Messages

The following is e-mail correspondance word for word between me and my child's other parent (minus personal info of course).  I am hoping to get some objective feedback.  Basically, who is right and who is wrong, and who is being nice, who isn't, etc.  We have custody court in about a month.

Terry:
I need Child's Dental Insurance information. He has an appointment next week. A filling fell out. Thank you. Hope ya'll had a blessed Thanksgiving.

Pat:
Insurance carrier (XXXX) has not changed since 2001, has Child not been going to the dentist? would you like me to send a form in the mail? I will be glad to take him to Our Dentist if you would like, and also have his cleanings scheduled along with his brothers twice a year.
   Hope Child's tooth is ok, please keep me informed and let me know if I can be of assistance. When is Child's appointment and with whom?

Terry:
Yes, Child has been going to the Dentist. Since our move I can not find the dental insurance information. If you can please give it to me again, that would be very helpful.  

Pat:
When is Child's appointment and with whom?

Terry:
Dr. Specific and Dec.15 11:40. Now will you give me the needed info?

Pat:
Thank you kindly.  I will put the insurance form in the mail as I mentioned earlier.  
   We have an activity that I would like Child to be included in.  He would need to stay with me Sunday night and return to your house Monday afternoon.

Terry:
Last time you gave me the insurance info. over the phone. Why can't you just email it to me or give it to me tonight when you talk to Child?      
   What is the activity that you want to include Child in?

Pat:
I was simply trying to be nice by offering to mail the form that you need.  The insurance carrier is XXXX.  The policy is in my name and Child is listed as a dependant.  The form to use is called XXXX Company Dental Expense Claim Form.
   As for using my weekly phone call with Child for your needs, please refrain from doing so.  You allow such a brief time for communication between me and Child, I would prefer that that time not be spent on anything else.  You and I can communicate any other time.
   If there is an event Child is involved in that would be customary for his parents to attend (ball-games, plays, Scouts, ceremonies, etc.), I assure you that I would always make you aware of them.  That is not the case here, so I prefer not to give you our plans.  
    I would hope that your cooperation is not based on whether or not you approve of our plans.  I have never requested details about your activities before agreeing to your requests, and I would appreciate the same in return from you.  It is very important to me that Child be there, otherwise, I would not ask.

Terry:
First of all I was not asking you to use your phone call with Child for my needs. You have talked to me briefly numerous times during your phone call with him. It has never been a problem before. Also, it was the court that set the time allotment if you remember.  But that is fine.
   Thank you for the insurance info.
   As far as the other, I've already told you what my lawyer said.  If you have any other questions about  visitation, have your attorney contact my attorney.

Pat:
Yes, I have spoken to you before during those times.  It has only become an issue since you will not allow me & Child to talk to each other any other times.  
    I have also agreed to every request you have made of me to change scheduling for your benefit.  Attorneys were not necessary for you to make those changes that benefitted you, and you were even willing to discuss changes with me two hours ago when you wanted to know our plans.  
    I am making every attempt to be cooperative and nice.  Your welcome for the info.  Any time I can help I will.
    Yes, I do remember the court.  Will you allow me to talk to Child on the phone at times other that what the court has ordered you to?

Terry:
When I switched weekends with you, it benefited both of us and that has been the only thing I have asked of you. It did not interfere with Child's schooling. Your request have done that . I asked what your plans were because I thought if it was something Sunday evening then you could of possibly brought Child home later that night.

Pat:
I assure you, It did not benefit me to give up the only Halloween Child has had with me, or to allow you to pick him up early, or for him to miss out on our camp weekend we had scheduled.  There have also been times when we re-arranged schedules at your request during Child's "school hours".  I made these decisions based on what is good for Child.
    I'm confused about your requests regarding attorneys.  It is OK with you if we arrange your schedule changes between the two of us?  And if I only want to change the schedule by a couple of hours, that's OK too?  Please clarify.  
    Again, will you allow me to talk to Child on the phone at times other that what the court has ordered you to?
    I hate to hear that Child is sick.  Hope he gets better soon.  Please keep me up to date on his condition.

Terry:
First of, when I switched weekends with you in October, it was for Child's benefit. He wanted to go to my friend's wedding. I offered you the third weekend and that wasn't convenient for you. You took the Fifth weekend. As for Halloween and me picking him up at 5:00 on Sunday evening, you would have been driving for that hour until 6 anyway.  
As for your camping trip I don't know what you are talking about.
As far as you re-arranging your schedule during Child's school hours; I don't know what you are referring to.  You pick Child up every Friday at 3:00.
   You did not state in your email that you wanted to change visitation by a couple of hours, you stated a whole extra day. I will not let anything interfere with Child's education. That is where the attorney thing comes in.
   You continue to make caddie remarks in your emails and you continue to be disrespectful.  I do not consider that attitude as being cooperative.
If you can not email  me or talk to me without being caddie and disrespectful, then don't bother.
  Child is still sick. He has a cold. You will need to continue giving him medicine this weekend if he is not feeling better by tomorrow afternoon.

Pat:
>>>>First of, when I switched weekends with you in October.....    
>>>>As for your camping trip.....
>>>>As for Halloween....
We simply have opposite viewpoints here. I don't care to comment on those things further, unless you can point out something positive coming out of continuing with it.  

>>>>As far as you re-arranging your schedule during Child's school hours....
What are Child's school hours?

>>>>You continue to make caddie remarks.....
Whichever communications you view in a negative way, I sincerely apologize, as none were meant that way.  I feeI that an open line of communication is always best, and whatever it takes to do that, that is what we both need to do.  I will make every effort to watch how I word things.  Please do the same yourself.

>>>>You didn't state that you wanted to change by a couple of hours....
I agree.  You brought that up.

>>>>I will not let anything interfere with Child's education.
Interfere?  I have expressed my desires numerous times to help Child and you with his education, and for you to include me.  That is still my desire.  I want to be a part of his education just as you are.  As long as he is doing home-school, you and I could arrange it any way we wanted to. That is not interference, that is beneficial.
I mailed the insurance form to you.  Hope it helps.
Again, will you allow me to talk to Child on the phone at times other that what the court has ordered you to?

Terry:
You talk in circles. I will no longer banter back and forth with you. You are so concerned about Child having more time to talk with you during the week. Where was your concern for him during this summer? Don't you think he would of enjoyed talking to us more than once a week. You thought once a week was good enough then, then it should be good enough now.

Pat:
Child has no restrictions on his phone usage here.  
What are Child's school hours?

--no response--

Pat:
Child will be staying with me until Monday at 6:00 pm.

Terry:
I already told you no. Bring Child home at 6:00 Sunday like you are suppose to ordered by the court.

Just a few brief details: Court date is in January to change custody from BM to me.  Custody evaluation was requested by GAL and approved by judge in August.  

I got the court order last week, only because I kept hounding my attorney.  It is possible that BM has not seen the order.  CO states that it is BM & BD responsibility to arrange appointments with the evaluator for themselves and child.  

I have met with evaluator once briefly, and have another appt scheduled.  BM has not done anything so far, so I am scrambling to arrange child's appointment ASAP.  

The only way to get child to the appt is to tell BM the date & time for her to take him, or I can not return him to her house at the scheduled time on one of our weekends.  Any thoughts or advice on that?

Myself and GAL were hoping to expose some of BM's major flaws with the evaluation.  

Would it be better or worse if BM just never goes to the eval?

If BM doesn't participate in eval, will that give them a reason to reschedule the court date again?

I didn't think to CC attorneys.  Good idea.

I have serious doubts about whether she even spoke to her attorney, because of all the lying and scheming she's already done.  And besides, how realistic does it sound that an attorney would recommend for thier client to not cooperate with and stop communicating to thier child's parent?

She volunteered the details of why she wanted to change schedule.  When I later asked son in passing "Did you have fun at XXXX?", he looked at me like I had a carrot growing from my nose: "We didn't go to XXXX, we never do that anymore."  

And I suspect that applies to all of her reasons.

Only thing that worries me, is I don't want it to look to the courts like I'm playing tit-for-tat with PBFH when my child is involved.  Or... is this such a small issue in the grand scheme of things, that it will never come up again.

Court date is in January for change of custody from BM to me, & contempt against BM.

BM requested that we change our visitation three times in the last two months to better suit her schedule.  As always, I agreed each time.  We have been communicating via e-mail, and she has been very cordial...until now.

Last week I requested of her to make changes due to my schedule.  She was obviously put-off, and when I would not give her specific reasons for the change, she did not reply back, until today.  And of course she will not do it.  

She went on to say that she conferred with her attorney who thinks she should stick to the current court order.  And furthermore, any more requests I have should be directed through our attorneys.  And, get this!...she made sure to say that she would still be picking up son early this weekend as I had previously agreed to!  WTF?!

I'm so sick of this!  

I would like some input on what to do:

1) Respond with "OK, court order it is, no early pickup"
2) Respond with my disappointment / disgust of her lack of cooperation
3) Make no response, and allow the early pickup as agreed.
4) Make no response, and stick to the court ordered time of pickup.
5) Something else that my madness clouds my view of right now

Tnaks for the help,
LittleBit's Dad

1) Why in the world would you argue with the GAL and blatently refuse to do what she said?  That is suicide!

4) Why do you not want the kids at Dad's?  What you wrote only relays an incident of a power-struggle / scheduling conflict between Mom & Dad.

2) The kids came back from Dad's saying they were ignored and had no privacy.  How is that possible to have both at the same time?

3) Because the kids are lashing out with such extreme episodes at your house, not at Dad's, and the GAL has become aware of it, you've got a tough road ahead!

You are not removing yourself from your son's life, just making a change.  That does not have to be a bad thing.  Yes, you will see each other less, but that's OK.  Physically being apart does not change the love and the bond between the two of you.  How great it will be to for your son to see you support his happy life.  And how wonderful for you to know that you made his happiness possible.  

As long as the communucation is open between you & Dad, all will be fine for Son.  And it is very evident that his interest is top priority for you.  Perhaps you will even figure out a way to be involved with the things he loves so much at Dad's house: pool parties, b-day parties, special events, etc.  Believe it or not, that really is possible.

Another way to look at it:  The only thing that will change is the time you and you son spend together, nothing else.  And consider this...when your son was born, he needed you a lot more than now, and you spent a lot more of your time on him than you do now.  The same thing will happen when he starts school, and again when he starts playing sports, and again when he gets a girlfriend, then when he has a car, then there is moving out, then a new family....etc.  All of those circumstances will create physical distances, but what counts will never change!

Changes are only bad for kids if the parents do not make them good!

LilltBit's Dad

P.S.
Thanks to you for some much needed relief from all the horror stories (mine included).  It reminds me that there really are great Moms & great Dads out there who put thier feelings aside for thier children.

I just e-mailed.  Mine was a simple and quick note of support.  

Does anyone have a good form letter that could be slightly edited by each sender, then pasted onto an e-mail?

I think that it is possible to punish a parent for their wrongdoings, while at the same time, do what is in the best interest of the child.  Especially when PAS is involved, it is easy to do.  That is what happened in this case.  It is a win / win judgment.  

The judge made a ruling based on what is in the kids' best interest: a home environment that will facilitate a relationship with both parents, and eliminate using children as pawns.  It just so happens that this particular Mom considers that to be punishment to her; so it is!  GREAT!  I am cheering too!  Perhaps she will learn that she cannot do damaging things to her children without having to answer to anyone.

But at the same time, I am terribly saddened by the obvious pain those children had to endure due to the horrific display put on by this woman.  She made it clear to the entire world that she cannot control her own emotions even when it is detrimental to her children. [We can only imagine the stunts she pulls in the privacy of her own home.] She preferred to traumatize her kids by indulging her own hysteria instead of encouraging and reassuring them during such a difficult time.  What kind of parent makes a conscious decision to do this to their children?!  

So...I'm cheering because that will be the last time that those little girls will have to live through such a horrendous scene that their "Mother" creates for herself!  I am also cheering because those girls have a Dad and SM who apparently have enough concern for them to want to shield them from such tug-of-wars and mudslinging.  The Father's objective is apparently not to 'get back at' the Mom. Imagine how much self-discipline it takes for a person to sit completely silent through all this.  Not one defensive word, not one offensive word.  THAT is the kind of self-control that parents need to have for their kids!

LittleBit's Dad

Definite yes to getting sole custody.  There seems to be no reason not to.  If I understand your post correctly, BM has not seen daughter in 4 years.  So you should have no problem there!

As for contempt of court...will you be charging her for missed visits or failure to pay CS?  Consider what you wish to gain with contmpt charges, and how realistic is it that your wish will happen.  If you're trying to get back CS and she has never paid, is it likely that contempt will make her do it, or are you spinning your wheels in vain?

If your motivation is to punish her for not being involved with daughter, what will you gain? What will your daughter gain? Or if you are trying to 'make' her get involved, how realistic is that considering the history?

Personally, I think I would lean towards sole custody and forget the rest of it.

LittleBit's Dad