When evaluation becomes a fishing trip?

[gemini3]

It's not that you're doing anything wrong.  It's that what she's doing might not be wrong enough.  It defies logic, but, in the eyes of the court, changing physical custody from one biological parent to another is the virtual equivalent of terminating the parental rights of the custodial parent.  They don't usually approach it from the mindset of which household would be a better environment for the children.  Once custody has been established, any changes to that are going to be viewed through the lense of "is this situation bad enough to remove the children".

For example, in my husband's situation, he went back to court to try and get custody of his kids.  When he was seperated he was deployed, and was regularly sent on TDY, so custody was not an option for him.  His ex had fabricated false allegations, regularly denied visitation and telephone contact, took SD2 to a counselor to support her false allegations without telling DH (or allowing him to participate once he found out), moved the kids twice without telling him, was allowing her BF to punish their two daughters (6 & 9 years at the time) by forcing hot sauce into their mouths and then putting them in a cold shower, SD2 had failed kindergarten, and BM (who goes back and forth between being Wiccan and Pagan) was having the children participate in "spell castings" and other rituals where BM and the children were sometimes naked. 

Once his job changed so that he wasn't leaving for 3-6 months at a time, he went back for custody.  He was denied, but did get some more specific parameters on his visitation and CO.  But he didn't get custody.  We went back again last year, and this time he managed to get 50/50 (BM settled out of court).  The point of telling you all of that is that I think it's helpful to consider where the court and the evaluator are coming from so that you can plan your strategy.  I know that it seems like it should be simple, but it's not.  So you need to be prepared.

That being said, the court is concerned with things that affect the children.  So, no matter how bad your ex's behavior might be, if the kids aren't displaying problems because of her bad behavior, the court won't care.  So you want to focus on how all of this is affecting the children.  Focus on the behavioral problems, suspensions, bad grades, etc.  Especially if this is a new occurance.  If the kids grades have always been bad, then the court won't care.

If your petition for custody is denied based on the evaluators recommendation, you want to be prepared to ask the judge to make specific changes to the CO.  Since she has a history of violating the CO, you'll want to ask the court to add sanctions if she violates.

[txmom702]

I remember you. I can see why things might not be going as well as you would like. Honestly - taking it to the point of doing things like taking pictures of mom's trash, etc. makes you sound a bit like a stalker... 

[RoosterC]

Instructed to get pics of empties in trash by lawyer.
Not on property, from street, in response to denial there is drinking, also denied rehab until I stood there with proof.

a stalker I am not.
I am not taping private conversations
Im not sending recorders in the kid's pants.
(and while I didnt mention it, my son's house key goes missing and then I come home from work to find my custody files missing from inside my home)
guess people do hear what they want to.
Thanks for the input though, always good to get every read on anything.

[Kent]

If you know that "someone" is entering your home while you are not there and takes your personal property, get a home CCTV system and use hidden cameras. An adequate system with 4 cameras and 10 days recording time will cost you around $ 500.

Of course you wouldn't make efforts to find a way to somehow let the x know that you have replaced the file, and in addition have added some very damaging evidence to the file...... 

Recorded evidence of someone entering your home without your permission and stealing your personal property will get them arrested.

Kent!

[gemini3]

I agree.  Sometimes it's hard to know what the right thing to do is when it's the other parent of your children, because whatever happens to them affects your children.  But I also think that it's every person has a reasonable expectation of not having their rights violated, and having a child with a person does not give them carte blanche to violate them.  By allowing criminal trespass and other such violations of your rights is only enabling them.  It's important, especially with people like this, to have clear firm boundaries. 

I struggled with this after my husband's ex hacked into my e-mail account.  She had been reading my personal e-mails for about 6 months before I found out, and the only reason I did finally find out was because she went in and deleted some incriminating e-mails she had sent to me.  I spoke to a friend who is a clinical psychologist, and he encouraged me to report it and get a restraining order.  He said that she needs to know she can't play those kinds of games with me.  So I did, and I believe it was the right thing to do.

We also invested in a home security system.  The kids don't have the password to it, and never will.  When the kids are with her it stays on at all times.

[RoosterC]

I opted after it happened for a cheaper, low tech solution. I changed the locks and kept the keys. I feel awful not giving my son and daughter keys, because the fact of the matter is, as many of you parents know, the kids might need access when Im not home for school books and homework and the like that are left in my house by accident. The problem has been that Ive gotten those calls putting me in a spot of having to run out of work for a half hour to get a bookbag or have that refusal "documented for use". Sadly, I work at a very 'old school' company and popping out to get my kid's homework simply isnt an option if I want to keep my job. So the kids come back propagandized that I "dont care how they do in school" and "put work over them" in my priorities.
as many of you have likely discovered, there are no "good enough" answers for fathers.
On a side note, HOW do ex spouses find the energy to stay so angry for so long? How does one stay focused on the NEED to punish someone for ten years? Really, what is someone telling themselves when they are planting a recording device on a child?
How does one square that its "for them" when you coach them before recording 'good night' calls?
Seriously, I do not get it.

[gemini3]

I think not giving the kids a key is a perfectly acceptable boundry.  Don't feel bad about it.  One of the hardest things for children, when they have a parent like your ex and my husband's ex, is learning to have boundaries because their mother's don't allow it.  By modeling healthy boundaries you're actually doing the kids a huge favor.

It's hard for kids to go back and forth between houses.  It's easy for them to forget things, and when you have a vindictive ex, any small thing like that is an opportunity to create problems.  I know it sounds harsh, but kids need to learn responsibility too.  If they forget their bookbag at home, then they suffer the consequences at school that day.  It wouldn't be any different if they had one home instead of two.  You can do some things to help them, like show them to make a list of things they need to bring to their mom's, and get them in the habit of checking the list before they go.  But it's not your responsibility to bail them out every time they make a mistake.  Mistakes are the best teachers. 

If the kids come back and say how horrible you are because you didn't bail them out, explain to them that your job as a parent isn't to do things for them, but to teach them to do things for themselves.  If they're mad, let them be.  They'll get over it.  They realize really quickly that they can use these situations to manipulate - even when they're really young.  If they think you'll cave at the slightest sign of upset or resentment, you'll be riding that roller coaster for years to come.

Also, don't let your ex manipulate you with threats to document things, or take you to court, or whatever.  A lot of what she's making a stink about won't make a bit of difference in court or to an evaluator, except to make her look like she has an agenda against you.  A couple of years ago we started using something called Low/No Contact when dealing with my husband's ex.  It has worked wonders.  I recommend it to anyone who has a difficult ex.  You can find the suggestions here:  http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/ (http://www.thepsychoexwife.com/appropriate-means-of-contact-with-high-conflict-personalities/)

I also recommend two books to anyone who is dealing with Parental Alienation.  Divorce Casualties and Divorce Poison.  They can both be found on Amazon, and will help you learn how to deal with alienation, and tactics for helping your children through it as well.

On your side note... In my experience, high conflict ex's almost ways have some sort of pathalogical personality disorder - usually either Borderline, Narcissistic or Antisocial - or a combination of these.  If you look into the personal history of these people, there is almost always some form of abuse in their childhood that has never been properly addressed.  So it's not really an issue of finding the energy, it's just how they are built.  It's innate behavioral patterns that they don't even recognize in themselves.  Some amount of conflict is normal in any divorce, but eventually healthy people move on and learn to deal with the new situation.  PD's are unable to do so.  Anyone who is not on "their side" is an enemy. 

[RoosterC]

Thanks Gem!
And yes, after I found this board I took your earlier advice to another person and bought Divorce Poison.
Its been very helpful in knowing how to inocculate and respond.
I think Im going to get a lot out of the web link you gave me.
cannot thank you enough.