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Messages - piXi

Child Support Issues / child support question
Feb 09, 2005, 09:27:22 PM
if  CS  is paid from the  wife's account to  the  child's mother instead of the husband's account is there any way it could be considered a gift and not CS?
General Issues / OT Does anyone remember
Oct 18, 2004, 03:01:30 PM
someone posted last year - I think - some research about which families are more likely to end in divorce; those with girls or those with boys.
Can anyone remember the link?

Father's Issues / at what stage
Nov 25, 2004, 02:06:34 PM
can a child be considered to have a functional and reasoning mind?

At what stage is it thought a child can make basic  thoughts and determinations for her/himself?

What if a child simply decides s/he doesnt like one  parent and would prefer not to have that much to do  with that person.

Does the fact a child might not like us or how we have behaved relieve us of our  responsibility for that child?
I think you are dealing well with a difficult situation and that you have your daughter's interests at heart.

I do believe   you are helping your daughter's father integrate himself in her life and I believe you are dealing with the posts here with gentle dignity.

have you read anything by Penelope Leach on babies?

I love her thoughts and her ideas on raising babies - her book became my manual with my own children.

In my opnion people dont get relationships with children by right - they have to work at them and earn them through the development of layers of trust.

If her father loves her he will be guided in the development of hs realtionship with her and if that means he has to lie on  the floor in your living room allowing her to crawl over him in the company of her other family then thats the way  it should begin.

How much better to work it like that so that within a relatively short time she is running to the door to meet him when he arrives than to have to deal with her crying because she doesnt feel safe.

In my own situation my xh brought our daughter home at  1230am one saturday during  her time with him. She had woken up in tears saying she missed me and didnt feel happy or safe in his house at that moment.

She slept in her own bed and rang him as soon as she woke. he collected her and took her back to his house for breakfast.

Times like that didnt happen so very often but when they did we dealt with them on her terms.

A lot of these incidents were very difficult for me because my xh left us to go and live with his secretary and later married her.

I have worked hard not to intrude my pain into their relatioship with their father and with her and whilst it has taken a long time  - it has worked.

Finally - and Im sorry this is so long - trust your own instincts and your knowledge.
Father's Issues / you see thats the thing
Sep 30, 2004, 06:13:46 AM
some people dont do that.

they dont leave their children with strangers, they dont let them cry themselves out.

My children's baby sitter got to know them by coming to play with them when I was there, staying with them when they were asleep and slowly - as their relationship with her developed - sitting with them for longer.

She became their god mother and is now - for  always - an integral part of their extended family.

I hear what you say about your experiences - I just wouldnt do it.
Father's Issues / I do not disagree with that
Sep 30, 2004, 05:59:55 AM
I simply have a different view from you about how that might best occur.

**added on later**

yes the child deserves to have a relationship with her father of her own making and on her own terms however, the poster stated the father did not turn up for arranged times with his child. If this is the case he is making it difficult to develop a relationship with his child not the childs mother.

maybe he doesnt like the idea of the childs mother being there.
maybe he would like to go the whole hog and take the child for the day irreespective of the feelings of the child and the mother.

maybe he doesnt want baby steps

but you know sometimes you just have to suck it up and do whats best even if it isnt the instant gratification you want.

worst case scenerio:
father takes frightened and unwilling child to 'bond'
child becomes more fearful and trust is not developing
mother becomes anxious and boom

big bad ugly situation

I was thinking back to remember what it was like when my children were tiny and my marriage intact and i know I guarded those babies like a lioness.

I didnt let them leave my sight for an instant for a long time. All our relations happily worked within my fearfulness as a new mother and began the bonding process with me there.

As a  CP I know my NCP xh has to work harder at his relationship with our children than I do - simply because he doesnt see them as often.

As their mother it is my responsibility to help them develop the best relationship they can with their father even when they do not particularly wish to - but I do this from a baseline of shared parenting. I cannot image what it would be like to try and co-parent with an absent father.

Ive raved on a bit and Im sorry but I find this very compelling

the love and and trust of a child is not  a  right  it is something that grows and develops. The original poster wants to  ensure the emotional safety of the child within her care. that suggests to me she accepts the responsibilities that come with the privilege of love and trust. She wants the supervision to last until the child knows the father and feels comfortable in his presence.

If the  father truly wants to grow his relationship with the child he would take the baby steps that growth requires.

When you talk of your husband's relationship with his son you are talking about an intact family - this is a very different situation as we all know - you had no issues of trust with him and that would have been sensed by the baby. Your relationship with him was on a daily and ongoing basis - that also would have bene felt by the child.

taking an unknown child for the day because YOU want a relationship doesnt neccessarily make one happen. It takes two to make a relationship and if one of those is a panic stricken and fearful child the task of developing trust is going to take a lot longer.

and to a lesser degree the father

The  time spent in the uterus is not time in a  vacuum but time spent learning the sounds and rhythmns of  the day as it is spent with the mother.
The sound of  the father's voice and the  physical contact between the parents are all felt also by the child.

The relationship of trust is generally implicit to the process of pregnancy and birth and includes both parents if they are present.

A baby needs to bond with one particular carer  before s/he can make further bonds - and in our society that person is  often the mother .

If a relatinship of intimacy and trust exists between the parents the child moves quickly  to develop relations with both parents, howver, it is difficult to build a relationship of trust with an absent parent. It was my understanding the original poster was working through ways such a relationship could develop and what she could do to help the initial stages of that process.

Any one can take a baby for a day, anyone can begin to develop a relationship of trust and love with a child. all it takes is commitment and time.
Father's Issues / it was my understanding
Sep 29, 2004, 11:55:38 PM
this discussion was about how to intergrate the father into the child's life  not about how to remove him.

No one is underestimating a father's ability; this father's ability to love and nurture his child but rather how to  make it easy for a very young child to feel increasingly comfortable with a father she is beginning to get to know.

The idea of sending the child off with a father she doesnt yet feel comfortable with  reminds me forcibly of the old fashioned method of teaching children to swim by dropping them in the deep end of the pool.
to write a little story to go with the photos in her own personal book