So frustrated!

[Mamacass]

We had group therapy last night (we go twice a month, me DH, BM and SS).  It did not go well.  I feel like the therapist tunes out, and is inconsistant with what he says.  
To start out, communication between us adults has always been strained.  Dh and I feel that we can't make any parenting suggestions w/o BM getting defensive and upset (which I don't blame entirely on her, b/c she is "ill", and part of her illness is that she feels that everyone is against her.)  Also if we mention things that SS does at our house, she becomes very accusing or says that it must be us b/c she doesn't have those problems with SS.  SS will give a completely different story about what happens at his mom's house.  Also mother's attitude has always been that her opinion is the only one that really matters when it comes to parenting decisions.  She seems to think that dad's are dispensible, and that as long as the mother is around, it doesn't matter if the father is there or not.  
Well last night, the therapist said that we as parents need to work on communicating better, and sharing what things SS does, how he acts, things like that.  But then the therapist said it is not BM's responsibilty to tell us about any assemblies, field trips, parent/teacher conferences, report cards, etc when it comes to SS school.  He said it is our responsibility and right to go to the school if we want to be involved.  Does this strike anyone else as contradictory?  
Also, BM has never offered much consistancy for SS, she has had live-in boyfriends, a couple husbands, and moved a number of times in the last 6 yrs.  She is currently looking to relocate to be closer to her current boyfriend of 4 months.  We said in therapy that we have seen the strain and stress that all this change has put on SS and do not support him moving with BM.  The therapist says, why don't you let him try the move, and if he start showing problems in school, you can always have him move back.  What?!  He is in therapy now b/c of the problems he had last school year!  We had suggested therapy long before BM would allow it b/c he was regressing and having emotional breakdowns at school.  Of course, I'm sure this had nothing to do with BM's 4 month marriage in the middle of last school year.  (That husband told us that he couldn't deal with her anymore and that she had a serious drinking problem.)  And nothing to do with her telling SS that she has to carry a gun in her purse b/c so many people want to hurt them.  
At one point, DH just stopped talking, b/c the therapist doesn't seem to care about the past, or SS behavioral problems.  He doesn't seem to listen very much to anything that goes on.  In fact, SS has spent the entire summer with us, and the therapist starts each session by asking SS "have you gone to your dad's house any since last time?"  It's a nice suggestion that if the move doesn't go well to have son move back, but BM will never allow it.  Of course, therapist doesn't know the history, so he wouldn't know that.  BM has said ss" is her buddy and has been with her through everything."  She needs him, and isn't concerned about his needs.  Meanwhile, we're left helping him deal with it all.  
So we have our court hearing at the end of this month, and I'm praying that it goes our way so SS can have some consistancy in his life.  Also, I think DH is to the point where he is ready to give up.  He is tired of fighting BM.  It's so hard to try to be your child's advocate and fight for what's best for him when you are told that you don't matter, and b/c she has custody there isn't much we can do.  We have always had to play by her rules if we want to see SS more than every other weekend.  For the first time, I can understand why DH is ready to give up.  No matter what we do, it seems she is intent on making us miserable and dragging SS through all the craziness in her life.  Any time we disagree with her SS is the one that suffers.  If we can't protect SS then why are we making ourselves crazy?  
Sorry for venting guys, I'm just disgusted w/ the situation.  I don't know how many times I've wished SS were mine so that he wouldn't have to deal with all of this.  Then he could have a "normal" childhood.  

[kaylene99]

Mamacass, just hang in there is my best advice to you.  I can fully relate to your anger and frustrations because I've had my share of them as well (and continue to have them to this present day).  No matter what though, you and DH have to continue doing what you believe is in the best interest of your SS.  I know it's hard when you feel like you "don't matter" or "have no control" over the situation.  Putting all of that aside, let your good conscience and parenting continue on.  Your SS needs to continually see and feel that he could count on you two no matter the situation; that you guys will love him unconditionally despite the negativities from and with his mother.  Trust me, it's VERY hard to do but don't let the negative situation define who you are and what you do.  Most of all, try to be proactive and not just react to what the BM does, etc.  Anticipate her move and always protect yourselves by properly documenting *every* interaction with her and what goes with your SS.

As for the group therapy, is this ordered by the court?  I see no problem with objecting or correcting what the therapist says during the session but do it in a polite, unblaming manner.  Better yet, if it's possible to have a private conversation with the therapist without BM, then air your objections that way.  I sort of understand the therapist encouraging you guys to be more involved in school and get information yourselves especially if you are all in the same district.  I think it's a huge advantage for you guys to do that rather than depend on the BM's word of mouth.  First, SS's teachers will know you directly and attest to your direct, constant involvement in his academic life.  In our case, that's what we do now even though the divorce order states that BM is to share this and that info with my DH.  We found that we get the answers we need when we seek them out ourselves than try to engage with BM and her games.  Anyway, if you don't think you are getting far with this therapist, then change especially if you guys are the one who sought this therapy in the first place.  If the court ordered this, then ask your lawyer what the impact is of changing therapist because you just don't think the scale is fair and balanced.  There may be conflicts of interest and bias going on here and you just need to cut that out as soon as possible.  

As for your hearing at the end of the month, if you guys have proper documentation and proof of the past with BM and negative impact on SS, then you should be fine.  If you have a good lawyer, setting up your case and exhibiting your proofs will not be hard to do.  The main thing to show the court here is how this move will not be in your SS's best interest and how it will negatively impact his relationship with you guys (i.e. access to SS and vice versa will be lessened/limited, financial burden of interstate transportation, etc).  Do a search on the internet on other relocation cases that were denied and what factors were considered by the judge.  Be as informative and knowledgeable as you can with relocation cases and your judicial court judges and where they stand.  This will go along way for you guys.

Once again, hang in there and just pray to God for guidance always.  Take care of yourselves always....

[step_momma_2boys]

Mamacass, When I read your story, I thought I was reading our own!  Your situation is SO similar to ours, except we are not in counseling.  The BM in our situation would never agree to it.  We just got done w/ mediatiating certain issues but have yet to get her signed copy of the new stipulations.  It is so very frustrating, isn't it?  It's so hard to be the stepmom in the situation, and feel you have less of a voice than dad does.  I feel that my SS's BM feels we are glorified babysitters for her.  Anyway, I don't have any advice for you as we're still trying to figure things out on our end.  But I had to write to tell you that you're not alone.  (I'm sure you know that from being on this site!)  I wish you and your famiy the best of luck.  Keep us posted on how the hearing goes!!