How do I handle my ex and his wf alienating our daughter?

[butterflymackey]

You are amazing! Thank you for your inspiring words. You actually brought tears to my eyes. It's so nice to get reassurance from others in similar situations. It's just unfortunate that it has to be this way.

I keep hoping and praying that she will understand some day. I always talk about the good times we have had. I tell her stories about how her father and I used to be when we were in love, and some of the nice things he did for us. I never say"but now". I cant say I have NEVER said anything bad about SM but I try like heck and its not intentional.
 
One of her favorite things to do when she is here is for me to lay with her at night before she falls asleep, cuddled up telling her funny stories about when she was a baby. THATS one thing dad and stepmom dont have.

She is actually coming to visit me next month for Spring break. I am going to take off 4 days from work to spend with just the 2 of us. I usually try to use the small amount of time she is here to catch up and spoil her rotten. This time we are just going to relax and spend time together.

What do you think of this?: I have about a gazillion old pictures of everyone that I have never put into a scrap book. I only hold on to some of them for her. They are all in her room in boxes because she loves to reminise when she visits. Do you think it would be a good idea for the 2 of us to put together a scrapbook with those pictures? I thought maybe we could make it "our thing". I could tell her some stories about them while we put them in some order.

I'm so glad to hear your kids are coming around. I wish you all the best. Keep in touch. I would love to keep hearing good news like that. I will pray for the younger ones and for you too. You sound like a great mom.

[ksmomof2girls]

eom

[NoNicky]

First off I am so happy and excited for you.

I think the scrap book is an excellent idea!  However I'd like to add a suggestion that we did for our kids and even our niece and nephew who were hidden from the family for 5 years...

Make 2 scrapbooks.  Make a main one that will stay with you at your house for when she is there but make a small photo album or scrapbook she can take with her.  Make sure to include pictures of her grandparents, cousins, etc.  This will help her keep the connection even when she isn't with you.  Use your computer to scan the pics if you need to make copies.  For a "cheaper" more lasting paper get card stock.  It prints pics fairly well, is durable yet is still no big deal if something happens to them.

Keep your chin up.

NoNicky
For God has not given a spirit of fear; but of power and of love and of a sound mind.  1 Peter 1:6

[butterflymackey]

I cant wait until she gets here! I'll keep you all posted on how it goes.

[butterflymackey]

Wow it's been awhile since I've posted. I miss you guys!

I am NCM. I live in a NE child lives in AZ. She is 9. My situation sounds very similar to ksmom's. Ex is married to ex best friend. My ex works and SM stays home with their kid, her kid from prev relationship and my daughter. He has had custody for 4 years now. I get everyother xmas and spring break and 6wks in summer. Ex and I dont get a long and he leaves me to deal with SM. Even when I have refused to deal with her, I still end up having to deal with her.
She's mentally alienating my child and dad doesnt care.

These are some things she has admittingly told our daughter:

1. Your mom is the one that doesnt want to be friends with me. I have no problem with her.

2. Your mom is always yelling at me and your dad, that's why we dont want to talk to her.

3. You cant go into your bedroom and talk to your mom because she likes to make you cry.

4. Your mom doesnt care about you or she would live in AZ.

5. You dont want to get fat like your mom do you?
 
6. I dont agree with the way your mom's family is, but if you want to be around those kind of people thats your choice.
 
7. If your mom really wanted to see you, she would come here to visit you.

8. Your mom always blames me for you not wanting to talk on the phone.
 
I could go on. The problem is that my daughter is really buying into this crap!  So I look like the mean parent. I cant have a conversation without her asking me questions like: why I dont like her SM, why do I always yell at her SM and dad and why I always blame everything on her SM.  Then I spend our whole conversation trying to defend myself. I have told her that grownup things are none of her concern and that she will understand more when she is older. Then she gets loud and rude with me demanding that I answer her question or she wont speak to me at all.

I have tried to get her father to intervene, that's a joke. He actually told me "I cant help it if our daughter doesnt like you. What am I supposed to do about it?"

In addition, she wont recognize my family anymore. She thinks they are all bad. I have a sister, aunt and grandfather that live there. She is not allowed to speak to them on the phone or see them in person. Other family tries to call they wont answer. They use the excuse that they are not home, but they have admitted they have caller ID. She wont except gifts from me or my family either. She was here for xmas and didnt want to take home any of her gifts.

In the past when I have sent her things; instead of encouraging her to be greatful and show gratitude, they encourage her that if she doesnt want it she can throw it away. It almost seems like shes proud to tell us when she throws things away. So it has gotten to the point that no one sends her anything. Then we are all bad people for not sending her anything.

On her birthday this last Nov, I talked to her dad and said "Since her b-day falls on a day that is not our normal phone call day, I wanted to arrange a time that is convenient for you so I can at least wish her a Happy B-day." He told me a time that would be ok. Then about 30 mins before I was going to call I get a phone call from my daughter. "I was just calling so you could say Happy B-day and get it over with." Then SM gets on the phone "I had her call you because we are leaving earlier than I thought." I was crushed. My daughter now thinks she had to call me on her b-day! SM did that on purpose!!!!! Then I look like I am being ungreatful because SM is trying her best to keep an open line and I just dont appreciate it. Yeah right! We know that wasnt her motive.

She has also told my daughter she wanted to adopt her and called me at work to ask me if I would give up rights!!! Then my daughter tried talking me into it!!! 4 words: OVER MY DEAD BODY!!

I consider this abuse. My child actually watches her carbs because she doesnt want to get fat like me. So now we have to worry about her getting an eating disorder too.
 
I have talked to BF about putting her in couseling. He refuses. Says it cost too much. I say ins is supposed to cover some cost and the extra cost is split between us. Our child's mental health is worth any cost. He says a counselor told him that she doesnt have any problems but couldnt tell me what the name of the counselor was or when she saw him.

What am I going to do? I cant afford an attorney. The case is jurisdicted in AZ. My husband and I have talked about moving there when I get my degree in about 3 years, but until then it's not possible. BTW... When we separated I had her here with me. I am stupid and trusted him, so I sent her to visit with nothing in writing and once he had her back in AZ they ordered that I couldnt take her out of the state again. It just went from there and he got custody. I love my kid. I understand the distance makes it hard, but I was a child of the same situation. My mom lived AZ my dad NE. MY WHOLE LIFE. They never did this to me. Oh yeah she acts like an angel when she is here. But she is always concerned with missing a phone call from them. We will actually stop what we are doing and let her use the cell phone to call, otherwise she worries the whole time.  

Any suggestion??? Please help!!x(

[olanna]

certainly unhealthy and needs to be addressed. You can't stop them from saying those things, but you sure can point out how unhealthy those things are.

Don't join them in the Passing...she will get it or she won't...

[I cry_ in_the_dark]

I'm not going to even touch the alienation issues. Been there done that, have the T-shirt  :-(

But as for gifts...buy her savings bonds! They are sold here with a gift card. Have the bonds sent to your own address, and if you like, put your name on them as a secondary holder. Keep them for her in the envelope they come in, showing the postmark date.

She may not appreciate it now, but when the time comes...and yes, the time will come...she'll know and understand  ;-)

[EyeforKids]

Wonderful idea!

[Sherry1]

of what the sacrifice is, and if necessary start over with your plans.  A 9yo does not have the reasoning skills necessary to think over two people that are telling her these kinds of things.  I went through a similar situation with my son, but he was 14, a much different age.  I was able to steer around the BS that my ex and his wife were telling him.  

[butterflymackey]

That is a really great idea. I will talk to my bank about buying some.
I am sorry you have had to deal with the same issues. It really sucks.
It makes you just want to give up, but then I stop and think that I am not the victim here my child is. Thanks.