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I wouldn't expect anything to change.  My osd is actually getting worse - she won't come here or allow her son to come here even though he begs to go see Grampa.  She says it's because I'm so physically and emotionally abusive. 

She is "remembering" everything that her mother made up about me and tried to get me arrested for and is also "remembering" other stuff that I did to her and her brother & sister.

The whole thing is weird because she'd actually been ok for about three years but in the last year (she moved into the same trailer park as her mother) she's deteriorating at a very rapid rate.

DH called her a week ago and told her to grow up and knock of the crap about me and now she won't talk to him either.

So, ysd has a 7 month old little girl who spends nearly every weekend with us due to ysd's work schedule.  From the time ysd went back to work Jan 1st, daddy (loser boy is a better name) will "babysit" (his word) baby while ysd works.  As soon as ysd is home he is totally hands off except for fun stuff, and then not much of that either - too busy playing the xBox or "working" on his "music" (he thinks he's going to have a career as a rapper.  Ysd works from 7am to between 2 & 3pm.  Daddy doesn't get out of bed till 10am or so and leaves baby in her crib unless she is really shrieking.  In fact, he sleeps so sound, I would guess that he doesn't even hear her.  About 3 weeks ago they decided to be "just friends" and see other people even though they would continue living in her apartment together.

Ok, all that aside, a week and a half ago, ysd scared the hell out of us around 11pm on a Wed. night.  We're in bed no later than 10:30 and I'm usually sleeping by 9:30.  She shows up hysterical, baby is freaking out and it turns out that ysd got a text message from an old boyfriend who wanted to chat.  "Daddy" slapped ysd twice, then took her cell phone away to check the messages.  While he had it, ysd picked up baby to comfort baby (baby was scared) and another pic text came in from the old bf.  Daddy came out with the phone and punched ysd - she still had a black eye two days ago.

WE called the police, she made a report and they arrested daddy.  He was in jail for like a week before getting to court and she visited with baby every day.  He got out with conditions - OFP is in place and all that.  Ysd doesn't think that's fair so she's seeing him again.  Along with letting him use the car we JUST sold to her that is still in MY name (he doesn't have a DL either btw).  I let her have it on that.  I also told her that I don't want anything to do with the man because I don't trust him - under oath he agreed to no contact yet he violates that every day, multiple times a day.  She says he's changed.  Oh, PLEASE!  I want to throw up.  He says he's going to get counseling for anger management but has made no efforts to do so while waiting for sentencing.  He's going to wait to see what the court says he needs to do.  Yep, he's changed all right, hasn't he?

She wants to write a letter to the judge requesting the OFP be dropped and the local women's shelter will help her, but in order to do so, ysd must attend a group safety planning session at the shelter.  She wants to do something individual instead because discussing these issues isn't something she does in a group type of thing.  AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  I told her that the purpose of the group is for her to interact with other women like herself, and she said "yeah, that's ok".

The only saving grace is that he pled guilty to a gross misdemeanor (it is his 2nd one in MN within 10 years) so the next time he hits her he'll go to prison as it'll be a felony.

His family came from Chicago to Minneapolis then to our town.  I wish he'd go back to either Chicago or Minneapolis - I don't care which because ysd may be making stupid decisions regarding Daddy, but she has already told him she won't leave our town when he brought it up once. 

Anyway, done venting.  Dh is tired of hearing it because he can't do anything either.  We both simply try not to think about it as sad as that sounds.  We can't change anything and when we think about it we worry and get angry with daddy.  Not a fun life - especially since we have plenty of other stuff to worry about. 

Ok, here is the info as far as I know it...

Dad & Mom married several years, they have 3 boys 5/6 & under and one daughter (YD) about 8 who was from Mom's prior relationship, but Dad has legally adopted.  Dad has one daughter (OD) who is 19/20 yo from his prior marriage.

Mom has been physically assaultive to OD (it's kind of mutual) and they both have court cases pending against them.  Mom has denied everything, but recently the youngest boy spilled his guts to Dad about what he witnessed happening.  Mom refuses to allow OD to set foot in the house now.

Dad & Mom argue a LOT, most of the time with the kids around.

Dad owned the house prior to marriage and deed is in his name only as well as mortgage.  Mom has not worked throughout the marriage until approximately two months ago and she quit that job after several weeks.  She is licensed as an RN.  She has threatened to take the kids and everything he has away from him if they end up in a divorce.

Mom has been diagnosed with schizophrenia but is not med compliant.  Even when she does take her meds, she doesn't always take them like she is supposed to.

Dad has been talking about possible divorce for a while, but isn't prepared to go that far yet.

Last week Mom was admitted to the psych ward of the local hospital, she might be released today or tomorrow, but also might be admitted elsewhere for a 30 day evaluation.  Since her admission happened, OD has been staying with Dad and helping with the younger kids.

Dad is afraid for his and the kids' safety if she comes home.  He filed for an OFP, however, the judge denied it saying that Dad's reasons didn't meet the requirement threshold.

Minnesota allows legal separation but there aren't any forms specific to that published - just divorce forms.  I honestly don't think he can really afford an attorney, but we're going to recommend that he contact one if only for a consult.  I also found Temporary Relief with Children forms which ARE divorce forms, but not for final orders.  I'm going to print them out for him as well and explain to him that it isn't the final step of divorce, they could always withdraw the Divorce petition, but it'll get him in a stable place where he & the kids would be/feel safe.  I'm recommending that he ask for the house, the suburban (not paid off - and she can't pay it), legal/physical custody with supervised visitation with a supervisor of HIS choice or in a supervision center.

Does anyone have any other input/ideas that I could pass on to him?

Ok, child support court was this morning.  Dh went in loaded for bear, lol.  Then, pbfh stood up and said that she doesn't know why the county filed this and doesn't want/need the extra money, just the medical/dental insurance.

Hmmmm.

So, dh came home, we drafted a Stipulation keeping cs at it's current level, dh will provide insurance and dh gets the tax deduction each year.  Plus everything except the insurance ends when he is 18 and finishes high school (graduates, drops out, etc).  Insurance continues as long as he is eligible.  She signed the 8332 form 2010-2014 AND they're on their way to get the stipulation signed & notarized.  Once we get the order that results from court today, dh will file the stipulation and order overriding it.

Soooo, the question is, WHO instigated the child support modification?  She says she didn't.  Dh didn't.  Would the county do it on their own when the kid is going to be 18 in 5 months?  OR, could it be possible that someone else called the county and got them riled up enough to do it?  (Dh's sister WOULD do that if she could).

I don't know, in any case, I think it's worked out - once the stip is signed.   

BTW, just having her in my house again gave me the creepy crawlies!!!!

We got all medical/dental/mental health related records as well.  However, we knew where to go for dr. info as there's only two main clinics in the area so we went to both (and got stuff from both!) and those records contained references to other practitioners at different locations, including mental/behavioral, dental and other specialties.

One thing to note, however, is that MN is a little more open/proactive regarding mental health than other states, I believe.  At least that's what I was told by a practitioner once.  Or perhaps it was just the mental health facility at that time - it's been about 8 years now, things could be a LOT different.

In MN, we also have the statement the original poster was referring to.  For yss, his mother had/has sole legal and sole physical, however, the state law trumped the CO because the CO did not specifically state that dh could NOT have the information.  We got everything, everytime, however, we did have to go to the superintendent of one school district - amazing how nice the principal was once he got his hand slapped.

Thanks for all the feedback everyone.  You've all made very good points - I fought like hell for my dh to have his kids in his life because they needed him but I'm just going to let this slide?  No, I can't do that.  So I won't if it comes to that. 

Given all that's going on, however, I think that it may be a slam dunk for daddy.  She told him to apply for medical assistance in his county so that he could go to school (Head Start) up there.  Sounds like she's giving him up, but I also can see her running up there and grabbing LO as soon as she's served because if he ends up with custody, she loses that control.  God she reminds me of her father lately.  ugh. 

I guess I'll just wait and see where the wind takes me...

Thanks again for helping me to put a little more objective perspective on this situation.

Ok, you read about my dd before.  I'm REALLY stressed now because she's basically giving her child away so she can party!  I had SERIOUS concerns about the little one's daddy, but since he's had LO 50+ percent of the time, he's been stepping up to the plate.  According to "sources" that we trust pretty well, he hasn't been partying at all when the LO is up there, but he has been taking any and every odd job he can find so that he can have money to buy food, diapers, etc. for him.  Everytime dd takes LO to daddy, she has no diapers left.  Daddy buys diapers then when LO goes back to dd, daddy sends the remainder of the diapers with - because dd doesn't have any.  She appears to be timing the transfer to happen just as she runs out.   Daddy still parties, just not when he's got LO.

My dd is calling in sick to work saying that she caught what LO has even though LO is up at daddy's and dd hasn't been within 150 miles of LO in over a week.  She has been talked to by the managers about calling in so much - she's only had the job about 5 weeks!  She moved in with a guy who is in the bar a minimum of 4 nights per week and gets his kids e/o weekend but leaves them with a babysitter on Saturday nights to go to the bar.  On the nights that they aren't at the bar, they're watching football or playing poker and drinking like fish.  THIS info comes directly from dd.  When she does have LO (at least around us) she's screaming at him to leave her alone.  The poor kid just wants some attention from mommy but she's always tired, texting, having a cigarette (outside without him), hungover or a combination of these - or getting ready to go out somewhere (partying or work, sometimes both).

Poor LO has been sick since Thursday and daddy took him to the ER, dd didn't go up there, presumably she was at the bar playing poker since Thursdays are poker night at the local bar and they NEVER, EVER miss it.  She'd called into work earlier on Thursday and said she had to take care of LO.  The poor kid is still sick (NOT a virus the ER doc told daddy) and dd hasn't called us to tell us how he's doing or what is even wrong with him like she promised.  DH finally called daddy who told us what was up, DH called again today and daddy said that if LO isn't feeling any better by tomorrow morning, he's taking him back in.  Daddy says that dd calls, but is usually drinking and that they just get into a fight.

At this point daddy is pulling his weight and I think he'll win if he files for custody.  Honestly I think he should because my dd certainly isn't behaving as if she wants to be mommy.  If he cleans up his act (and maybe having this responsibility with be the trigger - who knows?) it would be a good thing.   

Anyway, I can't openly "endorse" daddy, but I'll be damned if I'll support dd in a custody battle as long as she continues like this.  That little boy needs stability and parents (at LEAST one) who wants him and wants to be daddy/mommy.  I'm screwed with my dd, I know.  If I don't help her, she'll hate me, even though I don't believe she should have him at this point.  But, she'll just have to hate me, I guess. 

Depending upon how things play out, dh and I may attempt to obtain custody.  At this point, neither of them are "bad" enough that we have a chance of succeeding.  Not to mention that I don't want to take my dd's son away from her - I'd rather she get her act together.

She did go pick him up last Thursday and now has moved in with a guy she dated prior to getting together with the little one's daddy.  That's who she's been partying with so who knows how this will go when they have a little one full-time.  She'd dragged her younger stepsister up 3.5 hours north of here to pick him up then bailed on her stepsister leaving her to find her way home after giving her bad directions.  I flipped on her because her stepsister called us up crying as she was driving the opposite direction of home.  So dd decided to move - she's tired of having nothing and being treated like a child.  Well, if the shoe fits.

Anyway, she works closing at Arby's about 5 blocks from our home and we're her daycare so we'll get to spend a lot of time with the little one and make sure that he's got some stability.

My dd is 22 yo and has a 2-1/2 yo little boy.  She broke up/moved out of the home with her bf (daddy) 5 weeks ago.  We spent a LOT of money going to get her and bring her stuff back along with the little one.  We spent a lot of money stocking our fridge & cupboards with food a toddler eats (at least what this one eats).  We loaned her our vehicle, loaned her money for gas, loaned her money for cigarettes.  We let her slide on last month's cell phone bill.

She left the guy because he was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to her.  She never called the police though - didn't want to put her son's daddy in jail.  She was the primary provider and caretaker of the little one.  She had a job and while she was at work, the little one was in daycare.  Daddy didn't work, instead he stayed at home all day/night drank, smoked dope and did God knows what else and told dd that he was too busy to take care of the little one when she was at work.

Daddy's brother-in-law owns a company that is and always has (15 years now) done EXTREMELY well.  I would have to say that he & sister pull down about $500K per year AFTER taxes, etc.  NOT kidding, this guy and his brother hit the jackpot with their business model.  So, paying for an attorney - a GOOD attorney - will not be a problem.  We've been telling dd that she needs to get a parenting time agreement put together and get daddy to sign it.  She hasn't done it.

Now is my issue - she was here 6 days when she sent the little one 3-1/2 hours to daddy's for a week - and had no way of picking him up the following weekend (our extra vehicle is not reliable enough to go that far).  She found a friend who was coming near our town from there and managed to arrange for the friend to bring him home.  She then had him for the next week during which she got a part-time job. 

The first day was the following Monday and she had to work from 2pm to 4pm, after that day, she didn't start till 4pm or later which was expected.  We'd taken the insurance off the extra vehicle because we couldn't afford it till she could start paying at least for gas.  DH and I were not able to babysit due to our own jobs and she claimed that she couldn't find anyone to babysit that first day because she didn't have a vehicle to drive so she sent the little one back up north to daddy's again without having any way to pick him up.

The following Sunday daddy was at his sister's which is about 5 miles from our home.  He didn't tell dd that he was in town, instead, packed little one up at the end of the day and took him back north.  That was last Sunday, at this time, she hasn't gotten little one back.  In the meantime, she's partying her a** off like she doesn't care and we got in a HUGE fight about it.

I think she's being set up.  She certainly can't use his drug and alcohol usage against him or the whole caretaking thing when she voluntarily sends him up there to stay for weeks on end.  And she says "oh, he won't do that".  AAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!  I'm just grandma!  If she doesn't want him, daddy will get him.  Then he'll revert to his old ways and HIS parents will end up taking care of the little one!  And his mother uses drugs too!!!!!  The younger brother uses and deals!  His dad is disabled and has trouble walking, much less taking care of a toddler.

There isn't a damn thing I can do and it's driving me crazy!  The only way DH and I will ever be able to do anything is if the above really happens and my dd doesn't straighten her act up.

And honestly, at this point in time, she's got to become the model citizen if she wants to win because we can't afford an attorney and it's REALLY difficult to get help from legal aid right now because of financial cuts to the program.

I just needed to vent.  I know what she should be doing and I'm more than willing to help her, but she HAS to want to do it and HAS to want the help.  Right now she just seems to want to be the young, cute, single girl instead of the mother she chose to be.  And it'll be damn hard to forgive her if she just gives that little boy up because I KNOW that she won't be seeing him because they won't transport at all, not even meeting half way - his parents do all that and mom hates my dd and warned her about taking the little one away from her.  The only reason they do transport now is because they're coming to get him.