A question...

[sweetnsad]

My daughter, who is almost six, just recently started calling my SO Daddy...she started doing this all on her own, mainly because my nine month old calls him Daddy, and his other children call him Daddy.

Now, her father is still in the picture...he sees her maybe once every six weeks or so...She's made it clear to me that she knows the difference, that my SO is not her "real" daddy, but she wants to call him that anyway.

The s**t  hit the fan this weekend because my ex is angry that she does this...he says it's wrong and disrespectful, I'm guessing towards him..
But, she wanted to do it and does it on her own...No one pushed her to it or has discouraged her from it...My SO loves it and he loves her.

Any thoughts on how I should handle this?

[FatherTime]

I don't think there is anything wrong with it.  

My daughter has been taught to do that to several guys.  It bothered me initially, but it's really selfish of me to demand only that I should be called Daddy.  I don't want my daughter to stress anymore than she already does over the fact that her real mother and real father don't live together.  Why worry so much about a name.  

The real significance and difference between the two individuals and the meaning of the label is made up in the mind of the child.  Also, because all of the other children call him "Daddy" she may not want to be an outcast and may want to fit in more...  she wants to be a part of the family unit and not some form of outsider.  

I think that he should learn to accept it, but some men can't and don't see it that way.

[rini]

hello

this is a very difficult topic for many a family. I and totatlly disagree with the other poster.  

personally i think that you should explain to your 6 yr old that daddy is a very special word the same as mommy is and possibly find a nice pet name for SD that will be their special name.  

Whats in a name??????????   well some people as always place more stock or value in titles and names than others and some are more possessive of them.  

i had my five yr old when my other daughter was around the same age and experienced almost the exact same set of circumstances
 i did not allow it to continue although her father was also not quite as involved parent as i would have hoped for when i had the kids.


after all how do you think you would feel if a sm came along down the road and your daughter called her mommy.

now you might not have a problem with it but this childs father who still sees her and is involved somewhat in the childs life has a problem with it.  the experts suggest finding another pet name works better for all parties involved.  

do what is best for the child because dad is not going to stop making an issue of it and it is best made a non issue now to avoid further conflict involving the child the father and the stepfather.  no matter what you say or how you wrap it up inevitably you will end up being blamed for her calling him daddy and it WILL cause problems.

my husbands daughter calls her sd daddy and it hurts him terribly but he has never said a word.  (his problem because i would have had it put in the custody agreement)>>

God Bless

you will figure it out as you go along we all struggle and we all fall down its the getting back up again that counts.l

rini

[mbatde]

I can relate.  I have many step kids.   I also have 3 of my own (which me and my husband share).  His older kids have always called me mom because we have younger kids.  They did it out of respect for the younger kids.  They also have always called their step dad da-da because of younger siblings at that house too.

Initially,it bothered my husband ALOT to have his kids calling  another guy dad.

Recently, we had his 3rd child living with us.  She began calling me mom on her own (she is 10)  She did it partly out of respect for me, and partly because she hasnt ever known a real mom...and partly because she realized that her baby sister(my 2 yr old) was calling me AMY.

Seeing it from the other side made my husband realize that there was more to it.  He also didnt take as much offense because he HAD learned to be a better father.  

ALL of these kids know the difference.  They know who is who and why.  Maybe your daughter took the lead of the other kids, but it may be in fact that your SO is only dad figure that she sees on the 6 wks in between visits with her real dad.

I see these things from both sides, married to a NCP for so long, and now he's the CP of some!  

I am not in the position to advise ANYONE, because I have nothing going right for me right now with my own situations, but there are 2 things I want to say to try:

Explain it to your ex like you explained it here.  Not all of these guys are butt heads.  Their emotions get the best of them, and quite franlky most guys dont know how to express that.  He's probably angry because his little girl calling another guy daddy is blatant proof that he's not doing the right thing.  I dont blame him.  But I also dont think it is right.

I am guessing that you are also on both sides (having step children, children from a previous relationship, and a child with your SO). Maybe you could turn the situation around in your ex's head, and ask a what if, : supposing he remarried or has a long term relationship. Wouldnt he want his little girl to someday love HER enough to call her "mom" ??

If you explain why your daughter does it and that she "Knows" the difference (maybe again) and point out that its a common situation nowadays.  Maybe he will get it.  

Maybe, too as long (as there are no orders blocking him seeing her more frequently) he can become a better dad from it.  Even if you have to prompt him with the idea...that seeing her more and establishing a better relationship with her will benefit EVERYONE involved and he will be more confident in the reasons that she started calling her "step dad" daddy.  and he will not take it to be so offensive.

That was a wicked run on sentence, but hope some of it helps.


Another idea: my step daughter that grew up calling her grandparents mom and dad: She called her "real" mom "mommy-chrissy" to differentiate between the 2

My step son has always called my husband dad or daddy, but his step dad was "da-da" (even now, and  SS is 16!)

Hopefully somehow, your ex will realize that any way of dealing with it would be better than anger!  GOOD LUCK!

[FatherTime]

Maybe I am not so concerned about a name because I have dealt with other names throughout my ordeal.

I was called "the yucky guy"

"pretend daddy"

and now just "dad" or "daddy" depending on what my daughter wants from me.  

I am just happy with the time that I do have with my daughter and that to me is what is most important.

[Astro]

It comes down to ego and jealousy.  Plain and simple.  I know.  While I've not had my son (no custody) call another man Dad yet I know that it will bother me to no end when it happens.  My step-daughters call me Dad and it makes me proud.  I AM their dad.  I help, teach, discipline and love (not necessarily in that order :) ) them as my own.  And until their real dad died last year it was certainly an issue with him.  Tough.

And tough for me.  When that happens for my son I won't like it.  I absolutely live for his presence--for his love--for him.  For anyone else to take what little I have away is excruciating.  But real.  So long as he is good and teaches morals, values, and real life then I can only give my blessing.  If he does not hold these basics then he has me to deal with.  Plain and simple.  I am still a contender.  

It is an issue with my ex that my son calls my wife Mom.  To the extent that in his mother's presence he will call my wife by her name.  This hurts my wife deeply but I've not yet found the solution.  To appease everyone is too difficult for my faculties, yet I strive to keep things right.  A battle ongoing....

I like to think I have a modicum of intelligence--of compassion and empathy--to do what is right in the interest of my children.  The waves of emotion that engulf me when I actually think deeper than the surface of the simple "what if" sometimes means having to let go a little.  I am a fighter and stubborn for my mores.  But my paradigm is limited at times to the raw emotion of the love I have that is unconditional for him and I have to look at the many potential outcomes of this situation.  If it is good and enriches his life then it is a benefit--hard as it may be for me to swallow.  If it is detrimental to him then I will fight with all my being to eliminate it.

Now, this does not answer your questions, does it....  I obviously don't have a real answer--perhaps a suggestion.  It really does depend on the demeanor of your ex's thinking.  You probably know better than any--how does he take the information that you give him?  You may have to pick and choose the opportune moments to talk to him.  At this point I have to be brutally honest--you are dealing with egos here and this is not the stuff of fairy tales.  You call your SO an SO.  That means you are not married and he is simply (I know--not so simply) a live-in.  A father is not something that you can just replace--no matter how much your SO cares for your child.  Especially because of that.  

Your daughter wants to fit in--she wants to be a family.  She sees all of the other children in a family and so why wouldn't she want to be a part of it?  How awkward would it be for you (as a child) if all of your (potential?) siblings had a name for someone but it was taboo for you?  I've been there.  I still call my step-dad by his first name--even though he's been in my life for 25+ years.  I want to call him Dad but I'm ingrained.  Imagine what it is for a six year old.  

The feelings that your ex has are real--and not overly dramatic.  It is your job to make him realize somehow that he is NOT being replaced--and certainly not on a whim (I know--it's not a whim and established--you have to look at it from the other side).  In my opinion, you have to turn the proverbial tables and think about it in his position, e.g., YOU only see your daughter every six weeks,  HE has an SO that your daughter calls Mom--sure she knows the difference but she wants to call her Mom anyhow.  If you actually really think about it does it tear a piece away from you?  It does me.  

Perhaps from that perspective you may be better able to explain your understanding of his plight and help HIM understand that he's not being replaced.  He has to feel secure in the knowledge that his daughter is still HIS and that she will benefit from a new relationship.  While I have no idea of your legal standpoint and the arrangements in your court order and any logistics of visitation--offer him the opportunity to spend more time with her to help maintain the bond they must already have.  Explain that this bond is paramount to any other--and that an intelligent, working relationship will only help your daughter throughout her life....

[Forthelittleones]

SD used to call her step dad - "myhisname", however DH never had the title of Dad since Mom refused to tell her that the man that called her and sent her gifts was her father.  Then at age 3.5, DH got out of the military and started attempting to see her on a 1x a month basis.  Mom refused to tell this child that DH was her father.  Finally, after she was found in contempt and she was made to turn over the child for 1 weekend a month, summer and holiday visitation, THEN the child started calling her stepdad - Daddy and DH was "hisname" or that man, or a poppie head, or whatever the child could translate moms bad feelings into.   The child even yelled at us that she only had one Dad and it was her stepfather, that my DH was never married to her mommy and that if he was, it was a huge mistake -(hmm, did mommy realize that meant she was teaching her child that she was a mistake as well)  We had to show the child pictures of her parents wedding, pictures with her mommy, Dad and half brother so that she would try to make it make sense.

The GAL even abmonished Mom for not encouraging the child to call DH Dad.  Well, it took a couple of visitations with her half brother but she know calls DH - Dad and her stepdad is "daddy".  Although he does not like it, it is better for her mental health.  We do not call this man daddy, we refer to him as "ourhisname".  the child has demaned that we call him daddy - we explain to her that we have fathers and therefore will call him by his name.

Yes this is hard for DH, but look at the emotional damage that it could do to the child -0 You and Dad need to talk to the child and find out what her feelings are - Read the article on her about Two Dads.

Good luck!

[joni]

My husband has a nickname for me and my SD now calls me this now too.  She loves it that her daddy and her have this special name for me.  It's like their own club.

I'm sure your Ex is just anxious and insecure about the relationship your daughter has with your SO.  Hopefully one day your Ex will come to appreciate how kind and loving your SO is to your daughter and not be threatened by their relationship.

I know also that your daughter is also responding to your SO getting a kick out of her calling him "dad" and she may further be doing it to elicit this response from him.  

I can also understand where your Ex is coming from.  To be called a dad or a mom is a really special gift from a child and not one that many bio parents would want to share.  I'm not sure I would.

[sweetnsad]

and I can certainly understand where some people come from with their opinions on the subject...everyone has their own experiences and learn to deal with them differently.

My ex husband is adamant that our daughter not call my SO Daddy, but me and my fiance have spoken to her and asked her why she does this...she says it's because she loves him and he treats her like a Daddy should..."he loves me and kisses me and hugs me every day"...what's any sweeter than that?

My daughter is a very lucky little girl...there are alot of children out there that don't have any one to call Daddy, and that's a sad reality...my daughter has two that love her very much and she knows this.  The last thing I'm going to do now is discourage her from it...even she said to me last night, "Mommy, I can't call him "step-daddy", it sounds funny...I just want to call him Daddy"...

Obviously, my daughter is comfortable with this and the situation because when my ex returned her yesterday, she called my SO Daddy right in front of him, and also referred to her bio dad as Daddy as well...it doesn't seem to bother her at all, and no, I don't think she's doing it for a reaction from my SO...it just came naturally to her and she started doing it on her own.  My SO has made it seem as though she's always been doing it and hasn't responded any differently since she started doing it.

Thank you to everyone who responded...I just wanted some feedback into the situation.

[homewrecked]

Please don't take this as disrespect father time, but that is ludricous!!  You tell that little girl that this man's name is (fill in the blank)!  Your DADDY will be here to pick you up at (Fill in the blank)  How can you be surprised at the outrage of this little girls DADDY!!!!!!!!!   HE"S HER DADDY!!!!!

[sweetnsad]

He may be her Daddy, yes, but my SO is her step-daddy...the man that is here for her 24/7...not just when it's convenient or fits into his schedule...and she knows this, she isn't stupid.

She called him by his name for two and a half years...just recently started calling him Daddy...and it's made him so proud.  Her sister does it, so she started to do it.  I'm not going to discourage her from it...she knows in her mind that she has her "real" daddy and her step-daddy.  It would be different if she didn't know any better.

[rtwins]

I can understand how you feel but you should be careful with how far you let this go.
We were in the same situation. My husbands girls at age 5+6 started calling their step dad "daddy" We too, did not want to make a big deal over it but the next time they came over they were calling my husband "father".
We then questioned them and they said it was too confusing for them to have two dads so their mother told them to call BD "father".
I know my husband was hurt but we again went along with it.
A couple weeks later, they were call ing him by his first name. This is when we had to put a stop to it because we had other small children at home and we thought it to be disrespectful.
Grant it, alot of this was coming from their mother but it all started very innocently and we didn't want to rock the boat.
The girls are now 12+13 and to this day still call my husband by his first name. I hate it. It is just plain disrespectful and reflective of how much their mother has influenced them.

[sweetnsad]

Well, I can certainly understand your stance on this...I don't want my daughter calling her father anything other than Daddy or Dad...you are right, it is disrespectful...but, she knows one from the other...and my soon-to-be-husband and I have one child together and another on the way that call him Daddy, so it makes her feel special to share in that.  

I handle it the way it should be handled.  I don't instill any bad feelings in her for her father and she knows this.  She loves them both and considers herself lucky that she has two "daddies".

[homewrecked]

First I would like to apologize for my hot-headed response that I posted last night.  It was probably destructive to the cause and I was out of line.  Here is my thought on that terrible issue, hopefully a little more rational...

My two children are very young, (two years and 10 months) so I have no parenting experience with older children, but I can tell you, that neither one of them is allowed to have another daddy.  I am that person.  

I would completely understand if the father was a bum, or a dead-beat.  I have no sympathy, much less respect for those degenerates who call themselves men.  However, in my humble opinion, that title is reserved for the man who takes the responsibility to wear it.  And as long as he is worthy of bearing that title, no other person is.

I appreciate the fact that the new "daddy" is willing to step up to the challenge. But as long as your precious daughter's real daddy is willing and worthy to wear that badge, he deserves the honor.

[sweetnsad]

Trust me, her real father gets the honour of "Daddy", but there are times he doesn't deserve it...

Tell me, would you spend time with your babies only when it was convenient?  Would you put making money before your kids?  Would you not support your children so you could buy them great Xmas gifts and appear to be "father of the year"?  These are all things that my ex has done...he hasn't paid me CS since May of last year...and feels now that he should be relieved of that duty.  

He takes her for two days and after the first night has gone by, he calls and says she's lonely and wants to come home....he's done this numerous times, I can't count.  If he takes her to his father's place for the weekend, or his own dump he calls a home, either way, he's two hours away.  He tires of her easily.  I don't call that a great father.  He interferes in our life here and tries to tell me what to do.  I don't appreciate that.  My daughter has the best life possible here.  She is loved and appreciated.

I sympathize with your situation and I can tell you aren't that kind of man.  Don't ever put anything before your kids because they will feel it.  And wear that "Daddy" badge proudly...

[homewrecked]

I have only been on this ting since last night, and besides all the great advice and support, all these different points of view are very helpful in coming to some sense of sanity.

You're right, I'm not that kind of man, and if this little girls father is, I wish for no good thing to come to him...  ever.  There is no worse person on this earth than one who would use these innocent creatures as pawns in their deviant plots.

I wish you and your new family all the best now and in the future.  I am so happy to hear that your little girl is in a safe, loving home.

[sweetnsad]

Thank you so much...you sound like such a wonderful man and I feel so bad for the situation you are in...

My ex-husband was a very abusive man...he hospitalized me twice with concussions, broke my thumb, left me bruised and battered, beat me in the car while he was driving in front of my then two year old, etc...Do you know that my daughter is almost six now and STILL remembers EVERYTHING?  It breaks my heart and she is the most softest, sensitive, loving child you have ever met...and can you believe that I am forgiving enough to allow such a human being to still be her father?  I could never punish HER for his mistakes, but there are many women that do.

Take care homewrecked...you deserve much happiness and prayers.

[msme]

still have much to learn. You seem like a terrific father & dad & I don't doubt that you are. However life holds many twists & turns that most of us cannot forsee.

Right now, my son & his fiance are building a blended family of 8 children. It is very difficult, at best. My son's ex is the typical PBFH & has told the kids, (before she lost all visitation due to failure to comply with court ordered Anger Management classes) that they were not allowed to ever call anyone but her mommy, ever.

We recently also found out that she had charged the 11 year old daughter with the responsibility to break up any relationship that their daddy might enter into. She also told her that if they never got back together, it would be all her fault.

gr8Dad & gr8Mom, (their names on here) declared themselves the "Dad" & 'Mom" of the house. The children were given the opportunity to decide what they wanted to call them.

They were told that any man or woman who's bodies were working properly could be a Father or a Mother. Their father & mother are the only father & mother they could ever have. No one can change that or take that away from them.

They were also told that a Daddy or Mommy is a person who loves them very much, who takes care of them & is there for them everyday & some kids are lucky enough to have more than one of them.

The decision has been left to them & most have started to call them mom & dad but one has said that he won't be her daddy till after the up comming wedding & a couple of the older ones are still deciding.

I do not know how her ex feels, he lost his supervised visitation, which he got for beating her & the kids for defying all the rules at the supervising facility & hitting her when she dropped the kids off there.

I do know that it takes more than sperm & eggs to be a daddy or mommy.

Good luck & God bless.

You never get a second chance to make a first impression!

[Davy]

Oh please !  MOST and let me repeat MOST folks ..probably 80% - 90& of my acquainces call apples apples and oranges oranges.  Particularily the husbands married to women with children prefer not to be called 'Dad' by someone else children.  Personally, I would consider such to be disrespectful to my own children and disrespectful to my father when / should I ever be called upon to comply either directly or subtlely.

A long term significant one was nicked by my sons and her son appropriately used my name.  When my kids lived with their BM they started calling her by her given name ... I changed that around but completely understood the reasons.  My sisters (3) and I all call (we did not even have to discuss) mom's husband by his given name.  His ego was such he would have been delighted to be called 'Dad'.  After about 18 years one of my sisters had all the family movies choreagrafted together and mom's husband graciously said NOW I understand why our Dad he would be the ONLY ONE called "Dad"...he passed in 1971 at age 53.  Mom had a great respect for Dad but for many years she suggested/requested to her 4 children to send cards on "Father's Day" to her husband.  I think two of my sisters begrudgently complied just to keep "mom happy".  What puke !!

My very strong personal opinion of condoning a mother or anybody else to define or redefine a parent - child relationship is a degradation of fatherhood and heritage.  

Hope all is well with gr8dad !!!
 

 

[sweetnsad]

Give me a break Davy...for one, your post is very sketchy...it can't be read very well because it wasn't written very well....it doesn't make any sense, you are jumping all over the place.

Your Dad died, I got that much...and I'm sorry for that...and obviously you and your sisters couldn't have liked step dad very much if you didn't even want to send him Father's Day Cards....well that's completely different than the situation here...COMPLETELY different...my daughter LOVES her step-dad...to the point that she calls him Daddy.

And that was HER choice, not one that was inflicted on her.  She knows she has her "real" dad and her step dad...she isn't stupid...she considers herself lucky to have two daddies.  So do I.