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Thank you stepmom

I hope Born can see through the anger she will probably feel when and if she reads it.

I am a mother and a step mother. I know that if I tell my ex, my daughter is not to do something.... He will let her do it before I get the last word out. He is rebelling against me. It is not a man thing, it is a human thing. If someone tells you that you are not doing things right and that there way is the only way, you as a human are eventually going to do things your way just to show them they can't control you.
Even if you agree with the way the other person does things, your going to do the opposite just to take control away from them.

Wow!
Am I getting some vibes from your post Born.

Let me start by saying although what I am about to say may sound harsh, I would just like you to see what I hear you saying.

The things you said in your post sound like my husbands ex-wife. You may not feel that you are seriously trying to control the situation or the relationship between your son and his father but you are.

Let me show you what I mean.

Born; His father has by choice limited his visits to Sundays 2-3 hours for the first few months and recently increased to 5 hours. He's very demanding about the times too...not flexible at all unless it's him making a request for change -

It sounds from your post that most of the visits for the past 9 months have been in your home with you present.
Dad is by choice limiting his visits with you. If you are forcing him to see your son in your home then you are the one not being flexible.

Born: So I suggested, that we work up to overnight visits. I suggested that he come around more often,
I hear... I suggested he spend more time with me.
Born: I offered to take the baby to his place
I hear... I offered to make him spend more time with me.

Born: I asked that he take a parenting class, I even offered to take one WITH him
I hear... I told him he doesn't know what he is doing and that he should spend more time with me.....

Born: Finally last weekend, I stepped in. He came over and I stopped him in his tracks and said we're going to do this the right way. I asked him to sit down, and handed him some toy keys. I sat next to him with the baby in my lap and started to talk to dad. then slowly involved the baby saying things like "this is daddy, he came to see you blah blah blah"

I hear... we are going to do this my way! you will spend time with me! telling a 9 month old "this is daddy"? what is that all about??? he knows that is his daddy unless someone is telling him otherwise.

Born: dad doesn't talk to the baby. just holds him. I thought it was because the baby couldn't really interact when he was younger, but now he babbles and laughs and crawls...I don't know what it is.

Dad knows anything he says you are going to criticize him and tell him he shouldn't say or do. So he and his son are not allowed to interact with each other because you are making the visit about you and not them.

Born: I chose to go to the othe room because I don't want him to say that I'm over his shoulder all of the time. and honestly, he's never complained about visiting at my house before now.
You are still there... you are still in control, watching and criticizing.
he finally got fed up with it.

it is too long to copy here so I will just reference the visits at his home when the first time you complained that he fed the baby too much, then the second time you complained that he didn't feed the baby enough, you complained that he doesn't know what types of food/diapers to use and that he must use what you provide because you know best.

Born:  I thought he'd feel better about being around if he felt like he had some kind of tie to our son, so I named the baby after him, making his middle name same as his fathers.
Born: I lost a lot of respect for him during the pregnancy and especially after refusing to give the baby his last name, and guilt tripping me into making his middle name his own

1st you make it sound like ..Look how nice I am to this man, I named his son after him.... Then you say the only reason you gave your son his name was because he quilted you into it...
Which one was it?

Born: I can't even stand it when I get that one email during the week, confirming whether he'll be showing up or not.

Yet your going to tell us that when you hold your son and tell him daddy is coming to see him, you are not passing those same "I can't stand it " feelings on to your son?

I could probably find many more examples, but I will stop with those for now. You can't stand that this man is coming over and doesn't want to spend time with you. You pass those feelings to your son and that is why he is so tense when his dad comes over. You have caused that tension... maybe not intentionally, but you are causing it.

You tell him he needs parenting classes cause he doesn't do things the way you do them... Did you take parenting classes?

Every mention of spending extra time with your son, is followed by how he will have to spend extra time with you as well.  You need to back off and realize that this is not about you and your ex... He can see his son without you there. He can learn how to be a dad on his own, just like you are learning how to be a mom... He doesn't need you to tell him exactly how everything has to be.

As much as you say you are the one trying to encourage a relationship... I see that you are the one who is actually causing the tension.

Let dad see his son.... next time he e-mails you, e-mail him back and tell him you have plans and he needs to pick the baby up and take him to his place. Ask him if he would like you to send things for the baby or if he would like to use what he has.. If your son having a relationship with his father is as important as you said it is, then let THEM have a relationship.  
Your son may not get as many bathes with dad as he does with you, or go through as many diapers, or eat the food that you specify he has to have. His dad may parent different then you and that is okay. The more dad sees that he is able to take care of his son without having to follow your strict guidelines, he will do more.
He is rebelling against you and as immature as that may be, if you quit telling him what he HAS to do then he won't feel the need to do just the opposite.

Quit trying to communicate with her. How many times do you have to be thrown in jail and waste money defending yourself agains false charges before you stop doing what it is that keeps putting you there?

Have your lawyer take care of the ex. Have your laywer request the school information that you want.

You are going to end up with a restraining order against you and then you will have even more dificulty being a part of your sons life.

How long have the two of you been divorced? It sounds very resent.


KB

I agree with Ref, but I would add that you do not need to drive and get medical records in person. My DH and I have always done it by mail with his children who live out of state. Doctors don't like being put in the middle of ex disputes so I wouldn't go into all of that with them.
Write a letter requesting records for the specific dates you need. If that is years worth then ask for 1990 to current. Don't say anything about beign charged. Just end the request with telling them if they have any questions to contact you and provide a phone number, email address and mailing address.

We have had some doctors charge us and others have not. If there is a per page charge I can't see it being 15 or 20 dollars a page. That sounds like someone thinks you'll believe anything she tells you.

If the Doctor is going to charge you then they will either call you or write you and let you know how much it is and should tell you approximately how many pages you can plan to pay for. I would also make a call to the doctor and simply tell him or her that you are very concerned about your child and want to know if he or she would mind you calling to keep up on things since your ex wont.

worriedmom,
how old are your kids?

KB

Sorry to hear about your situation south, we all know how hard it can be and sometimes we aren't sure what to say.

From what you have said, I assume there is a custody order giving your ex custody of your son. Do you have visitation?

Don't fall into her lets get back together traps, you are only causing yourself more pain and she is probably just trying to get more ammo on you.

If you have visitation per your court order and she is keeping the child away from you, then you have the right to file contempt. Start in the state/county that the original court order was issued. It sounds like she hasn't spent long enough in another area to get a change in jurisdiction.
File a motion to enforce, or a motion to modify. If the two of you live in separate states. You may want to motify it to better suite your situation.

Sorry I don't have more for you at this point, maybe others can guide you better.

KB

I read your post last night and couldn't bring myself to reply. After reading again tonight I decided I would go ahead and tell you what I know.

I also live in Texas and have heard about the age 12 rule for kids to decide where they want to live. My ex told my daughter her whole life that when she turned 13 she could make the decision to live with him. There has been a lot of PAS on their part for many years, but I had custody.

At age 14 with a little extra attention, parties when she was grounded at home, a new cell phone and the promise from bf and sm of a car and drivers license for her 16th birthday, dd decided she didn't like me anymore and wanted to go live with bf and sm.

I did not fight but if I had, I was told by two different attorneys that it would be a big waste of money. I was told by both attorneys that unless I could prove that BF was unfit to be her parent, the judge would give dd what she wanted.

So I can't tell you that the ex with unlimited cash won't do everything she can think of to fight you and dh, I can tell you that from what I have been told, unless the move is not in the best interest of the child the judge will give her what she wants.

KB

exactly how is the CO written? Is Saturday the actual B-day of ss?

KB

sorry stillsober, I don't know anything about California law. I have searched and searched to see if I can find anything on a Friend of the court type service there in CA but haven't had much like.
I did find this site

http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/selfhelp/

Maybe you can start there. Part of my problem in looking is I don't know where things are or anything about the counties. It looks like different counties offer different services.

I guess the only thing I can really offer at this point is support and an ear, or an eye as the case may be here. lol

Keep us informed.

KB

You said you wrote a letter already. It made me think of something else.

  Be very careful what you say and how you say it. Every time you speak, or write anything pretend the judge is standing there listening to or reading every word you say or write. I say this because you never know when the things you say or the words you write are going to get handed to the judge by way of tape recording or copies of your letter.

DH's  Ex will not agree to anything that is not in the order... NOTHING!!
During times of dispute, we have found that one way to help keep her calm is to write                 cc:  Friend of the court    at the bottom of our letters. There have only been a few that have actually been forwarded to the court, but just putting that at the bottom, makes her think that we are keep the file updated with communication to protect ourselves and she usually calms down.

You might try that..

 Write her with your request, for visitation. Suggest that for the first few months you and DD only have day visits for a few hours at a time or maybe a little longer, but not overnight yet.  Write to her that you understand it has been a while since you and your daughter have been able to have a relationship and you believe it is in your daughters best interest to start slowly and work your way up to regular visitation. Mention how it saddens you that she has felt the need to keep your daughter from seeing you and meeting you for visitation. And that part of your recovery is to make amends to those you have wronged. Tell her that although you understand that she felt it was in your DD best interest to keep her from having a relationship with you, you feel that the time has come to change that and that you feel it is in your DD best interest to establish a relationship with you again.

That was kind of a sample. 1) there is nothing said there that would tell the judge you are being vengeful,. 2) at no point to you degrade BM and you actually speak as though you believe she felt she was acting in your DD best interest. 3) You mention your recovery in a positive light. 4) you bring attention to the fact that she has been denying you visitation form some time (positively)
You see where I'm going with this? There is no threat, you are totally keeping your daughters best interest in mind and the things you are saying show that. If she threw your letter in front of a judge, you would have nothing to fear.
Give her 30 days to respond or you will pursue legal options in the best interest of your daughter.

There is hope! Keep plugging along, it will happen for you and it will be wonderful!

KB