Dealing with wife's boyfriend

[crayiii]

Through out our seperation, my wife's boyfriend has been a problem.  He has called me and threatened to kill me if I didn't allow him to adopt my son, he has told me he is the dad now, and it goes on and on and on.

Now my wife says that because she works until 10pm, I will be picking up and dropping off our son to her boyfriend.  

I really don't want to deal with him.  I told her that I would rather change the times and deal directly with her.

Am I wrong?

[CustodyIQ]

Yeah, I think you're wrong in how to approach it, regardless of the validity of how you feel.

Just carry a microcassette recorder with you, and if any trouble starts a-brewin', whip it out, announce "I'm recording", and record any conversation.

If he's threatening to kill you, or if he frustrates your access to your child, or if he assaults you; THEN you have grounds to do something.

But if he behaves himself, then no problem (other than ego issues, but we all have to learn how to deal with that).

In general, parents may assign responsible adults to do caretaking, transporting, etc., unless court orders prohibit such.

[crayiii]

I just think that she and I should deal with each other and not include unrelated third parties.

Heck, would it be okay for my girlfriend to meet her boyfriend to transfer our child?

[VaBeachStepmom]

Basically, yes.  I am a stepmom, and stepdad and I have met up to exchange our stepdaughter w/o bio mom or dad present.  As mentioned above, a "responsible" adult can, in most cases, be permitted to deliver/receive the child.  Unless you have a court order barring him from doing so, you may have to deal with him.  

I would do as previously advised.  Carry a recorder on you at all times.  Find out the recording laws in your state.  If it is a one party state, he does not even need to know everything's being recorded.  Or, take a police escort, or another third-party witness with you to each exchange.  Keep it professional, don't discuss any personal matters with the boyfriend.  Take the kid and his belongings, and say goodbye.  Or hand over the kids with his belongings and say goodbye (do your long goodbye before you get the the drop-off point, so it's not unnecessarily prolonged once there with the boyfriend.)  Good luck to you.  

[forthekids24]

Be the bigger person and kill him with kindness :)  Your son will see you behaving like an adult and he will realize the boyfriend and your ex are crazy.

Chances are he is reacting based on false information your ex is feeding him.  If anything feel sorry for him that he is now stuck with her (or just laugh because he is)!!!


FTK

[crayiii]

Well, now I'm going to sound like a jerk then...

I asked that for the time being that she and I deal directly with one another until things get calmed down.  

For example, Sunday, the boyfriend called me and told me that I needed to pay for a portion of the return airline ticket even though the court order says otherwise.  I told him that I couldn't afford it as I was already paying for 75% of the travel.  He lit into me on the phone and I told him that I wasn't going to deal with him and hung up.

He called and spoke with my girlfriend (a couple of months ago) and told her that I was using her and that I was going to do bad things to her, etc.

For almost 6-months he helped my wife hide our child from me.  For the past 3-months he has been writting declarations to the court that are full of lies about me (we have never even met).

The transfer that is coming up is only the second time I've seen my son in almost a year and the first "physical" transfer ever.  I just thought that it would be better if I didn't have to deal with the boyfriend.

I compromised and asked that she and I do the transfer in a public place on Sat. morning instead of he and I on Friday night.

[CustodyIQ]

You are correct that only you and she should be discussing the child.  You have no obligation to deal with her boyfriend in conversation.  You can simply tell him, "I'll discuss this with (the mother)."

But, the exchange is a different story.  You are there only to pick up or drop off your son.  No need to have any interaction with whomever is on the other side to likewise pick up or drop off.

Your initial question has been answered.

And on the new issue you mention of taking phone calls from boyfriend, from now on adopt a policy of, "Please have (mother's name) call me to discuss any matters about our son" and hang up.

[Kent]

Read your custody order. It will likely state that the mother can delegate transportation of the child to any adult who is in possession of a valid d/l, insurance, and a safe vehicle. Should you want to be confrontational, you have the right to verify these documents...

If there is no custody order, or if the custody order does not state anything about transportation or who to transfer the child to, you have a completely different situation;
As long as your ex is not married to the guy, has given him power of attorney, he is a non-exisiting party.
Transfers should then be to her, and to her only. If she can't make the agreed time, then she should agree with you on a different time.

Also, check if you are in a one-party state to see if you are allowed to record conversations. If so, start recording.

Also bring a hidden camcorder and a witness to every exchange. If he lays a finger on you, you press charges against him (you have proof on tape), and file a TRO.

Kent!

[wendl]

Read your order.

My dh's ex has let her boyfriend do exchanges of the children and before I married DH I also did exchanges if dh had to work, other times we have had to have my inlaws help us with exchanges do to work shifts.

It is always a good idea to bring someone with you if you cannot do as others stated, bring a cam corder or cassette recorder.

As for discussing $ issues ect with the boyfriend, I would simply state that this is a discussion for mom to call you with.  Don't tell the guy you are broke, they don't need to know that and it is none of their business, it will just give them satisfaction.

Hope the exchange goes well.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[kittencaboodle]

>In general, parents may assign responsible adults to do
>caretaking, transporting, etc., unless court orders prohibit
>such.

In general yes...  But does the OP have ROFR, Right of First Refusal.  Here in Indiana, it states that unless a family member is caring for the child, the other parent should be offered the time first.  

If the boyfriend is being such a jerkwad, I see no problem with instating your ROFR.  

What state are you from?  

[crayiii]

I'm in Oregon and they are in Washington.  The order is a temp parenting plan in Washington.  We are still married.

The temp parenting plan doesn't state anything about who does the physical transfers, it just states the following regarding the flights.

"The mother will purchase an airline ticket for the child to travel accompanied by airline personnel to and from Portland, Oregon"

The order than states that in addition to my scheduled time, I may request one additionaly weekend per month and the mother will allow it as long as I take care of 100% of the travel costs.

The "extra" weekends are the ones that will be physical transfer as I will travel to Washington and stay the weekend.

I also just found out the mom has started a new job and works from 2pm to 10pm.  I have no idea where our son is during that time...

[flewwellin]

If you are going to tape anything you need to let it be heard on the tape you telling him that you are taping cause then he can say he didn't know and find something to press charges against you with.

[VaBeachStepmom]

I belive Oregon is a one-party state.  If you are in Oregon and want to record a conversation at least one party to the conversation needs to be aware it's being recorded, and that one party can be you.  You don't need the other person's consent.

In Washington, however, I believe it is a two-party state.  You must announce to the other person they are being recorded, and that announcement must be on the recording.  

Hope this helps.

[Kent]

Video recordings are allowed without notification.

Audi recordings are allowed in many states as long as one party to the conversation (that would be you) is aware of the recording.

Do a search in the SPARC archives to find if your state is a one or two party state.

Kent!

[VaBeachStepmom]

Oregon

Or. Rev. Stat. §§ 165.535, 165.540: It is illegal to obtain or divulge a telecommunication or radio communication, unless one is a party or has obtained consent from at least one party to the conversation. It is illegal to obtain or divulge an oral communication unless all parties to the communication are informed that their conversation is being obtained. Certain enumerated exceptions apply. Violations are punishable by a maximum sentence of $5000 or one year in jail.

Washington

Wash. Rev. Code § 9.73.030: All parties generally must consent to the interception or recording of any private communication, whether conducted by telephone, telegraph, radio or face-to-face, to comply with state law. The all-party consent requirement can be satisfied if "one party has announced to all other parties engaged in the communication or conversation, in any reasonably effective manner, that such communication or conversation is about to be recorded or transmitted." In addition, if the conversation is to be recorded, the requisite announcement must be recorded as well.

 


 

[crayiii]

On telephone conversations that take place over state lines, wouldn't Federal rules take over?  If so, do the Fed's require one or two party notice?

Here's another example of this guy trying to "get at me".

I just called to talk to my son and got the answering machine.  The boyfriend changed the greating to identify my son with his (the boyfriend's) last name.

[MYSONSDAD]

>I just called to talk to my son and got the answering machine. The boyfriend changed the greating to identify my son with his (the boyfriend's) last name.<

Now that is worth something worth taping and keeping. I think if it is on an answering machine, it is implied consent.

Who the hell does this guy think he is? I think he did it on purpose to agravate the situation.

If you want to ask Soc, he his impression on the taping law regarding answering machines.

"Children learn what they live"

[flewwellin]

I didn't know it was state by state....interesting I will have to find out about north carolina

[VaBeachStepmom]

Looks like NC is a one-party state.  As long as you're aware the conversation is being recorded, then it's perfectly legal. =)

North Carolina

N.C. Gen. Stat. § 15A-287: It is a Class H felony to intercept or disclose the contents of a wire, oral or electronic communication without the consent of at least one party to the communication, The statute defines wire communications to exclude the radio portion of a cordless telephone call that is transmitted between a cordless telephone handset and base unit. N.C. Gen. Stat. § 15A-287.
 

[janM]

...my son's exgf...who does not have custody of either of her kids, including my GS, put on hers and hubby's machine..."You've reached the Smiths (them) and Joneses (GS/our last name)."
Sheesh.

[kittencaboodle]

The problem you'll run into will be the fact that you're long distance.  Generally ROFR is reserved for parents in the same area.  ANd then there's the problem of how old your son is.  During the school year, this will become less feasible.  However, I do believe you can request that you not be forced to drop off your son due to the hostile environment that her boyfriend creates.  It sounds like the BF will only make the transition from time with you to time with them more difficult.  

What is your scheduled time with him.  I know Indiana PArenting guidelines inside and out but they probably aren't the same.  LOL

:-)

[kittencaboodle]

This throws up a BIG red flag.  HAve you spoken with your lawyer about this?  

Really, if it were my husband, I'd suggest seeing what the lawyer could do about getting emergency custody of the child due to concerns of PAS.  It doesn't sound like she's willing to foster a good parent-child relationship with you.  

Don't let yourself get screwed.  

[crayiii]

Well, I don't have an attorney...

This is what the greeting says (names are made up):

"You've reached the Smith's, John, Jane, and Sam, please leave a message."

"John" in this case is the only "Smith" in the house.

[kittencaboodle]

You REALLY need to get one, all states seem to have pro-bono services, or even ask friends for help.  That's what my husband and I did.  Some friends of ours paid the lawyer's retainer of $500.  

She's going to make this as difficult as possible on you and her boyfriend is feeding into it.  It wouldn't surprise me if they've told your son horrible things about you in order to try and get your son to hate you and love them.  This happens, and unfortunately it happens often.  

[crayiii]

I sent a fax to her attorney today detailing the issues and suggesting that we go to the courts and ask for clarification on them.  I suggested, among other things, that every other day at 7pm I am allowed to speak to my son.

I didn't hear back from him but my son called at 7pm on the dot and after we talked he said "mom asked if she could please talk to you".

She got on the phone and was very nice and we set up transfer times between the two of us.  She also agreed to all the extra weekends that I requested.