Dealing with wife's boyfriend

[crayiii]

Through out our seperation, my wife's boyfriend has been a problem.  He has called me and threatened to kill me if I didn't allow him to adopt my son, he has told me he is the dad now, and it goes on and on and on.

Now my wife says that because she works until 10pm, I will be picking up and dropping off our son to her boyfriend.  

I really don't want to deal with him.  I told her that I would rather change the times and deal directly with her.

Am I wrong?

[CustodyIQ]

Yeah, I think you're wrong in how to approach it, regardless of the validity of how you feel.

Just carry a microcassette recorder with you, and if any trouble starts a-brewin', whip it out, announce "I'm recording", and record any conversation.

If he's threatening to kill you, or if he frustrates your access to your child, or if he assaults you; THEN you have grounds to do something.

But if he behaves himself, then no problem (other than ego issues, but we all have to learn how to deal with that).

In general, parents may assign responsible adults to do caretaking, transporting, etc., unless court orders prohibit such.

[crayiii]

I just think that she and I should deal with each other and not include unrelated third parties.

Heck, would it be okay for my girlfriend to meet her boyfriend to transfer our child?

[VaBeachStepmom]

Basically, yes.  I am a stepmom, and stepdad and I have met up to exchange our stepdaughter w/o bio mom or dad present.  As mentioned above, a "responsible" adult can, in most cases, be permitted to deliver/receive the child.  Unless you have a court order barring him from doing so, you may have to deal with him.  

I would do as previously advised.  Carry a recorder on you at all times.  Find out the recording laws in your state.  If it is a one party state, he does not even need to know everything's being recorded.  Or, take a police escort, or another third-party witness with you to each exchange.  Keep it professional, don't discuss any personal matters with the boyfriend.  Take the kid and his belongings, and say goodbye.  Or hand over the kids with his belongings and say goodbye (do your long goodbye before you get the the drop-off point, so it's not unnecessarily prolonged once there with the boyfriend.)  Good luck to you.  

[forthekids24]

Be the bigger person and kill him with kindness :)  Your son will see you behaving like an adult and he will realize the boyfriend and your ex are crazy.

Chances are he is reacting based on false information your ex is feeding him.  If anything feel sorry for him that he is now stuck with her (or just laugh because he is)!!!


FTK

[crayiii]

Well, now I'm going to sound like a jerk then...

I asked that for the time being that she and I deal directly with one another until things get calmed down.  

For example, Sunday, the boyfriend called me and told me that I needed to pay for a portion of the return airline ticket even though the court order says otherwise.  I told him that I couldn't afford it as I was already paying for 75% of the travel.  He lit into me on the phone and I told him that I wasn't going to deal with him and hung up.

He called and spoke with my girlfriend (a couple of months ago) and told her that I was using her and that I was going to do bad things to her, etc.

For almost 6-months he helped my wife hide our child from me.  For the past 3-months he has been writting declarations to the court that are full of lies about me (we have never even met).

The transfer that is coming up is only the second time I've seen my son in almost a year and the first "physical" transfer ever.  I just thought that it would be better if I didn't have to deal with the boyfriend.

I compromised and asked that she and I do the transfer in a public place on Sat. morning instead of he and I on Friday night.

[CustodyIQ]

You are correct that only you and she should be discussing the child.  You have no obligation to deal with her boyfriend in conversation.  You can simply tell him, "I'll discuss this with (the mother)."

But, the exchange is a different story.  You are there only to pick up or drop off your son.  No need to have any interaction with whomever is on the other side to likewise pick up or drop off.

Your initial question has been answered.

And on the new issue you mention of taking phone calls from boyfriend, from now on adopt a policy of, "Please have (mother's name) call me to discuss any matters about our son" and hang up.

[Kent]

Read your custody order. It will likely state that the mother can delegate transportation of the child to any adult who is in possession of a valid d/l, insurance, and a safe vehicle. Should you want to be confrontational, you have the right to verify these documents...

If there is no custody order, or if the custody order does not state anything about transportation or who to transfer the child to, you have a completely different situation;
As long as your ex is not married to the guy, has given him power of attorney, he is a non-exisiting party.
Transfers should then be to her, and to her only. If she can't make the agreed time, then she should agree with you on a different time.

Also, check if you are in a one-party state to see if you are allowed to record conversations. If so, start recording.

Also bring a hidden camcorder and a witness to every exchange. If he lays a finger on you, you press charges against him (you have proof on tape), and file a TRO.

Kent!

[wendl]

Read your order.

My dh's ex has let her boyfriend do exchanges of the children and before I married DH I also did exchanges if dh had to work, other times we have had to have my inlaws help us with exchanges do to work shifts.

It is always a good idea to bring someone with you if you cannot do as others stated, bring a cam corder or cassette recorder.

As for discussing $ issues ect with the boyfriend, I would simply state that this is a discussion for mom to call you with.  Don't tell the guy you are broke, they don't need to know that and it is none of their business, it will just give them satisfaction.

Hope the exchange goes well.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[kittencaboodle]

>In general, parents may assign responsible adults to do
>caretaking, transporting, etc., unless court orders prohibit
>such.

In general yes...  But does the OP have ROFR, Right of First Refusal.  Here in Indiana, it states that unless a family member is caring for the child, the other parent should be offered the time first.  

If the boyfriend is being such a jerkwad, I see no problem with instating your ROFR.  

What state are you from?