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nm

I'm not sure this is the right forum to post this, but here goes:

I have a couple questions about using the PTT.  My dh and I have been using it since October 03.  My questions are:

1.  If there is more than one child that goes between homes, and the "ncp" goes to pick the kids up for his/her CO'd time with the kids, and the cp allows all but one child to go, holding back one child for whatever reason...what would be the best way to document that on PTT?  My thought is to list it as a Denied visit and explain in the Comments that the time was denied with one child but regular with the rest.  Does that sound right, or is there a better way?

2.  I've been using the Comments section to outline things outside parenting time, like the school not being able to reach bm due to her phone being cut off and not having an alternate number, or dh and bm discussing the kids' report cards.  Is that ok to do, or would that be perceived as a "bad thing"?

Thanks!  :)

If so, then it would be in your best interest to honour it, even if she doesn't.

If not, she doesn't need to know he's going to be away, does she?  Unless he can't pick up or drop off the kids.

If you're able to tell mom what you've written here, it might go over well.  

As far as the little one, your younger sd, well, she's been displaced as the favourite, right?  Seems to me there's misplaced anger there.  She's mad at her little sibling(s) for dethroning her.  

A frightening thought, but I have to ask - was she the one with the little guy when he ws hurt?  Do you think maybe *she* hurt him, intentionally or otherwise?  I have heard of that happening, and if you do find out that was the case, please, please get your husband to do what he has to do to get the girl in counselling, with or without the mother's consent.

Wow.  Tough situation.

First things first.  What does dh want to do as per a plan of attack?  Does he even want to pursue action or is he taking the "wait and see" approach?  You kinda have to follow his lead here.

As for expecting bm to admit she's having difficulties and can't handle her children...don't.  Not likely.  We've bdtd on many, many occasions with our bm and it's plain she can't handle them, but even when asked by dh, confronted, etc, she won't admit it.  It's a huge hit to pride, and frankly, I don't know about your bm, but with mine, pride's all she's got.  Ours never told dh about a visit (or visits) by our child services people, or any of the other traumatic events she's subjected my sds to.  Pride.  Gets in the way of her being a decent mother, but anyway, you can't prove that in court, so....

Perhaps (with dh's blessing) you could *offer* your help.  She may just accept a hand.  Unless she's too proud.  What is her own family doing to help her?

that it's none of her husband's business, and you should state that in your reply to your ex-wife.  The matter is between you and her, and you will not be entertaining anyone else's quesitions or opinions, legitimate or not.

By all means, continue to contact your child.

bm have to do with her time?  ;)  Being reasonable takes away her drama.

But really, it's not about attorneys, or bm, or even us.  It's about waht's best for osd.  We know what is best for her, but she's gotta feel it too, osd that is, or it won't work.

I have a 12 year old stepdaughter.  We went through this very recently - last month, in fact.  It hasn't gotten to court, though - I'll explain.

Oldest stepdaughter (osd) turned 12 in November.  In December she told her dad, my husband, that she wants to live here fulltime.  We currently share custody of her and her younger sister, ysd, with the bm.  BM's address is used as custodial for school, which is out of our school boundary, although we live in the same city.

Now, we've seen this coming for some time, so we had a sort of plan.  Like your daughter, my osd and her mother don't generally get along all that well.   My dh told osd that in order for a custody change to occur, *she* has to initiate it, meaning osd.  by that, I mean osd has to want it, and she has to be the driving force behind it.  DH will file for it, but only if osd is insistent, and on her behalf - not his own.

We asked osd what her reasons are, and she stated two primary ones:  a)her mother's boyfriend, who is an asshole (to explain specifics would take too long - there are years of examples) and b)the smoking by the bm and her bf.  Both are, we thought, very good reasons, as opposed to more frivolous reasons kids could come up with, ie not liking rules, or having to share a bedroom at mom's house vs having their own at dad's, etc.

Now that it's been abuot a month, osd states the relationship between her and her mother has improved.  The bf is still htere and so's the smoking, but they don't seem to be huge issues to osd now.  Why?

She's 12.  Just remember that about your daughter, too.   She's *12*.

Reason #1 why 12 year old's aren't old enough to choose where they want to live.  They aren't mature enough.  My osd is pretty mature, but to ask her to choose between her parents is evidently too much for her.  And I can't blame her.

My points in all this are as follows:

1.  Custody battles are expensive, in time, money and whatever relationship you do have with the other parent.  Choose them wisely.

2.  Teen and preteen girls are not going to get along with their mothers.  It's a fact of life.  It is also not going to win you a custody battle, should it turn into a battle.

3.  To get a custody change, you need to do your research as to what constitutes a substantial change of circumstance.  Your daughter wanting it counts, I do believe...but she needs to stand up for herself.  If the fact that your daughter wants it is the only reason, and there aren't more serious ones, and she waffles, IMHO, that's good reason to abandon it altogether.  Fighting over your kids, isn't what's best for your kids.  Try to avoid it.

Good luck.

If bm has an apartment, she's a fantastic mother.  (sarcasm)

I speak from experience.  Our bm's been evicted at least twice, maybe three times.  She's been living at her parents' (with my sds, her son by her bf, her twin sister, twin sister's 3 kids, and the parents) since before last Christmas.  Going on a year.  She can't get a place because of the enormous black mark on her name.  Court won't care.  She just recently resumed her lucrative burger-flipping career as well - wasn't working for the better part of this year.  

So no, I wouldn't even bother just based on this.

What did bm say when dh asked her?

We're going through much the same issue - don't know if you saw my post about our bm being evicted for the third time in two years.  I don't have any advice at the moment - I'll let you know when my dh decides to get off his duff and find out!  :P