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Author Topic: Looking for advise  (Read 6916 times)

mistyme

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Looking for advise
« on: Feb 21, 2011, 07:47:51 PM »
 
I am going to have our baby next month, I have absolutely no intentions of keeping the baby out of his life completely, but because of the mental abuse, physical abuse he put me through and the manipulation he continues to throw on me, it will take a while to trust him until the child can speak for himself when he comes home from seeing his dad.  Right now, all i care for is "supervised".  I absolutly can not 100% afford a lawyer so I will let the state child support take care of what they can.

Right now, I feel so smothered by him and I'm worried about what things will be like after the baby is born because he refuses to respect me.  He says that he's going to come and see the baby whenever he pleases at my house and can stay as long as he wants and if i ask him to leave he will just call the police.  I don't mind him "visiting" a few times a week, a few hours or what not a day, but if I would like him to leave, he needs to leave.  He can't understand that we aren't a family anymore.  He ruined all that.  I went into early labor last week and didn't tell him.  He yelled at me because i didn't tell him.  I told him that i will contact him when the baby arives and he can visit for a few hours in the hospital.  Again, he yells at me because he thinks I'm trying to keep him away from his son because I don't want him in the room when I give birth.  I'm sorry but again, that is a private moment to ME, it's my body I am giving birth not him.  He also says that if I don't move back in with him than he won't help out with the baby (aka give me things for the baby, he just keeps it all at his house and also threatens to take the baby too under NO grounds does he have that I am a bad unfit mother.) ... He has a son already of his own that he gets standard visitation and he just lets his son come over, sit in front of the TV, eat junk food.  His son never brushes his teeth the whole weekend, he won't change his sons clothes because he feels his mom should provide all the clothing and he goes home in the same clothes.  His son goes back and forth saying his dad hits him to his mom, but than he tells his dad that his mom hits him.  His son is 6 and weighs 105lbs, no one takes care of him.  Anyways this is just a SMALL explanation of why I do not TRUST him with my son on the way and why i want supervised visitation ...

It's just all of this and that and the fact he's manipulating me.  I'm so affraid he will get a lawyer and win 50/50 because he knows I can not afford it at all.  He won't help out with the baby, he yells at me because I won't let him be in the room when i give birth, he demands that he's going to be at my house all the time and i have no say so and he can come and go when he wants.  And because I won't move back in, he puts me down. If i tell him no to ANYTHING he thinks im trying to keep the baby away from him which I am not! if i wanted to, i would of taken off by now!

I never called the police for the physical abuse, but I do have 2 pictures i took where he hit me one night. would that be of any help?

(also this is an off side note, but i heard he was reported to the IRS for tax fraud. He claims 2 kids from mexico that aren't his and he doesn't know them ... he uses the money to his benefit and gives the family $500.  Reason why I am asking is because I heard the penalties for this can be harsh ... would that in anyway affect his "rights" as a father.  Just so if it happens, I guess i can be more educated about it?)


ocean

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Re: Looking for advise
« Reply #1 on: Feb 21, 2011, 08:23:57 PM »
Were you ever married to him? It does not sound like it so...

1. Change the locks on the door.
2. Use text/email for communication, let him rant on voicemail
3. You do not have to tell him when you are in delivery. It would be nice to allow him to see child in nursery BUT have the staff watch and say he is NOT to get a bracelet to allow him to walk around with baby or take baby from hospital. Maybe have him come at "parent" time so no one else is there for an hour and have the staff tell him that he needs to leave after an hour.
4. Police will tell him to leave your house and you can then ask for a restraining order. The first few weeks will be tough since you do not trust him and baby should not be out in public places. So offer him in writing specific days and times. Then go in bathroom with baby to give bath and tell him he needs to leave. Have someone else there to help him out.
5. After the 6 week mark, meet him at public places for him to see baby. Are his parents around? Maybe go over there?
6. File for child support and visitation plan BUT he probably will get unsupervised. You can ask that you both take a parenting class and infant cpr class. Look up your state and see what is recommended for infant visitation, every state is different,

Take care of yourself and worry about baby. A judge will not give him 50/50 right off and he will have to file and have a trial first which takes months to do.

mistyme

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Re: Looking for advise
« Reply #2 on: Feb 23, 2011, 01:37:09 PM »
Thank you :) all that really does help, I just wish I could have a peice of mind ... i'm worrying myself over stupid little things.  I hate being manipulated and in fear that he's going to try and take our son away.

Is it possible for him to get a lawyer and have one hired already even though he has no proof for that said lawyer that he's the father, ect.  I don't plan on putting him on the b/c till i get documentation that I am the custodial parent, being that he's threatened to take the baby and run off. Does the baby need to be born for him to get a lawyer?

ocean

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Re: Looking for advise
« Reply #3 on: Feb 23, 2011, 02:19:26 PM »
He can talk to some lawyers and have one ready but they can not file anything until the baby is born. He may have a lawyer call you to negotiate a deal for him to see baby in hospital and the first few weeks before a court date BUT you do not have to sign or do anything. Since you are not listing him as the father, he will first have to file paternity papers. Once the baby is confirmed his, then he can file for visitation. Same for you for child support. If you do not list him as father and have him sign the form in the hospital then you will have to have paternity in order to get child support. So that may slow things down.

Only you know him, but I can tell you that the laws are on the mothers side. As soon as the baby is born you are considered the ONLY legal parent until paternity is established through the courts. So you already have custody. Once it goes to court it will be up to the court to decide if you keep all custody or if it goes to Joint legal custody. Judges are just starting to give the 50/50 placement BUT ONLY when both parents can work together, both parents usually live near each other for school issues, and both parents push for it. He will not get 50/50 of a newborn and like I said before, it will take at least a month or so to get into court for paternity, then test ordered, then back into court (may get temporary parenting plan while you await trial), then if you dont agree, a trial...

In the meantime, get evidence for him to have supervised or maybe even ask him now to take a parenting class and cpr class before the baby is born. Is his ex (the other mother) involved? Save all texts/emails/voicemails (put voicemails to tape before you loose them).

Will he consider mediation? If you are really afraid and think a home-study and full evaluation would show the courts his true colors, then ask for that at trial. Sometimes the courts make you pay for it, if you ask for it but at least it gets done.

gemini3

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Re: Looking for advise
« Reply #4 on: Feb 23, 2011, 07:20:02 PM »
The baby has to be born before he can do anything in court.
 
Have you considered going and getting a restraining order?  If he is threatening you, threatening to take the baby, etc, you really might want to consider that.  If you have phone messages that he's left you, or e-mails that he's sent you, that are threatening - go to the courthouse and get a restraining order. 


mistyme

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Re: Looking for advise
« Reply #5 on: Mar 01, 2011, 12:11:29 PM »
I didn't know if i should post a new topic on this but I have been concerned ...


Yes I plan to give the father visitation and I know this may sound selfish, but I do not want him visiting in the comfort of my own home.  I live with my mom and step dad ever since I moved out.  He expects me to let him in the door whenever he wants.  I don't want to be alone with him in the house, i'm too scared he's going to try and have sex with me or something.  I know him and I know how he is.  I would rather him have visitation time away from my house... but how do I do that without him "assuming" i am keeping him away from the baby?  Another reason why I don't want him in my house is because he is always asking me how my daughter is doing, buying her things and telling me how much he misses her and that he would love to have her spend time with him when the baby is born.  I'm sorry but that bothers me.  I ask him to please stop, he knows she doesn't like him and it makes me feel uncomfortable.  He has this thing about taking on kids and wanting kids to like him .... I don't know what to make of that ... but I don't want my daughter around him because she does not care for him and it's NOT my doing.  She's almost 5 and has a strange view point of him.  She has nothing nice to say about him.  All she tells people is he was mean to her mommy, he hit her mommy and he yells at her mommy so she does not like him. (please don't assume I encouraged this.  When we all lived together, she heard it all.  She knows he hit me because a couple nights before she saw the bruise on my arm and I told her he did, i wasn't going to lie.  That's when I left.) 

I don't know what to do, I don't want him to visit over at my house and since I mentioned I am going to be breast feeding, the baby is not going to be a lone or stay the night with him for a while, also because of his threats to take the baby.  Once child support court orders visitation and I have it documented that I am the CP, than he can take the baby a lone.  I'm just scared in the mean time.  I don't want him thinking im trying to keep the baby away ... im trying to make this peaceful.

What can I do though as far as him leaving my daughter alone? He doesn't seem to want to listen that he is not apart of her life anymore.  (and no he is not the father in case your wondering.)  And what the heck can i do to avoid being a lone with him, i'm seriously scared but how do i get anyone to listen?

ocean

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Re: Looking for advise
« Reply #6 on: Mar 01, 2011, 04:10:57 PM »
What can you do?
Ignore, Ignore, Ignore...

Stop taking phone calls and answering texts...again Ignore.

Like we said before, he has to take you to court so that is going to take some time, a few months. The judge will tell you to pump breast milk if that is what you are doing and baby can be fed with dad so do not count on that too much. If you do not need child support right away, have him file for paternity. Then you counter with child support and sole custody. The baby will be a few months old and no need for him to come to the house. Meet at a public place for exchanges or supervised visits. If you want, meet him at a mutual friend or his family house before court so he can meet baby.

Start going to see a counselor for you and have your daughter go too. When/If visits start to happen have your older child not be there, then he can not even see her. IF he tries to see her at school or any other way, file a restraining order.

You may want to see a lawyer now or a domestic violence worker and see what your options are...and what you need to prove.

txmom702

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Re: Looking for advise
« Reply #7 on: Mar 02, 2011, 09:25:11 AM »
You've gotten some really good advice here.
To add to that, though, during that time, before you have a court order for visitation, Stay The Heck Away From Him.  Do not contact him at all, ignore anything he does to try to contact you.  Don't worry that you are keeping the baby away from him - he's obviously given you reason to fear letting him visit without a court order.  Keep good records & try to get as much proof as you can that you have reason to fear him...

Kitty C.

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Re: Looking for advise
« Reply #8 on: Mar 05, 2011, 06:07:47 PM »
'Yes I plan to give the father visitation and I know this may sound selfish, but I do not want him visiting in the comfort of my own home.  I live with my mom and step dad ever since I moved out.  He expects me to let him in the door whenever he wants.  I don't want to be alone with him in the house, i'm too scared he's going to try and have sex with me or something.  I know him and I know how he is.  I would rather him have visitation time away from my house... but how do I do that without him "assuming" i am keeping him away from the baby?  Another reason why I don't want him in my house is because he is always asking me how my daughter is doing, buying her things and telling me how much he misses her and that he would love to have her spend time with him when the baby is born.'
 
This is an easy one...........because it's NOT 'your' house..........it's your mom and step-dad's, right?  So THEY have the say-so on who enters their home or not and he would have to get THEIR permission in order to enter.  It's not your decision to make.  But I agree with the others.....until you have a CO, it's all a moot point.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

mistyme

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Re: Looking for advise
« Reply #9 on: Mar 05, 2011, 09:16:49 PM »
I'm ignorning him and I am not provoking him at all ... he randomly texts me because I don't talk to him all the time telling me i better get a lawyer, ect.  Which is fine i mean, i knew he was going to act this way.  My thing is, how do I afford a lawyer? LOL I've checked around and most want just a 3500 retainer! I can't afford that! I'm a single mom, I'm on bed rest, I don't have a job right now.

So assuming he gets a lawyer, i take the advice that was given as to, if he's not on the b/c he has to petition the court for DNA.  which now he wants to sit here and say he doubts now that he's the father. I can't believe he's saying this stuff.  Oh well.  Any help would be nice on where I can afford to get a lawyer.  I don't plan on taking his rights away just stating my case and keeping him from taking the baby.

What can he get? if he takes me to court for 50/50, can he get it? Anyone have experience in this??? most importantly can he take me to court BEFORE the baby is born? im 36wks, due on 4/1.

THanks!

 

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