50/50 Arrangements (2-2-5-5 method?)

[Jim3000]

I am a NCF in the course of "tweaking" our shared parenting plan to secure spending more time with my 3 kids (among other things - this case is going on 2 yrs). I already have them above and beyond our current plan.

Due to work constraints, I could not do alternating weeks. I did read somewhere - I forget but took notes - of a plan where we alternate 2 days with dad, 2 with mom, then 5 with dad, and 5 with mom. The 2-2-5-5 method.  It amounts to 50% which is what my ex has an issue with. I love this proposal, but mom is opposed to any "official" 50% arrangement (it looks bad - I already have them 48% of the time).

Has anyone tried this arrangement? Any suggested alternatives to alternating weeks in order to share them 50% of the time?

Cheers

[Giggles]

but my X and I did do the week on, week off and it worked great.  Then again, my X and I did get along fairly well.  We did the exchange at my DD's daycare so I really never had to see him.  On his week, he would pick her up from the day care Friday after work, then when it was my week, I would pick her up from the day care on Friday after work.  Another thing we had in our agreement was the right to first refusal.  If my X or I were to need a "sitter" anywhere from a couple of hours to possibly over night, then we had to give the other parent the right to watch DD.

A possible reason your X doesn't want an "official" 50/50 agreement could be a loss of, reduction or even possibly her having to pay CS.

[Giggles]

but my X and I did do the week on, week off and it worked great.  Then again, my X and I did get along fairly well.  We did the exchange at my DD's daycare so I really never had to see him.  On his week, he would pick her up from the day care Friday after work, then when it was my week, I would pick her up from the day care on Friday after work.  Another thing we had in our agreement was the right to first refusal.  If my X or I were to need a "sitter" anywhere from a couple of hours to possibly over night, then we had to give the other parent the right to watch DD.

A possible reason your X doesn't want an "official" 50/50 agreement could be a loss of, reduction or even possibly her having to pay CS.

[Jim3000]

Unfortunately, my work requires travel, which I could work in in the 2-2-5-5 arrangement. I have no intention of changing CS.

She does in fact struggle with the "status" of our arrangement and how it "looks" to the world.  I can't change that but for many reasons the  I believe my kids need this arrangement.  

[topnotchdad]

I've never heard of a 2-2-5-5 method.  We currently do week on/week off, which has been the least confusing method for us.  Before that, we did 3-4-4-3, which worked okay when DD was younger, but the week long is actually seeming better as far as getting routines established, etc.  When we did 3-4-4-3, it was Sun-Mon-Tues and every other Weds with Dad, then EOWeds, Thurs, Fri, Sat with Mom.  We did this basically b/c Dad worked on the weekends, so it was difficult for him to spend time with DD on weekends.  Mom LOVED it, b/c she got every weekend.

[Giggles]

I can see her point...sort of.  There are many many cruel people out there that feel if the Mother doesn't have FULL custody of the children then there must be something wrong or did something wrong.  In my situation, I feel I did the total RIGHT thing...I put the needs of my child well above my own.  

Your X needs to grow up and not care about how things "look" and needs to focus on what is in the best interest of the children.

[Jim3000]

What is funny is that I already have them nearly 50% of the time. Shared Parenting Plan gives me 30%, but she is more than happy to get rid of them when it suits her.

I have no hope of custody or getting her to follow the SPP (a joke to her). My strategy is more time and consistency for the kids.

[lawless]

I have done the 2255 method.  We did every Mon, Tues with Mom (me) and every Wed, Thurs with Dad then we each had every other Fri,Sat,Sun which meant that I would have them M,T, F,S,S one week and then just MT the next week and so on.  The reason why we did this initially was because it was important to our children to know where they were going to be on a particular day.  They were 10 and 14 at the time and they were against spending 7 nights away from the other parent.  After about 1 year, we switched to 7 nights at each house.  Our "switch" occurs after school on Mondays.  My now 12 year old HATED the transitions as he never seemed to remember everything he needed.  We made a special effort to have clothes at both places but could never seem to make sure that all of the different sport shoes, mitts, etc. made the transition.  So the downside is more transitions between houses.

I will say that it has been difficult for me to ignore the questions and remarks that imply that I am a bad mother for only having my children 50% of the time.  I actually feel like a great mother for making sure that my kids get equal time with their 2 very loving parents.  It is hard to swallow my motherly ego though as this is not a generally accepted philosophy.  My ex husband and I have discussed many times how he is seen as a great dad and people actually feel a little sorry for him because he has the kids 50% of the time.  We both stand behind our decision and our children are proving us right.  I do believe that most of the reason why our kids are doing so well is because we get along very well and continue to parent our children together.  It is certainly not perfect but I am thankful for my ex-husband's great attitude as we are dealing with the COMPLETE opposite situation from my husband's ex-wife and his daughters.

[gollymolly]

i must say that i don't feel a 2255 method would be good for children, although children differ.

during our divorce a judge ordered every other day rotating schedule, which was miserable.

currently we two weeks on two weeks off with an intermittet weekend, which works out to be 4-3-7-4-3-7. i thought this would be great, because the children wouldn't have to be away from either parent for two full weeks at a time.

now, i feel differently. this 437437 schedule is difficult to keep up with for all parents involved (at times we mix it up), much less the children. now that they are a little older, they have expressed that they don't like the shuffling around and that it is confusing.

i bought them each a calendar so that they would be able to monitor the schedule when needed and they would know which home they would be at that weekend or week.

i asked my x if we could make it two full weeks rotating, but he refused saying he did not want to be without the kids for two full weeks.

i feel it should be about the children and making them more comfortable.

if anything... try to see if the 437437 would work for your work schedule. if not, i don't want to say that you should change your job, but the children really need a more stable routine. and the larger the blocks of time, i feel, make the rotation/shuffling more bearable. the divorce alone will be difficult enough for them.

just a thought for you to ponder.......... from my experience and the mouths of my children.

[Jim3000]

I (we) have been divorced for 4 years. What I am really trying to accomplish with 2255 is to expand the periods of time that I have with them - a longer weekend and one more day in between.

Since I have them so much more anyway (nearly 50% instead of planned 30%), I want to add consistency. As complicated as it sound, that's what 2255 would do compared to what we actually do now. My ex didn't want the kids last night or tonight, so at the last minute I have them. I love it, but it is confusing for them.

As for changing my job, I can't do that where we live without a major pay cut which would be a serious blow to my ex's budget. I totaly support both households. She is re-married, but he doesn't exactly work much.

[Jim3000]

I don't think anyone was implying that you're a bad mother. I was suggesting that many people unfairly take that view when a mother does not have a full custody. That is my ex's issues with 50/50.

I actually had a court appointed mediator say the same thing; that it might "look bad" if I (dad) made the kids' doctor's appointments. What???

[backwardsbike]

I sure wish you were MY X husband!  Iam a NCM iNPA.  I am disabled.  I had been a nurse for 25 year althought I was a SAHM for a good portion of that time.  

My X couldn't handle the factt hat I left him.  So he hired an attorney with no scruples ( the best kind to have I guess) and took the children from me.  For the first year adn a half we had 50-50, which I never had a problem with. He took his nights but I had the kids while he worked during the daytime and I had all snow and sick days.  he had not problem with this until my new husband and I had achild of our own.  Up to that point Inever asked for child support.  But after our baby was born we could not afford all the groceries as my husband was the only one working in the house and X never sent the kids with breakfast. They ate all thier meals at my house.  When Iasked him to provide groceries he refuse adn out of necessity I took him for child support.

The suddenly our house was unfit, my husbadn was a danger tothe kids and we were awful people...in the X's eyes.  Buthis lawyer hired a custody evaluator.  My lawyer didn't fight for me and I became a NCM.

My X took that negative custody report everywhere he could proclaiming himself the children's savior adn me an unfit mother.  Althougth hehad not proo omy being unfit.-

I am NOT unfir by the way.  New husband and I have two children of our own who live with us and we are the first to volunteer for school activites adn do homework with our school aged child.  We both hold clean child clearances.

But my X has PAS'ed the children agianst me adn things are very difficult as I see them only EOW adn half od summers.  Phone contact is nearly impossible between visits becasue X makes it so uncomfortable fo the children.  So you can imiagine the relationship between the kids and me these days.

On top of all that, my husband, who used to support my kids from my first marriage, became disabled.  I returned to work.  My X took me for child support BEFORE I got my first paycheck.  Then I became disabled.  Iget less than $900 a month, but I still pay him $150 a month.  he makes over 50K!

Your X needs to wake up dn smell the coffee.  This is not the dark ages.  You were 50 percent responsible for the children being brought into the world.  What's wrong with aknowledging that with you oficially having 50 percent custody?  Tell her my story and remind her how lucky she is.  I would giv emy right arm for 50 persent of the time with my children and have offered to not take the X for support as long as the kids had what they need.  But he refuses to give up his "status".

[lawless]

I did not think that you were agreeing with the perception that a Mom who only has the kids 50% of the time is a bad parent, I was just commenting about how I get that perception tossed at me quite often.  Since all agree that kids need both parents, this perception is really unfair and doesn't make any sense, either.  I am amazed that a mediator would say this.  We have had TERRIBLE luck with a mediator.  It seems that they don't necessarily get a lot of training.

My ex and I actually have Joint legal and Joint physical custody.  We do not have a CP or NCP - we managed to be both CP and all decisions, legal or otherwise are joint.  We are in WA and were very happy to be able to make this happen.  

I believe that whatever the actual schedule, the most important thing is consistency and that the children "buy in" and know where they are supposed to be when.  With calendars and lots of communication, they will flourish having both parents in their lives working together.

Lawless

[Jim3000]

You are lucky to have a sensible relationship with your ex.

I am disgusted by "the system" that I had a lot of hope in. The realization that "shared parenting" was even an option was encouraging. In practice (in Ohio anyway) it is on the surface only. My custody case in going on two years now.

The mediator we were assigned had no family court experience and never read our shared parenting plan. I doubt he'd ever read one. Another wonderful line that haunts me was when he said - after 7 hours of mediation - that I just needed "to be validated as a parent".  I knew then that the whole process was doomed.  He also told me that I "didn't know how good I had it". That is not comforting when you are sincerely trying to make the best situation for your kids after you've given them the disservice of spliting up their family. Eventually you just settle for the best you can do.