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contact the DA and see what options are available to you. But definitely press charges - the goal, really, should be that he isn't even around when you are exchanging the child with your ex. Of course if you are concerned about the home environmenta nd want to seek a change in custody, you have to get a lawyer for that.

I agree with your sister, tho - you need a lawyer who is willing to be your best advocate, not one who will shoot you down before you get out of the gate. so, ditch this lawyer and keep looking. I have a good friend who is in the process of getting full custody of his daughter based on his ex's mental instability. It's taken a lot of time, and a good lawyer, but eventually it's become clear to EVERYONE that the situation is not good for the child. So, be patient - document EVERYTHING even with photos if you need to, and make sure other people see what you see. Also look in the articles section of this website for ways to counter the newborns need their moms argument. Of course in an ideal situation where everyone is healthy and competebt, babies DO benefit from having both parents around - but many men have had to raise their babies on their own and done fine jobs, so frankly it's bullshit.

with the same kind of preparation and anxiety . . . and in the end, the move was defered. which meant that the lawyers agreed BM would have to wait a year and then if she still wanted to move, she could try again. That's because when all the "evidence" was on the table, the state puts preserving the relationship with the Dad above most other considerations, and we came out on top. As you will, too, probably (and in this case, there are the relationships with TWO dads to balance against this whimlike following of a new man). It sounds to me like she has a proposed visitation schedule worked out that does give you time with the kids and that's something to think about - our BM didn't have a plan on that end (other than making my DH drive 12 hours for his regular EOW visits if he still wanted them!). But even if she's planning on giving you lots of time over the summer, she has already shown herself to be less than cooperative - by trying to move without telling you AND by signing the girls up for a school without consulting their father. Another thing to consider is whether this is part of an ongoing pattern of interference - in other words, does she have a history of not allowing Dad all of the time he is entitled to? I think the lack of extended family there is also in your favor - if there are extended family in your current community, don't forget to mention them by name. To show community ties.

with the same kind of preparation and anxiety . . . and in the end, the move was defered. which meant that the lawyers agreed BM would have to wait a year and then if she still wanted to move, she could try again. That's because when all the "evidence" was on the table, the state puts preserving the relationship with the Dad above most other considerations, and we came out on top. As you will, too, probably (and in this case, there are the relationships with TWO dads to balance against this whimlike following of a new man). It sounds to me like she has a proposed visitation schedule worked out that does give you time with the kids and that's something to think about - our BM didn't have a plan on that end (other than making my DH drive 12 hours for his regular EOW visits if he still wanted them!). But even if she's planning on giving you lots of time over the summer, she has already shown herself to be less than cooperative - by trying to move without telling you AND by signing the girls up for a school without consulting their father. Another thing to consider is whether this is part of an ongoing pattern of interference - in other words, does she have a history of not allowing Dad all of the time he is entitled to? I think the lack of extended family there is also in your favor - if there are extended family in your current community, don't forget to mention them by name. To show community ties.

First off, I would NOT just put him back on the meds without a psych evaluation that you all agree with. So if you don't talk to the psychiatrist who prescribed it and tell him all the details, including that SS hasn't been on it regularly, then start fresh with someone new, but don't just give him the meds when they arrive. It is worse to yank him on and off, as you know already, than just to leave him off the meds entirely.

I think that you guys have a great way of communicating with SS and that's a real plus - he seems to be very open with you even with whatever emotional turmoil he lives in. His age is always difficult but I think the best approach with him - based on what you've posted, anyway - is to stress that you know he can control his behavior and his words, and you expect him to do so without a pill, according to the rules of your house. Most kids don't like the idea of having something so wrong with them that they have to take a pill, so it's possible that if you tell him this is his chance to prove he can hold it together without meds - at least for a summer visit - that will help everyone in the long run.

I know how aggravating this can be and there really is not a lot you can do, other than talk to the psychiatrist and maybe get a phone conference with him and your DH and BM to discuss the treatment plan and continuity, or lack thereof. Depending on the outcome of that conversation or other research you do on the dangers of inconsistent psych med use, you could send a certified letter to BM letting her know the information and that if you have to, you will pursue her for medical neglect and endangering his wellbeing (if you find out that there could be serious consequences.) Our BM was a lot like this too - kind of weird about how SS was to take his ADHD meds. One of my favorite choices on her part, which we didn't find out about until SS lived with us, was giving him extra Aderall pills if he refused to clean up his room fast enough - like the more pills he took, the more likely he was to do what she asked (her theory, but all it did was breed a kind of passive aggressive pigheadedness in the boy - and a bad acid stomach, as that was the side effect of the drugs for him all those years).

and get input and a summary of the treatment plan, diganosis and other observations from him, first. It sounds like your DH hasn't talked to that doc, but he really should before doing anything else. I think you also need to know what you want from counseling. Counsellors can't provide a magic bullet, even tho we often go to them with that hope in mind. What your SS most likely needs is firm consistent parental guidance and unfortunately what will happen when he enounters that initially is he will freak out and try to buck the system. So you could go with counselling, or you could just sit down with him and write down a list of problem behaviors (yelling at adults, cussing, tormenting the pet, tormenting siblings, walking out of the house without telling you where he is going) and what the consequences will be (for boys, physical activities like push ups or chores can be very effective) and then whenever soemthing comes up, just tell him to go do what it says on the wall (or wherever you post it) and walk away. Don't engage, just implement the consequence. Or, really, in your situation, your DH has to be the one willing to be doing that every day when he gets home.

Most therapists won't see a child if there is another therapist in the mix already - they like to know "who is on first". I feel for you that you've been handed this out of control kid and Mom won't take responsibility. We had similar problems back in the day (SS was never ADHD, but she also insisted on that diagnosis - in reality, I think it was anxiety that caused most of his problems)

You sound like a good guy who has always tried to be more than fair. I firmly believe that the truth will out in the end, altho it is painful in the meantime. Sometimes the kids have to go along with the alienation for survival - just keep doing the right thing, keep your heart and your door open, and be ready for that day in the future when they are free to come to you. Which will happen - it's the bonding in the early years that matters the most, you know.

I wasn't clear on that, but if you haven't taken care of the divorce aspect, do it asap.

Beyond that, you are right to worry AND you are right to move on. As you know, you can not put your life on pause because your ex might get upset. But as an SW who came into a very similar situation, I can also tell you that it's highly likely there will be some fallout because (IMO) a lot of people who move away the way your ex did (and the way BM in our situation did) harbor a kind of secret fantasy that sooner or later, you are going to move there and beg her to come back to you. It's a power thing. Moving on puts the nail in the coffin of that fantasy. There are many things BM might try to tell your D and I don't think it does much good to try to predict what they are - just know that most of them will be rooted in fear. Make sure you have contact and visitation with her in an iron clad CO, not just one of those "as agreed upon by the parents" vague statement - and be prepared to enforce it with police reports if needed. Your ex will probably resent the new boundaries you have to set more than the woman herself, if you haven't been very clear about boundaries in the past (in our case, issues like needing more notice of events in order to plan to be there or not be there became sticking points, as did BM's expectation that she could call at any hour and talk to my DH for however long she felt she needed). Prepare yourself for the fact that you will - if you are serious about this new woman - have to fight for your D to come visit you and not go up there to visit so much. The new woman in your life will be a bit territorial, and that's normal. So will your daughter be. One of the most powerful things you can do is practice ways to explain to your D that your love for her and your love for your new mate are very different things - there there is absolutely no competition between the two but at the same time, neither one is better or worse than the other. The second thing you can do is just encourage her to form her own opinions about events and people. Unfortunately, she is too young to do that just yet - it won't be for another four years or so that she can understand that her mom might tell her stuff that isn't necessarily true for her own reasons. So if she does ask you things about your new woman, just answer them factually and tell her that you hope one day she will be able to form her own opinion after she's known your mate for a while. Also, it's important to let her know that she personally does not have to like - and certainly not LOVE - your new mate just because you do, but that she does have to be polite and kind to her just like any other adult (like a teacher, for example). That should alleviate the loyalty concern she will have of hurting Mom if she likes this new woman. Obviously your D has teachers she likes and Mom isn't affected by that at all, right? And when she does visit, don't leave parenting to your new mate. Far too many men tend to just assume that because there is a woman in the house she will do the parental things, just as the biomom/wife would - but that's unfair to your D and your mate. You will be the one to do transportation, talk to BM, plan activities, prepare food, shop for stuff, discipline the child (always expect her to follow SM's rules and to respect SM) etc, not SM.

Now, it doesn't have to be all bad. You guys could sail through a rough spot beautifully if your expectations are clear and you continue to treat everyone involved with respect and decency.