Lost parental rights, looking for advice

[Missyougirl]

My dh recently lost his parental rights to one of his children due to abandonment. His mother came to us with the news of it and we were floored to say the least. I have a few questions about our situation and was weondering if anyone could help. The termination occured sometime in March, we were between attorneys at the time.

1. Can we appeal the termination? Dh swears he had no idea that
    we were supposed to apper in court.

2. If not, will he have to pay any support to the child? He was about
    two years in arrears the last I knew.  Does he still owe these? He was
    under the impression that he doesn't.

3. Can his mother sue the childs mother for visitation? She is very upset
    at my dh and still wants to see the child. She contacted bm and
    the b*tch won't return her calls.

4. One of his other children's mothers lets her child goto the lost child's
    home,  can we prevent this? They are no longer siblings if he's not
    the daddy anymore, right?

Thank you and I don't mean to sound negative, I never got to meet this child very much, and I don't feel that it's right that he get blamed for all this.

[hisliltulip]

First, I have a couple of questions...

How long has it been since your DH contacted the child?  Most states if there is no contact or child support for a year, then he's pretty much outta luck.

How does your MIL know before he knows?


Now, to answer one of yours.

"4. One of his other children's mothers lets her child goto the lost child's
home, can we prevent this? They are no longer siblings if he's not
the daddy anymore, right?"

Just because your Husband lost rights, does not mean that the children did.  Why would you even want to do that to them?

[Missyougirl]

He tried to contact her July of last year and also a few times after that. They never returned his calls. We were told that for one year of no contact and no support is what did it. He still hired a lawyer, though. He said he fired him before court because the lawyer wanted a paternity test done and it didn't make sense to him.

Apparently, my mil contacted the mother about a month ago to see if she could see the child and ask why she not drop the whole thing. The mother then told her that his rights had already been terminated and that it happened in March. I don't understand how because he said he got another contrinuance and he was waiting for news as to when we went to court. I feel that, if he really didn't know, couldn't they reverse the decision, I mean, doesn't that mean it was illegal?

I don't want to punish his other children, I'm just afraid of what they will say about him. Their mothers already say bad stuff about him and they don't need to hear more from these people.

I hate to say it, but I'm suspicious that he knew he had to be at court and just didn't go, even since he found out from his mother, he hasn't exactly been burning the lines up to find another lawyer or get answers. His main interest has been his legal obligations to his child support and medical bills that occured before the termination. In a way, I'm happy for the child. I have some of my own and know that my ex would spend every last dime and amount of energy to save his relationship.

I'm just looking for some answers that I can put in front of him and say, here it is, either fight for your child or let it go and let her live her new life but quit blaming everyone else.(He's accused me of hiding the papers saying when to be at court.)

Please, any help is appreciated.

Also, is there any way that I can find out if he was actually served the papers? Thanks!

[Peanutsdad]

If he was served, a process server would have noted the time and date.

I think you are right,, he needs to quit blaming others for his own screw ups.

[littlebit]

Go to the courthouse and look at the file for yourself.  

In my state (AL), all divorce and custody records are public.  I think that is the case everywhere.  Simply go to the main courthouse and start asking for directions until you get to the right place.  

The file should tell you filing dates, dates service was attempted and / or completed, court dates, communication between parties and attorneys etc.  You will probably be amazed at how much information you can obtain!

[Missyougirl]

Thanks, I think I will do that. I spoke with my mil, and she said she had copies of the papers the bm had. She said she sent them to her to stop the lies. I'm almost afraid of what I'm going to find out when I go. The more I hear, the more it seems like he's lied. And lied. I am starting wo feel bad for the bm, she had to prove everything and has been called everything in the book. It's really making me wonder. Anyway, thanks for all the help!

[janM]

Please let us know what you find out.
Good luck.

[Kitty C.]

Then I recommend you go into it with an open mind.  From your posts, you've got some serious doubts about your SO, and rightly so.  You're wise to gather as much info as possible to make an informed decision.  Not many would do that.  Once you see the paperwork, sort thru everything you know for fact and weigh it.

When we made the decision to move back to my home state from CA, I actually made a list of reasons to stay and reasons to leave.  The ONLY reason to stay was because of a job I loved.  But the reasons to leave were so numerous and substantial, I had NO regrets.  I hope that it's this way for you.

[Missyougirl]

I saw most of the papers. He lied. He knew when he had to be at court, he just didn't go. Now he's saying that he swears he didn't know and she must have paid the courts off. This is the second child he has walked away from and I don't know what to do. I am glad I don't have children with him. I told him I think he's still responsible for his past support obligations, but he doesn't think so. He's all about money, his money. Thank you to everyone who gave me advice and good luck to you all in your cases.

[nosonew]

He is likely what you call a REAL deadbeat dad!  That is too bad, but I'm glad you found out the truth.  Hopefully your MIL can speak with the mom about this and get a little time with the child.  This is just too sad...

[KAT]

I'd be walking away from this guy. Husband or no husband how can you ever trust him with anything again? You don't need this b.s., your future children don't need this. I don't care how cute he is, he's a liar. Trust me, I was once married to one!! Not being able to afford support or being refused (or can't afford it either) visitation, that's what most of us are here for. Lying about it however just shows his moral character.

You should also note that in many states even if your parental rights are terminated this does not stop your child support obligation, past or present. Does it specifically state in the paperwork that support is also terminated? If not, he will be paying until the child is 18 regardless. Support arrears are rarely forgiven. Chances are he's still going to owe at least that much with interest. He can be jailed & they can attach everything he has. Even with your name on it.

It's possible his mother could obtain visitation but then again it depends on the state. Have her see a good family law attorney.

KAT

[Kitty C.]

Every SM here will tell you the emotional and financial toll these issues take on them.  With or without kids of their own.  This guy is a pathological liar and only has HIS interests in mind, certainly not yours, or he would have been up front with you all along.  If you stay, you will go down with him in the quicksand he's slowly sinking in.  

When they lock him up for non-payment of CS, will you be able to pay for all the household needs, PLUS what the legal costs will be for his refusal to take responsibility for his child?  This guy has already proven that you cna't trust him any further then you can throw him.  get out NOW before he ruins you emotionall AND financially....possibly for the rest of your life.  Get out now while it's the easiest on everyone.  It's only going to get MUCH worse in a very short time.  It's very rare that I recommend that someone leave a partner, especially a spouse, but this is a no-brainer to me.........

[Bolivar OH]

Your man belongs with my X.  Wouldn't it be nice if we could keep all the trash in one can?

I made a huge mistake and married trash.  People like this only cause pain.  The poor children are the ones who suffer the most in all this.

[Kitty C.]

'Wouldn't it be nice if we could keep all the trash in one can?'

ABSOLUTELY, Bolivar!!!!!!!!!!!  Especially when landfills and incinerators come to mind, LOL!!!!!!!!!!

[Missyougirl]

I plan to leave very soon. Maybe someone can offer another opinion on something for me. My mil is still trying to get some sort of visitation set up, the bm said they would consider it, only if she swears that my so won't be there during the visits. She is planning on bringing the child around anyway, and she is saying some awful things about the bm. Should I contact the bm and tell her what's going on, or stay out of it? I'm concerned that it will damage the child if she does this. She has already commented that they'd just have to explain that she can't tell anyone that he is around. If he hadn't lied so much and had made an effort, I would think it wouldn't hurt, but I feel like they are just teaching the child to lie, too. I feel really bad for the  bm and her husband now that I know most of the story. They have said some terrible things, and lord knows I have, too. But, I only knew one side of the story then, now I'm beginning to see the whole picture. I realize that a lot of the people here are fighting for their children and God bless you all, but he never put up a fight at all and never attempted to be her father, not he just wants to because he looks bad for what has happened. I also found out that the bm and new "dad" asked for no child support continued, they wanted all ties cut, and that it was also granted, his past obligations still stand, though. I don't understand how I ended up with someone like this, or how I didn't see the real him. And I am very glad that I do not have children with him! Thanks for letting me vent, and I appreciate having a place to go about this, I don't have anyone here that I trust enough.

[Kitty C.]

That's what we're here for and I'm glad you found this place!

As for talking to the BM, I'd leave well enough alone.  Yes, the child very likely will get hurt, but the child's already been hurt and will get hurt more, with or without your involvement.  As in regards to the MIL, tthere's no guarantee that any visitation could be worked out.  Some states have ruled against grandparents in regards to visitation.  And it's all on what can be worked out or negotiated.

You're doing the right thing, tho it may not feel like it right now.  But if the red flags are flying SO thick and fast that you can't see what's right and true, then it's time to bail.  Get out while you can and don't look back.  Many SM's here will tell you about having to bite their tongues and hodl back on what they see going on.  I do it all the time, I see the pain my SS has to deal with, practically on a weekly or daily basis.  I also understand that I have no rights when it comes to him, so all I can do is love him like my own when he's in my home.  The rest is out of my hands.

And remember this:  if the thought of staying for the sake of the child ever crosses your mind (like you could protect the child in some way if you stayed), just forget it.  That's like thinking having a child will 'fix' a marriage, when all it does is make it worse.  If YOU don't take care of YOU, then how can you possibly take care of anyone else, hmmm?  She is THEIR responsibility, not yours, and as much as I know it hurts to see the child hurting (am there, doing that), you have to save yourself first.

[nosonew]

Sounds like the mother will likely find out after a visit with dad anyway, and she will stop all visitation with gma... then gma would have that thrown at her in court if she ever took it that far.  How is she going to explain that to the judge?  Just worry about yourself right now...good luck!