My Story & My Mediation Feb 3rd Question

[jaimes_dad]

Something that I read somewhere and wondered about was the second hand smoke issue..Although both my wife and are smokers we always made it a point not to smoke in the house but in the computer room as we called it, it was way in the back of the house (well later my wife started smoking in the bedroom with the door closed as well) so that the children, especially the baby, were not exposed to second hand smoke...Now my wife and the kids live in Ohio at Cathee's house (her best friend..read the previous message for more explaination) and my wife, Cathee, Cathee's boy freind and almost anyone that they know smokes...I know that I have no say about my 3 step-daughters and of course I am not trying to have any say as to what goes on in anyone's home (Cathee has made it very clear LOL that what goes on in her house is her business thats how my wife got into trouble in the first place) BUT my concern is this..what about the massive amounts of second hand smoke my son is now exposed to? I mean no matter what my wife or her friends say they are not going to start smoking outside or in some room away from the baby, especially since they never had to do it before and Cathee wont let anyone tell he what to do in her house LOL, and my wife has nowhere else to live at the moment nor does she choose to go somewhere else, so is this something I can bring up in mediation or am I just being foolish? Another question What is PAS I have seen it mentioned and have no idea what it means?

[Peanutsdad]

Simple facts are, you can bring anything up in mediation. Now,,, can you get a judge to sign off on the second hand smoke issue? Probably not,, unless a child is asthmatic, and is forced to seek medical care emergently due to smoke.

Second, can you enforce it? Hell no. Not any way to enforce anything like that.


PAS: Parental Alienation Syndrome.

Also see, Malicious Mother Syndrome.

You'll find plenty of articles and research on SPARC's website for these and other issues.


Personally, I would concentrate mediation on issues that CAN be resolved and see if you two can come up with an agreement you both can live with.

On another note,, your ex has no place of her own,, does she work?

It may behoove you to request a homestudy be done on both parties.

[joni]

Child EndangermentBy Smoking?
Judge Orders Woman to Stop Smoking or Risk Losing Visitation Rights With Son

http://abcnews.go.com/sections/us/DailyNews/smoker_visitation020327.html

[jaimes_dad]

no she doesn't work and has no intention of working, she in reality wants the baby as well as he rother children as an end to the means, meaning the supprt check, so to her anything other than full, sole custody for her just wont do, she wants the cash..as for her living arrangments, she lives with her best friend, her bf boyfriend and 2 children and my wife and our 1 yr old son and her other 3 children...knowing my wife as well as I do and because I have seen how she treates her first husband with their kids (as well as how she treats the kids) if I can't somehow get to be the primary caretaker I will spend the rest of my life in court, like her first husband does, just to see my son and have to live everyday wondering everyday if he is getting what he needs, I really think it is a shame that she will get control for lack of a better word over him, because she ran off, and she wants the cash and she created this 200 mile distance between us, etc...but she will never take the time to be his mom or a parent and will pawn him off, like she does the girls, to everyone else, when he has a father who has been saying since day one I wll be glad to continue in the responsibility role, but no one in the system is listening and my son pays for that.....Now to me thats sad

[Indigo Mom]

So, you want to go into mediation and demand that she and everyone else in that home stop smoking around the kids?  That's fine, second hand smoke kills....however, the 1st thing your ex is going to do is put a stick in your wheel by letting the mediator know you smoke as well.  

What you should do, if you're that concerned, is smoke NOWHERE in your home.  I'm a smoker, too.  I'm outside, rain show or shine.  My little butt is out there in blizzards, when the temp is below zero, when it's up over a hundred.  It sucks, but my childrens lungs are MUCH more important than me being warm, dry, or whatever.  We refuse to smoke in the car, whether the kids are in it or not.  

Even if you "did" manage to get the Judge to prevent them smoking in their house (which I don't think is going to happen) you can never enforce this.  It isn't possible.  And you must remember...even if you do smoke in the computer room waaaaaaaaaaaaay back at the end of the house?  The kids are still getting it.  Put one of those incense sticks in the computer room, close the door, go to the furthest point in the house...and eventually, the aroma will find its way out of that room.

[MYSONSDAD]

In Illinois, smoking is in the State Statutes. It states that it is a form of child abuse.

I smoke too, but not in the car. I smoke in the house, but only in one room and I have a hepa air cleaner that is excellent. When the weather is good, I go outside. When my son is here, no smoking allowed by anyone, anywhere.

"Children learn what they live"

[jaimes_dad]

Well I found out just a bit ago that my wife's lawyer ask for a continuance and will probably get it, meaning it will be at the earliest another month before we even get to mediation :-( another month she can get herself setup in Ohio, to my disadvantage :-( I was alos informed that she finally got the baby's birth certificate, ss card and her birth certificate so she can get on welfare there, man I tell you it feels like no matter what I do right it doesnt seem to be right enough and she gets away with doing nothing :-( I will try and keep everyone update

jaimes_dad

[MYSONSDAD]

It seems like nothing in this system is fair or right. She will probably get her continuance. Use this time to get things in order. Documentation will be very important.

Do you have visitation set up at this time? How long has she been in Ohio?

Start reading all the articles this site has to offer. The more you know, the better you can handle whats going on. Check your state statues.

Hang in there, we have all been where you are right now...

[jaimes_dad]

Yea I am learning that the very painful hard way..sat down and had a good cry today at the thought of my son, being raised like an animal the way she raised her girls and the court saying it is in the best interest of the child :-( I am so confused as to what to get into order and everyone keeps talking about documentation. but it seems like everytime I think I have some sort of documentation my lawyer (legal aid by the way all I can afford) tells me that it isn't anything substantial :-( No we don't have any visitations setup yet, my lawyer is objecting to the continuance and if they get it wants some kind of "temporary custody" which from everything I have read on here pretty much does me in :-( Besides it won't matter whether they say I can see him or not, my wife and her best friend where she is staying at will make it impossible to see him. One reason being I will have to live in fear of false accusations. Heck false accusations is how the got the local police to make me surrender him to her ion the first place. :-( She has been in Ohio since January 5th 2004...The state of Pennsylvania statues I can't seem to find and if I find anything I dont understand half of it..I was hoping to be atleast somewaht prepared, but everyone keeps telling me that she has it madde, because she is the mom, he is one year old, and it doesn't matter that I was the primary caregiver for him and her 3 girls over the last 2 years, cuz I don't have offical documentation, other than some letters from doctors, etc..so she will get exactally what she wants and I will get the scraps...Sux knowing that my son will be punished by losing daily contact with his father, because his mother wanted some guy off of the internet...where's the justic in that? I will never understand this system nor what the courts interpretation of "best interest of the child" is..I will let everyone know what happens tomorrow and thanks :-)
Night

[MYSONSDAD]

Just over a year ago, I was where you are now. Ex took off and I did not see my son for 3 loooong months. It was a hell I can't begin to describe. Missed the first Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years and his first Birthday. He was 10 months old. I shared in his care giving.

I think those doctors letters are a very good start. Go thru any paper work you have. There may be some things you overlooked. I still go thru my papers and find things I did not see before. And I have been thru them at least 20 times. Any bank records of joint accounts? Try to catagorize them. Do you have phone records showing you call to try to see him?

Sit down with a calandar from last year and try to think of as many occurances as you can. Something that might show a pattern. Do you have neighbors, friends and family that witnessed you being the caregiver? Did you take your son to Church? Do you think she might have a relative who would be sympathic toward you.

I think in most states, the child has to be a resident for 6 months. You may be able to file for visitation in your state. This is not a slam for legal aid. Thank God they are there willing to do what they can. But  people go to doctors for a 2nd opinion, why not an attorney. Most give a free consultation for the first visit and you may pick up some very important information. This site has information on every state. Start reading. If you have questions, there are plenty of us here to help you. Don't be afraid to ask anything.

VERY Legal stuff, you can ask Socrateaser.

As far as her and her friend trying to keep you from your son, once visitation is set, she will be in contempt. And you file on her everytime she pulls something and keeps you from your parenting time. If you are worried about false accusations, bring a witness who is holding a camera. If you can tape, TAPE!

Didn't you mention that she does not work. How can she take care of a child if she can't take care of herself? It's called employment instability and it would be easy to look into her work history. I would also be curious on what kind of people she has around those kids. Ever thought of checking out her friend? You can find things pretty easy by doing google searches. Just type in what you want and there it is. I will even include the State. I find more on google searches then thru net detective or something like it.

It would not hurt to bring in candid pictures of you and your son together. Show the bonding that is already there. Judges like visuals.

Don't be too quick on thinking she will get everything she wants, YOU HAVE RIGHTS TOO.
You just have to fight for them.

Good Luck, keep us posted