Please help

[dbowes78]

We do not know where to turn and our hoping maybe you can hear our voice and point us in the right direction. I met my husband over 3 years ago where we live in Florida. He had a 4 year old daughter who lived in New York with her mother. They were together here until she decided she wanted to go back to NY.

He would fly up to visit a couple of times a year to visit. When I met him we fell in love very quickly and got serious. His daughter's mother would not let him see his daughter once she found out we were together unless he flew up there and he saw Jadore (his daughter) on her terms which included without me. She then proceeded to take him to court for child support (even though he had always been giving her regular support off the books) and custody. I advised him to get a lawyer because she was being extremely vengeful but he did not think he would have to.

He was only making about 34k a year at the time and he was sure they would give him visitation. When he went to court he was railroaded by her and the Judge and was not given a fair opportunity. She told the Judge that her daughter didn't know who he was and therefore should not be allowed to come to Fl and that he would have to fly up there to visit her under her supervision. That was not true since he had helped raise their daughter and she was the one who kept moving away back up to NY since she was born.

It was then awarded that he would have to fly up to NY several times a year to "build a relationship" with his Daughter and he was always condemned to pay her $690 a month for their one child on his 34k a year salary. In NY it is only suppose to be 17% of the combined income. And the mother make good money at School up there too. When he tried to fight it saying it was too much he was told that if he didn't take it and they continued it  would be more next time by the Judge. He was completely raped of any right he had with his daughter for no good reason other than his ex wanted to punish him for moving on with his life. He was treated like a dead beat dad by the courts and not even given a chance to speak and tell his story.

We have filled several motions and spent a ton of money flying up there to go to court and fight this and could not get anyone to help us. He hired a lawyer who could even get us into court and stole our money. We have flown up there to see Jadore by the agreement of the courts with 2 weeks notice and were refused visitation. We have been beat down by this for the last three years. We were married in March of 2008 and wanted Jadore to be in our wedding and when we went to court and were told no even though Dwayne had been up there several times to see Jadore to "establish a relationship" prior so we could have her as the Judge requested. Jadore is now 7 years old and we just had her baby brother 3 weeks ago. We always send Jadore gifts for Christmas and her birthday and other time throughout the year.

This year we included a scrapbook we made with pictures of her brother with her other present and He mother opened up all the packages and sent the whole thing back because it had pictures of the baby in it. Saying that was not her family and she is not to know about her brother. We don't know what to do. We cannot afford to keep fighting when are getting nowhere but we can't just let her go. Family means everything to us and Dwayne is such a great dad. I had two kids when we met who's father isn't around because he had a drug problem. Dwayne has taken them in like his own and been such a great father to them.

He feels so much guilt because he does so much for our kids but he cannot even be a part of his own daughters life. We would do anything for her but we don't know how to reach her. It is all in the mother control and it is as if we have not rights. We don't want Jador to think we have given up on herIf there is anything you can do to help us or point us in the right direction. Please we need it so bad,

Sincerely, Dwayne and Lana Bowes

[Kitty C.]

First and foremost, it is strongly suggested to NOT use names in posts, for obviousl reasons.

Second, I'm sure (at least I hope) you are aware of the many mistakes made by your husband up to this point, the biggest of not having an atty. for the initial proceedings.  As you have already found out, family courts can be ruthless on dads.

As for suggestions, I would recommend looking for another atty., preferably one who specializes in family law.  But given all that you posted, anything suggested might be a moot point, given that you're so tapped out financially.  As for the CS, all you can do is keep petitioning for a reduction, but then again, it would require a huge expenditure of money, for the atty. and multiple trips there to resolve it.

You may end up having to pick and choose what you can do.  If you absolutely cannot afford going back to court, then just make every effort to pay the support and exercise all visitation (whether you're refused or not).  There is one alternative:  Move to NY.  Yes, it's drastic, but it would eliminate the travel expense and put BF on equal ground jurisdictionally with BM.

If you're not able to do any of that, you must understand that you can't ruin yourselves financially to try to maintain a relationship with BF's daughter.  If you send letters or packages and they are returned, keep them.  Get a journal and document (like in the form of a letter) for daughter, so that when she becomes an adult and BF tries to re-establish a relationship then, he can show her that he DID try and he DID care about her.  Also, read any and all information you can about PAS (Parental Alienation Syndrome), because it sounds like that's exactly what the BM is doing to her.

If it takes until she is an adult for BF to re-establish a relationship, you will find out in the PAS literature that even then BF will have a fight on his hands.  Not with the BM, but trying to break through so many years of the alienation process with his daughter.  She will believe what she's told over and over again, and with nothing else to go on (which is why BM is trying to limit or eliminate contact), BF will have to 'prove' to her that he really is a good guy, not the evil demon BM made him out to be.

[ocean]

NY goes by the non-custodial parent salary only...(so not hers...17% of his..). There is a NY calculator on-line. If the number is wrong , you can download the form and mail in a petition to modify. NY does not give credit for additional children. There is no fee to do this but you will need to ask how to do a telephone conference. Call the local court and ask...

You could ask for a law guardian for the child. This person will meet with everyone and let the judge know what is going on. They are a big help with visitation schedules...What is the schedule now? When is it up? Next time you are in court, ask for a law guardian. Maybe go in there a few months before kindergarten and get a schedule in place for the school year around the school calendar. He will have to fly up and get her I would think until she is comfortable flying herself.