Messages

I'm not so sure you're done with this guy...it seems you're playing games.  If you were really concerned for your safety the locks would be changed... and your what! response to getting dog and not SS is telling too... it wouldn't be about how low he is for leaving his SS (afterall didn't you want him to stay with you?)... it would be about what can I do to protect my SS...  There are so many of your type out there...sickens me...and makes it so much harder for those people who REALLY do fear for their safety.

For the next year just keep documenting... but chances are she will give up and won't fight it anymore...just want to see him once in a while.  You said $30 a month in CS is a joke but the smaller the amount the more likely you are to show you are better able to meet his needs financially...that is no joke!  In some states paying support preserves the right to remain a legal parent...if she paid nothing you would have a better chance of proving abandonment.

It doesn't matter what YOU think was better for your child, the COURT ORDER said you could not make that decision without the AGREEMENT of the other parent.  So many people out there think they can simply make decisions on their own without regard for the other person...stop being so selfish, perhaps he had a reason for believing the best interest of the child was better served a different way.  Perhaps he mentioned an alternative that you weren't willing to accept so you decided to go your own way...  the ORDER is the ORDER, it's not a convenience for YOU when you need it, it's there to help preserve the rights of BOTH parents...because you couldn't agree to begin with.

The problem with divorced or unmarried and seperated parents these days is that nobody wants to have discussions....   when it isn't going your way, put all the cards back on the table and start over until you BOTH can FINALLY agree.  Sometimes it takes creativity, compromise and diligence to reach an agreement...if he is being unreasonable (or not giving you an answer within a reasonable amount of time) then you need to CYA and take it to court yourself for arbitration, not contempt...don't just decide to do what you want.  It's never too late to take the time to have a discussion, if it is, then the decision is the WRONG one...nothing that is in the best interest of a child should require you to decide RIGHT NOW... two satisfied parents are much more likely to produce a well balanced relationship between child/parents/school...

Its time to move on... let bygones be bygones... go back to the drawing board IN GOOD FAITH and start from scratch.  What do you want, what does the other parent want...what meets the needs of both parents (and is in the best interest of the child)...give ideas, get ideas...offer compromise to get compromise...leave your emotions out of the equation...document, document, document so you can both have record of discussion and agreements, if any or documentation for a court proceeding to show good faith on your behalf if nothing makes him happy....

Perjury is a much more serious crime, but not as commonly prosecuted.  Perhaps you can use the false statements as evidence for contempt...if it's important to you and it's a serious enough situation, go for it!

[This is no longer about her survival, its your childrens survival.]

Just a few thoughts...  and if it scares you, it should!  This is serious stuff you are talking about.

1. If you're concerned about her taking custody, you won't need a restraining order if you have an emergency custody order, and I would suggest you follow through with that without a doubt!  Get her away from those kids NOW! And I would not want a woman like that as my wife...

2. Because of her illegal drug use/abuse she has no chance for custody, though she may be entitled to visitation but NOT until after she has been through drug rehab...be INSISTENT and do not hesitate to be very candid about the drug abuse details, hold NOTHING back!  This is no longer about her survival, its your childrens survival. When she was abusing your children she didn't care about their mental health!

3. Your children are screaming for help! If you cannot see that and take steps to intervene and protect them they will begin to feel you are not someone they can trust.  Asking them questions in the presence of their mother (I asked them loud enough for their mother to hear...) is NOT okay, that puts the children in a horrible position with their mother and since they are not talking, for all you know, they could be very afraid she will abuse them when or if she ever gets them alone.

4. You need to take notes and keep a running log of all the information your children tell you.  A child who has to hoard their food or have unnatural/abnormal behaviors as a way of surviving, that means they have been TRAUMATIZED.  If you can substantiate the 'allegations' the children are making I would NEVER allow her unsupervised visits unless and until she has developed a relationship with the children to the point the children feel safe around her.  And should she get to that point and they say ONE THING about their safety I would pull all the plugs!

5. Your children would most likely benefit from some counseling.  They need someone to help them put the horrible things their mother has done to them into perspective and help them overcome the trauma it has caused them.  Your repeated absence while she was abusing them has likely caused trauma as well, making them wonder why you weren't protecting them.  They may very likely be scarred for life...so sad. Counseling NOW can help improve their ability to bounce back...

6. It would really benefit you to get an attorney, or at least consult with an attorney about the best way to protect your children.  It's time to stop thinking of you, your marriage and HER mental health, it should ONLY and at ALL COST be about the children right now.  When you represent yourself in this type of situation, if the other parent decides to fight it all the way, they would have a better chance of making the 'allegations' appear to be made up...representation by an attorney will bring your case a higher degree of legitimacy in a court. I know, I'm going through it right now myself in a Pennsylvania court proceeding. I started without one but now have an attorney and the other person does not, it's amazing the difference an attorney has made! Its expensive but I would say you can't afford not to.

Good Luck...and give them an abundance of hugs, kisses and tenderness...they REALLY need it!  Don't stop until they say they are ok. Your heart must be crying for their pain...and the guilt you must feel when you realize how awful it was for them because you (knowingly or not) left them with a monster...

Well, court was rescheduled again. We don't have a date yet though. Something fishy is going on. Our attorney set the court date for today for modification of visitation. She sent a copy to us, the court clerk, and the judge. We hadn't heard a thing from the other attorney until she came to our work Tuesday for the pay stubs. So today we all get to court and find out that what is set for today is for the child support and does not even mention the visitation. So our attorney's tell the judge what happened and he says to reschedule because he doesn't want to hear it twice. I seriously think her attorney went to the clerk and had them change the papers to reflect the child support. We sure didn't get a notice to be in court from her, nor did our attorney. Her attorney is buddy buddy with all the court house officials.
Anyway, we are to be rescheduled and we are pissed and uncomfortable with what we heard today. Our attorney told the judge we were asking for two more nights and he asked if the mother was agreeing. The attorney said no and he said that what was court ordered was a bare minimum and that she could give him extra but the dad needed to "Ante up". So pretty much he is saying she has the power to give us extra time but the dad needs to just pay her money and accept it.

We also know that even with 50/50 we will still be paying the same amount of child support PLUS insurance. SHE gets to claim him every year on taxes. So what the heck is the incentive for the mother to get a good job when she knows he will have to support her for 16 more years, or longer? This is what our attorney is telling us. It's like she doesn't even want to fight for what we want, she is just laying down and taking it like a dog being kicked. A dog would put up more of a fight. IT is like we are being punished for making more money, for wanting more time with DS. She is being rewarded for being a witch. It makes me so sick.

We are just so frustrated with the unfairness of the situation. I am really wanting to start writing some legislators or someone. Does anyone have any names or advice? I may be one person but if I can make any effort it will be worthwhile. I want to get active in the fight for equal rights for fathers but I have no idea where to start.

You have an attorney that does what most attorney's do, they take the route with the least conflict.  Your only choice is to get another attorney or accept the fact that you will most likely not get the outcome you are looking for.

As for support, 50/50 is supposed to change the amount you pay for support, although it WILL NOT eliminate it...gotta accept that.  The insurance is also something you won't be able to get out of.  The support system, in my view, is so unfair and as you said, it does nothing to motivate the other parent to go to work to help support the child...but again, that is reality and we have to deal with that too.  Gotta put that resentment about support out of your head and don't use it in court either, the judge will think that is your motivation.  You, or your attorney, should be able to request to have the tax exemptions as part of your support order, however, when your court system is inflexible you will most likely not be awarded the tax benefit either. 

If you want to talk to a legislature, start with your state representative...usually somewhere within your county or one of the surrounding counties to you. Calling your local court house will usually get you to someone who can tell you who and where that representative is...

And most of all, this is the cost of having a child with someone who turns out to be the wrong one...you have to get used to it, because this conflict will not end until the child is out of high school or turns 18, whichever comes last.  Get yourself ready...find ways to vent your anger away from the court room and any party to the case...it all comes back to bite you if you don't.  I don't recall you mentioning how old your child is, but sometimes things change and she may loosen the rope around your neck, and then you can try to get change, but don't count on anything until she so chooses.  Unfortunately you either have to kill her with kindness, or deal with it!  That is your reality...sorry if this disappoints you...but there are thousands of men in your shoes. 

Just don't give up on the child, it's not the childs fault!  Reality does go full circle and one day he/she will see all sides and your reward will come when he/she recognizes you were there in every way possible and against all the odds...

If you search "fathers rights" you will get a long list of websites that focus on fathers rights...many are looking for others to join their cause.

I would suggest looking into the abandonment laws in your state or the state the custody order was issued.  In some cases a parents rights can be involuntarily terminated if they have done nothing to maintain the relationship with their children AND if they have paid no support for a period of time.  My state (PA) requires 6 months.  Good luck!  Its so unfair to the children...and so wonderful that you are willing to fight to protect them.