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« on: May 30, 2007, 03:58:38 PM »
Hi there. Your response was quite lost in lizmiller's post but I wanted to reply. You were questioning why anyone would take advice from me since I married a man with a mental illness and an addiction.
And also you seemed to think I was "blowing everyone else off".
First of all, I married a MAN lving with bipolar disorder and an addcition. MAN is the first part here. I am a woman living with arthritis. I have lived with depression. I had lived with anxeity disorder in the past. But first of all- I was a person. I come from a rehabilitation perspective here, unlike some people who think if one has a mental illness or addcition - let alone both- the person ceases to be a person and becomes an illenss.
My bipolar, recovering alcoholic, husband and I have two children of our own who are doing very well, thnak you very much. In addition- I have rehabilitated myself as I lost my career as a nurse whan I herniated several discs in my spine. I am now about to receive my Master's of Edcuation in the next year.
Why did I choose to get involved with a man with "issues"? Honey- we all have issues. Some are offically diagnosed and some aren't but we've all got 'em. I knew that regardless of what my husband did or ddin't do, my life would be a success. Why? Because I will settle for nothing less. I have tremendous internal resources. Is my life for everyone? Nope. But it was right for me and might just be right for Lizmiller. Unless you're walking in her shoes I don't think you have the right to judge her.
As for divorce being hard enough, well I guess that depends on the person who is going thru it. For me it had good points and bad. I lost financial secruity til I could provide it for myself. I gained independence and freedom from my ex's negative thinking that was very difficult to live with. It took such energy to rise above it that iI had little nergy left to pursue my own passions. Most things in life have pro's and con's if we are honest about htem. Would it have be easier if I had just stayed alone- no- no necessarily. my husband follows his program, I follow mine and we support each other. I remeber when I was so heartbroken because of somehting that happened to me surrounding my divorce that I didn't remember driving home. It was my husband who held me and supported me and saw that I had a safe palce in which to process the betrayal that had just happened to me. In that respect- it was a very good thing that I had him in my life. Ihavenot forgotten that- I actually owe him a debt for that day and many others. He is my soulmate- not merely a man with a mental illness and an addcition.
As far as blowing "everyone" off-- I don't see it that way. What I do see is that I noticed a very prejudicial tone in your post and stepped in to support Lizmiller because I can see her sistuation from another angle.
The "professionals" in my custody case saw things just like you did. As a result my children are in the custody of a man who doesn't beleive in taking them to the doctor or filling perscriptions. He sends my DD to school with holes in her sneakers so big her socks were soaked by the time she got on the bus. And she wore a belt that had broken and was duct taped togehter for a month. Her dad makes 70K a year and I pay guideline support even though my income is only from disability until next year. I had to take X to court to get him to put the medically necessary braces on DD's teeth. Son had toenails so ingrown they required surgery.
But my X doesn't have a mental illness so that makes him a fit parent. He drinks like a fish but doesn't attend AA so that means he's NOT an alcoholic because alcoholics go to meetings and drunks got to bars, right? My X was verbally abusive to me for so many years of my marriage. I had chronic health problems which cleared up in the first 90 days that I was out of his home. They have never returned even though I made the by your definition, "poor decison" to live with the man with mental illness and addcition issues.
What I have learnd is this: I have more respect for a person who admits they have aproblem and is willing to take the steps to deal with it that I do for anyone who likes to sit back and point fingers.
My husband is just such a man. He's got more class on his worst day that some people have on thier best. He has no need to put others down in order to feel good. He can admit when he's wrong. He is able to put other people ahead of his own desires when necesary. I think that's a pretty good resume. One my X didn't have and one lots of people who don't live with diagnosed disabilities could not live up to.
I think the world would be a better place if people could just see others as the people they are instead of thier labels. In the case of LIZmiller, her X never seemed concerend about her judgement in men when they were together. He left the child with her at times. His fear for his child's saftey only seems to come about when she is in a romantic realtionship with another man. When the man disappears- so do his concerns- he's dropped cases multiple times and sent the child for visitations in between. if one is honestly concerned about their child's saftey and the other parent's judgement that parent wouldn't send the child at all or would seek supervised visits. That hasn't happened.
If Lizmiller's BF is guilty he should fry. But if he's innocent why should he be taken from his family just to appease some guy with an axe to grind?
Her decison to allow the baby to live else where while she lived with her BF is her own to make. I perhaps ,might have made a different one on that issue. But I'm not her, I haven't walked the proverbal mile in her moccassins. I am sure that she is doing what she feels is best and i didn't read that she asked for any advice on that situtation. her questions seemed to be centered around whether or not she had a chance with her DD.
Obviously, she's in a tough spot. Nobody can make these decisons but her. But I believe that she is an adult- so I think we need to respect her as such.