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Because I'm apsychiatric nurse, have been for 25 years, and know a few technical hthings about how polygraphs work. Why do you think they aren't admissible in court?

Very few people can be lying and not be found out.  Sociopaths for instance.  Let's say ted bundy killed a woman but lied adn said he didn't.  Maybe he could pass the test if he din't feel what he did was wrong or was really good at controlling physiological signs of stress- think someone really into yoga.  But if he didn't actaully kill her and was worried thinking he was gonna go to the chair for somehting he didn't do- reasonable, right?  He could fail the test because of his physiological signs of stress.

The machine only measures one's physiological signs.  Yes, they change when lying- if lying is stressful.  But its the stress that causes the reaction.  And I can only imagine how stressed her fiance was- he'smilitary- can you say "Jail time, end of career, megan's law website, never any security clearances...."?  If one was a sociaopath and lying wasn't stressful then one would pass the test- even when guilty.

I knwo polygraphs are really dramatic- but understand the test.  I know you from this site and I know that you saw Soc advise taking one if you were accused of abuse.  But the valaue of the test was only IF you passed adn then the other party REFUSED to take cone.  The really clincher is the refusal of the other party to take the test.

Have you ever thought perhaps the reason her kids need to live somewhere else is that her X is a miserable soul who can't allow her to have any happiness in her life.  After all, two of my children "have to live somewhere else" and two don't.  What law would you use to explain that dichotomy?

How quick we are to judge another.  I didn't read anywhere that she needs a man to make her whole but I did read that this si the third relationship that has been messed with. let's look at that pattern a moment.

Sometimes you just get very tired of being controlled. I did.  My Xhad no difficulty wiht my Dh until he found out that there was a possiblity that he would have to pay child support AND my faterh who had been backing my X woke up and smelled the coffee and pulled out of the mess.  Once X realized his chance at snatching my dad's money was gone my Dh became a child abuser, a molester, a lunatic and whatever else one could be called of a degratory nature.

Where were X's concerns when the kids were there the whole summer?  He has claimed these allegations before.  Did he suddently think that mom had magically improved her choices in men. Heck no- he didn't care until he knew there was a new man on the block.  She went thru two other investigations and both times the charges "magically disappeared".  If I thought my X had alowed somebody to hurt my child there's no way in hell that the charges would "magically disappear" because I would be taking my spouse for supervised visists if I thought his judgement was so poor that he'd allow a perp around my children.  This father did no such thing- and it happened twice!

Sometimes a cigar just ain't a cigar. This doesn't add up at all. Nobody walks a mile in her moccassins so nobody has a right to judge her.  It sounds to me like she came here looking for support- and I don't see any.

Anytime sister, anytime.  Glad to do it.

I will write in short papragraphs so that you can understand this, Sexual Assualt Counsleor.  I sincerely hope that you do not work directly with people.  You are very quick to judge and are not at all willing to consider that this might just not be sexual assualt.  In this country we are innocent until proven guilty- not the ohter way around.  I did not see in this mother's letter that she had more concern for her BF than for her DD.  What I see is a woman who is trying to make sense of an  accusation that was not made until AFTER her DD returned home at the end of the summer.


Maybe the primary concern here IS alienation and NOT sexual assualt. No, it doesn't look good that he failed the polygraph, but a lot of people fail polygraphs who a innocent.  If you are guilty you supposedly cannot pass one- but the opposite is not true if one is innocent.  Being nervous will cause a person to fail a polygraph- that's why they are inadmissable in court.

For the mother-  I was the vicitm of false allegations as well.  My Dh was the target as well.  It stinks and makes it just about impossible to have any sort of cohesive family unit with your NC kids.  I fought every imagainable lie for nine years until I finally gave up.  The court didnot care thatmy DH and I have two children who live with us full time and attend all school and docotr appointments.  No other person seems to think thereis any reason for concern except my X.

Twice we have been investigated by CYS and both times the reports were unfounded.  My yunger children, who are custodial are healthy, happy and well adjusted.  N obody has ever suggested that my DH ever made any threats against justt he older kids, so how can tow kids be doing so well adn two lolder kids be terrified out of thier minds?

My oldest child even admitted to me that he had lied tot he judge adn would do so again if his dad told him to do so.  My older DD stole medical and fincnaial records form my home to give to her dad because he wanted more $$$ in CS and thoughthe could take it rom my 81 year old father whose financial records are kept in my home.

People like the sexual assualt counsleor who posted are exactly the reason I lost custody in the first place.  I sincerely hope these people who are supposed to be "professionals" will wake up and smell the coffee adn realize that when they make unproven claims they are hurting innocent children by depriving them of a good and loving parent.  And not only is the NC child being hurt- the custodial child is j=injured by having his family disrupted as well.

To the NCM- I wish you God speed in gettng thru this mess.  Good luck to your BF- I hope he's got a great lawyer becasue it sounds like he's gonna need it.

I had the MMPI as part of custody procedings twice now.  Two differnt evalautors.  I can't imagine what use the Roshack woudl be.  it is "projective" menaing that the evalautor has to interpret the meanins of what you saw in the ink blots.  So a different evalautor could reach an entirely differnt conclusion.

My first custody eval turned out very badly for me.  IMHO, it was very biased.  The evaluator said that I had " difficulty staying in touch with reality".  She din't come right out and say that I had a diagnosis, she just implied that I was delusional.

I asked a former therapist of mine to obtain the actual test results.  Surprise, surprise, there was nothing negative about me revealed by that test!

I happen to be a psychiatric nurse and currently begining a master's program in counsleor education.  I know these tests.  I know all about relaibity and validity.  What the evalautor did was plain wrong.

I ended up getting a full psychological evlauation of myself by an indepenent psychologist. It showed me to be well adjusted and high functioning.

Well this was gratifying to me, I still am NCM! In my case the kids got settled into the CP's home and are doing well in school so the judge is very reluctant to change custody even thoguth I have suspected PAS. I just can't get a "professional" to admit that it is present in writing.

Best of luck to you.

Recovery from addiction is an uphill battle.  But i am glad to see that your daughter has accepted the need for it.  Most people have to loose something before they will consider it.  An awful lot of addicts have to loose everything.  In your D's case, she didn't really loose everything becasue #1 she's still alive, and #2 her daughter still loves her and wants to be with her and #3  She still has you for your love and support.

To me it looks like your D is pretty lucky.  But that doesn't mean that she is going to have an easy time of it.  I am praying for her and for you.

My Dh has alcoholism and antoher co-occurring mental health diagnosis.  The one thing I have learned on this journey is that one must accept the diagnosis before any change can happen.  It is step one of AA.

Also, I woud hope that your D will get a full mental health evaluation.  Many people who strugggle in vain to control thier alcoholism and can't stay in recovery have another mental health issue.  They do not realize they are trying to medicate the other issue with the alcohol or drugs.  This is common with depression, bipolar disorder and schizophrenia.

If someone has another diagnosis, getting sober is almost impossible without getting concurrent treatment of the problem they are trying to medicate.  But a valid diagnosis is nearly impossible while the person is still drinking.

If your D seeks out an evaluation, please have it done by someone who is trained and experienced in dual diagnosis.  Ihave worked in the field for over 20 years.  I am a nurse with a four year degree in Rehabilitation and a minor in psychology.  I have seen many peole go on to make very successful, healthy lives for themselves.  I pray your daughter does the same.

 She can thank her lucky stars that you are there for her support, because nobody does it alone.  But you also can't do it FOR her.   I would encourage you to seek out Al-Anon.  I have found the support helpful as well .

HI!

 Wow!  What a story.  You have reason to feel hurt and mistrustful.  It is very hard going thru the alienation game.  Everything you think you know gets turned on its ear.  It's like being in a fun house.

I wish I had an easy answer for you.  But, Of course, I don't.  Life and relationships don't come with easy answeres.  that's for thirty minute sit- coms.  Remember how ward Cleaver and Cliff Huxtable could solve any problem in 30 minutes?  What you have is a new chance at rebuliding a relationship with your daughter.  I would give my right arm for my daughter to want extra time with me!  I envy you that.  

I think you need to take it at face value.  She's spending more time.  It seems to be enjoyable for both of you.  Take that and build on it.  If she is manipulating you , you have the opportunity to "hook" her.  Let me exolain.  Manipulation is a strange thing.  Sometimes people who want to manipulate others fall into their own trap.  So she wants something and starts out manipulating by spending extra time with you.  She ends up finding out that she enjoys it.  So then she spends time with you because she truley wants to.  Sometimes people who manipulate actually want what they atr trying tomake you think they want.  Did I say that clearly enough.  I mean she really wants to be with you.  but she's afarid you'll rejuect her so she tells herself she's gonna manipulate you because then if you do reject her it won't her so much.  Either way you end up with more time with her and that translates into a chance for the two of you to regain your relationship.

You have nothing to loose.  You can't pay for the evaluation anyway!  I would be honest about that up front.  I think I'd bring it up in an off hand way.  Tell her you feel badly about not being able to help.  Let her know you know she must be disappointed in not being able to drive just yet.  Let her know that her ability to drive does not determine your love for her.  Give her lots of positive feedback on everything she does well.  Mostof all, let her know that she is wonderful, special and beautiful just because she's your daughter.

Good luck.  Please don't squander this opportunity because you are feeling afraid.  No one likes to be used, but we use each other all the time.  It is part of the human condition.  Not knowing either of you, I know this is just a guess.  But, I don't think she is using you.  She may have realized she made a mistake in going to live with her dad.  Like my favorite pediatrician always told me, " You're doing a great job, love em and enjoy em.

For what it is worth, I think you have your head on straight.  Kids need limits.  they don't like them but they need that.  They aren't mature enough to figure it all out by themselves.

You are smart enough not to be manipulated by your daughter.  I applaud you and I support you.  Stand firm.  She'll want to be with you again before you know it!

Hi Misty,

I am a NCM ans I have dealt with some of the same issues you describe.  I differ with Custody IQ.  I think your children can be helped to behave appropriately.  I would suggest that you consider family counseling.

This is something I have done in my own case.  We see an Art therapist. But I think any family counseling would be beneficaial for you.  Kids are very resilient.  They can adjust to different rules in different homes.  They may be reacting to stress from the uncertianty of thier earlier lives. Or it could be some sib-stepsib rivalry.  There are a lot of very normal reasons kids act like little monsters.  The answer is finding out what is going on with them.

In most communities there are resources for family counseling. Some are free, some charge a sliding scale fee.   I would check the phone book under "counseling" or if you have a community pages section look there under " children" or "families".  If all else fails call counselors listed in the yellow pages and ask for advice.

Your family can get along and enjoy  good times together.  Your kids are not behaving like this because they want you to be unhappy.  Kids are limited in how well they can express adn understand thier feelings.  Help is available.

Butterfly--

You are living MY life!  I have calls exactly like this with my two kids all the time.  I hate it and I am struggling to maintian a relationship with them.  MY kids are DS15 and DD 12.  DD is worse and when I see them out it is obvious that she is doing this stuf in response to her SM.  My ex is also a puppet on a string and SM is the puppeteer.

No one beleives this is aleination but in my heart I know that it is.  Just because my kids have a good time when they are here does not mean they aren't being alaienated while with dad which is 95% of the time.  I am worried for them.

I have undergone two custody evals and lost both times. Ex and SM can convince evaluators that I am nuts and they win every time!

I am reading Divorce Poison by Richard Warshak.  He gives good advice about how to deal with specific things but everything in his book seems to apply to my situation!

Feel free to eamil me sometimes.  I thin if we share stories and solutions and problems we will become stronger and ultimately find a way to beat this without loosing our kids.