apply, seek assistance from a law firm, asking them to help you by telling you what forms you need to file and how to write them out.  This will cost you, but not nearly as much as it would if the lawyer did it themselves, and you can have a paralegal assist you with these papers.

Actually, you may be able to hire a paralegal to fill out the papers for you.

It is crucial that you understand this to be a time-sensitive case.  As long as the mother is making decisions, and everyone is under the assumption that the father is in NO position ot making decisions, the child is at risk.

If the father is the joint parent along with the mother, the child should already be at home with the father.  The problem sounds like, she's the custodial mother, and if she wants the child in foster care, then this may be the snag you're dealing with.  Bring it to the attention of a judge "yesterday"... meaning, waste no time.

that's the bottom line.

He's probably ashamed of the names his stepfather has called him and he probably feels embarassed rather than ... empowered that this adult man is in the wrong.

He could nail this guy's balls to the wall, but he's too busy being defensive.

If he truly feels that this man is treating him BADLY, he'll talk.

My ss was 9 when it all came to a head.  He's 12 now.  He didn't talk, at all, for the longest time.  One counselor we took him to told us that he could see ss had a LOT of things bottled up and said he's an "angry child".  To us, he didn't look angry or anything so I asked the counselor "what makes you say that?" and he said, for starters "just the way he walks, and holds his body..." I had no idea you could tell that much from a person's walk.  He told us that ss had a LOT bottled up inside him and he was clamped up like a clam - he wasn't going to tell ANYONE and this counselor knew it.

When ss started living with us %50 of the time, he started feeling safer, like maybe we could make a difference for him, and then he started expressing himself.  But that was almost assuredly because he was living with us %50 of the time.  If it was just every other weekend, he'd still be living with his abusive mother and her abusive lover.

It's hard.  It's NOT easy.  It's NOT going to get any easier, but this kid needs to talk.  He needs to be assured that you are going to help him the best you can, and you're going to do anything and everything you can to make sure he's feeling safe and secure in his home and if that means MAJOR unforseen changes in the future, then it's a risk you're all willing to take for him, but unfortunately, he needs to be the one to head up his own crusade.  

If he keeps this inside too long, it could have a deeper impact on his sense of self, and self-esteem later on in his life.  Every year is important, but the older he gets and the more abuse he lives through - it's more significant the longer he has to deal with it.

And psychological abuse IS abuse, it's just more difficult to prove.  MUCH more difficult to prove.

The thing that got my ss an emergency protection from abuse order against his mother was his statement to me that he was afraid to go home and if he was forced to do so, he'd run away.  It was the dead of winter and he was threatening to try and run to our house, which was in another town.  He'd have never made it.

He also told his teacher that, the same day and she sent him to the school counselor and he told her his plan.

There were other issues of emotional abuse, physical abuse, name calling, berating statements, crude remarks by his mother and her lover - and also, other physical forms of abuse (like squirting dish soap in his mouth for being mouthy, or locking him in his room, with the lock on the OUTSIDE of the door, for hours...)

But that statement that he was willing to put himself into harm's way to escape that household was what got big attention.  

We were pressed to make a list of all the past incidents that we'd been made aware of, either personally, or by ss telling us - and his mother told us some things she'd done to him as well.  We made a huge list of about 21 events over the course of the past few years.  The court requires at LEAST 3 examples of why the restraining order should be signed by the judge.  We had 21 or so, and because I document EVERYTHING, we had them time stamped and dated.  

The judge signed it, no questions asked.

But my ss had had enough by that point too.  He was ready to release - to let loose.  Not angry so much as ... he wanted stuff to change and knew we'd help him.  He wasn't angry, and he WAS sad he was going to hurt his mother's feelings, but he told us he just couldn't do this any more, he didn't know what else to do.  We were all in counseling together for months and she just refused to stop doing the thigns she was doing to him, AND she was pressing him harder and harder to turn on US so he'd tell US "I want to go live wiht my mom full time now and just visit you on the weekends".  When he wouldn't do that for her, she really started treating him like an outsider in his own home.  It drove him farther and farther apart.  She was surely hoping he'd try and cling to her closer and with a tighter grip, but it just drove him farther and farther from her until he busted at the seams.

If your ss is keeping all that in :(  He's going to implode... or explode... dunno which, but none of it's good.

I also feel your sense of "The time is NOW!"  And every moment is the right time.  It would be convenient if he followed the timeline of the legal battle ;)  but he probably won't.  My ss didn't either, and to be honest with you, your ss's mother is probably HIGH on her guard right now for anything of the sort as far as that goes.  Your ss knows his mom, he lives there, he lives with her - if there's one thing we had to do with ss is give him credit that he lived in a war zone at times, and it was hard on us, but holy moly, it HAD to be rough on him.  When he'd had it up to his eyebrows he'd scream at his mother that he wanted to go live with us, and that just made her IRATE, even MORE so... not a good scene.

He'll talk when he's ready, but he has to know that every moment is the right moment.  The things that have happened to him he does not deserve.  Life doesnt have to be perfect, and, yes, kids should be reprimanded for doing inappropriate things, but name calling?  NOT OK!  Berating!?  NOT OK.  He is %100 RIGHT to feel uncomfortable around his stepfather, AND his mother because SHE should be protecting him from that sort of treatment!

What the heck is worse... this thing coming to a head and being over and done with very soon?  Or living with this for the rest of his childhood?

Based on what is stated in the deposition, you may be able to get the judge to take a look at this sooner rather than later.

Also, can your lawyer request a temporary physical placement with you folks, based on what is stated in the depositions?  It's all evidence, isnt it?  If he's telling the court he fears the return to his home, I don't think they will push the matter - forcing him back there, if he throws a fit and really, truly, doesn't want to return.

What's the mother and stepfather going to do?  Tell him he HAS to return, theyll be upset if he doesn't?  Pop goes the weasel as far as I can see, because they'd have proven his accusations right there.  

If both the MIL *AND* the child say similar things, he's golden.  

We spoke on behalf of my stepson, who was also removed from his mother's care due to abuse/neglect. But we prepared him ahead of time.  It was VERY stressful.  We were up front and completely honest and clean with him.  Told him it was going to he VERY bad if things didn't go the way we planned, but it would go MUCH easier if he was brutally honest.  (he already told the counselor a bunch of things, so he'd gotten things out into the open already before)  He was afraid his mother would cry, yes, but that's normal.  All of those fears and concerns for a parent are ok.  But the bottom line is, your ss's safety and well being are priority.  He has his whole life ahead of him and he needs to experience a normal family and normal household life again.  What he's dealing with isn't normal, at all.

It's also important, I think, for you to reinforce a baseline with him, and that's that if he comes to live with you because of something he said during the court proceedings, or something that was said to help him or to help him feel safer - that he is NOT to blame.  And, that you will always do all you can to make sure his relationship with his mother is as positive as you can help him stabilize/normalize.  

He might feel that he's betraying his mother, and that's all part of the abuse victim mentality.  He doesn't want to betray, he wants to please... he wants to please please please, and if he feels he might upset his mother and/or stepfather - and with no CLEAR statement that he's definitely going ot live with them - yikes, he's going to be VERY apprehensive.

It's basically got to be put to him... "This is do-or-die kiddo". :(  Sorry, but it is.  Abuse is not something parents take lightly, right? and for him to think it's something he should be shameful of is a crime against his childhood.

Now is the time to empower him.

How old is he?  My ss was 9 when he went through this, and to tell you the truth, he didn't have to talk to the judge... he was more than ready, but he didn't have to.  What we had for complaints, which got us temporary custody, and what the counselor said in her deposition, really sealed the deal. But we had ss's teacher and school counselor ready to testify as well, and ss was willing to say things on his own behalf.  

If the child is ready and willing to testify on his own behalf, that's most of your battle right there, and judge's usually don't like to put kids on the stand but I think during proceedings like this, they will.  APprehensively, but they will.

he's just not right in this case.  He can't just say "oh well, i'm changing his school now, because I have joint custody with you"

He moved.  He moved an HOUR away, and now he's going to just take your son and enroll him into a new school and stick you with the troubles of making HIS move easier????  

Get REAL!

Absolutely unacceptable.

He is doing this so that his son can stay with his GIRLFRIEND.  That is NOT ok.  Not unless you are completely agreeable to it.  He sounds insane and pretty self-centered, so I would just do what you're doing.  Get into mediation, make it clear that he moved, he loses.  Period.  He cant drag your mutual son just because he has shared physical/legal custody.  He had that parenting arrangement based on the fact he lived close by and could participate in your son's day to day life.  Now it's something totally different.  he's an hour away, he wants to move his son into a room with a stepsister... he wants his new girlfriend to care for your mutual son.. he wants to change the child's school...

and he wants to leave you to figure out what to do with where You fit in HIS unilateral decision making in all of this.

Completely unacceptable.

Don't let him think this is ok.  Stick to your guns.  You're certainly one of the more passive single mom's on these boards, that I've seen. lol ;)

The same thing would go for a mom who wanted to do the same thing... move an hour away into a home with her new boyfriend... and all that.

It's just not acceptable, and I believe California is really good with situations like this.  THe court will put it's foot down and tell your husband "You moved. YOU deal witih this, but the kid stays where he is"