When evaluation becomes a fishing trip?

[RoosterC]

Can anyone help me to understand whats going on?
We are in evaluation stage. Originally faced a boatload of horrible and pattently false emotional abuse allegations. All were so horribly off-base that Ive been able to gather the paperwork to disprove every single one (when people make things up do they assume there's no such thing as medical, school or phone records) not to mention witnesses and therapist letter and kids not onboard with it.
But the thing I do not get is how no one is talking about abuse anymore but the kids and I are getting a lot of questions regarding other issues like what they eat every day? ( fish, chicken, whole grains and lots of veggies) what kind of heat is in my house? the murals on their walls? the chores they do? etc. I feel like this evaluator is looking for a reason, and just keeps looking... really, its gone very far afield (the colors of my walls? the names of the childrens books we read, where we sit for dinner).
Meanwhile Ive got oddles of tangible proof of issues from alchohol abuse, smoking to the "creepy" (the kids word, not mine) behavior of the live in BF that is alone with them at tmes to the imfamous taping device (I wont bore everyone with a rehash) and hiding vital information.
Yet no questions about that/or her.
Maybe Im wrong but I feel like the last line on her form is filled out (where it says all in all they still dont belong with me for primary) and the endless probe is just trying to justify a predetermined outcome.
Can anyone on the other side explain this?

[fight4him]

Sadly, I can't explain much of anything that happens in family court. You just sit and wonder what the heck they are thinking don't you?

[ocean]

My guess is that the evaluator is just feeling everyone out and trying to make it comfortable with the kids. Is there another meeting with the kids? or the kids by themselves? She may ask about them without you there...

You can maybe call and ask "I saw the allegations against me, I know you met with us and the kids but I would like a meeting with you without kids to go over what is written about me. I do not want to bash the mother of my children but want to set the record straight from my side".
or
You can type a one page business type letter about the allegations and send the proof?

Some evaluators do not like a pile of papers....and can usually tell who the offending party is. What is the vibe you are getting from her? Maybe she does not believe the other stuff already...or some of those questions were coming from ex...(they do not get fed right there...)

[RoosterC]

There was a meeting with both of us to get our "concerns" out. Gotta admit, the ex ran the table waving the bloody flag with allusions to all sorts of new abuse, no actual events just insinuations, and I never got around to my bundle of documented concerns. I was told we would have time to address my concerns at a later meeting which has been put off several times and is now being "combined" with a feedback session where, Im told, we will broach "some co-parenting issues". Which seems like the fruition of the concern I voiced at the time; that we would have moved on to some enforced resolution before my very real concerns were aired, making my allegations appear obstructionist to getting on with the settlement.
Now that the ex has burned out her allegations she is very eager to get to some resolution and block anything I have from seeing the light of day.

[ocean]

Up to you ...You could just mail a packet to her to she has the information..
To evaluator,
Last meeting we ran out of time to voice my concerns. I have outlined a few I have had that my ex mentioned (in the papers, in the meeting?).

1. Allegation 1- See enclosed document to show .....(try to give facts only..)
2.  same way

I would like to see both of us co-parent our children so they grow up in healthy environments. The above issues have gotten in the way in the past. (not sure but maybe put what you would like to see...with extras for bargaining...).
You

This person has a lot of weight in court BUT you do not have to agree to what she says. You can still go to trial where her report will be there but that is ONE part and if you have proof on other issues you can bring it up in court.

[RoosterC]

Thank You, That is just what I will do.

[gemini3]

I know I'm a little late on this, but I wouldn't mail a packet to the evaluator.  They are notoriously overburdened, and it's unlikely that she will sit down and read it.  I would hold her to a second meeting, since your concerns have not been addressed.  I would talk to your attorney about how to fight a recommendation until she meets with you.  They are obligated to give both parties equal voice.  Once you're in court and she gives her recommendation to the judge it will be too late to bring it up, and you won't be able to prove that she didn't read your packet.

[RoosterC]

After a polite clarification that seemed to annoy the evaluator, I let it go and trusted for the best. Seven or eight session passed. The sessions with the kids are over, I was told the final two would be for her feedback and reconcilliation. When I again 'politely' reminded her that I was promised time and was concerned it would be too late, I was told she was "well aware of my concerns....."
Well, I did email the packet which contained concerns I had not ever had time to articulate with references to evidence.
The reply was that I needed to send a copy to my ex (and thus her lawyer).
Oddly, she didnt need to send a list of her verbal accusations to my lawyer so we could better prepare.
I complied and was told they would be read and I would be afforded time to address my concerns in the Second to Last Session.
(with no sessions with the kids to verify or even get a feel for these issues)
as far as my lawyer: when I first brought it up it was "too early, give her a chance", now its probably too late (a catch 22 I will pay 2 or 300 dollars to be informed of.
If I sit quiet and let it go, misconceptions flower and real issues are ignored, If I speak up, even, and I mean POLITELY, it gets terse and Im combative and defensive.
I went into this knowing I had a mountain of evidence that Id done nothing wrong and a similar mountain that things were far from proper at the other residence, and I mean biggies. I could not lose as long as I was heard, I thought.
well guess again.
advice?

[gemini3]

I don't know if you've addressed this in a previous e-mail, but what are the concerns?

[RoosterC]

Brief Version:
1) Live in Married (to someone else) BF smokes and has drinking problem (evidenced by Rehab visits, episode at hospital vomiting blood involving police.) Still drinks. Still smokes Photos of many many bottles in trash- they now hide bottles so I cannot take pictures.
2) Mother exposes children to alchohol. Son demonstrates that he has 'bartended' at parties. Serves or carries drinks for 'sips'. Have written drink recipes in son's handwriting.
3) Stories of sleeping on floors at 'parties' while with mother.
4) Mother does not inform of treatments with non-dr therapist, children told to keep appts secret. Contrary to custody.
5) excessive absence in mother's custody time
6) Over 7 detentions hidden and signed for by mother, children instructed not to inform as I "wouldnt understand" Similar MO with hiding tests and other school info.
7)Accusations by BF's daughter claim of sexual misconduct by my son covered up by mother. Case was presented to CYS but age diff and other issues had dismissed but still, I was not informed and had to confront to get answer after I already found out. Have evidence from both BF wife and my ex email admiting she never told me.
Usual list of hiding or obfuscating medical info, refusing medical care (concussion), taking son with Pnumonia on ski trip where he broke wrist, she didnt want to miss ski trip, even though I offered to take care of son.
9) Usual list of scheduling activities that I would have to fullfill on my custody time, signing on and telling children before informing or discussing with me, arranging for away camp on my week, etc etc.
10) Encouraged and scripted false allegations of emotional abuse dismissed by CYS as false.
11) Denial of scheduled custody time, needed police to secure return of children.
12) Phone records to show pattern of denial of phone contact with children as specified.
13) Placed hidden recording device on childr before returning to custody to tape me in my home. When son said he did not feel it was right, mother told him to give device to his sister if he did not "have the guts"
14) after confiscating device found, among other things, tapes of mother preparing and taping children's good night calls (against law here) in some cases kids preped to say provacative things to get my reaction. When, on two occasions I asked about noise or odd bkgd sound, tape was turned off or call terminated immediately. BTW- proud that never took the bait or said anything wrong, never would)
15) demeaning and mocking behavior by live in BF to son. Mother enforces BF punishments for "disrespect" like eating one of bowl of BF chips: Punishment: weekend in room.

So why isnt this open and shut?
and no, I have no record. Yes, I have been a veritable boyscout for the last 20 years. Evidence of school and sport envolvement, consistant homework parent, have hired babysitter ONCE in 10 years. I will be honest, they have me dead to rights on ONE thing: I was ill and fell asleep while my son was at school dance, late to pick him up.ONE TIME.
C'mon folks, what am I doing wong?