Messages

Boy, I have to get a copy of that book.  My ex and his new wife are classic BPD.  Ex is extremely cunning and manipulative.  And on top of that intelligent.  The psych who did our last eval ( I lost, again) says he is friendly and cooperative.  Yet every court action comes about because he will not follow the order and will not offer me one bit of flexibility.  Everything they do is just this side of being legally OK.  I feel like a dog on a short chain and my ex is a cat prancing about one millimeter beyond the reach of my chain.  It drives me insane.  I know they are lying their a$$es off and I can never concretely prove anything.

If you come up with any of thoses tests that are proven reliable and valid PLEASE tell me what they are!

The court refused to order phone contact for me.  CP said it would "tie him down too much" if he had to have the children available for phone contact and the judge went with it.

How far do you live away from the kids?  My first thought would be to show up at the YMCA and spend some of that time with the kids if possible.  

I would ask for more time too.  But if your order just went into effect this past February- it might not be possbile to midfy this soon.

None of this is legal advice.  I wish you the best of luck. Ihave lost my children to PAS. In hindsight I know that daily contact of some kind is vitally important.

Iwish you guys had been my judge.  My X has dictsted how late I can go tot he grocery store on a summer evenign withthe kids during my parenting time.  he deemed 10PM too late to go to Walmart with a 14 and a 12 year old during the summer.  Who was present during the children's mid week vissits was also dictated by the CP.  I had to work during the mid week two hour vissit.  CP refused to switch itt o a day wheni could be off.  I wanted my Dh to be able to take it and at least allow the NC kids to paly withthier younger sibs here for the two hours. I los that round being told the purpose was for the cildren to spend time with ME- but X wasn'tt old he would have to change- I was expected to change my work schedule.  I am a nurse and covereage for my shift couldn't always be arranged.

I know how its supposed to work- but it doesn't always.  And Ithink its a logical arguement that the frequent trips are too long for suc young kids.  But I too would shy away from insinuating that the NCP isn't spending quality time witht he kids because he's working while they are there.  COurts seem to like parents who work.

Not a lawyer here, but I am a certifed parent educator and a psych nurse of 25 years.  That's a lot fo travelf or such young kids.  Yipes!  I can't imagine a judge letting that go on once he finds out about it.

Would it work out better for the kids to perhaps have extended time with NCP during school breaks and summer?  11 hours travel seems to be across time zones- don't the kids get jetlagged?  I would be concerned about the effect on thier school or future school performance, not to mention thier stabiltiy.

I have to chime in with my sorrow about Soc's departure.  he was perhaps the last and best "elder statesman".  The guy was the only attorney I ever trusted snd i learned enough from him t never trust another one!  Thanks Soc for all you've done, advice given, and time spent helping us.  There will never be another one like our Soc.

I am so sorry you are going thru this.  its a huge pain in the butt, but not illegal.  And unfortunately will not get him sole custody, IMHO- I'm not a laywer and this is not legal advice.  But Ihave been where you are.

Its a tough spot. But until these crazy people do somehting that actaully harms the child in some way you can prove- its just not gonna matter.

My lawyer told me," Its nto against he law to make an *arse* of yourself" and she was so right.  I've spent nine years fighting custody. My X who is Cp has neglected the kids medically more time than I can count.  They wear shoes with holes the size of golf balls even though I pay him support and he makes 70K a year.  He neglects thier edcuation but somehow they pullit out at the last second and apss by the skin of thier teeth.  Ihave beent o court so soften that when I decided to retun to grad school I actaully considered law school.  I decided against ti because I just can't lie or protect people who do.  None of my trips to court made any difference and I'd have doen well to just save the money and bought a boat- I like to fish.

Once custody is estabilsihed its very hard to change.  Your BF needs to start documenting all this.  You can get excellent advice in the article section of this site.  he needs to be on a good bassi withhis child's doctor, daycare provider,s chool and teachers.  When she gets into activites he needs to support them, get involved adn get to know the leaders.  Eventually, if his X is this much as a jerk her true colors will show adn he will have evidence that will matter adn al important witnesses.  Oh and he should start savign for a lawyer and a custody eval ( around 20K at least) because it sounds like he'll need to keep what he has.

If you choose to stay with him know that you are looking at what your life will be like.  Do not bow to this womens demands but do not be adversarial either.  Be a support to your boyfriend as much as you can and find your own network of support becasue its not an easy life.  

My Dh could tell you some horror stories.  he's been accused of everythign BUT sexual abuse.  We have been twice investigated by CYS- unfounded both times.  We knew each time it was X turning us in and as soon as we told the investigators that we knew they backed off casue we were rigtht although they can't confirm it.  it pays to get them on your side.  Never be adversarial with them.  We have been thru two custody evals on top of everything else adn we bothhad to have spuychologicals too!  Not fun.  However, we both passed everyhting all the way around.

All parties are in PA.  I have joint leagal custody and partial physical custody.  I only see the children EOW and half of summers and half of holidays.  

A GAL was appointed in this case in November.  She has contacted my attorney because my DD who is 14 wanted to particpate in a school play.  The play, which is a yearly occurance takes the bulk of the weekend which is 50% of my parenting time for the month.  During that weekend I have no meaningful time with my DD.  I asked the CP for either two make up days or to switch weekends or to be able to get my DD from school in order to have dinner with her a few nights.

My X refused to reply to my request even though I sent it twice.  Ihad not been informed of the date that DD would have to declare her intention to be in the play or not.  X later said in counseling that he did not reply becasue "She knows I'm not giving make up time.  Why should I have to tell her again!"

I even tried working out make up time with her.  She just said that it was too stressful and couldn't understand why I wouldn't just give up the weekend.

I found out about her not being able to be in the play before the GAL called.  I offered to contact the school to try to get her  into the play by explaining what had happened.  My dd refused saying she no longer wanted to be in the play, but apprarently she communicated her displeasure to the GAL.

The GAL beleives I should forgo parenting time so the children can particpate in any activity at all.

I must mention that thier father supports NO activites unless it is volunteer firefighting becasue that's the activity he himself is involved in.  He rarely attends things the chiildren have at school.  

 My son had to recently quit a job becasue his father would not allow him to work on his father's custodial weekends.  My son had had the job for two years and was never once allowed to go to work on his dad's time.  Dad wouldn't even negotiate the Friday pick up time so son could go to work on time.  He had to be 45 minutes late every Friday night.

I beleive this was becasue the job was on my end of town and I had helped son get it.  Dad refused to allow this 17 year old to drive to the job because he wouldn't support it, but then dad complained because he felt he shouldn't have to drive to get son at 11:00 PM at night on Friday and Saturday nights.

My plan is continue doing exactly what I have been doing for the last nine years which is to allow the children to go to activites which do not take up over 50% of my parenting time and not allow those which keep the kids away for more than 50% of thier waking hours.

If I allow the children to go to all the thing s they should be going to my realtionship with them is weakened.  If I disallow acitives the children don't get to do anyhting age appropriate and are tied up with adults for at least four nights a week going to firefighter trainings.

There is currently no court order in place regarding activites.

Questions:

Would it be in my best interests to continue to do what I am doing and let the GAL be the one to file a motion if she feels a need to change the order? Or should I pursure something from the judge myself?

If the GAL did file a motion to change the part of the order and require me to take the children to any and all acitvites without make up time where would the burden of proof be regarding the children's best interest?

Do you have any ideas on waht to do since the children miss out significantly on age approriate acitives since they can only do them when with me and dad is so uncooperative?

All parties are in PA.  I have joint leagal custody and partial physical custody.  I only see the children EOW and half of summers and half of holidays.  

A GAL was appointed in this case in November.  She has contacted my attorney because my DD who is 14 wanted to particpate in a school play.  The play, which is a yearly occurance takes the bulk of the weekend which is 50% of my parenting time for the month.  During that weekend I have no meaningful time with my DD.  I asked the CP for either two make up days or to switch weekends or to be able to get my DD from school in order to have dinner with her a few nights.

My X refused to reply to my request even though I sent it twice.  Ihad not been informed of the date that DD would have to declare her intention to be in the play or not.  X later said in counseling that he did not reply becasue "She knows I'm not giving make up time.  Why should I have to tell her again!"

I even tried working out make up time with her.  She just said that it was too stressful and couldn't understand why I wouldn't just give up the weekend.

I found out about her not being able to be in the play before the GAL called.  I offered to contact the school to try to get her  into the play by explaining what had happened.  My dd refused saying she no longer wanted to be in the play, but apprarently she communicated her displeasure to the GAL.

The GAL beleives I should forgo parenting time so the children can particpate in any activity at all.

I must mention that thier father supports NO activites unless it is volunteer firefighting becasue that's the activity he himself is involved in.  He rarely attends things the chiildren have at school.  

 My son had to recently quit a job becasue his father would not allow him to work on his father's custodial weekends.  My son had had the job for two years and was never once allowed to go to work on his dad's time.  Dad wouldn't even negotiate the Friday pick up time so son could go to work on time.  He had to be 45 minutes late every Friday night.

I beleive this was becasue the job was on my end of town and I had helped son get it.  Dad refused to allow this 17 year old to drive to the job because he wouldn't support it, but then dad complained because he felt he shouldn't have to drive to get son at 11:00 PM at night on Friday and Saturday nights.

My plan is continue doing exactly what I have been doing for the last nine years which is to allow the children to go to activites which do not take up over 50% of my parenting time and not allow those which keep the kids away for more than 50% of thier waking hours.

If I allow the children to go to all the thing s they should be going to my realtionship with them is weakened.  If I disallow acitives the children don't get to do anyhting age appropriate and are tied up with adults for at least four nights a week going to firefighter trainings.

There is currently no court order in place regarding activites.

Questions:

Would it be in my best interests to continue to do what I am doing and let the GAL be the one to file a motion if she feels a need to change the order? Or should I pursure something from the judge myself?

If the GAL did file a motion to change the part of the order and require me to take the children to any and all acitvites without make up time where would the burden of proof be regarding the children's best interest?

Do you have any ideas on waht to do since the children miss out significantly on age approriate acitives since they can only do them when with me and dad is so uncooperative?

There is no "custody action" at this time.  GAL was appointed simply to be a gatekeeper as CP is constantly filing all sorts of motions adn the judge is tired of dealing with it.


The GAL sent my attorney an email stating that she would give us a chance to object in court before seeking mine or my DH's medical records.

Question:

Must I give up my parental rights in order to keep the GAL who is untrianed adn unqualified to interpret a medical record out of ours?

Hi Soc,

Everyone and order are in PA.  Due to the inability of the father and I to communicate and father's apparent unwillinginess to attend counseling requested by me and ordered by the judge the judge had appointed a GAL for the children.

Children are DS 17 (18 in April) DD 14.5.  Loads of PAS in case.  I' ve written to you before.  My Dh lives with bipolar disorder and is a recovering alcoholic.  We have had our share, an possibly more of ups and downs here.

The GAL has gotten an order for her to have complete access to everyone's medical record.  My attorney actually thought the order referred only to the children.  I requested clarification and I was right.  She wants EVERYONE'S medical record.  Office notes, MRI results, Surgery reports, lab tests, the whole shebang.

My Dh adn I are both disabled.  Our disabilities do not affect our ability to parent.  We were recently investigated by CYS due to a relapse on my DH's part.  We we were found to not be in need of services.  In the past two custody evals we have been an open book with regard to both of our medical conditions.  I have degenerative disc disease and a chronic issue with my cervical spine due to a car accident.  Our openess has simply allowed people who are not medical doctors or psychiatrists to misconstrue our information and use it to discriminate against us.

I object to this GAL having all of this information on the basis of it not affecting the children's best interest AND it being a violation of our privacy without a benefit to the children.  Both my Dh and I need to be able to tell our medical providers exactly how we are feeing without fear that the GAL will read this and twist it into something other than what it is.

I am willing to have any medical provider write a letter stating their perceptions of the effect of our medical histories  on our abilty to parent and on the providers perception as to whether either of us is a danger to the children based on our medical status.  Please note:  We have two custodial children here living with us at all times and no medical provider, counsleor, psychitrist or anyone else has ever had a worry about the children's saftey and/ or level of care in our custody.  My X however, has made two unfounded reports to CYS about us.

My DH is a stay at home dad to our two children.  I am an LPN for the last 25 years, parent educator and am currently enrolled in a master's program in rehabiltation counseling. We bothhold child abuse clearances.

I am not seeking to change custody.  I simply want to maintain the status quo for the next three years and eight months.  The children have already been living with my Dh and I with me having EOW and half of summers for the last nine years with no untoward effects excpet for the stress of having thier parents constantly at odds with one another.

The GAL has sent my attorney an email stating that we would have the opportunity to object to her getting any of our medical records before the judge.

Question:

What is the best arguement to keep this GAL out of our medical records?