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Author Topic: When you just can't get along  (Read 4874 times)

allforher

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When you just can't get along
« on: Apr 06, 2011, 12:19:50 PM »
Any body have any ideas/advice on how to get along with my daughters fathers?  I read books, go to my own therapist, heck, we even tried coparenting therapy that failed miserably.  Every time I turn around there is a new conflict and if there isn't a current conflict he will bring up old ones.  I made the decision to not engage when past things are brought up but it really gets under my skin when his memory of a conflict is distorted or just completely wrong. 
 
We communicate through email so I have proof of lots of things, I have even forwarded him things he has said but he tried to even twist those words around to place on the blame on me. 
 
I really just to get along with this guy.  We moved back to his home state after being gone for 7 years, I cancelled CS and now we are doing week on week visitation, he is involved in everything he chooses to be involved in.  School, sports, friends, everything.  I just don't know what else to do to make him feel satisfied, I don't even know that he can feel satisfied.  He's bipolar and it is making things so difficult!  I keep trying because my daughter loves him and loves spending time with him,I really wish it would come to a point that there wasn't such an "air" of stress when we have to come together on things, or be in the same room together.  He is just so angry with me and I don't even know why.  Help!
 
 


ocean

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Re: When you just can't get along
« Reply #1 on: Apr 06, 2011, 01:25:07 PM »
Do not try to reason with him because it will not work. Answer his emails for the questions he has as SIMPLE as you can. Do not engage in the rest of the email.
Ex
Yes, soccer practice is at 4pm this week

That is it! Ignore all other junk and LAUGH it off ...we have years and years of PB emails.

Do not engage in phone calls at all, let it go to voicemail. Change all other numbers so he just has one. Then text him back an answer if he is looking for one.

Basically...ignore, ignore, ignore.

MixedBag

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Re: When you just can't get along
« Reply #2 on: Apr 06, 2011, 03:48:05 PM »
the book "Joint Custody with a Jerk" was a good read for me.
 
and articles that talk about "high conflict" parenting -- which is like what was described, where less is actually more.
 
trying to think of the site that gets mentioned every once in a while where a dad is in your shoes, and the mom is the one at it.  Maybe someone else will remember.

bloom6372

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Re: When you just can't get along
« Reply #3 on: Apr 07, 2011, 07:09:33 AM »

the book "Joint Custody with a Jerk" was a good read for me.

and articles that talk about "high conflict" parenting -- which is like what was described, where less is actually more.

trying to think of the site that gets mentioned every once in a while where a dad is in your shoes, and the mom is the one at it.  Maybe someone else will remember.

 
Is it The Psycho Ex-Wife website?

allforher

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Re: When you just can't get along
« Reply #4 on: Apr 08, 2011, 07:38:19 AM »
I was wondering if a CO can be detailed enough to prevent harrassing emails such as the ones I get?  I am getting better at ignoring however it does cause me great anxiety to the point I have had to go to my dr. with a panic attack, which she offered me medication for.......


ocean

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Re: When you just can't get along
« Reply #5 on: Apr 08, 2011, 10:37:42 AM »
Well...you need to decide how you can handle communication...you need one way and usually email is the best choice. It is written, so you have evidence if needed and you do not have to speak, argue.

You can not change him. I think you need a new therapist, one that will help you deal with it and look at it with humor...ex is nuts...move on and answer only when needed. Make certain days that you open emails from him to limit the daily crap until you can handle it better. We made an email just for our PB so we knew when we opened it, stuff would be from her. Switch everyone to another email ...

Do not let the emails get to you. It takes a lot of practice and for us YEARS....and she can still get under our skin every so often. Laugh it off as to what craziness is coming next?? Then answer if needed a one sentence reply. When child is with, you make decisions. Keep him informed of BIG events but other than that he can make contact with schools, coaches...etc..himself.

allforher

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Re: When you just can't get along
« Reply #6 on: Apr 08, 2011, 10:42:55 AM »
I am sure this will take some time and I like your idea of a separate email just for his stuff.

allforher

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Re: When you just can't get along
« Reply #7 on: Apr 10, 2011, 07:06:04 AM »
ok, so I failed miserably at ignoring...uggggg.....must find a new way of communitcation, this email stuff is too easy to respond too, maybe phone would be better, that way I know with my family around I can keep my cool.

Kitty C.

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Re: When you just can't get along
« Reply #8 on: Apr 10, 2011, 11:08:04 AM »
If your relationship with him is that volatile, I strongly do NOT recommend using the phone for communication!  It is way too easy to get caught in the moment and say things you regret later.  If he is that manipulative, the phone is his playground and you are his toy.  You will be playing right into his hand if you do.  Your family will not always be around you and, unless you actually hand the phone to someone else for him to talk to, it won't make any difference...he will still try to back you in a corner and get you to say things you don't want to say.  DO NOT give him the satisfaction!
 
In e-mails, you have the time and privacy to think through a response and keep it neutral.  Pick the e-mails from him apart, pick out ONLY what is relevant to your child and discard the rest, respond to ONLY what is relevant to your child.  It is the ONLY way you will be able to maintain some kind of control over the situation.  It is YOUR choice in how you respond to him and e-mail is the ONLY medium available that will give you the time and privacy to do so neutrally.
Handle every stressful situation like a dog........if you can't play with it or eat it, pee on it and walk away.......

ocean

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Re: When you just can't get along
« Reply #9 on: Apr 10, 2011, 11:20:48 AM »
Use a communication book? Goes back and forth with child. Put sports and school events, ask to change days. Make copies if he starts writing crazy stuff in there. Send him an email, I am blocking you from future emails due to your constant harassment. I will send a communication book with XX. If you need to tell me something about school/events do so in book. I will do the same.  Then BLOCK him.

or

Get a grip and make a new rule in your head. NO replies for 24 hours. Write out your reply in WORD, save it. Read it again the next day and see if you still want to send it after you calmed down. You seemed to realize what you did, so give it a few hours and see if you even need to respond.

or

Many people post things right here. For the next few, copy and paste it here (take out names). Then we will help you with a response. He WANTS to get to you. By your responding harshly is making him happy...he wants you miserable. Let us help you.

 

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