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Author Topic: A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........  (Read 6885 times)

shawneetears

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RE: I was going to post this but this seems like a good place
« Reply #10 on: Dec 13, 2004, 02:40:46 AM »
Yikes!!
Ok, you made a mistake in trusting someone who is obviously NOT trustworthy...lesson well learned I am sure.
Question....where did he cash the checks?  You see if he signed your name he has committed forgery.  I don't know but maybe you have some recourse there with the bank or the IRS...it may have been too long but it won't hurt to check into it.  Banks are supposed to have BOTH people sign and present ID.
Please look into the civil suit....this BFH has cost you money as well as putting you and your family through the ringer IMHO she deserves what she gets...this is pure meanness.
You need to have along talk with your PO....does he know everything that is going on? You have to stay sqeaky clean (and I am sure you know that).
Is there any chance of getting a loan to pay off the debts? What about DH...can he help? For now you might be better off working with a temp agency...sign up with several...at least then you don't have to worry about losing a job you want to keep... sign up with a couple of them and you can get more hours and many pay weekly.
Look, don't seperate just because of this woman and her machinations..... Talk to DH, tell him how you feel. Talk to your son...he is entitled to know what is going on.  And above all, talk to an attorney.... you may not be able to do anything while on probation but if you can find a way...beg, borrow, pawn...whatever... to raise the money to get it over with...  Then you can do something.... in the meantime you need some advise.  Some places even have legal aide.... they might be of some help.
 
wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)


smtotwo

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RE: A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........
« Reply #11 on: Dec 14, 2004, 09:27:15 AM »
The first question people ask me about DH's ex is did he leave her for me?  Because of her jealous and out of control behaviour!  And no he didn't leave her, she left him and was already remarried when DH and I met.

DH and I have begun therapy, not for ourselves but to help us deal with her and her actions.  

The therapist thinks that the ex has borderline personality disorder.  

Yes, everyday we as second wives have to deal with the fallout from these ex's.  Unfortunately.  I have even recently considered separating from DH because of his ex.  But I shouldn't have to live my life around her,  and this has been going on for soooo long now that  I REFUSE TO LET HER WIN!! And if I left him then she'd get what she's worked so hard for, to make dh miserable.

joni

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I'm with you sister!
« Reply #12 on: Dec 14, 2004, 10:34:23 AM »
Feel the exact same way at times.  Hate that BM can make me regret my relationship at times.

wendl

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RE: A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........
« Reply #13 on: Dec 14, 2004, 08:31:17 PM »
God do I know how you feel, however dh and I have never let the bm ruin our relationship as hard as she may try. I guess we are lucky cuz we talk everything over. And we love eachother to much that her drama will not take over our lives, we only have control over ourselves, so let her make an ass of herself and smile while she is doing it.

Think long and hard before deciding to seperate with dh, I think the counseling will be good for both of you.

Also dh and I have decided to enjoy life and not let anything the thing does bother us or get us upset at one another.

Remember, we can only control our own actions, and don't get trapped into her crazy drama games, you two are better than that.


Believe me there is a brighter side one you can do that. But it take hard work from both you and dh.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

shawneetears

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RE: A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........
« Reply #14 on: Dec 20, 2004, 01:29:29 PM »
I started this line because I am going to become a SM next year.  I had a wonderful SF who was more of a Dad than my BF; not that my BF was bad or that he didn't love me; I know he did but being in the service he just could not be around very much. My mother was always positive in anything she had to say about him.  I was lucky.

All that said, I can only hope I am as good at being a step parent as my dad was.  He was my mentor, my teacher and as much a parent as our situation called for.

And that seems to the the consensus....it all depends on the situation.  If the child has two biological parents who are willing and able to parent the child then they should be allowed to do just that. A step parent should be a bonus, friend, mentor, role model.  I know there are situations where the step parent has to parent just as much as the natural parent but they shouldn't try to replace or oust the other parent.

Just MHO.

wish you all the best life has to offer!  :)


flewwellin

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RE: A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........
« Reply #15 on: Dec 29, 2004, 12:03:28 PM »
I absolutely adore my step kids.  I have a 5 yr old SD and a 3 yr old SS. Now so far their BM hasn't interfered with my relationship with the kids.  Then again she spends all her time trying to damage their relationship with their BD.  My hubby and the BM can never have a polite conversation so a lot of our problems unfortunately end up solved in court.  Right now we have paperwork about to be filed about this holiday's visitation interference.  That's a different topic though.  
           I think that as long as you are there for the kids and are willing to bend over backwards for the children than you are a good step parent of course more goes into that.  Treating them like your own, loving them, providing for them, etc.
          As for how far I'll go and when i back off.  I never back off of the BM.  She then will think she has the upper hand.  The only way i've learned to deal with her as of yet.  Still new at the step parenting thing. :D and as for my hubby, well he really has the final say because they truly are his kids.  BUT i have a lot of sway with what is or isn't done about most things.  He tends to be more giving in certain aspects that I would fight tooth and nail about.  But that goes back to picking your battles.  

rachaelmomma

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RE: A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........
« Reply #16 on: Jan 02, 2005, 09:05:01 PM »
Shawneetears,

I think a good step mom is many things.

A provider - You will be expected to provide a warm, clean, and loving environment for the stepchild/children when they are in your care.

A friend - You are not your Skids mom (provided that you will be NCP and that the BM is relatively saine and takes decent care of her kids) You can therefore occupy the role of confidant for issues that are not serious and you can be the "cool" older girl/woman that your step children can look up to.  A note about confidentiality... make it clear to your skids that you are there for them to talk to if they would like to discuss things with you however if you feel that anything they say could put them in harms way it is your right and duty to discuss it with their father.

A role model - The BM and BD have a lot of emotion tied up in this battle.  You don't.  You can see things much more clearly than they can and as my MIL recently told My DH's Ex "Rachael is the only one of the the three of you who truely only has the best interests of SD at heart not winning stupid head games"  GO GRANNY!!  This does not mean that BM or your DH will listen to a word you have to say but that you are most likely the parental figure who can see the truth of any situation without bitterness, or "my-perfect-angel" syndrom clouding the view.

A parental figure - If you are NCP then you are an athority figure and a parental figure but you are ultimately not the parent and therefore final say and any physical punishment should be left up to BM or BD.  However, it is your house too and therefore your Skids should follow your house rules and treat you with respect.  They should treat you as an athority figure in their lives.  If you are CP then you will most likely take on more of the MOM roll.

Hope this helps.

Rachael

sweetnsad

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RE: A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........
« Reply #17 on: Jan 03, 2005, 07:33:40 AM »
Rachael, your reply was a good one!

Shawneetears,

Being a good step parent means knowing your boundaries.  Period.  It's tough to do, but in the end, it works.  

Being a good step parent means being there for your step kids, no matter what....you have to remember, their world was turned upside down and they need all the stability and comfort they can get.

Being a good step parent means NOT getting in the middle of your husband/wife and their ex when it comes to issues regarding the children....be supportive....

Being a good step parent means that when the children are in your care, you treat them as you would your own children....no favoritism, especially in front of them.  The same rules apply to all.  And yes, when they are in your care, they should follow the rules.  There has to be boundaries set in both homes and there shouldn't be any interference.  That applies to both the bioparents and the step parent.

Simply, it means that you be there for them.  Regardless of what the bio parent may think, most step parents are good people and are good to the children.




almostastepmom

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RE: A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........
« Reply #18 on: Jan 12, 2005, 04:28:20 PM »
What about if you DH/SO doesn't do anything at all... Just lets the BM do what ever she wants.  Mine doesn't want to "rock the boat" I think he is affraid of her.  She did some heavy damage to him when they were married and he actually never wanted kids.  He is a good day, ALWAYS pays cs & alimony and has actually overpais her. But he just seems to let things slide instead of dealing with her and her unrational ways.  So I as a SM (or almost one) think that if he isn't going to do anything I should..... It's gotten me into trouble a time or two, but if it is going to benifit my skids then why not?

joni

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RE: A question about SM/SD 's (opening a can of worms)........
« Reply #19 on: Jan 12, 2005, 06:24:16 PM »

I understand how you feel and most us SM's feel the same way for our DH's or SO's.  We love them and defend them passionately and it drives us crazy to watch them be exploited.

Your fiance is going to have to fight his own battles and find his own way.  He will, just be patient.  Everything runs it's course.  I too, had this frustration with my DH.  For 4 years, he let the BM walk all over him.  The last 6 months he's found his fire.  

Probably follows the saying, revenge is best served cold.  Seems my DH knew when his time would be.  You fighting his battles for him will not solve anything and will only make the matters worse.  Take my word for it based on 5 years experience.

 

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