Messages

>If I want more children, then I have to decide if I can
>afford it. If the NCP can continue to support his first
>children then go ahead. (same with me). Just because the NCP
>decides to have a second family does not mean our child should
>have to get less financial support. The point is that once a
>support order is put into place, the NCP should not be
>involved in what the NCP does after and not have to worry if
>they go off and have 3 more children. When you married your
>DH, you knew of his obligation for his first two and decided
>you could have more. (not sure if he is NCP but if he is...his
>first children should not have their support reduced because
>you are having a child). It is not about loving the child it
>is about paying the bills. Why should child number one get
>less because NCP is having more children? Your next child will
>have both parents in the house supporting him/her.  


Why should child number one get less because NCP is having more children?  When anyone decides to have additional children, it is implicitly understood that both children will receive less because there are two (or three, or seven).  In one minute, you make $40,000 to split between 3 people, and in the next, you have $40,000 to split between 4 people.  It is simple mathematics.  In an intact family situation, the parents make the decisions how to lower their costs together.  In a broken situation, the NCP is left out in the cold.  A court tells him that he has to pay for the child's college, even if that means the 2nd child gets nothing.  In an intact situation, the NCP would be able to say - I will provide 5 grand to each child at hs graduation to use as they will, or whatever the family sees as affordable.  Not so in a broken situation.  The court and the CP can demand their paycheck without allowing the NCP to parent in an appropriate way.  Intact family says, if you don't keep a B average and have a part-time job to put away money, we will not pay for college... and this parenting encourages the student to keep up on their studies and learn to be a responsible, time-managing adult.  That's non-existent in a broken home, because dad is the wallet, not the disciplinarian.  As someone else pointed out, in many CS support situations, the CP will have their support increased because now they have multiple children for whom to provide.  That makes sense to you?  NCP has to pay more for his child because you have to support another child?

I'll be sure to let my soon to be born child know that he should have nothing because his sister (who I love with all my heart) needs to have everything.

Now though, you have a problem where you are intentionally punishing good dads for the sins of the deadbeats, and that's not fair or just either.

Too late... been there, done that... :-)

Child has been in this school for 7 years now (I did the math wrong earlier).  Mom has gone in to the school and told them sob stories about how horrible Dad is.  Dad has gone in, and asked for simple things, like copies of report cards, or his info on emergency card, and been pooh-poohed and then forgotten.  Mom had second grade teacher write a cert in a previous case stating that Dad was intimidating because they were members of the same church and Dad liked to hang out near the front doors, so the teacher felt she needed to sneak out the back door... I kid you not, she was nuts... even an elder of the church agreed that she was special and care needed to be taken with her.  She was also the teacher who informed us that Mom would go to the school at the start of every year and tell the teacher how rough life is on child because she has to see Dad.  Dad had an agreement with 4th grade teacher that when the weekly homework sheet was signed by the parents, she would expect the parents signatures on alternate weeks, so if she didn't see Dad's signature, she would know that Dad hadn't seen work, and she would step in.  It worked well until Mom accused Dad of taking schoolwork from the packet, and unilaterally told the teacher that they would be no longer doing things this way, and that she would forward copies of schoolwork to dad without signature.  Needless to say, Dad saw no more schoolwork that year.  

He has spoken to the principal, both the elementary and now the middle school principal.  The elementary principal told him they would do all they could, but then seemingly wasn't able to force the child's 5th grade teacher to return phone calls over 3 MONTHS!!!.  Three times a week, we would call the school to speak with this teacher, because he wasn't sending any work to us, and the secretary would show surprise that he wasn't calling, and she said that she informed the principal, but nothing happened.  One day when I was in the school to pick something up from another teacher, the principal saw me, and told me that she would have the nonresponsive teacher come talk to me... which she did... of course, mom got a call from someone at the school saying that I was having a conference re: child, and stormed in because I have no rights to gather info... teacher told mom that dad had asked him to give the info to me (stepmom)... That same principal has been child's reading teacher for two years now, and has sent nothing to him at all, even though she clearly knows who he is, and what he has asked for.

Six months before child transferred to middle school, dad called four times asking to have a meeting with the principal to arrange how communications could go... no response.  In an email with principal this year, principal stated that dad was on the generic email list, and the generic mailing list, but that any flyers that went home directly with the students would not be provided.  We have missed athletic games, academic honor ceremonies, and notification of other achievements because notification goes directly to mom.  Mom says school provides all info, even though dad has told her, and quoted the school, that they cannot provide any specific info about child's schooling directly to him.  

They sent the welcome packet at the beginning of the year, but removed all of the parent participation parts... the emergency cards, the internet usage forms, volunteer forms.  Of course, they include all of the fundraising stuff :-)  We have asked to know how much the child's tuition is, and they will not release that because the payment comes from Mom.

It's already adversarial, since Mom continues to tell the teachers and the administrators what a weasel Dad is.  The school went electronic with report cards this year, and even though Dad has been in contact with the school every year, no one notified him and sent him a username/password that was provided to "every parent".  It took half the year before we discovered that they went electronic and got information for him.

So, attendance records are not required to be kept?  I read somewhere that it was a parent's right to have corrections made... do you think it would be improper for Dad to request that the TRO paperwork be removed, since it does not apply to this school at all, and it was dropped before any FRO hearing was made... The grounds were that dad sharpened his army knife in front of mom and that while cleaning up their bedroom, a coloring book was tossed across the room and hit mom in the face.  It was in place for less than a month... just enough time for mom to have a police office come to help her remove the groceries from the kitchen... (kid you not, she tried to take the ritz crackers)...

Received school records from child's private school. Had sent a FERPA-type letter stating request for all school ... the line requesting the school records read...I would also like to request a complete copy of xxxxxxxxx's entire school record from the time she entered (name of school) until the present day, to include any correspondence with parents, records of disciplinary action, grades, and any other notes which teachers and parents may have placed within.

What was received was a packet containing two letters to NCP copied to the school, several (but not all) years of achievement testing sheets, forms from two teachers outlining contents of parent/teacher conferences (child has been in the school six years). There is a copy of a letter from NCP's attorney, which had been forwarded to the school by CP after an incorrect address was used, but not the letter the CP attached to that letter stating how unreasonable NCP was being (this letter was copied to NCP at the time by CP). There is one report card from 2nd grade and one interim report from this year. There are no other grades. There is a copy of the child's original public school registration form, but no registration information for the private school.

 There are no attendance records, although there is one note from NCP excusing child from school because of a cold. There are no records of disciplinary action, including detention, and we've been told that she has had detentions over the years. There is no emergency card. It seems very spotty, incomplete, and random. Is this the way school records are? Do they not include disciplinary and attendance records? The principal and a teacher in the elementary school each wrote certifications for previous court motions, and these are not included, although a copy of a restraining order against NCP which is dated the day that the CP left the marital home and was dismissed before the hearing by the CP, and before the child entered the private school, although it could have been placed in the file by the previous public school, was included.

So, am I wrong to think this is hinky?

Thanks,

>My husband has lived outside of canada for years and only
>come back once a while during last 5 years. I proposed the
>divorce last year, but he is not very coorperative and asks
>for sth unreasonable, such as not paying child support, and
>asking me to pay him back the money he gave me for living
>during the past years. He has stopped paying any money since
>this April.
>
>If he comes back to Canada again, I don't want him to stay
>with me anymore. Do I have the right to refuse him to stay
>with me?
>
>He doesn't want to get divorced. Can I file a divorce alone by
>myself? I would like to know how to do this even though he is
>not coorperative.
>

I'm not in Canada, nor am I a lawyer, so this isn't legal advice, but parties do not have to be in agreement to divorce, in my understanding.  You file the papers, have him served, and a judge orders the dissolution of the marriage.  

Once again, not in Canada, not a lawyer, but I would think that you can change your locks or not open the door, and make hm sleep somewhere else...

>My husband has lived outside of canada for years and only
>come back once a while during last 5 years. I proposed the
>divorce last year, but he is not very coorperative and asks
>for sth unreasonable, such as not paying child support, and
>asking me to pay him back the money he gave me for living
>during the past years. He has stopped paying any money since
>this April.
>
>If he comes back to Canada again, I don't want him to stay
>with me anymore. Do I have the right to refuse him to stay
>with me?
>
>He doesn't want to get divorced. Can I file a divorce alone by
>myself? I would like to know how to do this even though he is
>not coorperative.
>

I'm not in Canada, nor am I a lawyer, so this isn't legal advice, but parties do not have to be in agreement to divorce, in my understanding.  You file the papers, have him served, and a judge orders the dissolution of the marriage.  

Once again, not in Canada, not a lawyer, but I would think that you can change your locks or not open the door, and make hm sleep somewhere else...

Melissa,

I think what many people are saying reflect the natural frustration that we get from being steps in this situation - we have no control, we have no voice, we have no rights. Yes, it is awfully darn frustrating.  But what must be more frustrating is that the kids feel the same way.  This isn't about my feelings and frustrations, this is about my sd, and I'm going to do what is right to parent her.

We are born again Christians, and we firmly believe that the natural, God-intended family is a household led by a strong, spiritual father, and maintained by a strong, spiritual mother.  My sd does not receive that image anywhere but at our house, even though she is sent to a Christian school by a mother who professes to be a Christian.  If I do not stand firm and mother her like a mother, regardless of whether she is in my custody or not, then I am letting down both her and God.  I cannot do that.  

That means I have got to be there at every event.  That means that I have to grow her, get involved in her life, and mother her.  If I don't, she doesn't know what a family looks like.

Please remember, that in life, there are no petty things... signing a card is not petty, picking her up is not petty... hugging her at the end of the visit is not petty... this is being a mom...


>I have to say I'm a little confused by everyone's answers. It
>seems most people believe it's better for the Stepkids if
>Stepparents just stay out of the way. But what about when the
>Stepkids come to Stepparents house? Aren't the kids going to
>learn that they don't have to respect their Stepparents
>because one of their Bio-parents doesn't?? I would think this
>would make visitation or parenting time difficult.
>
>
>ILOVEMYSD:
>
>I agree with you when you say we need to teach our children
>principles. You are right, if we let BM get away with
>everything just becuase she acts badly then SD WILL copy her.
>We DO NOT want that.
>
>In my opinion, all parties need to act like adults. I figure,
>if one party is incapable of doing so then the other adults
>need to stand up and make a good example. In other words, if
>BM continues to act like their 5yr old daughter then fiance
>and I will show SD what a family is supposed to be like. I'm
>sure BM will hate this but hey, if you can't beat em', join
>em'.
>
>I'm sure that if I continue to sign cards BM will be ticked
>but I think it's better to show SD that I do love her and that
>I am not going to stop loving her just becuase her mother
>doesn't like it. When it comes to petty things I won't bother
>but I'm not going to miss something important becuase of BM.

You're just going to have to stop thinking about principles, and suck it up. Sorry, but it's true....

I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with this statement.  Not thinking about principles is how our society has gotten into this mess in the first place.  Not thinking that the family is a necessary unit, not thinking that fathers are necessary, not thinking that it is absolutely vital to show children strong examples of what a family looks like is disastrous to the future of our children and their children.

This is not about BM or SM, this is about SD, and she needs to see a strong father figure who leads his family.  She needs to see how two supportive parents work together.  She needs to understand what a mom is supposed to do, and a mom is not suppose to allow her child to be hurt, emotionally or physically.  If the BF and SM in this situation do not show this child these things, she will not understand, and it will be all too easy for her to forget any principles she has when the road gets rocky in her marriage, or when the chance for a one night stand comes up, or when she can cheat on a test, etc., etc.  If we stand for nothing, we fall for everything, right?

Our goal here should be to teach our children how to have a strong marriage.  A strong marriage does not look like someone sneaking around the back of an auditorium, or avoiding conflict just to make an irrational being happy.

My SD is going through some horrendous internal conflict right now, and it would be so easy to let her off the hook and tell her that she's only 11 and she doesn't have to deal with this crap.  But I'm telling you, it is not the easy times that build our characters, it is the horrendous, sticky times, and that is when we need to teach our children to stand up for what is truly right.

As much as you might not want to see the SD begging you to not make her go back to her mom, allowing your SD to see the consequences of irrational and spiteful behavior is truly the best way to teach her not to be irrational and spiteful.  If you reward BM by giving in to her behavior, SD sees that the behavior is the best way to get what she wants.

The truth is never, ever something to hide from.  Don't teach your SD to do that.

I don't have time to write a full message, but I wanted to give some encouragement and some info.  Don't cancel the appointment.  Do recognize that this is not something your sd will grow out of.  This is a coping mechanism most likely because she is working so hard not to feel anything about the emotions in her life.  They might be too much for her to handle.  Because of this, she walks around feeling empty.  After a bit, she will feel the urge of the emotions start to come out, and so she will cut, not because it feels good, but because she has to give these emotions an outlet in a way that she can control.  Cutting feels good to her because it is a way to express her anger, sadness, frustration, happiness, joy, you name it.  She will not stop this behavior without therapy to help her learn how to cope with feeling her emotions in a healthy way.

Do not forcibly stop her from cutting unless she is harming her actual life, and I'm not talking about scars on her arm.  You will see that she will pick at the cuts, she will pinch her lips, she will do all sorts of things that are designed to make her feel small amounts of what is filling her.  If you stop her from cutting, she will have no outlet.  This is emotionally dangerous, more so than if she cuts.  If you absolutely need her to stop, give her a "safe" substitute... give her an ice cube and tell her to press it against her skin... this will create a non-scarring, non life threatening substitute, but it will not help in the long run.

There is not getting away from this, and it is not a phase.  Even if she cuts one time, she will move on to more "appropriate" self destructive behaviors - alcoholism, promiscuity, etc.  She needs the counselor, and she needs all of her parents involved.  This is serious s*it, and you can't keep her mother out of it thinking it will pass.

Good luck, and feel free to PM me... I've got lots of experience and knowledge about this subject...

In NJ.  12yo sd.  Parents have joint legal w/mom parent of primary...

SD has asked that arrangements for "unscheduled times" ie, holidays which are ordered to be split but require parental communication to arrange times, be arranged through her because of her mother's family's beratement of her father and the negotiations which must go on to allow anything.

This was followed for close to a year when dad decided that this wasn't doing sd any good, because she was afraid to speak up when she wanted to see dad, especially if she thought mom might have plans.  So, for Memorial Day, dad sent an email explaining this and asked to see sd on Memorial Day.  About 41 hours passed before reply (abnormal, typically reply is immediate upon reading), which says that daughter will be available from 1-6, and that grandmom will pick sd at 6pm at neutral drop off location.  We knew, from sd, that mom was getting married that weekend, but sd had insinuated that mom would be hanging out with her on Monday at a friend's house, so we gathered that there was no honeymoon.

Pick up at 1pm... sd was with mom's best friend, and not Mom.  
Took sd to fly a kite, sd passed out after 45 minutes from heat exhaustion.  Paramedics were called, instructed dad on what to do.  When sd was asked where mom was, were told that she was on the other side of the country on her honeymoon.  Dad called Mom to provide information and left a message stating an emergency.  Over an hour later, she called back, he advised as to the condition, said that he felt that it was in sd's best interest to be with a parent that night who could authorize medical attention, rather than her grandparents.  He told her he could drop sd back to the grandparents the next day.  Mom would be on her honeymoon apparently until Thursday.  Mom asked to speak to sd, asked sd if she wanted to go home.  SD said that she had homework to do.  This conversation was on speakerphone.  Phone went back to dad, still on speaker, when mom informed him that he was to have sd back by 6:10 at the latest, or she'd take the necessary steps of calling her lawyer, and his personal counselor, and the police.  She hung up on him.

At 6pm on the dot, the phone rang.  It was a police officer, calling from grandma's cell phone, wanting to know if dad was going to return sd.  Dad explained that it was in sd's best interest to remain that night with a parent who could authorize her medical care.  Police officer said he thought that it was in sd's best interest to go home where her school uniform and school books were.  Dad advised the officer that he had no problem picking those things up, but that for the night, he felt that sd needed to stay with a parent.  Police officer threatened to write his noncooperation in his DV report.  Dad said he understood.  Police officer asked to speak with sd, who very reluctantly did.  She told him that she had a headache and wanted to stay where she was.  Finally, it was worked out that sd would be returned to the neutral spot and her grandparents at 6:30am the next morning.  No further mention was made of her school books.  She fell asleep by 8pm and didn't wake up until the next morning when it was time to go.

Exchange was done without incident.  According to sd, she talked to mom, who offered sd the chance to stay home from school, with the understanding that she would have tons of makeup work.  Sd decided to stay home (wise choice, and one we had advised her on, as it was supposed to be 95 degrees, high humidity, and her school does not have very good air conditioning).

At 9:30am, the counselor called because mom had called her.  It seemed from the conversation that she had no knowledge of a medical emergency, and simply had been told that there was a disagreement over whether sd should go home on Monday night.  Mom had asked her to call back, but counselor advised that she was not going to because this was not her place, but did allow us to schedule an emergency appt. for the weekend (sd has been attending the counseling sessions as well)

SD was brought for dinner on wednesday night with a bottle of water and snack in case she was taken to the park again.

No further sounds have been heard...

Does anyone have any thoughts or ideas?