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Author Topic: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!  (Read 9004 times)

eagleeyefam

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Long story as short as possible. BM/BD joint legal, joint physical with BM being primary physical. BM lives in Cali, BD lives in Idaho. Schedule is set for 1 week a month in Idaho with BD. Child is 2 1/2. Courts did not recognize his age as "tender" on the fact that a child needs both parents in life. 1 week a month is set until  mediation rolls around again and discussion of extending time is discussed. (hence court on Monday)
 
One catch to all of it. Dad pays 100% of travel. Mode of transportation will be agreed upon between the parents. If mode of transportation can not be agreed on, then an airline ticket must be purcahsed. Ahhhhh the loophole for BM. BM refuses to ever let BD pick up the child via car. It's flight and flight only. Flight to pick up, flight to return. And now that the child is over the age of 2 that's 3 round trip airline tickets a month. BM pays nothing. No big deal. Driving is a fraction of the cost.(travel clause is one major reason there is court monday)
 
One time BD was in Cali planning to return to Idaho with child for his scheduled week, which was agreed upon months prior. BM refused the time based on the fact BD was not flying back to Idaho with the child. Child is not allowed to ride in a car with dad according to BM
 
So this trip, BD flew to Cali, picked up son. Flew back to Idaho. Explained to BM since court is Monday and child is to be returned Saturday, then we will leave for Cali a day early in order to make sure child is returned to BM on Saturday.
 
BM FLIPS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Has now threatend to hold in contempt based on the fact the child was returned to her via car and not flight. HUH!!! The child is returned!!! Is there some mystical magical powers awarded to BM after a child gets off a plane? If so there are a bunch of moms missing out!
 
and the nightmare begins. BD will be held in contempt for returning the child at the court appointed time, just not by BM's instistant flight. hmmm. I don't get it.
 
BM can get away with denial of custodial time, be absolutely uncooperative with anything, lie in court, but BVD returns the child as ordered to and he's the bad guy? Explain this to me!!!
 
BD has 4 different contempt charges ready to file but has chosen not to. BD does not want to hinder BM's life in any way. BD is a fair man but gettign stomped on for being the nice guy. He is a great dad. For a year and a half now the child has been coming to Idaho to spend 1 week a month with dad. Each trip has been a fight with BM. And they justget worse with each month. They wer enever married, paternity established, even a judge has told her to be more agreeable. Until that order is changed for the travel she will fight. I just don't get it.
 
 


CuriousMom

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #1 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:16:36 PM »
I personally think car vs. air is incredibly trivial but sounds like she wants things her way or no way.  Hopefully it gets ironed out on Monday.

gemini3

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #2 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:18:07 PM »
Let her file for contempt.  I seriously doubt that she'll win.  It says "parties will agree on mode of transportation".  Not that BM gets to dictate mode of transportation.  He should bring documentation that he has requested to drive x amount of times and that BM as never agreed.

In the meantime, your husband (boyfriend?) should ask for modification.  The financial requirements to exercise visitation should not be so great as to make it impossible to do so.  Also, if it's required that he foot the bill for all transportation then he should also get to decide on the mode of transportation.  AND it says that parties must agree - not "BM gets to choose".

However, he does not "have" to buy 3 round trip tickets a month.  I only see a need for 2 - his and the child's.  Once the child reaches the age of 5 he will only need to purchase one for an unaccompanied minor.

tigger

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #3 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:31:10 PM »
However, he does not "have" to buy 3 round trip tickets a month.  I only see a need for 2 - his and the child's.  Once the child reaches the age of 5 he will only need to purchase one for an unaccompanied minor.

If I understand correctly here are the three round trip tickets
1 -- dad from Idaho to Cali to pick up and bring back child
1 -- child from cali to idaho and back again
1-- dad to take child from Idaho back to Cali and then he goes back to Idaho solo
The wonderful thing about tiggers is I'm the only one!

eagleeyefam

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #4 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:33:53 PM »
Tigger has it correct. 1 round trip for dad to get to cali and back, 1 round trip for child, 1 round trip to return child. Total of 3. If he was still a lap child it would only be 2


gemini3

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #5 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:36:02 PM »
duh.    sorry about that!

ocean

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #6 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:38:18 PM »
She cant file contempt until after something happens and you have court first thing on Monday so...she would have to have a lawyer do it or go herself after. The WORST thing that would happen is that your DH will be told not to do it again BUT you have the law on your side this time. I would OVERNIGHT a letter to her with signature that states according to the court order you can drive the child home, especially since you have to be in court on Monday. I would also state the dates and times that you already notified her of the change.

Suggestion, next time dont tell her so early...lol. But this should be addressed on Monday anyway...

eagleeyefam

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #7 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:40:47 PM »

She cant file contempt until after something happens and you have court first thing on Monday so...she would have to have a lawyer do it or go herself after. The WORST thing that would happen is that your DH will be told not to do it again BUT you have the law on your side this time. I would OVERNIGHT a letter to her with signature that states according to the court order you can drive the child home, especially since you have to be in court on Monday. I would also state the dates and times that you already notified her of the change.

Suggestion, next time dont tell her so early...lol. But this should be addressed on Monday anyway...

 
 
 
Wouldn't have told her but she has been demanding the return info since Saturday morning at 6:30am. She started the texting. Then the emails. ANd now it's a huge mess. Hopefully monday will change all of the travel clause.

CuriousMom

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #8 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:41:18 PM »
I interpreted it as if they couldn't agree on a mode of transportation, then air travel had to be done - fully at father's expense.

ocean

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #9 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:44:55 PM »
I agree with you but what is BM going to say in court? Well, I wanted him to fly her home instead of drive even if we had court and he had to stay in hometown?  I think it was supposed to protect the father because then it would be put on him to get flights and not BM to play games....

eagleeyefam

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #10 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:46:47 PM »

I interpreted it as if they couldn't agree on a mode of transportation, then air travel had to be done - fully at father's expense.
[/quot]
 
 
 
This is exactly what it is. If they can't agree then father must pay 100% of the flights. BM will nto agree to anythign other than flights.

CuriousMom

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #11 on: Oct 22, 2009, 01:58:06 PM »
eagle -
 
MixedBag just went thru something regarding travel expenses within the past 2 weeks.  Send her a PM, she may have some valuable information for you prior to Monday.

MixedBag

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #12 on: Oct 22, 2009, 02:13:24 PM »
Yes -- I do.
 
Eagle -- let her file for contempt.
 
That saves dad as being the bad guy for filing, and I bet the end result will be that DAD gets to choose mode of transportation since DAD has to pay for it.
 
See -- in the beginning....IMHO -- and even later down the road, courts want the two parents to work things out.  And sometimes we parents are left scratching our heads wondering HOW we're gonna make that happen.  Other parents can make it work, no big deal.
 
I remember you posting about this whole situation a while ago.
 
NOW -- let me ask this -- does or did dad ever get into a terrible accident, have any DUI's, has a valid license, you get the drift -- is physcially impaired where driving COULD pose a safety issue and flying is safer????
 
I bet the answer is nope.
 
Let her know that you two are driving back.  Chances are also that she's more upset that YOU/SM are coming with him to go to court on Monday as opposed to the actual drive back and that she didn't AGREE to it.

eagleeyefam

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #13 on: Oct 22, 2009, 02:18:42 PM »
Mixedbag I was just searching the forums for some of your posts LOL. I figured you'd surface here shortly!
 
I just read your response outloud. A calm has found it's way into the house for the time being.
 
Child is up from his nap and BD and I will not ever speak of the court issues in front of him or when he might possible overhear anything. He's too young right now to understand any of it, but it's a good time to practice this rule so it becomes habit throughout life.
 
I guess we wait and see what happens Monday in court. She will bring it up I'm sure, but then dad can say BM has 3 counts of contempt fro denial of visits.
 
Will let everybody know how it goes.

eagleeyefam

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #14 on: Oct 22, 2009, 02:20:17 PM »
Oh and No DUI's No traffic violations in the last 2 years, valid license, not a drinker,
 
I'm still searching to see if the retreiving parent gets magical powers just becasue the child was on a plane. LOL

Kitty C.

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #15 on: Oct 22, 2009, 03:30:26 PM »
Looks like I'm jumping into this late in the game, but I do have some overall suggestions on how to deal with this PBFH........
 
 
LET HER FILE CONTEMPT!!!!!!!!!!!
 
She's got you feeding right out of her hand, because she knows the buttons to push with you and BD that will majorly stress you out.  Take some time to really read into how she 'operates' and once you understand that, you can take a LOT of wind out of her sails.  I know this can be an emotional issue, but you have to look at it analytically.  In your first post, I thought you were going to jump right out of the post!  But the next time she pulls crap like that, think about it........are you doing anything illegal or blatantly against the CO just to be spiteful?  Or is what your doing totally legal or skirting the edge of the CO because of logistics, finances, etc.? 
 
If you answer yes to the second question, then let her yell and scream all she wants to.  She does it because she's a bully, pure and simple, and she knows she can get away with it because you let her.  When you stand your ground with a bully, things will no doubt get worse for a while.  Heck, just the court date on Monday will set her off, I bet.....doesn't make any difference what it's for, even if SHE filed the petition.  She acts that way to push your buttons and stress you out, so that you will toe HER line.
 
But when you keep standing your ground, she will eventually realize that she doesn't have the control over you she once thought she had.  And no matter how long she keeps trying, because she will keep trying (especially when you least expect it), don't feed into and be firm.
 
Imagine this:  in the court appearance on Monday, she no doubt will pitch a fit about filing contempt for your BD driving back instead of flying.  My guess is that the judge's response will be total incredulous or tell her in a roundabout way that she's full of it.
 
I just went through this with another poster.  If you know in your heart that you have done nothing SO wrong as to warrant a contempt, then stand firm, blow her off and let her warm up the air someplace else.
 
I know I go on and on about this, but I HATE bullies.........I've dealt with them for 40+ years in some degree or another, and I'm under 50.  I felt like an archery target.  But when I learned to cut through the bull and stand my ground, I got armor plating....the crap just bounces off now.  And you know what really makes me smile?  Knowing they are that much more PO'd because they couldn't get through!  I leave them talking to themselves..... 
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

Kitty C.

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #16 on: Oct 22, 2009, 03:42:00 PM »
Got another idea on transportation..........
 
If she still won't budge on mode, offer this to the judge:  50/50.  BD flies down to get child, both fly back, then BD drives child back and then home.  The child flies out and rides back.  The judge canNOT fault your BD for bending so far to compromise.  BUT........don't offer it at the get-go.  First, the judge needs to know what has transpired so far and how uncompromising BM has been.  Because it's possible that he may tell her to go pee up a rope and either SHE pays all the airfare or BD drives it all.  I'm leaning towards peeing up a rope, myself........
 
Also, go to your nearest law enforcement agency and ask for a print-out of your record.  it's possible that they may charge you for it, but they may also just give it to you if you tell them what it's for.  Make sure the judge gets it.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

eagleeyefam

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #17 on: Oct 22, 2009, 06:53:59 PM »
Thank you everybody. It;s been a long battle with this BM. Things are much less tense around here now. Dinner and a family game made it all better. Monday will be interesting for sure.

sillystring

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #18 on: Oct 23, 2009, 12:21:20 PM »
I don't see any judge convicting the dad of contempt for this...  this is just absolutely ridiculous and will only make the mom look bad.
 
I agree with pp, let her file contempt and then request that Dad have final say in transportation if him and Mom cannot agree since he has to pay for it.
 
How far is the drive? Please update us on Monday, I really want to know what happens.

MixedBag

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #19 on: Oct 24, 2009, 07:04:20 AM »
drive -- I think she said 6-8 hours in another thread.  Kinda like over the mountains, across the flats, and then back over some mountains.

eagleeyefam

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #20 on: Oct 25, 2009, 09:46:08 AM »
The child has been returned via driving. Oh and guess what!!! He survived!!!! LOL We had a blast driving with him. The car we took had a DVD player with head phones. He kicked back and watched a movie, dad read him a few books, played games, he napped, we even stopped every town along the way and got him out. He ate like normal. There were no issues what so ever. Made sure to count all toes and fingers, yep all were there!
 
The trip took a bit longer because of the stopping. But it was fun!!!!!
 

MrCustodyCoach

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Re: BM threatening contempt for returning the child as ordered!
« Reply #21 on: Oct 27, 2009, 10:20:11 AM »
If she files for contempt, you need to attempt to argue that the method of travel for the child should not be imposed as "flights" unless pick-up/drop-off times are missed or the child is put in an imminently dangerous situation.

And never, ever let such open-ended clauses find their way into the orders.
Mr. Custody Coach - Win Child Custody "Better Prepared, Better Outcome"

*The opinions in this post are solely my own and do not represent the only way to address any particular issue.

 

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