Show-down -The BM vs. The New Woman

[melissa3]

I have to say I'm a little confused by everyone's answers. It seems most people believe it's better for the Stepkids if Stepparents just stay out of the way. But what about when the Stepkids come to Stepparents house? Aren't the kids going to learn that they don't have to respect their Stepparents because one of their Bio-parents doesn't?? I would think this would make visitation or parenting time difficult.


ILOVEMYSD:

I agree with you when you say we need to teach our children principles. You are right, if we let BM get away with everything just becuase she acts badly then SD WILL copy her. We DO NOT want that.

In my opinion, all parties need to act like adults. I figure, if one party is incapable of doing so then the other adults need to stand up and make a good example. In other words, if BM continues to act like their 5yr old daughter then fiance and I will show SD what a family is supposed to be like. I'm sure BM will hate this but hey, if you can't beat em', join em'.

I'm sure that if I continue to sign cards BM will be ticked but I think it's better to show SD that I do love her and that I am not going to stop loving her just becuase her mother doesn't like it. When it comes to petty things I won't bother but I'm not going to miss something important becuase of BM.

[ilovemysd]

Melissa,

I think what many people are saying reflect the natural frustration that we get from being steps in this situation - we have no control, we have no voice, we have no rights. Yes, it is awfully darn frustrating.  But what must be more frustrating is that the kids feel the same way.  This isn't about my feelings and frustrations, this is about my sd, and I'm going to do what is right to parent her.

We are born again Christians, and we firmly believe that the natural, God-intended family is a household led by a strong, spiritual father, and maintained by a strong, spiritual mother.  My sd does not receive that image anywhere but at our house, even though she is sent to a Christian school by a mother who professes to be a Christian.  If I do not stand firm and mother her like a mother, regardless of whether she is in my custody or not, then I am letting down both her and God.  I cannot do that.  

That means I have got to be there at every event.  That means that I have to grow her, get involved in her life, and mother her.  If I don't, she doesn't know what a family looks like.

Please remember, that in life, there are no petty things... signing a card is not petty, picking her up is not petty... hugging her at the end of the visit is not petty... this is being a mom...


>I have to say I'm a little confused by everyone's answers. It
>seems most people believe it's better for the Stepkids if
>Stepparents just stay out of the way. But what about when the
>Stepkids come to Stepparents house? Aren't the kids going to
>learn that they don't have to respect their Stepparents
>because one of their Bio-parents doesn't?? I would think this
>would make visitation or parenting time difficult.
>
>
>ILOVEMYSD:
>
>I agree with you when you say we need to teach our children
>principles. You are right, if we let BM get away with
>everything just becuase she acts badly then SD WILL copy her.
>We DO NOT want that.
>
>In my opinion, all parties need to act like adults. I figure,
>if one party is incapable of doing so then the other adults
>need to stand up and make a good example. In other words, if
>BM continues to act like their 5yr old daughter then fiance
>and I will show SD what a family is supposed to be like. I'm
>sure BM will hate this but hey, if you can't beat em', join
>em'.
>
>I'm sure that if I continue to sign cards BM will be ticked
>but I think it's better to show SD that I do love her and that
>I am not going to stop loving her just becuase her mother
>doesn't like it. When it comes to petty things I won't bother
>but I'm not going to miss something important becuase of BM.

[wendl]

Welcome to the club.

I have been with my dh for 6yrs now, I am the stepmother to his children.  When DH and I 1st started dating ex tried crying, leaving flowers and notes on his car, suddenly deciding to drive 60 miles to pick up the kids you name it.  BUT it didn't work, dh and I would not let this woman come between u and we refuse to fight about her too.

Live you life and do what you have been doing.  Ignore the woman.  The old phrase "Kill them with kindness" Is my favorite saying.  You do not have to like this woman, but when you see her smile and be friendly but do not say more than you need to.  No not stoop to her level and continue to love your DH and his daughter.  

Eventually it bites them all in the ass, sometimes it takes awhile but it will happen.

Stay clear of the drama and focus on your family and don't worry about the ex.

**These are my opinions, they are not legal advice**

[topnotchdad]

>I'm sorry, but I have to disagree with this statement.  Not
>thinking about principles is how our society has gotten into
>this mess in the first place.  Not thinking that the family is
>a necessary unit, not thinking that fathers are necessary, not
>thinking that it is absolutely vital to show children strong
>examples of what a family looks like is disastrous to the
>future of our children and their children.

You are entitled to your opinion, but please don't imply that I ever said that fathers are not necessary!   That is not what I was saying AT ALL.  I was just trying to point out that avoiding conflict is usually the easiest way to get BM to start cooperating with you instead of being bitter and hating you.  I'm sure there are lots of ways to look at the problem, I was just sharing my experience, and some things I wish I had been strong enough to do.  When BF and I were first together, I was not strong enough to swallow my pride, and this really made things a lot harder for SD because BM hated me so much and I gave her plenty of fuel for the fire.

>
>
>Our goal here should be to teach our children how to have a
>strong marriage.  A strong marriage does not look like someone
>sneaking around the back of an auditorium, or avoiding
>conflict just to make an irrational being happy.

Well, I suppose if I was sneaking around on my husband, that wouldn't be a strong marriage, would it?  But that wasn't the point of what I was saying.  There are times in life where you just have to bite your tongue, suck it up, and get over it.  If you don't teach your children that, they will eventually wind up getting in trouble for talking back in school, fired from a job for insubordination, etc.  In melissa3's situation, BM is in control right now (because she is the primary custodian).  A judge will want to see that BF is trying to cooperate, co-parent, and get along with BM if you guys want to get a chance at 50/50.  That means that you're going to have to try not to piss her off for awhile.  Not forever, just for awhile.  That's my opinion, and I"m entitled to it.

>
>As much as you might not want to see the SD begging you to not
>make her go back to her mom, allowing your SD to see the
>consequences of irrational and spiteful behavior is truly the
>best way to teach her not to be irrational and spiteful.

Can you not give your hugs and good-byes before BM gets there?  What is so wrong with that?


  If
>you reward BM by giving in to her behavior, SD sees that the
>behavior is the best way to get what she wants.

Have you ever successfully ARGUED your way out of a speeding ticket?  Maybe beg, plead, flirt, and sweet-talk, but arguing doesn't work.  Doesn't matter if you were actually speeding or not.....there's just no point in arguing about it.    THink of BM as a bad cop--has some power, and loves to flaunt and abuse it.



>
>The truth is never, ever something to hide from.  Don't teach
>your SD to do that.
>


BTW--after 6 years together with BF and SD, I am the "mother" figure in her life.  No, she doesn't call me mom, and I don't ask her to.  But I'm the one who takes her to lessons, activities, school stuff, etc.  I'm the one who taught her to ride a bike, to read, etc.  She knows how her mom is, and she knows that I love her with all my heart.  I don't think she thinks less of me b/c she knows that I avoid conflict with BM.  It was years ago, when I stubbornly stuck to my principles without regard to whether they would infuriate BM or not, that's when I was barred from activities, school, etc.  When I starting avoiding conflict, that's when BM started letting us see SD more, enroll her in activities, etc.    That's just my experience.  Yours may be different....