Going against the court Order

[gerogiadad]

I am new to all this "Custodial Parent" stuff.  I am an Unwed Father that gained primary custody.
Now, however, I have the battle of my life apparently trying to get the NCP to follow the court order.  She lives a few states away and the court order states that she is allowed to have visitation by flying our child to and from visitation.  She has been given a deviation in Child support to provide for this.  She sent me an email that states she will be Driving this 14 hour trip.  I feel that if I allow this, I will be in contempt.  But I also feel that if I deny this visitation based on the court order I can also be held in contempt.  

How can I proceed?  Do I deny, or allow?  Are there any legal actions that can be taken if I deny based on the information?

thanks

[Sherry1]

exercise visitation?  If the court order is specific that flying is the only way to exercise visitation, then you do not have to send the child for visition.  She would be in violation of the court order if she tries to take the child via car if via flying is specified in the court order.  I think you need to contact your lawyer ASAP and ask him/her.

[gerogiadad]

the exact wording is

"The Mother shall be permitted to travel with (Child's name) from (home, State) to (NCP's home, state) on a direct flight and return seven (7) days later provided that she give the Father at least thirty (30) days notice of her intention to exercise visitation. He shall not be returned to the home of the Father any later than 7:00 P.M."

I have sent my lawyer an email asking this question.  Just trying to get some more info while waiting on the return conversation.

[Sherry1]

I would say you would not be in contempt.  Did she give you a 30-day notice?  I would think she would need to to notifiy you 30 days in advance with airline information, if she does not, then you are not in violation of the court order by not sending your child.

[gerogiadad]

I agreed to the dates for visitation under the knowledge she would be flying.  Then, 2 days before her day to start her visitation, she informs me that she will be driving.  I am thinking the same as you, but you never can tell.  It really is a rock and a hard place for our child.  I don't want him to sit in a car seat for 14 hours.  I also, don't want to keep him away from his mother.  So far she has failed to follow anything of this order without bending it as much as possible.

[ocean]

Can I ask what the big deal is? Let her take the visitation...She will have more money to spend on child if she does not fly. You will not be in contempt because she is not going to bring it to court. Sometimes we have to pick our battles, and this one I would let go....(as long as you trust that she return child...if this is the case then you need a return ticket)
Good luck!

[notnew]

How old is the child?

Is the child old enough to fly alone? From your posts, I get the impression that he is not.

Maybe she can't afford to fly?

Unless you are fearful that she will not return the child, I would have to agree with Ocean and let the visitation take place. It's hard to say without details on how messy your custody battle was, if mom is unstable, drug user, etc.

If you have genuine fear for the child's safety, you could deny the time with the child but you risk looking bad in the court's eyes. How long have you had custody? Has child spent time with mom before?

If none of the "if's" apply, I'd let him go with her on the drive. A kid is no fun to drive long distance with. I'd be willing to bet that next summer she has saved up enough for the flight!

JMHO - Not legal advice.

[gerogiadad]

2 years old so can't fly alone.  I don't worry about her not returning.  She was given $400 a month Deviation from child support to pay for plane tickets.    My case was a complicated one for sure and right now since it has not even been 6 months she is trying to set precedent that she is in control.   I have been the "better person" and not stood up for my own rights for 2 years during this battle in the courts, now I am supposed to sit back and let her run things the way she wants court order be danged just so My child doesn't miss out on seeing his mother.  She isn't making things easy either, waits until 2 days to tell me that what we agreed to isn't going to happen.  I have the conversation recorded where we agree to the date and that it will be a flight.   just to have her tell me yesterday that she never bought a ticket.  In other words a month ago when we planned this she wasn't going to buy a ticket.

I let SO much slide trying to make sure that my child has everything he deserves.  Which battle do I need to fight?

[Sherry1]

I guess I am a hard a$$ because I would follow the court order.  No airfare, no visit.  

Let us know what your attorney says after you get a hold of him/her.

[MixedBag]

Yes, you're order is specific based on the words you posted.

HOWEVER, since the child is so young and can't fly on his own (yet), driving makes sense to some folks.

Mom can also use the CS deviation to pay for her transportation expenses to come get the child and drive back and then do it all over again.  

I'm on the side of letting the parenting time happen.  Let her drive it back and forth -- and maybe next time she'll change her mind when she has a hard time putting the child back in the car seat after the first leg of the trip.

Personally, I believe the court was attempting to make "you" cooperate by defining that the child is allowed to fly (not that you're uncooperative, o.k.?)  I've read where many parents come here and don't want to put their child on the plane -- or the receiving NCP is worried that the CP won't put the child on the plane (BTDT as an EX-step-ncp).  Yes, EX#3's EX refused to take the kids to the airport and put them on the plane because the order didn't specifically say she had to.  Yes, she was found in contempt.....and EX#3 lost most of the time with his kids.

Sometimes, every one has to give a little when distance is concerned.  Are there NON-STOP flights to a city close to you?  I'm thinking that unless you're willing to take the child to Atlanta, (and she uses Airtran or Delta) the answer might be no.

Pick and choose your battles.....and IMHO, this ain't one.

[janM]

...to travel by air. It does not say she HAS to, although I think the judge was strongly recommending it.

I agree with another poster, she may think twice about a long car ride with a 2 year old next time. Plus, if she splits it into 2 days, that's 4 days out of 7 she's spent driving.

And, she did give you notice of visitation, she just chose another mode of transportation.

I'm not a lawyer but I don't see a contempt here.

[notnew]

Listen - you have won such a HUGE battle here by getting custody in and of itself. I know you kept your mouth shut and let a lot of things slide and I also think you should let this slide. It is not a huge issue and the court could look at it as petty and it COULD be the first in a tally of court actions that result in custody getting transferred. Tread carefully here. Pick your battles carefully and wisely. The child deserves the love and affection and TIME from BOTH of his parents. Don't stand in the way of that. You have to recognize that you cannot make her be the type of parent you want her to be. This is not a situation where you are selecting a caretaker for your child and you can say what does and doesnt' happen when the kid is with that caretaker. The child is with the mother and she is acting in the same capacity as you do at that time. Not an easy thing to accept I know, but one that you must come to terms with. Don't make this about control because the battles will only escalate and then your child's life will be impacted no matter how well you think you are shielding him from things.

Also, you probably already know that the courts give a LOT of leeway to women and their excuses/reasonings for their actions. Too many women are too good at maniuplating a "weaker sex" mind set and allow them to get away with WAY too much while holding a man's feet to the fire for even the perception of behaviour that is anything less then perfect. Hell, even perfect isn't enough sometimes. I am NOT saying that it is only women who pull these stunts, there are cases of a man committing PAS and playing these games but, the fact of the matter is that statistically, more women are playing games and the courts give in to women more then men. I don't want to get into the "perceived" bias in the courts discussion with anyone.

It's her choice to waste at least two of her 7 days in driving and losing a chance to have some quality time with her child. That's her loss and of course, the child's loss as well, but he doesn't know it right now. Hopefully, she will get her head on straight later on.

BTW - If you had exchanged this information via certified letters instead of on the phone, you would have solid proof of the conversation. At this point, she could say she never had that conversation and you have nothing to prove otherwise.

All communications of this type can be conducted via telephone, but should be followed up for the record via certified return receipt requested mail.

BTW - are you keeping her informed of day to day things for the child like pediatrician name, visits, results, etc? If not ,  you should.

I'm sorry to sound like I"m telling you to not whine since you've got custody (and men don't get custody very often so you are LUCKY), but I'm telling  you not to whine about things that aren't really a big issue. Hopefully, you won't ever have a serious issue that needs to be addressed in court, but if you do, it will make you look a lot more credible if you haven't been in the court picking at each other over every little thing.

JMHO  - not legal advice.

[gerogiadad]

Just an update. I chose to allow this to go ahead.  Thanks for everyone's replies.  There is much more about the reasoning behind the Flights and it was added by my lawyer and I to protect our child.  Details aren't needed, just know it is there for a reason.I have gone above and beyond to be "the petter person" at least, that is how I see it.  There are always 2 sides.  Most of the time I just let her get away with it because, I can't imagine having to be that far away.  but She move to get a leg up, but this time she missed the rung and fell on the mercy of the courts.  This "Order" is not Judge mandated it is an agreement transcribed into the record then signed as a final Order.  So, mom agreed to this no one forced her.  She almost didn't get the Week at her residence due to the nature of the evidence, but was allowed 7 days when another stipulation was added.

Either way, again I turn the other cheek.  Thanks everyone that read and replied.

[gerogiadad]

It says she is permitted to take the child to her home.  


::Edit:: that is the bane of the courts, it is all open to interpretation.

[Giggles]

HOWEVER, what I think you should do, is if she pulls this again...then I would have the CS revised because she's getting a "break" and not using it....something to run by your lawyer at least!

[MixedBag]

she's still got expenses driving even if she isn't flying -- gas, food, hotel come to mind.  And no, it's not always cheaper to drive than fly.

I used to get a transportation "break" too in D#3, but didn't have such restrictive language.  So HOW I used that money, was up to me.

[MixedBag]

for everyone concerned.

Here's to a safe journey for your child!

[IndigoMama]

You may want to file for clarification on this issue to be sure in the future.

[Quyrah_1]

IMHO, pick your battles.  As long as you get to see your child that is what counts most.  I would let it go this time but tell her next time this will be unacceptable and she needs to follow the court orders.  My husband x won't even send his child out to visit.  She is old enough to fly alone but mother refuses to put his child on the plane unless we pay for it all.  Although it states in his divorce papers that all transportation is split in the costs.  One is to drop off and the other pick up.  So he hasn't seen his child in 2 years and that is because I used my student loan money to get his child out here to visit "dad." My husband is unable to work but he still pays his CS and he get's nothing in return.  

So be glad you get to see your child. Take advantage of the time you spend with her.

Have a good visit and I wish you the best