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My son has learned from an early age that he needs to basically look out for himself. I know his 11 year old sister will look out for him when she is there (she's not my child, but they have had a relationship since day one and her mother and I used to be friends). He won't not obey his father...it goes against what he's been taught that daddy is the boss when he's with him and mommy is the boss when he is with her. What he does do is tell me...I think because he's 1) trying to figure out just how bad this is, and 2) wants me to intervene on his behalf. I will tell him not to go retrieve balls from the street, to go get his dad or another adult for that. This is a child who, when a toddler, held his pee for 8 or 9 hours all day while with his dad because he didn't want to have to ask to pee in front of him. We've had issues with proper feeding as well (so I sent snacks in our son's backpack so when he got hungry he would have something to eat). He's getting older at least, and more responsible and I know that, even at 6 years old, he's got a really good head on his shoulders. He just feels apparently somewhat powerless over this situation with his dad and getting his needs met. He has two car seats, but when he comes to pick up our son, usually only one of the other boys is in the car...so at the time of pick up there IS a car seat for him...just not after he's gotten the third child for the back seat. The 11 year old sits up front.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

My son's dad takes our 6 year old for about 5 hours every other Saturday, his choice to have that little time. And he has another son (by someone else) who is 2 years younger, and he has a step-son with his separated from wife who is 5. Our son is the smallest of the 3 (he's still not even 38 lbs.). So, they are all still of an age and size that they need carseats.

Well, when he has all three boys (which is pretty much every Saturday visit), three car seats don't fit and my son has been telling me that he sits in the middle without a car seat and with just the seat belt. I've talked to the ex about this, and how he needs to figure something else out because it is not acceptable or optional for the child not to be in a car seat.

This morning, my son starts telling me about yesterday at his dad's...that he and his step-brother (who is 5) were playing outside in the yard with golf clubs and balls. My son said he hit two balls hard and they went into the street. He tells me how he looked one way, then the other way, then back again the other way before he went into the street to get the balls. This is not a rural area...this is a small city. I asked where daddy was, why he didn't go get the balls or check the street. He said daddy was inside the house watching a baseball game and that he too occupied  to come out and watch them/play with them.

I am FURIOUS. He is SIX YEARS OLD! I'm sorry but he should NOT be running into the street  to get balls, completely unsupervised. Am I really being compulsive about the safety stuff, or is this completely negligent? How the heck do I ensure my child is safe when he's with his dad when his dad just doesn't think this stuff matters? From the stories my son tells, dad is NEVER actually doing stuff with them, they are always pretty well self-supervised.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

He called last night to tell me and ask advice as to how to tell Zachary. He told me that they are just separated, not planning to divorce, just trying to work through some stuff. From some of the other things he's said, it just doesn't really sound all that hopeful to me. But what do I know. Several months ago, Zachary was talking all the time about how he has two mothers, and we talked about the difference between a mom and a step-mom, no big deal. But he kept going on and on about it all the time. So I asked him if he was thinking about it more and why. He basically said that he was afraid that Lauren (his current step-mother) was going to go away like Lyndsey did (his previous step-mother). And he really loves Lauren and his step-brother. I had to wonder if he'd sensed something then. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

No, I have no voluntarily reduced his child support...yes, he asked again in November. I think that's his annual time to request it. He seemed to think that since Z started kindergarten, I had no more child care costs. He didn't realize that someone has to take care of him after school until I finish work at 5 and can come pick him up. And he constantly talks about how I make more than him. So, this time I wrote him a letter. And explained to him how I feel like I'm being punished for earning to my potential. That is first ex-wife works part so she can pick up her kids after school, and take them to activities and such. And that he makes significantly less than he could be making because he absolutely refuses to commute...like I do. I lose 1.5 to 2 hours of my day every day from commuting. I told him that I would LOVE to work 10 minutes from home, and I would LOVE to work hours that allowed me to pick up our son after school, removing the need for any after school care. But if I were to do that, I'd be earning significantly less...which would mean that his child support obligation would go up. And I told him That it feels like I'm being punished by him for doing everything I can to hold up my end of the parenting expenses and responsibilities, when he doesn't do the same. Haven't heard a word about reducing support since. Maybe it made a difference???? Nahhhhh...who am I kidding. :)

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

In all honesty, I am far more concerned that he remain a constant in our son's life than I am about receiving the child support. Right now, that is my priority. And I'm not going to kick him when he's down as I'm sure this isn't a great time for him. More bad blood between us will only further his lack of commitment to our son.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

We already HAVE a court order. And CSE has been less than helpful at tracking his SSN. This has been an ongoing issue for 2.5 years. It seems that for whatever reason, as long as he is sending any money in to them at all, they could care less whether they implement the court ordered wage assignment. But it's ok...I found out where he's employed (he states it on his myspace page, which is how I found out he's currently separated again)...and I sent a message along to CSE with the information. They can now send the packet of info the employer...and if they refuse to attach his wages, well, then we'll have issues to contend with in court. But no need for a PI...I do pretty darn well on my own at finding this stuff out. :) Damn man has taught me how to be resourceful and he doesn't even know it.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

His soon to be ex and I have never met...and I'm not sure how amenable she would be to that...but I don't rule it out. Child support is supposed to go through wage assignment...but, his employers never seem to report he's an employee there, and CSE never seems to find out about where he's employed or he claims he's self-employed. But I got a tip on where he's currently employed, and I've passed that along to CSE for them to follow up on.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

This is my son's dad's third wife. He and I weren't married, he was divorced when I met him, he left me when I was pregnant, married that woman, they got divorced, married someone else, his current wife, and now they're separated. They've been married just over a year. Explains a lot though about the very sporadic and further shortened visits he's had, the visits he's canceled, the unexplained reduced child support payments. I am dreading when he tells our son, who just months ago was very concerned that his stepmother was going to go away like the last one. He's 6 and this will be the second stepmother he's lost in 3 years. And we lost my mom (his Nana) in May last year. Too many losses. And he and his step-brother (her son) are really good buddies. :(

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

Are these "playdates" the only opportunity you have to see your child at this time?" If so, I would strongly urge you to file for a court date, swallow your pride and continue to see your child whenever you can. As much as it stinks, time with your child is the priority...not pride about your ex's manipulation of you. Seek counsel, get a court date ASAP, and continue to spend whatever time you have with your child, regardless of how much of a "point" you are trying to make about not being allowed to be manipulated. How old is the child again? Think about how this child feels about your "refusals" to spend whatever time you can with him/her. Focus on that rather than your ex's actions, until you can have your day in court.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

Last night, I took my son to a birthday party for one of his classmates. When I got home, there was a message from son's dad. He called at 6:11 p.m. to say that he was headed to his first daughter's musical, and he had a last minute thought that maybe Zachary could go with him. Sorry it was so last minute, blah blah blah, but he wasn't sure if even he was going to be able to go, blah blah blah.

First off, does he think it is nice to always be hearing the things he takes time off from work for, or makes time for, when they are for his first child, but not for our son? Like he could make it to her dance recital but not to the memorial service for our son's grandmother (my mom) to be supportive of son? Or to son's back to school night? Or to parent teacher conferences? Or to birthday parties? And now he calls last minute to see if he can go with him to daughter's musical? (And, for the record, had we been home I'd have been thrilled to say "yes! come get him! He'd love that!")

Oh, but wait, this is the same guy who wanted me to reduce child support (again...we did that last year too) so he could work less hours to spend more time with our son (so he says). The same man to whom I offered to reimburse him for wages missed for hours not worked if he actually took extra time with our son...and he never responded. Seems to me he's able to make the time and make do financially with less to attend some children's events just fine. I guess there just isn't enough left to go around after he's invested the time and money in the others?

I know...I sound resentful and petty...but I am just so tired of our son coming last. No, I don't really expect it to ever change. But there are times I really wonder why he bothers with being on the scene at all.

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen

I have given R the opportunity to have more time with Z and I will pay him for hours lost from work. He hasn't taken me up on it. I have offered to do half the driving. He hasn't taken me up on it. He has no complaints to make about me...and I know it now. :)

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Dream lofty dreams, and as you dream, so shall you become. Your vision is the promise of what you shall one day be; your ideal is the prophecy of what you shall at last unveil.

     ~ James Allen